Wings of change

My day started off as usual for a Tuesday, I did my normal morning stuff, and then the government funded transportation service I use came. I felt extremely fortunate when I saw that that I had a driver, whom I actually like, and respect. He and his wife are from Bosnia, both hard working, honest, kind hearted souls. It's just nice when the first person I see, after leaving the house, is someone I already know, and think well of, as I have had some frustrating experiences with some others with this service. The ride brought me to the psychology office my program mandates I attend, or so I thought. I spent last week complaining about my experiences, and learned I had options. Yes! Yesterday, I composed an email denoting my difficulties/ distaste with this individuals methods, sent it, and today followed up on that message in person. Not an easy thing to psyche yourself up to do, I will say being that it's unprofessional not to follow up, when you've already made the commitment, I felt like I needed to physically speak my peace.
Arriving, and waiting for someone to arrive to open the building, I was quite nervous, as I didn't want to display animosity, or become emotional, period. Not always the easiest trick in the book, but once I was inside, I handled myself better than expected, as did the therapist. Such a relief, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from me, by leaving that office forever!
I was also extremely fortunate to have enlisted the assistance of my step-dad, Marty, who has always been one, of many supportive resources for me. It was such a relief stepping out of the office to someone I know is willing to take my thoughts and feelings about a situation into consideration, before bombarding me with their judgements and connotations. He was very supportive, and happy for me, which was such a relief upon walking away from a situation you've dealt with for so long, but never actually thought you benefitted from.

I get that expressing yourself is an important part of everyone's life. That's one of my key motivating factors for writing. But, for me, sitting in a room with someone whose been recommended for your case, and being expected to act as if I'm an open book, is not within my psychological abilities. Therefore, or for many reasons I'm finished expecting results, or even a conversation where I learn,!or grow. Such a relief to have made, what I feel is a. Plosive change to my support team!

Where the rubber meets the road...

Today, (or this evening rather) was a fantastic distraction from angst and confusion ridden caveats of my day to day life. This past Tuesday I had an infuriating 'therapy' session. This is a man whom I've never seen eye to eye with, but, in the interest of dodging proper topics, with actual substance, I've admittedly not been particularly open, preferring to placate my way through the conversation topics. Discussing personal issues face to face with most people has never been a skilled area of mine. It's not because I don't care, but more because my head thinks of multiple responses, which can be quite rude, depending on the situation. In the interest of not being a jerk, I'll keep my moth shut. Though, in the great ole US of A, if it's government funded systems have taught me anything in the last four years of robbing me of whatever self-respect I owned, it's that I don't fit in this idiotically designed system. I really do think our health care system is designed by well intentioned folks. The world is just so big, and variable now, that in trying to create system that fits EVERY-one, we've actually created a confusing black-hole. We live under a system that was designed for a uniform environment. The last time I checked, this country has never embodied uniformity. Certain groups try to, until other groups wear them down. Thesedays I'm pretty sure the message is to accept everyone for our differences. Doesn't always come across that way, but I'll just say its all part of our personal evolution.

In terms of my personal evolution, the more aware I become of my surroundings, the more difficult I find it to press on each day. What other people thought simply didn't affect me, which is probably why it's been so easy for me to march to my own drum this far. Why the change now? I know it's because my brain is reforming connections. However, this is a pretty frustrating time for me to be realizing the magnitude of my insecurities. Not cool. I can put them away, but now, they come back out and BITE. Extremely inconvenient timing as I'm just getting back into paid employment, and have to start at the bottom all over again.In theory, it's not a bad job, because I get paid to do something I have to do anyways, ride the bus. At first, I thought this would be a great little way to earn a few dollars. However, the moment I realized this meant I needed to be vigilant of my surroundings aboard the bus, I began to abhor the position, and the bus altogether. Apparently, I'm not the all-accepting type I thought I was, but to be stuck in an enclosed space with the conversations I listen to, hurts my soul. I just can't understand why there is such a cleft in our society, but it's also hard because I no longer belong to a side. And this environment really made me aware of that, therefore, I hate it. I literally get home, curl up, and sob, until I can collect myself and workout. Is this job worth the mental anguish it seems to illicit for me? Nope, but that's my opinion, which is, apparently disregarded. Yep, life is awesome right now, I can't wait to go home. At least I don't feel like scum of the Earth there.

This job probably wouldn't bother me half as much, if I had anything intellectual to hang on to, but, I don't, and according to my rehab. people it's my ticket to a job I want, because it forces me to work on my weak areas, like self-control, and time management. I know that's true, but it surely doesn't help me get through it anymore easily...

Breaking bad habits...

I'm not certain I have the strength to break one of mine, but, I've always thought that recognizing your problem is the first step. Although, I thought that's what I was doing today, when going over last weeks ruckus, I'd caused in my 'team' meeting. Apparently, the way I sstate my reasons for my problems, it ends conversations. I've recently started to become more aware of this annoying/fearsome trait I've been developing. I find it quite unpleant/awkward when I find myself talking to someone who does this. It struck me as passive/aggressive, and whiny. That's no fun. I've recognized this, in myself recently. Mostly, when I'm being questioned or, even attacked. I feel like I've come down with the small-minded excuse syndrome, that has turned me into a social leper. Or will, if it hasn't happened already. I've recognized myself doing, what i think is explaining my problem,and the conversation immediately dies, and I don't know why, in the moment. Knowing that I come across as a negative person from time to time, is a horrendous realization, for me, anyways. I talk to other people, who also do this, and I realize it's a conversation ender. It's not an intentional choice, but , nonetheless it occurs. This kind of statement just leaves no room for argument, or assistance. I despise it when someone does that to me, so I want to be able to recognize when I'm about to do it to someone else. I don't even know how this happened, but yuck! Yep, it's a bad day, when you realize you are your own worst enemy, and there I go again..

