Rocky Mountain High

I've been working on a post about my snow adventures in Crested Butte, CO, with the fab folks at the Adaptive Sports Center. I have so much to say about my incredible experiences with them, I've decided the best way to portray this trip in written form, is in a day-by-day scenario. So here's CB:day one, the travel experience:


Where to even begin? The grandeur of the mountains to the close-knit communities. On my last trip, this past September, I was unbelievably fortunate to receive my airfare from a local supporter of the adaptive sports center. And the remainder of my adventure costs, were covered by family, and friends, through fundraising. Another huge thank you to all, who helped me to participate in this amazing program! Trips like these make me so grateful for the incredible support, I have. Over the years, Ive often begun to feel like I'm losing faith in the human spirit.Leading a government subsided life, is one of the more frustrating, thoughtless, and misguided decisions I've ever made. The more opportunities I have, to step away, the more I realize, it's as if I'm stuck in a trap. But today's entry isn't about that, it's about the incredible spirit, and generosity of others.

Last Thursday, I caught a cab to the airport at 3:30 am. Miserable, right? Well, I thought so. I'm no longer a creature of little, or no sleep. I didn't want to sleep though, for fear of missing my flight. My roommate/Live in aide works nights, so I had to depend on myself to get there. I'm pretty certain of my abilities to plan out a strategy, when normal means of help, aren't available. I called ahead for a cab, and was ready to walk out the door, when they arrived. Victory # 1. I was a bit of a mess at the airport, constantly thinking I'd misplaced my identification, or phone. Awesome. I travel with my own gear, which can get ridiculously heavy. My bag weighed in at 41 pounds, despite being almost my height, and twice as wide, as I am. I regard that as some kind of miracle. I got a nap from Burlington to Chicago. When I deplaned, I realized my connecting flight to Denver was in the same terminal, so I declined assistance, and apparently walked down a half mile hallway. That felt really good, to successfully navigate myself to my connecting flight. I only got knocked over once, that is pretty excellent in my book, when I'm navigating crowded places. Alone, or not. I think a lot of this has to do with my visual processing. I can't get the message to my body, fast enough, that I need to step left or right, to avoid others hurrying by. I even got to grab some frozen yogurt, and a bagel along the way. Fro-yo is probably one of my oldest food cravings. It's always something I associate with travel too. When I got to the gate, they were just getting ready to pre-board. I was pretty pleased with myself. I imagine many of you may regard this as somewhat simple, and not too thrilling, but for me, living in a world where people constantly stepping in to do stuff for me, it was a huge victory for me to be able to navigate O'Hare, on my own resources.

It was a long day of changing planes. In Denver, I had to get help again, like a tour guide for the airport.Denver is very laid back about assistance, which I find so helpful. Denver connected to Montrose, which is very close to Crested Butte. Montrose is a tiny airport. Easier for me. I walked out of 1 of 3 gates, and saw my friend , Maggie, who works with the adaptive Sports Center, in Crested Butte. I met Maggie, about 3 or 4 years back, at Vermont Adaptive. She recognized me, out at an adaptive exposition. No Barriers, in Winter Park, CO. That was a definite small-world moment. Not being one to turn down an amazing connection like that, I find myself in love with the small mountain community. I've live in Burlington for so long, it now seems huge, by comparison. By the time we go back to Crested Butte, I was exhausted. Maggie had to run out, but had asked her friend Tommy to come keep me company, which was very thoughtful. I knew him from past trips, so, it was great to catch up, and watch ridiculous ski movies from the 80's. feel like I was only half-conscious for the second half. I crashed that night, only to wake up confused, about where I was, and to some.beeping. I only remember thinking, "hope that's not a carbon monoxide detector" before falling back asleep. Good thing, it was only a beeper. Maggie's an EMT, and her pager is always active. strangely, I didn't sleep to well, that first night. I thought I'd crash hard from not having slept the night before. I woke up, crazy early the first couple days, which is not, what my body generally does, willingly. My genuine excitement, for the next 4 days, was off the charts, so sleep was last on my list of concerns, at that point.

Super-duper day of riding freshies

I just wrote that title, and then thought to myself, I don't even know if people still use that term. Gah, it's weird that I've lived here o long, and m so out of touch with local lingo now. Oh well, I still live in this 'city' and live for days like today.
I got an afternoon lesson today. My roommate (properly, live in aid) was kind enough to take me up to Smuggs, in not so great driving conditions. Things were good, until we got close, and the roads weren't well cleared. It got a little tense, but we arrived, all in one, sturdy piece.

I was already to get out there, so we all hopped on the mountain shuttle. The more I get out to snowboard, the more I've begun to pick up on the limits of my abilities, physically, and mentally. The same with running, but snowboarding is vastly more social, because of all the support I need. Right now, my biggest goal is mastering the strength, and coordination to ride without assist. The scariest part of riding alone, is my vision. I see 20/20 now, but my brain cannot process movement, with any speed. I have a terrible habit of looking straight down, when I'm riding without help. I know some of that is from blind spots in my eyes, and it may also be easier for me to focus on an object not in my periphery. My vision difficulties, are an endless subject, even though I know see 20/20, my brain is slower at recognizing the images it takes in. That combines with my innate lack of tut in my physical condition, makes relearning my favorite outdoor activities, relatively frightening. Although, I figure, if I'm not pushing myself to create new y apes in my brain, it's a day wasted. This injury is single-handedly an unfathomable curse, while also, a unforeseen blessing. I realize this, more, and more through every adaptive opportunity, which comes my way.

