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Thursday, February 20, 2014

An average day

Woke up before my alarm went off.  This only happens when I don't have a pressing schedule.  Being that I'm makiingva real effort to clean out my stockpiles of food I've never cooked, I spent the morning devising a simple meal.  I also spent a lot of time in Facebook, trying to put myself out there, and do some fundraising for my annual 'snowcation' in Crested Butte.  This time of year is always pretty exciting as I get geared up to spend se time with Maggie, the Adaptive Sports Center!  It all happens so fast.  Every year, I find the travel bug more voracious than ever!

If only I could  find my dream job, that lalowed me to travel,  Be adventurous, and write/publicize adaptive ventures.  

If I've learned anything from acquiring g an unheard of disabity, it's the importance of finding my own path.  And keeping on track with it.

These days I'm beginning to remember who I used to be.  My dreams from another lifetime, the goals, accomplishments, and drive.  The abilities I learned from my early years, life was looking up, as I got ready to take that next step.  I was surrounded by such amazing people, in those years, around the clock.  Of course there were minor pitfalls, injuries, and heartbreaks.  But everything moved so quickly there was no time to stand back, and learn from it.
I was a smart kid, but also very headstrong.  I did things my own way, to learn the process for my own peace of mind.  I still need that, and it still upsets others, imagine that!?

I am not someone who appreciates the process of preparing a meal, however, I love the finished product.  I found some whole wheat noodles, a stock pile of pasta sauce, and rescued some chicken sausage from freezer burn.  I'm not often willing to brave the art of handling 2 burners at once, but it all came together today, and reveled in the the form of a new, and seemingly tasty dinner.

Once I'd restored the kitchen to its original state of grime, I tried to hurry up, and get out the door before my cardiology appointment.  I saw the nurse practitioner.  An aide came in first, and announced she needed to do a EKG.  I bit my tongue, in orer to not start bitching about what an impractical use of taxpayers dollar were being spent, on a test that couldn't give them any new information.  I later made that comment to the NP, as she explained my relatively normal current heart function.  I understand medicine is a regime here, and you have to follow protocol, to avoid mistakes, and, err lawsuits.  I just get riled up because we spend billions more for healthcare in this country, and, of all the developed countries, our outcomes, and expenditures come in last place, among the developed nations, in the world.  I can rant about this endlessly, so, I'll cut myself off here.  But, yes, we have the WORST healthcare access system the world.  Go USA...

Normally, I'm the person who holds all their thoughts, and feeling in.  Although, whenever I find myself in a situation with an unfamiliar professional, I begin to espouse the problemsoif the medical care system in this country.  I didn't intend to directly blame her.  This woman was all in all nice to me, and I went ballistic and called her a muppet of a failing system, which frankly was terribly rude of me.  It's not her fault healthcare is so dreadfully administered here, she probably became a health care professional to help people, not to engage in policy, and regulation battles with clients.  My conclusion, the system is rubbish, and sometimes I'm a bigger ass than I I tented to be.  There we have it.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Once upon a time..

Everyday is different for me, not only in regard to how my head is dealing with life, but also with how how very little structure I have.throughout my experiences with my brain injury, I've been forced to accept many different new realities.  Although, recently, I had to come to terms with my personality type.  Much of my young life I thought A type personalities were among the most annoying, and pushy humans I'd met.  Actually, I still often think that, but that's irrelevant.  Recently, I put it together that I also have that personality type.  There are several other, more positive attributes to this personality.  Fiercely motivated, strong willed, or driven.  This personality type can be super annoying to others when we brag constantly about accomplishments.  I guess I say this, because sometimes it seems as if this blog is dedicated to my daily accomplishments grand, or mundane.  I hope it doesn't read that way.  This is a long and twisted path I walk now,, but I hoope the hardest bit, is behind me now.

Not a whole lot is diffent now that my proper  rehab program is over, except that there are far fewer people in my life, on a day to day basis.  I will always be seeking to impove, not just because of my injury, but also because that's who I am.  Life is, actually  short. 2nd chances don't come around everyday, so I feel I'd like to make the most of mine.