Realizing who I am today, has never been the easiest trick in the book for me, I'd prefer to live life oblivious, and un-assuming. I just realized those are cards I no longer hold, and probably never will again. This whole re-learning who I, and others are, period, in my 27 years, makes me feel very juvenile. It's not like I'm expecting to ever figure it out completely, but. I'd at least like to be comfortable with who I am. Yet, the first step is to ditch the whiny explanations, and figure out what I can do, instead of why I can't do something. Yep, no problem, that's an easy one, right?

Land of the?

In this life, right now, I understand that I need to work with what I'm given, as they're the only cards I have left to play, where I'm able to foresee any kind of outcome. Although, at this point, I feel as though I'm losing hope. I no longer feel like I can get back on my feet, with the tools I'm given. In this environment, the system doesn't really allow for that, nor doesn't sustain any sense of personal accomplishment. All I need to do, is correspond and manage the thoughts of 5 people to make one decision. Once in a great while, we pull off something, that really improves my life. Then, we get touted as a shining example. But really, most of the time I feel like I have 5 people helping me tread water. At some point everyday, I just want to tell them to pull the rug out from under my feet, and be gone. Then, on the other hand, I've developed connections with some of these individuals, and I have to realize that my success is in their hands right now. Quite frankly, I sucks at letting other people hold the reins.
I am interested in making use of the government programs which behoove my interests. But, when someone tosses 16 different options into a basket, and expects me (or anyone) to make a decision, I can really only hold on to 2 different options at a time. So I'm likely to choose the option with the most detailed discussion, or the last one. If these programs want you to be independent, then they need to do a more comprehensive job giving people the tools to get there. Every time I turn around, there's a different shiny and new option. At this point, as appealing as the advertisement may be, it's really just enabling me to sign on for more time living off of government funds. Can you blame me, if one of these days I immigrate to a new country ? I have to say, we have great intentions, but we've diversified our options so greatly were no longer capable of making decisions. We are so well intentioned here, but, each group has different interests to pursue. I now fully understand why' The Great American Melting Pot' will always be an idealistic dream, we can always go after, but never actually encapsulate. Helping everyone is a beautiful goal, but, it's just not that simple, as we all have different interests and ideals. I love living in a diverse country, but I do not love living in an economically diverse country. It means that 95 percent of the US population feels as though life is unfair, because the other 5 percent is so ridiculously wealthy they can control whatever strikes their fancy. So much for living in the land of the free.
Part of acceptance in this country is that we need to realize we all, can never fit in the same neat, little box. I appreciate speaking up for myself, just like the next person, but chances are we'll each have enormously differing views regarding the state of the economy, social issues, as well as political leaders. Does this mean either one of us should be more correct than the other? Nope. Of course, human nature prefers that you fight about it, and the victor prevails. It's like, why do people listen to Mitt Romney, oh maybe, because he's an active media figure who made a lot of money in big business, and people think, 'well, if we have leader like him, maybe we'll come into good fortune to help fix problems, or just enjoy the finer bushings in life, like I know? I wish life was that simple. I'm not even going to pretend I know what other party thinks in any situation, because, if I've learned anything in the past 5 years. It's to have no expectations. I, of course have expectations of myself, but I was trained a few years back, that no one (in the state program) actually expects anything of me. Its not designed for People to succeed with, but, for them to survive with. I know better, because I lived in the real world, and it's not as scary as I'm made to believe it is. Life is full of hard knocks for everyone. It doesn't matter who you you get painted as, we're all going to fall at some point, and then, hopefully, get back up, and try a new way. At least that's what I need to do...

Surprise visit!!

Yesterday, while up to no good, looking for jobs, face booking, and cleaning, the phone rang, and I was surprised to see a friend from home was calling. Eager to catch up, I answered, and got the "Guess where I am?" response. I understand that typically when someone does that it usually means they're nearby. And, they were!

I knew she couldn't understand me very well, but we made a plan to meet at 9, when I'd wanted to go to yoga. But, close friends come so rarely, I had to see them. Apparently they'd been to a wedding, on the camppus of Matt's friends college, St. Micheals. I guess if you meet in college that's a great to the place to tie the knot, as it probably has the same amount of meaning. Though, it still seemed like an odd wedding venue.
They stopped by at 9, so we could go to breakfast. I thought it'd be fun to go to the Skinny Pancake, so we could appreciate the lake. I didn't realize they were off to Oak Ledge Park after. Basically, they ended up backtracking.
As fast as they appeared they were gone, and I found myself taking my standard Sunday stroll around the Winnooski Farmers Market. I found myself annoyed with the woman at the money table, as she couldn't figure out how to get funds from my food stamp card. Not a big deal, but I explained the differences, and which side was valid. She seemed to understand what I told her, but kept repeating the same mistake, which left some question. I only had $5, which doesn't get you very far, although I did surprisingly well, enjoying a smoothie, getting a chocolate croissant from the baker, cucumbers and zucchini from a farm I didn't recognize, and carrots from Roxanne. Last year, I bought a sunflower from her almost every week. She sells such a variety of good, but I always just wanted a sunflower. Weird, probably, but I really appreciate how the brilliant yellow brightened up my living space a bit. Also, whenever I talk with her, she is really honest if she doesn't understand something, which I really appreciate.
I walked back to my building, and made myself was and cut the veggies while I was still thinking about it. If I don't the just rot in my fridge I've learned.
After making a giant mess of the kitchen, I took the jogger out for an evening jaunt. The difference in how people respond to seeing me with the jogger is huge from last year. Almost everyone I pass initiates a hello, as they pass. Last year, it made my day, if one person did that.