The 2 you g men helping me at Smugglers Notch, outside jeffersonville, VT, were extremely open to my requests, of attempting to ride unassisted, and also get off the bunny hill. The bus dropped us off at the intersection of a couple trails, nearby an outbuilding. Did I mention Tuesday, was an epic powder day, because, it was! Snow came down for the majority of the afternoon. I'm not used to the powder, but my confidence is unrivalled. In soft snow, to inevitably tumble into. I'm far more comfortable turning from my toes, to my heels. Also, having a rather narrow trail, is pretty nerve-wracking visually. I fell a bunch, but could feel my confidence in my abilities, steadily growing. We also used a snow wing, which is an adaptive device, that wraps around you, in I wing shape. I was surprised to see it, as they hadn't had one, on my last trip there. Also, my only experience with it, was in Crested Butte, CO, the year before, and I wasn't aware of any eastern mountains,that were familiar with the device.

To be honest, I have a hard time with these devices, the stronger I get. I also catch myself putti g up a fight, a d then blanking on it, after I get my way, and it doesn't go as I'd hoped. Not cool, Courtney, not cool. Although, I usually realize this, well after the fact.
We made 2 runs down a lo g, narrow, winding path. Once with the snow wing, once with my go to, offhand held assist. All in all, it was a great morning to be up there!

Getting back in the game

I have to make fun of myself, at his moment. Only because I'm certain I look absolutely ridiculous right now, wearing my gym clothes, snow boots, and my down puff jacket, chilling in a corner of a large open space, in a downtown building.. I do have a lovely view of Lake Champlain,however. I also have 2 bags, at my feet. Mondays, are busy days. I begin with voice lessons, not speech therapy, but voice lessons. I'm paying someone privately, to re-teach me how to articulate, and breathe at the right time, in conversation. Apparently, I have a bad habit, of cramming my entire sentence into one breath, and as a result, the ends of my sentences are unclear. In all of the hours I've logged with speech pathologists, none have described my speech difficulties, in a manner that allowed me to believe that there is a possibility, I may be able to speak clearly. I'm learning how to use my lips when forming sounds. Pretty basic, but its stuff I can control, if I put the effort into it. Think about what I'm trying to say in conversation, as well as, how to move my lips, and tongue, when speaking. That's a tall order, for me, also because I need to slow my speech down, to be more clear. As the years drag by, the more I recognize, my old, ridiculous self. The good, and the bad. I'm still the same procrastinating, active, joyful, sarcastic fool, I always knew. I came off a memory drug last spring, Nememda. It's traditionally given to people suffering from Altzheimers, and me, because I had a very difficult time recalling anything, for a long time. I was excited to come off the drug, but also frightened, as I'd heard they have the ability to not allow you feel, or process emotion. There have been a lot of feelings to be had, and the idea of being attacked by everything from grief, loss, anger, frustration, and betrayal, to love, joy, curiosity, fulfilment, and strength, all at once, terrified me. That's the tip of he iceberg, for me. And, I got exceptionally lucky last year, in finding new friends, skills, and adventures to be had, to distract me from learning to realize, and deal with the fact I have a disability, and this is who I am now. It's not like I've done 5 years of rehab. In the sate system, and can pretend I'm ready to go, and hit full speed. As much as I love that idea, I can finally see where I am now. I've come a long way, but unfortunately, I know that I will never think I've come far enough. That's who I am. I go full speed ahead most of the time. I like to be on the move, all the time. I've been very sedentary, the last couple of months. It's also been strange to have tv again, because, for the first time, I found myself able to empathize with certain stories. I cancelled my cable in the fall of 2011, because I int care bout it. I didn't watch it, and I wasn't all that interested. I now have Internet tv, which I a problem at times, because you NEED self control, for it. It's way too easy to sit, and watch a season, all day, especially when you don't have a lot going on. It's agin oh, but I've had to relearn to ration myself with it.

I don't suppose I have, one Clear topic for today, other than needing o clarify who I am now, and where I want o go. YIKES!

Nuts and Bolts

One of the hardest parts of authoring a blog, is trying to maintain new ideas. I've been full of thoughts regarding the emotional tolls of learning to accept my disability. Although, unlike most other disabilities, I find the more work I put in physically, nd emotionally, the easier they become. In many ways I've had to start completely over, and re-train my brain (heh) to be human again. With my experiences, the old standby line "You don't know what you don't know" has occurred to me, a ridiculous number of times, throughout my recovery. Each and every brain injury is different, therefor it's impossible to create a systematic treatment for each.

As I've progressed, I attempt do my best to never act on those emotions, which is largely why I've withdrawn from any social life I had. Also because, it can be terrifying to be so open about all of the skills, and abilities I've lost.

