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Monday, February 3, 2014

Forward Momentum?

Mondays are routinely, my only full day, of the week. As in scheduled events, I feel like I'm running from meeting to PT, to appointment, to grocery shopping, to Monday night Kirtan, every Monday.  The busier, more active, and more productive I am, the happier I am.  Everyday, I make more and more connections to who I was before this happened.  It's absolutely surreal, as MY previous thoughts, conceptions, and idea patterns return.  Sometimes I wonder about creators of this strange 1980's era Mel Gibson movie, my mom watched from time when I was young.  Mel gibbons body returned to life, after much time had passed.  It was a really strange sci-fi seeming concept, in those days.  I suppose my point is how I oddly tried to relate to that concept, but really couldn't.  I'm sure a lot of my inability to relate was linked to the lack of life experience I'd amassed by 9, or 10, or however old I was, but the uniqueness of that story has certainly stuck with me.

It's as if I maintained pieces, but, without the other pieces I cannot see the whole picture.  This injury feels truly bizarre these days.  Obviously, I'll never be the girl I was, and moving forward, ever sooo slowly, has enabled me to keep picking back up, and trying to move towards a better tommorrow.  In many ways I feel lucky, my brain was hurt so profoundly, over my heart.  My heart has faced rather aggressive abuse, both physically, and emotionally, in all this time, but it still presses forward strongly, allowing my mind to sauder itself back together.  I never, actually imagined the possibility of that, mostly as I could not recall, ecactly which traits were missing.  Somedays the good, the bad, and the ugly, appear so briefly, and I barely catch it.  Perfect doesn't exist for me, because I've realized every single person, has a different concept of their own perfect, so I dismissed the idea a long time ago.  So, I'll need to describe today, as great.  I made plenty of my usual mistakes, I tripped, and fell, walking on campus, but it didn't hurt, so I didn't care.  Then later, when I was repeatedly offered help, I gratefully accepted, instead of my usual,' no thanks, I can do it'. I'd really rather not have to fall to gain a brighter perspective, on others helping me, but today, it did the trick.

I decided to try another course this spring, at UVM.  It's been a solid 2 years since my last attempts, when I lost focus and the ability to visualize my objective goals, and started running again.  I'm sure I'll always be a space case, but I found the routine of school was so familiar, although, my former practices no longer worked, and the more trouble I began having, the less interested I became.

This winter/spring I'm challenging myself in a somewhat unique way.  Instead of health care policy, I decided to go back to basics, and participate in a public speaking course.  I'm hoping it may compliment my voice therapy well, and help me be less weird adressing larger groups of people.  Tommorrow, is our first go, at presenting to the class.  I'm talking about the culture, of running, and runners, as a sport I ve enjoyed thought the majority of my life.  It seems intimidating, the idea of talking to new people, especially, as I sound so different now.  Although, life is what we make of it, so I hope that taking this course will enable me to overcome my fears, and intimidation, in front of large groups.  Yay school!


Julie/Mom said...

Glad you have a focus. We all need that and it sounds like you picked a good one! I wish I could remember that movie you mentioned...oh well, the pitfalls of getting older...
Good luck on your first speaking in class!
Love you the most!

Anonymous said...

I think you said something profound!
You are awesome! Good luck tonight!


Debbie Seaver said...

Courtney - you are amazing! every time i read your blog, i am so impressed with your courage and determination. as a "kid" you were impressive and you only continue to prove you still are as a "older kid".

Marti said...

Awesome, Court! I think that's a great idea. As Erik Wehrnmayer says, it's through adversity that we find our true path.