Devil in the details...

Today will go on record for me, as the day I lost my marbles. Not really even positive, what that euphemism emulates, aside from craziness. It's not even that I had a crazy day, or even went crazy, but, I did lose my cool, and/or my ability to contain myself in any manner resembling dignification. And, not once, but twice. I've been able to realize where my tipping point is, in the past couple months or so. That is, realizing it nearby, and edging away from it. In my world, I honestly cannot conceive a more self-imposed vulnerability, then showing my emotions, or, more specifically, allowing my anger, torment and frustration to take hold of a situation. The idea of that, couldn't be more terrifying, and I've pretty effectively meandered through life, with out ever needing to face that fear. That is , until today.

It gets impossible to hold in, or try to ration my grief, heart-wrenching anger, and humiliation inside, after enough time passes. I don't really know that I've been able to process emotions like others seem to. Most of the time I think I recognize them, but they're not always strong enough for me to act on them. This year, I've realized, I may have earned myself a reputation as someone who rejects a lot of ideas, and has to map their own road.

Today, I felt provoked into unleashing my 'shit-show' of feelings on the team of people who came to be more or less responsible for my little space in the world. I surely understand why their
positions are so difficult to maintain, as state and federal funding is so limited, and the workload is easily double a manageable size. Not to mention, their clients are so annoyed and frustrated, their work is rarely appreciated.

I've become quite adept at not saying what I feel, though have always held back, but I also have specific reasons regarding my injury. I realize that no one understands me, when I speak, especially if I'm upset, so it comes across as more of an embarrassment to me, than a a hard-hitting delivery of my feelings toward a situation. I generally choose not to show my emotion, if I'm able, as it makes me all the more difficult to understand. Though, I get that I need to release it periodically, so I don't explode in a fury of emotion. Even though, that's exactly what I did. I unintelligibly yelled, cried, scoffed and screamed at the 5 people who hold all of my cards. In that moment I felt it was justified, but I forget that I am difficult to understand vocally. So, I was more or less, the ballistic young woman screaming noisily. Not exactly the gratifying release of thoughts. That is why I write, but, it will never replace the gratification of verbally communicating my thoughts in the correct setting, when they come to mind. Just saying...

The late, great daughter of Mother Earth"

That title is a line from a song from 'Rent' that's currently playing.
I don't really know why I'm writing, except because I just went through an envelope marked 2006 taxes, and found it filled with paper details of my 2007 life. Stuff like concert tickets, insurance claims from minor medical traumas, business cards, pacing lists for backpacking trips, a receipt for the renewal of my drivers license, job postings, I'd applied for, and a stack of photos. One of the things that really struck me, was a photo of Sean, that he'd probably taken himself. It was a random stack of 24 pics I'd pulled out, and I was loving all of the beautiful colors from my Honduras, and Guatemalan adventures. I got to the last 2 photos, and they are of Sean and I from 08, I assume. One is of Sean, it looks like he took it, and I'm next to him, more like clinging to him. But, what struck me, was the lack of expression on my face. I have the same dull, expressionless face in every photo from those days, unless, someone told me to smile. To me, thats a true indicator of how blind I was. The other one is us on Pat's snowmobile. When I look at my face in both of them, I can tell I had no idea there was a camera nearby. It's interesting for me to look back on those days, and tangibly realize the progress that has been made since then. It's just made me realize, what a long, difficult journey it's been, and how long it's taken me to appreciate all what I've learned and accomplished since then.

Were all the same, in the regard that everyday, is a new day. What makes us different, is how we decide what to do with our day. That's where the differences lay.

Fun in the sun!

You know on certain days , you wake up entirely optimistic about your day, lust because the sun is shining ? That was today for me. It was a beautiful 80• summer day today. I knew I didn't want to run because of the heat and humidity, but , I did want to be active, and play outdoors. After Thursday morning yoga, with Hillary, we went to our usual Thursday post gym breakfast spot. Appropriately named, "Chubby Muffin." As we left I checked my messages , to discover that my OT had canceled , leaving us the entire day to fill.
I was set on being outside, so we hatched an obvious plan. Paddling! We headed to the sailing center, with Hillary's brother in tow. No kayaks till 4 at the sailing center. Boo! We all walked down the bike path to North Beach, to try our luck there. Success! Hillary and I got a tandem, and Matt got his own boat. I was psyched to sit in the back and steer the boat, also realizing that it's a much better seat for me, in regards to having a conversation. I was psyched Hillary was as adventurous as I was feeling, as I headed the boat between a sheer rock cliff, and a massive granite pillar protruding from the water. It was getting slightly choppy, as we turned past a cove, but all went smoothly, aside from me striking the paddle in front of me, all went so smoothly. We all got too much sun, despite sunblock.