Before I suffered this injury, I moved from work to school, to group meetings, and to another job, everyday. I may have also been known to frequent some of the bars. I felt this unfulfilled need to accomplish my dreams, and pursue my favorite hobbies, all at the same time. I was constantly moving from activity to activity. So much so, that I a broad variety of people. I honestly, loved that aspect of my life. But, here I am, 5 years later, pulling myself back together, and realizing how lonely I felt then, too. Everywhere I went, I knew someone, and that's great feeling, Neil you realize you Kay know their name, a few mundane details, but take away the pleasant exchanges, and you both know very little about one-another. No commonalities. I didn't have the time, to really allow people in, closely, into my life. I never really closely looked at the decisions I've mad for myself, until now, simply because I feel time knows no bounds. I'm lost, I don't hav direction, or goals, outside of attempting to regain my independence, and outdoor recreation.

Not entirely certain where my head is at today. Feel like I'm picking myself up, and attempting to find my routine, or a new one. I'm getting the one thing I've wanted, more certainly than anything else in the next few months. I'm getting out of the brain injury waiver program, because the state will have apparently deemed me no longer needing those specific services. I will always have a brain injury, but thankfully, the brain is somewhat elastic, and I've come back. I'll never be who I was 5 years ago, but honestly, who can say that they're the the same person they were 5 years ago?

I really have no desire to act 23 again, anyways. I loved life, and even what had brought me to where I was then. Looking back, I may regret my devotion to play, over academics. In some cases, also spreading myself so thin, by committing to every club I had a minor interest in. I love to be busy. Always have, and am realizing I always will. I'm realizing now, how I find myself myerered in this strange, new world, that does not show me, or anyone else, what to believe in, or how to empower themselves.

Thankfully, I still remember who I was, and how I thought, as well as my belief system. I believe those have all been key factors in ability to get through this. The public systems we offer, are often disgraceful, and exceptionally classist. I don't care who you are, or what your relationship is, it is simply so, because every situation is different.

It is purely unacceptable to put words in my mouth, or anyone else's. This is exceptionally difficult to to do. My friends and family do it "for" me, and it really upsets me, whenever it happens. Depending on the situations, depends on how gracefully side. Saying that I may, or may not react to it.

I suppose my convoluted message today, is about the hardships in starting over, but also the strength, and full net that lay on the on the other side. And now, I feel like a cat chasing its tail. Going around, and around, but never quite within grasp. Hopefully, one day, and soon! Never give up.

Shredding the gnar-gnar pow-pow!!

Last Christmas I received a holiday card promising me an adaptive snowboarding weekend, at Cannon Mt. Resort in Franconia NH. The man I know as my step father, Marty, lives over there now, and I can recall many outings to Cannon, before, and after, my injury. I even was fortunate enough to ride with the same adaptive instructor I'd had 2 years back. Ben, a local, helped me stay upright. (Most of the time:), and a couple other volunteers, around for support, all helped out, offered sage advice, and kept the encouragement on, full blast. Encouragement is great for all of us, and always appreciated. Though, I personally, have a character flaw, where, if I'm flattered in any way, my first instinct is to mock the flatterer. Not the most classy of moves on my part. When I did races, or attempted new sports before my injury, I liked to get into them alone, because I don't accept encouragement gracefully. Physical activity, and motion, doesn't come naturally to my brain. It's completely necessary, and clearly makes me a 110% happier, if I get out there, and expend some energy. Being outside, appreciating the wonders Mother Earth gave to us to enjoy and appreciate, is certainly one of my biggest motivating factors for getting myself back in motion. It's far too easy to lose sight of, but the moment, I step outside, with the intention of being active outdoors, I feel like a different person.
Arriving at the mountain Saturday morning brought back, the rush of freedom, I constantly crave. Clearly, life will never come with the ease of learning a new sport, or activity, or even an old one, as it once did. Although, every opportunity I receive, to take a stab, at getting back out there, is bliss. Being that I've had to relearn to gracefully a accept encouragement, and the fact that I'll need to try to push myself, and my own limits. I have to give love to the adaptive sports people, who help me get out there, with their help, because, I'd be done, getting on the chairlift, let alone, getting down any slope, upright. I was ecstatic to have an opportunity to try to ride without assistance. I desperately wish that I had the opportunity to live in the mountains right now, and devote my days to pushing my limits, and growing from those experiences. Getting the go-ahead o even attempt riding without support, gave me my independence, while also allowing me to learn my own weaknesses. It's my belief, that awareness of your weaknesses, allows you to grow, and make them stronger, physically, and mentally.

One of my favorite moments was falling in the powder. I'm still unclear as to how I fell down a steep embankment off the trail, but landing in powder is surreal. I recall my chest tightening as I realized I was falling, and then, poof, I came to rest in a heap of soft, powdery snow. I heard a voice asking if I was okay, and looked left, and right, seeing no-one. In that second, I was thinking, "What if I really hurt myself, and am hallucinating." But then, he spoke again, and I looked up, realizing I'd gone down an embankment, off the trail. This realization makes me laugh. I'm only able try an control my laughter, when I realize I need to climb up the steep bank. Ben slides down, to, more or less, drag me up, and out of my resting place. Never a dull moment, I suppose. After that, we all headed in, for lunch.