Moving on, I was nervous about PT today, as I had 2 massive myoclonic jerks this morning, in the kitchen.  Basically my left side convulses, and I find myself 3 ft away from where I'd been.  I used to just end up in a heap, whenever this occurred.  But, today I saved myself once, and the refrigerator handle saved me the other time.  Those big twitches are usually an indication I haven't taken my seizure meds, but, I already had, so it remains a mystery to me.  Thankfully, I only had those 2, and didn't have any others.  So, the balance/obstacle course part of PT flew by, but is always somewhat draining, because it still requires ALL of my mental focus, and concentration.  I've been working on it for a little over a year now, and while I'm miles ahead of where I started with it, I  still have miles to go. 

I finished my afternoon, with a meal at city market, and headed over to the YMCA, to get some aqua jogging done.  Chipping bone off my big toe, hasn't been great for my running, so I've returned to the pool, to pretend jog through the water.  It's just as ridiculous as it sounds, but it's really helpful with sustaining your aerobic abilities, so I'm trying to be better about it.

In the locker room, I ran into an friend/acquaintance from our UVM days.  That is always really exciting for me!  We were both Alternative Spring Break site leaders.  We never led a trip together, but I knew her from training.  Oddly enough, I'd thought my coleader, Erika, from my first trip, when 'Stuck in the Middle with you' began go play, at the gym.  My brain has started making connections again!  Random and insignificant as it may seem, I've lived like an empty shell, slowly collecting matter, but not enough to even see all that was amiss.   Trust me, it's strange.  My point being that making connections to things in my pre injury life, is a huge step for me.  I hope I can only look forward to more of it, as I put myself back together.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Forward Momentum?

Mondays are routinely, my only full day, of the week. As in scheduled events, I feel like I'm running from meeting to PT, to appointment, to grocery shopping, to Monday night Kirtan, every Monday.  The busier, more active, and more productive I am, the happier I am.  Everyday, I make more and more connections to who I was before this happened.  It's absolutely surreal, as MY previous thoughts, conceptions, and idea patterns return.  Sometimes I wonder about creators of this strange 1980's era Mel Gibson movie, my mom watched from time when I was young.  Mel gibbons body returned to life, after much time had passed.  It was a really strange sci-fi seeming concept, in those days.  I suppose my point is how I oddly tried to relate to that concept, but really couldn't.  I'm sure a lot of my inability to relate was linked to the lack of life experience I'd amassed by 9, or 10, or however old I was, but the uniqueness of that story has certainly stuck with me.

It's as if I maintained pieces, but, without the other pieces I cannot see the whole picture.  This injury feels truly bizarre these days.  Obviously, I'll never be the girl I was, and moving forward, ever sooo slowly, has enabled me to keep picking back up, and trying to move towards a better tommorrow.  In many ways I feel lucky, my brain was hurt so profoundly, over my heart.  My heart has faced rather aggressive abuse, both physically, and emotionally, in all this time, but it still presses forward strongly, allowing my mind to sauder itself back together.  I never, actually imagined the possibility of that, mostly as I could not recall, ecactly which traits were missing.  Somedays the good, the bad, and the ugly, appear so briefly, and I barely catch it.  Perfect doesn't exist for me, because I've realized every single person, has a different concept of their own perfect, so I dismissed the idea a long time ago.  So, I'll need to describe today, as great.  I made plenty of my usual mistakes, I tripped, and fell, walking on campus, but it didn't hurt, so I didn't care.  Then later, when I was repeatedly offered help, I gratefully accepted, instead of my usual,' no thanks, I can do it'. I'd really rather not have to fall to gain a brighter perspective, on others helping me, but today, it did the trick.

I decided to try another course this spring, at UVM.  It's been a solid 2 years since my last attempts, when I lost focus and the ability to visualize my objective goals, and started running again.  I'm sure I'll always be a space case, but I found the routine of school was so familiar, although, my former practices no longer worked, and the more trouble I began having, the less interested I became.

This winter/spring I'm challenging myself in a somewhat unique way.  Instead of health care policy, I decided to go back to basics, and participate in a public speaking course.  I'm hoping it may compliment my voice therapy well, and help me be less weird adressing larger groups of people.  Tommorrow, is our first go, at presenting to the class.  I'm talking about the culture, of running, and runners, as a sport I ve enjoyed thought the majority of my life.  It seems intimidating, the idea of talking to new people, especially, as I sound so different now.  Although, life is what we make of it, so I hope that taking this course will enable me to overcome my fears, and intimidation, in front of large groups.  Yay school!