We had the boats out for 2 hrs, and then traipsed back down the bike path, where I learned more than I ever cared to know, about the game of lacrosse. I've never had much of an interest in team sports, but, apparently when you do activities with the Bak siblings, that is a subject they seem to generally agree on. Also, Matt is a history major, so he was able to quiz and lecture us on the different war eras. I was thinking, oh yeah, I learned that once upon a time, but I obviously never bothered to remember it . I guess we all have our strengths, but the Civil War Era, is definitely not mine.
We parted ways at Burlington Bay, so I could eat. Hillary returned in a bit, and we walked over to April Cornell, a local clothes designer . I was pleased with myself when I found a skirt I really liked, that is until I tried it on. Pretty unimpressive, on me, anyways.
Next up was yoga, again The instructor , James was very chatty, and spent the first 15 minutes individually greeting us, and asking for areas of focus. I understand the thought behind this, but when I go to a fitness class, I expect to be working the entire time, not listening to the person behind me, discuss their aches and pains, and so forth. What I really love about yoga, is that anyone is welcome, to practice at their own ability level. My balance , flexility, and mobility have more than easily doubled since I began doing yoga regularly. Every day will always be different, in terms of my mobility, but I am just so grateful I've had the opportunities I've been given to help me improve to where I am today!

Supercalifragilisticexpealidotious!

Gold stars to anyone who can define today's title. Or at least tell me where I got that word from.

Moving on,I had an amazing day full of excitement. Started off, somewhat standard. Tuesdays I have a meeting with my rehab psychologist bright n' early at 830. The ride service I use, took full advantage of their 'we can be 20 minutes early, and you need to beady', policy which left me dumping intriguing foods like yogurt , granola bars, and bananas into my purse, and picnicking on the lawn outside the psychology office. So classy. At least it was a beautiful morning, to sit outside and enjoy my piece-meal breakfast on the lawn...

After an intriguing hour of me apparently not wanting to solve my personal conflicts,I went to the track to run away, literally! I was extremely pleased with myself for doing my 3 miles in 50 minutes. I concede, that is very slow by normal standards, but if I'm under an hour, that is HUGE for me. This accomplishment left me just enough time to put on more suitable attire for my next venture, meeting the incredible woman, who was responsible for me being moved to the top of the housing waiting list, back when I moved from S. Burlington. She works under the auspice of Bernie Sanders name.

While I was waiting for the woman at the front desk to get off the phone, to assist me, a handsome man strolled out and asked what I needed help with. As I turned, and began to speak, he says, "Oh, you're Courtney, how was you're trip?". Talk about a great way to confuse me. I explained, I was there to meet Gail, and could he let her know, we were there. But, in the middle, I stopped, and asked , "wait, how do you know my name? He then returned a moment later, to offer tea or water. Meanwhile, I'm trying to place him, as he seemed familiar. Eventually, my 'fail-safe' memory placed him as Burlington's Mayor. Go Burlington! He'd approached me, last month about the marathon, and, I didn't know, for sure, if it was for sure the mayor, I was extremely impressed by his and Gail's manner with me. I'm no longer accustomed to being treated as an equal by those who've just met me, in an office setting, especially, a state office.It was extremely refreshing to walk into a government office, and have a sense of welcome, as opposed to dread, which is more often than not, the case, for me, regarding state agencies.


Michelle and I sat down with Gail, and got her to list off the incredible and widely variables array of non profit agencies in the area. Watching her list off dozens of organizations, and interacting with her, was beyond impressive. It's just so refreshing to encounter people who have a true passion for their work, she knew every last detail, like the back of her hand.

Next, and more importantly, the conversation turned to internships within the office, for Senator Bernie Sanders. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to meet the internship coordinator, then and there. My thoughts were, how extraordinary it would be to have an opportunity to more fully understand how the state intends to assist people, in the capacity they need. My task for this week, is to get all of my ducks in a row, in regards to applying for this internship. I desperately need another position to focus on, and more purpose to my life, aside from rehab. I've had an amazing summer, with outdoor adventures a-plenty, but I now, just have sick, lost feeling, in my existence these days. So, even if it's another internship, at least it's for the community that's helped me get back on my feet. All I need now is to get my application in, and see where things go!

RunRunRun?

So, upon my return from the Push America Trip, I learned of the Marine Corps Marathon, and rashly decided to do it with friends I'd met on the trip. I really want next year to be my marathon year, and thought it was the best plan, until I realized the marathon was this October. I know I ran impromptu 'marathon' in the VCM this year, but part of running as a pirate meant that I didn't feel obligated to run the entire course, and I was more than fine with the path we took. However, if I'm going to commit to registering for a full marathon, I am damn well going to do the whole thing.