After proper sustenance, we returned to the slopes, and I decided I wanted to take a stab at riding all by myself. This is huge for me, as its what I crave. The support, and encouragement, I got, really helped, and helped me bring words to the physical aspects of my disability, as we'll as learn about, how to describe what I want, r need from my adaptive instructors. My ability to react, and process the movements I need to make is quite slowed, my general coordination is slowed, and less responsive, on the left. These are things I know, on a subconscious level, though rarely bring to a more conscious level. However, given that I crave the ability to control my body appropriately, while I've got my feet strapped to a slick board, on a mountainside of snow. W
Each time I began my attempts, I'd feel my entire body tense up. I know what I need to do, sit sending that message, is incredibly difficult, if you're completely rigid. I abandoned my trust in myself, and abilities. If I could ride each day, I know that I old be released from the lack of trust, yet it's so difficult, when I have set pattern of hurting myself in some fashion, with each new thing I try. I once taught myself to ride, but now, I need to relearn properly, and escape the fear. Damn, that seems like a metaphor for everything in my life right now. I'm reminded of the common saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Where the going gets good?

I'm getting on here today, and realizing how long a hiatus I've taken from posting. There are 4 or 5 drafts I've begun, and simply not finished. I'm not writing, simply because I've lost my inspiration. It's not as though I had a fabled source, but I've been working hard relearning to deal with my feelings and emotions. I always was pretty emotional, but could never accept, and got into the habit of pre-emptily disposing of them. In high school, I kept myself occupied with academic, and every extra-curricular activity out there, from running, and horses, to drama and student council. At home, I had horses, and sunk any spare moment into them. Being active and busy, is who I am. I repeated the exact same process in college, working part-time jobs, completing a full ourselves load, ummm partying, outing club, alternative spring break, student council, cycling team. I've never learned to connect with people for the the long term, simply because I never allowed myself enough time to do so. I don't mean that I don't have friends, and people I care about, I'm just reflecting on where I've been, to figure out, where I'd like to head.

I'd like to start writing more regularly again, it's not like I've dropped all of my usual activities, I just lost my ability to positively reflect on my experiences. It's been difficult to learn to come to terms with the fact that I now need help. Independence has always been part of who I am. Growing up, I realized, the more I did, the less I'd be hanging out, at home by myself (only child syndrome). My biggest goal in the last 5 years, has been to be rid of rehab program, get through it successfully. Trouble is, I'm here, and Im completely uncertain, of where I'd like to head now. I'm lost, as I refuse to start over employment wise, though, not having held a job in 5 years, reflects poorly on my résumé. I also miss the social connections I once made through employment, and school, which may be why I pushed so hard for both, in the past few years. Last year, was a banner year for me, and my handicap. Though, towards the end of it, I felt lost, alone, and melancholy. Oddly, all of those thoughts are meddling with my mind most of the time. I'm still running, snow boarding, and planning adaptive trips, just not writing about it. So, I'll take this opportunity.

Last fall, my dad heard of a treadmill, that simulated weightless motion, by suspending the runner, with compressed air. At first I was into it, because I knew it meant I old run all winter, and not have to worry about flying off a treadmill. Although, its really enabled me to work on using my left side. Oddly, symmetry has never been a focus in my PT, over the years. Though, I couldn't be happier to say that, through my work at On Track, on the Alter G treadmill, I'm slowly learning to run faster, without using my hands like vice grips to support myself. Of course, every day is different, not everyday is a success, but it's all steps in the right direction. (Heh, literally)
I've also been snowboarding, at Smugglers Notch, was supposed to go this past weekend, but travel didn't cut it, and I found myself housebound. After much reflection, I've diced I need to change my outlook. Easier said than done. My first step was last night, when I listened to my friends suggestion, to ask for help walking to the car, because of the ice. If you know me, you more than likely are aware that I don't generally ask for help, I'm also not always the most appreciative, of it. It's poor line to walk, because I create a harsh edge for myself, that no one appreciates. Although, my blood curdled with fury, when the young man who'd agreed to help said he'd just carry me to the car. By ll men's, a grand gesture, that I appreciated, though having someone take away the opportunity or me, in one 'foul' swoop, it's humiliating. Although there always an upside, and I'm trying to learn to appreciate that, rather than fighting tooth and nail.
There will be lees sons for all of us throughout life, though most recently, I'm slowly learning o be more gracious Anne accepting help.

Today, I'm sharing another's wisdom, though, I couldn't agree more!

Writers block...

Serious writers block lately. Not entirely sure why, I've been writing, as I feel it really helps me to sort through my thoughts. Although, I really can't actually bring myself to post anything where I'm unequivocally infuriated with my decisions, and by those around me. Lets be real, injuries, in general, are horrible, because they completely rearrange your way of life, and because you need to readjust. On top of that, the difficulty with brain injuries, is that they can often strip you of your former identity. I can't pretend I'm an authority on this subject, though everyone's mind is affected under trauma, so, it only seems reasonable, right? I know I felt somewhat lost before my injury. By appearance, I really looked like I had myself together. I did well enough in my studies, worked, to support myself, while I put myself through school. What put this stress on overload, was the handful of leadership activities I also participated in. A typical weekday, my senior year began with watching 2 kids, and getting them to school,heading to the farm, where I fed horses, turned tem out, and helped muck out. Every other day, I'd have time to go for a ride. I'd get back to my apartment, with enough time to change, eat, and go to a couple classes. If it was a work day, I'd head tohe hospital by 3, and work until 11. If I wasn't working, I'd be be at he library, at a club meeting, at the gym, or all 3. I never really understood that everyone else wasn't as driven to accomplish so much each day. That is, until I acquired this injury. In college, I could easily surround myself with friends, and people I looked up to. It was a hugely nurturing, and supportive environment. When I sustained this injury, the fact that I thought ofBurlington as a hugely nurturing environment, and that I was in what I thought was in a supportive relationship. Looking back, I've been through so many stages of anger, disbelief, unrelenting fury, and denial, than my mind/soul could possibly realize. Saying it's been a long, difficult journey, doesn't even open the door. I'm quiet in social situations a lot, because I've really been unable to process my own deficits. As they say, "You don't know, what you don't know."