After being regained fearsome tales of stress-fractures, I immediately ceased that notion. Although, on Friday, I heard from the Adaptive Sports Center in Crested Butte, offering me potential dates in September. I was immediately stricken by the possibility, but also hesitant, as Sep. 11th is not only my birthday, but also the 5 year anniversary!? of this strange and peculiar life I now lead. That being my brain injury debacle. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I might want to celebrate the accomplishments and changes my life has been through in the past 5 years. They say it's a long haul, and that could not be more correct. I was really unable/ unwilling to accept my mental deficits for the majority of this time. It's all a relearning process to me, and I easily take offense to how I m referred to as, or even my perception, of what I think others think when they see me, or meet me. This is a terrible habit of mine, and is often self debilitating for me. But, the more I put myself out there, and get over my own fears, the more I realize no one is actually judging me. They're more so either afraid of me, like, "I don't know how to approach someone about their disability," kind of afraid. At least that's how I describe it. Though the few who do approach me, I always walk away from those conversations feeling like I've learned something about the overwhelming faith and kindness in humanity. So, to all the people who ask me why I run, I run not only to retrain my brain and body how to run to the best of its ability, but also because I appreciate how much I'm learning about the beauty and grace in other souls.

Social Life!?

I remember back in the early days, this whole living alone ordeal had me unwilling to accept i had social/ cognitive difficulties. Lately, and really for the first time in this process, I'm feeling pretty lonely. I go out everyday, and usually meet a friend or go to an activity, but I'm surprised how disconcerting I find it. Also, now, that I'm living on my own, I'm realizing what a slob I am. When my place is a mess, I have no one to blame, but myself. But, I almost think that is good for me, to realize how sloppy I am in my cleaning practices. A friend of mine, who I know through Zumba at the Y came over to make brunch with me. I was maybe a tad over eager in promising I could make crepes, as whatever I made, were more like pancake crepe-bits, as in a millimeter too thick, and I couldn't seem to correct them. The last time I tried this venture, it the first 3 were rubbish, but the rest were pretty okay. Not so, Saturday. They were thick and crumbly, and difficult to unstick from the pan. Oops.

Sabrina saved us , and made an omelette like concoction of eggs and vegetables, and I redeemed myself, in my opinion, by creating smoothies.

The night before, I'd gone out to dinner with a different friend, Bill, who is usually game for tagging along on my outdoor ventures. Being that he's leaving town, we grabbed dinner. I had decided to wear flip flops, unwilling to acknowledge that they're hard for me to walk in now. I don't understand why they make me fall, but they do. I always assume its a different reason I fall, as It makes no sense to me, but everytime I wear them, I do a face plant. And everytime, I refuse to acknowledge my own stupidity and inability to wear them. I used to wear flip flops all summer long, so now that my walking has progressed as much as it has, I keep telling myself, it's just a bad day. But this fall, was like a bizarre trip into the land of deja vu. Last year I'd been trying to wear flip flops on the same walk down the hill. Apparently, I didn't learn from my mistake. Both times, I ended up, not so gracefully rolling dow the hilll a bit. And, what's worse is that I had the same thought, as I so gracefully extricated my body from the brick sidewalk, "thank God I'm not wearing a skirt.". Why my first thought isn't Ouch, I'm an idiot," I don't know. Very weird. We made it down the hill to Our House, which is one of my favorite local restaurants, only to be informed we had to wait 40 minutes. Let's just say, if it's after 8, and I haven't eaten since lunch, I'm not a happy camper when told I have to wait. We continued down the hill to Tiny Thai, which also has an excellent menu, I really only order one thing on the menu when I go. I never acquired a taste for spicy food, so, I like the coconut milk curry. The only problem I've found HS that it varies in hotness every time I order it. Sometimes it's great balance of sweet and spicy, others,!its all sweet, or all spicy. Regardless, my eyes water, while my moth adjusts to the "spice.". I love to go out to eat, since my cooking ventures often end up like my earlier detailed crepes, but somewhere in this process I developed some anxiety about the amount of time I take to consume a meal, as well as the fact I have a difficult time holding a conversation while eating. Do I really want to be the person at the table who doesn't talk, and somehow how ends up with a large portion of food in my lap? NO, but I often forget, I can't actually blame these issues on my brain injury, as I've always had these problems, and no one really complains openly about it. I guess I'm just in the awkward phase of re-learning how to deal with social fears. Oh joy.

Queen of grace...

Today's title is on of my least favorite 'endearing terms my stepdad, often mocked me with, as a teenager. Unfortunately for me, I still haven't learned to move myself more gracefully, as well as the fact my brain injury has required me to relearn to move. While, it can be super frustrating, to not gaily move around, at least I'm still progressing. But, I also rely on anti-seizure medication to a) stop my brain from giving me grand maul seizures, and b) keep me from twitching, and putting my face in the cement (always helpful). I know that my movement patterns these days are far from normal, but, they work, I can walk, and I run so much, mainly so that I will (hopefully) have the opportunity to move myself more easily, and fluidly. I'm so used to moving awkwardly now, that it's easy to forget that I move differently, that is, until some brave soul inquire about it, or I forget to take my meds (which is most often the case). Being dependent on meds has never really been my style, but, I'll take a pill over seizing any-day. I haven't actually had one in three years now, (Yay!) but, I left my apartment this morning, not having taken the kepra, and, was fine, in support group, not shaking, or unbalanced. Only did I realize my forgetfulness when I unlocked my door. I stepped up, to get in and my foot began wavering, and next thing I kew, it was like slow motion fall. This is not an unusual feeling for me, I always have this ability to recognize I'm unstable, and will fall. My problem is, that I don't listen to it, because if I did, I probably would be a fat, depressed lump on the couch, watching other people lead cool lives on tv. And, I don't know about you, but that is not one of my life aspirations. But, anyways, I just had one of those infuriating moments, where I realized I'd forgotten to take my meds, and then fell over immediately in my doorstep, on the sidewalk. So graceful. I picked myself up, and slinked into my apartment, feeling ashamed. But, as soon as shame hits, fury is in its footsteps, because I'm not ashamed of myself for falling, or anything else, at the moment...