Functionally, and motivationally, this has been an incredible year for me. I discovered what is possible in team work, and as an individual. For those discoveries, I'm so thankful. However, emotionally, this has been the most difficult year I've ever faced. In the last 5 years I lost my identity, my independence, my emotions, countless relationships among friends and family, and one love. Although, I couldn't process much of the impacts these experiences directly had on me. I feel rather foolish or only being able to realize my physical disabilities, although, I believe everything will come in its own time. I've been told over, and over that I need o accept my limitations as they are, and move on. If I had done that 5 years ago, I'd still be under Lund the clock supervision, heel chair bound, and not able to feed myself. That sounds like a very fulfilling life, if nothing else (not).

Over the years, I've worked with some truly incredible therapists, doctors, and counselors. I wouldn't be where I am today, without heir support, and encouragement. Although, as with most situations, I've spent the majority of my injury turning my back to heir views, and ideas, simply because I don't understand them, or because I do not agree with them. In this environment, if you cannot immediately, as in, between breaths, qualify your dissatisfaction, you will be trampled. It happens to me before I'm able to catch myself nearing this type of situation. It's all a learning experience. As is my living situation. In college, this was easy, because we had lots in common, similar budgets, and extremely busy schedules. Now, I struggle to find commonalities with many people, my ideals are relatively intact, I love to be outdoors, and I've developed a strong interest in accessible adventure eduction. These experiences, combined with a new found interest in meditation, and middle eastern culture, primarily meditation, although healing arts in general have become more of a core focus, s time passes. Medicine, as well as government programs have become oo sterile, and I malleable to really benefit people anymore. Our world as become too overpopulated. The world is now so big, that we rely on machines, created to improve speed, and performance. Granted, they complete their tasks as designed, but continue to propagate the impersonal lack of compassion for one-another, that seems to growing more persistently, these days.
Today I attended a group meditation workshop, with my friend Anna, and her father, who is also a long distance runner. I only add that because we agreed there was an assimilation to the mental laxity, you find on long distance runs. Man, I feel like a nerd, writing that I love a port r the mental clarity I gain from it. Yes! Anna has an incredible gift for spreading her appreciation or life, and for getting others to join her in the activities she participates in. Prior o 2 months ago, I knew very little about practicing the art of meditation. She invited me to join a group she attends, in October and I couldn't be more hooked. It allows me to sort through my shredded mess of thoughts I carry around, everything from, 'who am I? To how do I show appreciation, or interest in someone ,I look up to? Or even what is the cat telling me, when he poops not in the box, but 2 feet from it, on the floor? These thing, combined with the stress of my jeopardized government programs, mull my thoughts into a heap of stress, I'd prefer to discard, as opposed to untangle, and properly deal with. Social values are so profoundly different amongst each person, and I've learned that through meditation, I can salvage many of my old defining principles, while also learning to appreciate the joy brought by others around me. I feel slightly corny writing this, but I was unwillingly forced to stop, and start over in life, and that has taught me more about life, in 5 years, than I I deviously ever imagined possible.