Shame is a very bizarre emotion, when I think about it. I know, I think that, because I avoid it at all costs, and people who have a penchant for bringing shame upon others. No thank you!
If I had to find one thing that I can say I appreciate about having a brain injury, it has to be how much more perceptive and more able to deal with emotion appropriately, I've become. I would never stick up for myself in a situation before, as it took me a while to realize what was happening, if I did at all, until someone pointed it out. What I like about doing this on my own, and getting myself into precarious situations, is that I always learn from them. It works well for me, especially since people generally assume, I'm about 10 years younger than I am. This may enable me occasionally, but, for the most part, I find it annoying. Like when I get asked if my parents are available to sign a waiver so that I can have eve surgery, or rent a kayak. Or, my favorite, when I'm waiting for the bus, and a stranger lets off some steam on a nearby couple I'd been talking too, for not 'helping their 'daughter' get on the bus. All I could think to say in that moment was, 'Don't assume, it makes an ass out of you, and me.'. Although, I can't ever bring myself to speak in a confrontational situation among strangers. They can't understand me, which just makes it worse, and more embarrassing for me.

While I'm thinking about being unintelligible, I'll go off for a bit on my frustrations with getting speech therapy. A few months back, my physiatrist wrote me a script for The Luce Center at UVM. The train speech pathologists, and are very forward thinking. I went there in 2010, and had a great experience, as far as therapy goes. They, however, do not accept Medicaid, and tell me to inquire again in the fall, in case grant funding HS available. I'm so frustrated because right now, I feel like my biggest disability, is my inability to clearly communicate my thoughts. It might as well be August, so by now, fall is just around the corner. But the fact that it took me so long to get that answer from them is infuriating. And to have it basically be," you can't pay the way we'd like, so we can't help you right now," is mind-boggling. In this situation makes me ashamed I have a degree from UVM. I spent a lot if money on an education that fostered community inclusivity and well-being, and then they turn their backs on me because I have state funded health insurance. And UVM is not a private school, it's a state school. I realize that health care politics are mind boggling, but, I'm unable to draw a conclusion about why my state-funded healthcare won't get me services at a state school. I don't want to waste time and energy on getting services I clearly need. It's injustice enough that my heart stopped because I took Yaz, and now I have to fight to obtain services, to overcome the disaster that event created for me. we can all agree I need, to be as effective and purposeful out in the world, as we all do. I'm ashamed to be American right now. This is not the land of the free. This is us the land of; 'if you can pay, than you shall be set free'

Lazy Saturday

Yesterday, I spent the morning lazily being absorbed by social media, and reading previous entries I'd posted, cringing at the editorial mistakes. It's funny how 6 months ago, I didn't notice them, even if I put the effort into looking for them, and now even a misplaced comma pops out at me, loudly declaring, "you're an idiot!" at least to me. You all seem to be pretty understanding, even when auto correct sticks a random word in that makes zero sense. So, I appreciate it , thanks for reading the details of my life run amuck. Why you find it so interesting, I will never know, but then again this isn't your everyday world now, and the reason I write about it, is because i need other people to understand how hard it is, to pick up everyday and put myself forth for others to watch/critique silently. I am so thankful for the friends that I do have, as they help me stay grounded and keep things in perspective for me. I feel like the more time I spend on my own, perhaps the scarier I become for others to connect with. Which might be why I hate living alone. Definitely thought I'd love it, yet it's so lonely. There's no one to laugh at me, or even pressure me to clean the kitchen. Now, I have to rely on the appearance of fruit flys and, oh yes, my own unreliable self-control. Funny how I go through phases of appreciating being on my own, and then realize, after I've chased everyone away that I don't actually want to live like this.

Well, no one puts living on government funds as a top priority in how they want their lives to turn out, I know that what drives me nuts, is how difficult and time consuming they make it, to actually emancipate yourself. It is so blindingly obvious to me now, why people who end up forced into these programs, wind up making a lifestyle of it. It's just easier. I mean, they take all of your self worth and lump it into a minuscule dollar amount. It would be so much easier for me to shut up and "trust" the professionals, whose role is to help me get back on my feet, but, in a way that suits their ideas, and the states.

Figuring out how to stand up for my beliefs, goals, and hopes has without a doubt been my most trying effort in recent months. I just feel so frustrated a) that this has been such a long process, and even now, I still don't know where I'm headed.

Hit the ground running...

I went to the track yesterday, and after not having been in almost a month, I really hit a groove where I just ran, and kept running. When I arrived, a lady spotted me being awkward about the curb, turning around, moving my cane several times, and it just made it worse that I knew I was being observed. It sometimes makes me freeze, so I tried 3 times , and turned to take the easy way in. (the grass) when the woman who'd been watching me in all my awkwardness approached to offer me help. I accepted, but it was extremely challenging for me to exhibit any grace, as I really abhor bring watched by curious onlookers. People are almost always too afraid to ask me why I move the way I do. I often try my best to be understanding and patient with the people who react unfavorably to my story. Over the past couple years I've realized that guys often do not know what Yaz, is or was, neither do middle aged and up folk, so, I made myself start being general, and saying, "the birth control I took caused my heart to stop, so I have what's called an anoxic brain injury. Depending on the response that receives, I'll decide whether or not I feel like explaining my story, and what that actually means.