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Stellar Sunday. Superblaa

Where to start, at the beginning I suppose... For those of you that have pent a decent amount of time with me in the last few years, you're probably aware that my ability to or create plans has been relatively nonexistent. If I have something that motivates me to accomplish a task, I can do it, take the adaptive adventures I've had this year!they've each been brilliant learning experiences for me. I've gained the confidence, and social skills that are SO necessary in day to day life, and developed confidence in myself, and my abilities. These have been key instruments in my fundamental survival. I can, and will, sit here, and write how oppressive my lifestyle, and living environment, here in Vermont s. generally, I'm not willing to share my thought, and perspective regarding my over meant funded lifestyle, dimply because it is not a positive reflection of myself, or who I care to be. We all make decisions with old, and bad aspects. In the beginning, I knew I'd made the or react decision, because I was unable to up port myself, and my family wasn't really in a position to drop everything to assist me live my life, and receive the funds ands, services, and therapies I've needed to relearn life, how I see fit. The difficulty with rehabilitation, and doing it in a country that celebrates independence, and choice is that there can never be one definitive way to accomplish a task. Also that the social values are relatively, to very unlike anything I wold consider appropriate for myself. This is a side note, but there is NO guidance in this area, or if there is, it's from someone lacking ore values themselves. I'm surely not qualified to make allegations of his regard, though, it seems to me, this is a situation where were 'cutting our noses, to spite ourselves.' I grew up in public schools, went to a public university, and never once did I think, or believe I'd missed opportunities, I could've had, had I elected, and pushed for a privately funded, elite education. Never once, have I regretted those decisions. I honestly do believe I, and anyone else can achieve whatever goals we may set for ourselves, in a certain frame of reference, of course. When I graduated from college, I planned to gain experience, and perspective, while deciding upon my professional path, and which graduate studies to go into. One doesn't exactly sign up for the debilitating, life-style changing experience of a brain injury, or any disability, for that matter. But, your success, upon meeting hardship, truly depends on your outlook, and how you choose to perceive it. Yes, I can consider myself a victim of a pharmaceutical companies mistake, but I'll be damned should I ever portray myself in that light. My perspective has vastly changed, over the course of my experiences, in the shoes I walk in now. I remember the medical community, retry definitively having the opinion, that my situation was relatively hopeless, given then the extent of the damage my brain had sustained. If I could say anything abut who I am, as an individual, I will say, that I, lie many others, am goal oriented/driven. Over he 10 years I've lived here in Vermont, I've slyly watched the majority of my fundamental goals, and dreams be extinguished. I went to UVM to complete my prerequisites for veterinary school. Turns out, I loved the cal atmosphere, and partied, and payed outdoors, slightly more than I hit the books. That's an expensive lesson to learn about yourself, when you find yourself partway through your Junior ear, without the motivation, or draw to study physics, and microbiology. My mind will always seize, if ever I hear a conversation regarding the calculation of moles, an elemental compound may posses. To this day, that holds true. I decided to explore my favorite childhood passion, of horses. Within a month, I'd left school, packed my bags, and, and moved to Chipping Sodbury, England to live/work/play on a competitive equestrian farm. I earned early in life, that if you take financial responsibility for yourself, then, no one can influence you into, r oh of your choices. I will always stand by my decision to leave school, and take the time to figure myself, and my goals out. The reason I'm detailing these lessons, from my re-injury life, is because I need to look ack, to what I earned then, to find my way now. I feel like I had a massive oversight, n regard o how if cult it actually is to emancipate youse from the intellectual slavery, that binds one into these programs perpetually. I've been told countless times how mart I am, since sustaining this injury.

Maine-iacs! (Homeward bound for the holiday of Thankfulness (and Turkey)

This year I had so many incredible experiences, and adventures, there was much to be thankful for! As Ive become increasingly more aware of my 'new-found' abilities, with each opportunity I have to push myself. I am so blessed to receive these amazing opportunities, for not only my physical involvement, but also emotional evolvement. This is a part of my world, I'm so rarely able to detail, well, because it terrifies me. Fr so long, my world was devoid of emotion outside of the extremes, beyond happy, excited, or angry, and freighted. Though mostly it's flat- line. The fact that I never cared, even if I knew t should really bothered me. I just couldn't process t, and wished expletives old calm down. On that note, I feel like our society in general, has taken the hysteria level of life, a notch too high.maybe, it's just the world I live in now, although, I see to notice it everywhere. So bizarre. And now, as my feelings have reappeared, and in full force , it's overwhelming. I'm nervous around everyone, and have zero confidence in myself. That, in itself is difficult right now. Now, I'm almost partial o my lack of ability to be self-conscious , nervous, or dejected. The past 5 years have held so much of each, from losing loved ones, termination of relationships, a parent fighting cancer. , to the other side with amazing family vacations, the weddings of close friends,attempting to return to working, opening the door to adaptive adventures. This year alone has brought me all over the country, to participate in my style of adventures, and for being given the gift of rediscovering my passion r outdoor recreation, I could not be more grateful!

Though, as is traditional of this holiday, the spotlight of gratitude should really highlight those closet to you. My parents, have contributed more time, energy, and money to my recovery, and continued happiness than any might ever imagine. It's funny, growing up, I was nearly estranged from my dad, as I became an adult, that changed, and our relationship became more solidified, he could not be more dedicated, always willing to help me with my ridiculous ideas to get back to enjoying the world. Because of the severity of my injury, I couldn't, and really still haven't processed how unbelievable my progress is from 5 years ago. I recently dug back through the blog, to my inpatient days. I remember some of Spaulding rehab. and all of Crotched Mountain rehab. But looking back onAt, I remember how nieve I was. You could not convince me he long, and intricate the rehab. process would be. Looking back, I'm glad I couldn't accept that, because I've learned that over time, the more you put into your life, and others, the more you receive back to you in return. This is an old realization, as in many people have realized this over the years, well before me. I know, the first time I heard that statement, I probably rolled my eyes, and continued rushing through whatever I'd been doing. I'm still in disbelief over how much we miss, simply because we're moving so quickly from one thing to another, without actually processing those changes, or how they may affect our lives. The good must always balance the bad. This year I have 2 lists, one of things I'm very thankful for, and another of things I'm OT thankful or, and want to change. Though, this post is celebrating appreciation, and thanks, so I'd like to focus on the first.

This year I'm thankful to have such a supportive family, because d be in my own little horror show, without their love, and support, I'm also tankful to have had the opportunity to have had the opportunity to attend the 'No Barriers' conference last year, and for all f the amazing connections I've made his year, from that event. Having the opportunity to Participate in outdoor recreation again, feeds my soul.

See, life s just all around better, when you focus on what makes you happy, not what doesn't,or inventing new ways to cover emotional grief. Just sayin' I feel better, about finding my path into a productive, independently sustained lifestyle. I still have 2 years left of being a certifiable twenty-something. I need to make he most of them, since I'ms lowly regaining my own values, and traits. Check, something else I'm I'm thankful for!

Practice Thanksgiving!

Every year one of my old college friends, Chris, holds an event, the weekend before Thanksgiving, aptly called Practice Thanksgiving. Originally, it was a big group of UVM Outing Club kids. Now it's a cohort of outdoorsy young professionals who gather to watch ski porn, and eat like gluttons. Oh right, also to be thankful for where our lives have brought us.

The family has vastly changed in the past 5 years, though still, all very caring, and supportive of each other. I have fun every year, but I found that this year was incredible, asI can finally appreciate all of the amazing people, and opportunities I have in my life. This has been an extremely difficult road for me to follow, but, when I get he opportunities o hang out with people who knew me before, and now after, it brings me out of the wasteland, my bored mind envisions myself in. I had a opportunity to do some networking with a couple from a local adaptive program! Catch up with friends I had no idea still lived in Burlington, and eat the mot heaping plate of food that has ever been placed before me. I have a difficult time allowing friends to serve me, but I'd been led to the front of the line, and didn't want to hold things up, so I allowed it. Amazing. Pretty sure I gained 5 pounds in one meal. I didn't leave the chair I ate in, until I left. We're not meant to consume so much, though, apparently, it's that time of year. I am ready for whatever we do at home now. My contribution, was Pumpkin Pie. I made one, and it looked terrible. Having been at a holiday bazarre earlier, I picked one up with a better appearance. I can now say, better taste too. I try to bake pies every fall, and they never turn out as well as I'd like. It all takes practice. The first one is never the best, but at least I have soto enjoy here. Yum!
Another staple of tactics thanksgiving is ski porn.. Every meal begins the same way, we all o around, and say some thing were thankful for, which is then followed by a ritualistic showing of 'hot dog'. I think I have the name wrong, but m not sure.
After the movie, music came on, and everyone got into conversation. At one point my, and everyone else's conversations ceased. I looked following my friends gaze. Another grabbed my arm, and said, "look". Some brave soul had brought there lid to the gathering, and he was rocking out, doing ancredible performance using my cane as a dance partner. Apparently, I view my cane incorrectly. It made my night to see how much thrill and enjoyment could be ha, with my 4 prong quad cane! Apparany, it's a fantastic dance partner. Who knew?He helped me see that, perhaps, I should feel less burdened by needing to carry a cane. Because, like anything, it all depends on how you approach the situation. And, another thing to be thankful for!

Sonetimes I feel very cynical of my Burlington life. As in its difficult to appreciate the wealth of resources I have at my fingertips here. Last night hiwever made allI JC those feelings disappear. I felt so fortunate to realize that my old view of the Queen City do still exist, I've just been lioking in the wrong places!

The photo below is our host Chris, surveying the feast of practice Thanksgiving.

Thriller of a Thursday

Thursdays are traditionally my one, busy days of the week. i have the assistance of an awesome young woman, Hillary, for 8 hours. As time has passed we've become good friends. Thursdays are our epic yoga days, and we begin with an 8am class, and end with a 530 class. in between, i sandwich in most of my weekly appointments, from psychologist to voice coach, and occupational therapy. I hit hard this week, with yoga, voice, PT, and the psychologist, and more yoga. He keeps me running. This is my Amorites kind of day. I don't appreciate empty, unplanned time, yet I'm a terrible planner. Go figure. We kicked you know what, all day long, I am so thankful to have someone so high energy helping me get things one. Government funded programs could be so much more successful. I plan my days like that because I know she is able to keep me on track with all the details. I'm getting to learn to plan a head or my day, but far from perfect, so, I'll remember my sneakers or PT, as its on my mind, but forget my folder for voice, and as we leave she'll give me a verbal checklist of the things I need for each activity. Finding, I didn't remember my voice folder, back we go. At last, we made it o yoga, got our zen mindset, and binge ate breakfast, at the Chubby Muffin. Yum. I look forward to a banana chocolate chip muffin every Thursday now. AMAZING! By the time we got to power yoga at 5, I was rabid with hunger again. The instructor in this class s great, but the class moves too fast for me, so, I'm always 4 or 5 moves behind, awkwardly bending myself in ways tat never feel correct, or good, for that matter. The more classes I so, the more I want to become a certified instructor for challenged individuals. Falling over is part of my daily life now, and believe, that because of the yoga I've been able o practice since my injury, it's enabled my joints to remain fluid, as well as helped to promote strength in a more natural way. We all lose touch with the fact that we re all living organisms on this planet, and just take so many fundamental things for granted, because its all become so easy now a days. Having his injury has given me an entirely different lease on life, I'm just so happy now that I'm learning to appreciate it!