In this case the woman introduced herself as a PT student, and she was, admittedly fascinated by my movement patterns, and was spot on as she verbally listed my movement problems. I know the way I move now, makes me stand out from others, but, I also know that people need the education about how to accept those who are different.

However, in this case, it was so refreshing, and I felt like we both probably learned from that conversation.

I continued on the track, long after she left putting in 6 miles. The whole time, I was leering in every direction, stable, but watching everything I possibly could. The whole time I kept thinking how bright the colors were, and critiqued the construction of the new norms, and just as I was wondering why the area seemed so vivid, I realized it was probably because it was my first track run, since having the laser eye surgery, and, wearing sunglasses. I've been so used to running with my eyes crinkled shut from the sun glare, it's like a whole new world on the track. I'm still in awe of how well I see now. I feel like I'm living in a whole new world, and still can't get over it!

Push America's Wilderness Inquiry Apostle Islands/ national Lakeshore Challenge

Where to even begin, about 5 months ago, I was trolling around the Internet, checking out No Barriers website, looking at all of the amazing outdoor adventures being had by people of all abilities. Somewhere, I came across a program called Push America, which was offering a paddling trip in Wisconsin at the Apostle Islands, and Superior National Lakeshore. Recalling my paddling trips with and for UVMs Outing Club, I decided to get more information about this event, I registered almost immediately, after writing to the organization, and receiving an emphatic email about the planned trip. As soon as I registered, I expected to get a fundraising packet. Instead, I got a t-shirt, and a letter about the organization. At that time, I was focused on making my trip to Colorado come together, and neglected to absorb any of the initial treading about the organization. Months passed, and I realized I should figure out how to get myself to Minneapolis to meet the group inJuly. About that time, I received an email declaring that since I'd been the first participant to sign up, they had funding, To provide my airfare. A week later, I received a ticket to MN, which was one of the most surreal experiences, to have plane ticket appear in my inbox. It was at that point, I freaked out about not having done enough research, and started to look more into the organization. I never had any bad feelings regarding my interactions with the organization, but the immensely overwhelming concern from my friends and family, made me feel like I needed to not rely on my faith in the positive experiences I'd had with dealing with this organization.
As the date got closer, I got more and more excited, I just didn't make a difference to me whether or not I personally knew anyone. If you can tell someone who you are, they are more inclined to tell who they are. Obviously, it's not this easy in every situation, but in my experience with people who enjoy the outdoors, it's much less intimidating.

I'd been told someone named Abbi, would meet me at my gate when I landed, and I stepped out of the gate and found myself in. Front of Kyle, who I recognized, as he'd been the point person of this entire program, and had helped me with my travel plans. I was so relieved to see someone I recognized, I gave him a gig hug, and then, realizing I didn't really know him, I felt like a creeper, and apologized, which wasn't necessary, but I always feel like I need to qualify my actions, when I'm out in the world. Let's face it, I've missed a lot, these past few years.

Once we had my bag, I met the rest of the people who'd arrived, Lonnie and Abbi. Lonnie was twirling Abbi around while singing the the theme song from 'Top Gun'. I have to admit, you might as well make the most of the most of the time you spend waiting. Lonnie was great with that throughout the entire weekend, and had a real ability to get all of the ladies to dance with him. But seriously, when a man is twirling you around, singing 'you've Lost that lovin' feeling', how can you say no? Slowly, others trickled in, and we made our way to the van labeled 'Wilderness Inquiry,' tossed our bags into the trailer and climbed in. We spent the next 4 hours in the van, getting to know each other, and sleeping. I will never know why sitting around, doing nothing, is so exhausting.

Once at camp, we met the people who'd elected to drive, and I recall being relatively surprised by the enormous variance of people there. Although, despite seemingly insurmountable differences, we all got to know one another pretty well. And, desperately hope we're able to pull off a reunion of this crew.
I went to sleep immediately after dinner that night. I'd opted not to bring a sleeping pad, as I'd read paperwork stating, I could use on of the camps. Unfortunately, I didn't realize the difference it would make, until I woke up the next morning, every joint aching. I officially realized I was no longer a spry kid in that moment. Oddly, I was one of the first ones awake and ready to start the day (usually, I'm one of the last) and I eagerly wolfed down oatmeal, as if it was my first meal in 3 days. And, even though I'd been one of the first to rise, I was probably the last to finish eating. That was Friday morning, and after breakfast we headed down to the warehouse to get outfitted for wetsuits and life preservers. I always seem to forget what an enormous difficulty it is to squeeze yourself into a wetsuit, I think I needed 3 people's help, to pull it on, and zip it. The cohesiveness of this group was incredible. In the past 5 years, I've never really had a group outdoor experience where I felt so at ease, with the level of help I was receiving. This entire trip was challenge by choice, which meant if I needed assistance, I received it, when I asked. And no one made me feel guilty, or like an imposition if I wanted to try to get something for myself. My tent mates, Abbbi, and Jen,were both fully abled young women, and yet, extremely patient with my need for independence. Everyone was extremely courteous and mindful of each others needs, but not overly so.
After fitting, we all headed to the lakeshore for what is referred to as a tip test. This is is when you get into a kayak, and tip it over. This is a common safety precaution to make sure that everyone is able escape from a submerged kayak, before you go out into the open waters. Alex was my tip-test partner, and protocol is to ask each other if you're okay, when you come up. But, I stood up, and was immediately distracted by the choking/coughing sounds Alex was making. I stood there frozen, knowing that if I did need to help him, I might not be big or strong enough to get water out of his lungs. I hated watching him struggle to catch his breath, and expectorate all of that water, because I unexpectedly tripped, wile walking through a river recently, and my face went in the water, when I wasn't expecting it to. You know you're fine, but your body makes you cough so violently, it makes your lungs ache. Not cool. I just wanted to help, but there's nothing to do, but watch. A minute probably went by, and he was good, and we all retreated to lunch, which was deli meat, sliced veggies , hummus, and bread. And of course cookies, which no one is shy fighting about. After lunch, we parted ways. I had ended up on the canoeing trip that day. I don't really care for canoes, or paddling them, because I have a random nerve impingement problem, in my right shoulder. I've had this problem forever. A doctor I saw, when I was 15 called it bursitis, and told me not to bear weight above my head, and that there is nothing they can do. I learned to climb without putting weight on my arms above my head, and never thought about it again. Except, the rare time I've found myself in a canoe, it just burns, and I get upset from the pain, and also because I'm not pulling my weight. My standards are ridiculous, because i try to be be patient with others needs , but I an never patient with my own needs, especially now, that they're different. Seeing how we all had to find our commonalities on this trip, helped me to realize I need to do more of that in my actual life. Look for the commonalities, as opposed to the reasons why I will stand out. One of the most profound life skills I learned in college, was to jump in full throttle, to situations I believed in. I will always believe in outdoor recreation, and I hope that I will never turn my back on an experience simply because I don't know anyone prior to going. 5 days ago, we'd never met these folks, today, I'd gladly help any one I met on that trip, in every way I could. That is what I love about outdoor experiential education. It puts the human element back in your life, because you have to work together to accomplish goals.

I'm willing to bet we all got in touch with the kids we once were, sitting around the campfire that night, regaling our most embarrassing or ridiculous outdoor/travel tales. I have a plethora of them, from my days at UVM, with the Outing Club, as well as traveling in central America and Europe. Being on the poot, has never been a strong suit of mine, and I was able to tell my tale, although, I hate how self conscious I've become , about how my voice sounds. In theory, I have a plethora of the most ridiculously embarrassing stories, from on and off the trail, from my days at UVM. My friend remember every stupid moment I had, I remember nothing. Convenient, I suppose, but that combined with my voice makes me the worst storyteller imaginable, at least, in physical person. After a grand night around the camp fire, we all retired to our tents. That night, I thoroughly appreciated the therma rest, I'd borrowed from the camp.

The next morning, it was dark, and gray, and also, our last day to paddle. We all went for a gander at the National Lakeshore Visitor center. Which is, ironically, not really even within view of the lake. Pretty odd location, if you ask me.

Upon arrival, we realized that if we filled out a survey, we could get a free postcard. The lure of a free artifact speaks to me every time. However the woman at the desk grew busy with others, and I eventually grew tired of waiting for her, and walked to the postcard rack to help myself to one. At this point Abbi walks by holding a postcard, and ask to seer what she picked out. Her postcard was a picture of the brown building were standing in. This is when I realized I wasn't meant to help myself to a free postcard. Oops. Instead, I did help myself to a free coffee, and stepped in to the film area. Strangely, I was immediately bored watching logs in a river, listening to Lake Superiors Historical facts. This prompted me to dump my coffee, and move on to something I found entertaining. Fortunately, that's not difficult, as I began to peruse the exhibits. I love the kid oriented exhibits, as I'm needlessly amused by holograms, and intense magnification, just like I was, at the age of 7... But, at least I have reason; my brain hasn't been visually capable of understanding those types of images, and now I spend as long as it takes for my brain to make sense of these images. I'm sure that seems boring, but it never is, as I'm aware of what a miracle it is that I can see, period. On that note, I felt so blessed to no longer need my glasses or contacts, Yayy!
After lunch, in the visitor center, we parted ways, and it was my turn to go kayaking. I partnered with one of the Wilderness Inquiry leaders, Clancy. I really enjoyed being able to hear the little facts, and curious bits of knowledge about the lakeshore. I also hoped it might mean we'd be a bit more adventurous than other boats. I didn't count on how adventurous though, until I found myself lying flat on the kayak, with about 3 inches between my face, and the rock tunnel we were squeezing through. That was pretty awesome! Although, slightly uncomfortable as I couldn't raise my head to see how much further we had to go. When we came out, it was such a relief to sit up. Around that time another participant became extremely distressed, as the red rock formations seemed to illicit PTSD for him, in regards to trauma he'd experienced during his time in Iraq. Fortunately, his boat-mate, Abbi, was able to take over, and paddle them both back to the beach. In moments like that, you realize how extraordinary, this group is, for pursuing their dream of bringing all abilities to an equal playing field.

When we got back, I was immediately dismayed that our adventure was basically over, at least, the water part.

We returned to camp for dinner, and, later s'mores around the campfire while reflecting on the weekends events. Sharing our highlights, and favored memories of the weekend. This was a real challenge for me, as I enjoyed every moment in equal parts. I can't recall walking Into a group of unknown people, who were so genuinely accommodating.