You thought I was done, didn't you? You should be so lucky! My adventures continue, as a friend from my favorite gear store had invited me to a house concert they were putting on. never one to pass up a chance to see live music, i immediately accepted. soo Amazing! At home, that evening, I realized I'd confused my Thursday eve. Plans, and the house concert I wanted to go to, was also a pot luck. Yikes, that meant cooking in a small amount of time. My housemate suggested a bean dish, as it was easy, and quick. Fantastic. It was done by the time, my friend Zetty picked me up. A band called Rusty Bell was playing in their living room, and the house was packed with people, some of whom, I knew, and others I didn't. Apparently no one realized the band, had a rather large following, and the place was crazy. I loved it. This was my kind of evening, great music, wonderful, encouraging friends. It was the kind of group, where I felt comfortable asking anyone for a hand. Even though we were packed in like sardines, I never thought about people getting out of hand, or getting trampled. It was such a calm, but joyous gathering. I feel like I've been emotionally trained, since my injury, to automatically expect the worst outcome, at events, but I find the more I go out, and socialize, nothing scary ever happens, I just realize over, and over what a cynic I've become, and how amazing this community is! . I just can't get over how welcoming/ helpful everyone was, now that I'm learning to come out of my shell again. What a great day!

Whelp! It's Election Day!

I hope everyone completed thee civic duties for the season. I had the opportunity to learn we can vote at the town office, at least a month prior to Election Day. Excellent! I didn't ever change my voting district when I moved, therefore, I knew I'd be stranded without a way to the polls. So, I took the advice to vote early. Sincerely wish I'd known this opportunity was available 4 years ago. It took me soo long to cast my ballot, as I was just regaining my ability to process the written word visually. This time, there were no lines, just an empty room, and me, my pen, and ballot. I even received the congratulatory sticker proclaiming my participation in American Civics. That has probably been the most entertaining thing about Facebook today,?is realizing I'm not the only one who still gets excitement from receiving a sticker! It's like vindication we did something good. Which, we did!
I feel like its easy to get caught up in the media frenzy surrounding politics. Although, I personally have been relatively immune to it this year. Not having cable, has done wonders for my abilities to relearn to consider my surroundings. I really mussed it last winter, when I made that choice, but after being exposed to it, in my travels recently, it seems SO over dramatized, and well, treacherous. I'm not exceedingly unhappy in the world I live in, unless I watch tv, and realize a lot of what I've missed in the last5 years. I'm not saying I'm against tv, but I will say, I think we'd be lot better off, as a race without it, because it shows you what you're missing, or even portrays entirely negative mind sets. More or less, I'll say it's a real catch 22, because I do know that the ability to stay current on civic duties, and outcomes, is entirely necessary . However, the extremes of political villainy, I was exposed to, made me very uncomfortable. What on Earth would make me want to trust someone as a leader, when their campaign is based on back-stabbing other candidate. Nothing says, 'trust me ' like an ad porting the opposing parties downfalls. News flash, it might be helpful to point out your own merits, and qualifications as a leader, before yo deconstruct the current one. Obviously, I'm late, on raising these issues, but I already feel relieved, as there are only 2 hours left of being subjected to torture of this kind.

As Americans, we are exceedingly fortunate to live in a country where we all can have the opportunity to select our preferences. It wounds me, to meet, or hear others say , that it doesn't matter. If we all had that opinion, no one would even make it into office. This country is founded on freedom, fundamentally. There isn't a day that has gone by in the last few years, where I haven't felt like a slave, or rather a mouse stuck on a wheel. For me right now,, Election Day, is a concept I fervently hold onto, because it enables me to believe that I can make a difference towards my personal economic situation presently. As with my brain injury, nothing happens overnight. No matter what today's outcome, our political system is an ingeniously designed system of checks and balances. Looking back on my decisions, I feel ashamed for not sticking to my own ideals, and following my own voice. This year, it was a race between the lesser of 2 Elvis, and I felt an enormous amount of pressure to conform, and vote Democratic. It's such a difficult choice to make, as I always prefer to vote Independent, well, almost always. I was pretty excited to see Obama come into office, in 2004. I agree with much of the country, that it doesn't feel likes he's accomplished much in the last 4 years. Although, that said, CHANGE is I a big job, and 4 years is a short amount of time to dig a nation out of the size hole we were in. I don't actually know where we're at today, other than its a much smaller number. It's my opinion that this country needs a new foundation. Economically, we need a fresh start. Knowing that will never happen, I can't help but feel hopeless, as no one seems to have proposed a plan to repair the fundamental flaws in our nations framework. Trying to figure things out for myself, is hard enough, I can't imagine the pressure of supporting an entire country. Oh America...

Marine Corps Marathon 10k and Hurricane Sandy w/ Push America

Where do I even begin? AMAZING! I never quite know what to expect from these events. I participate in them for so many reasons, and even though this event is so short, I thought it could be a really great way to finish my running season! Here's to getting my run on in Washington DC. And so the story goes...

I was fortunate enough to have my roommate Sarah help me get to the airport, and deal with security. It was shockingly simple getting through. I don't think I've ever gotten through so quickly, and easily. It also helped that there were only about 4 other people in line. Burlington is the perfect size airport. Only one terminal, and limited gates. I'm a fan, as its more of an approachable situation for me. I flew US Airways, as they were the cheapest ticket, I could find, and also since I'd had a good experience with them previously. I can't tell you how happy I was to fly with them. I'm sure this was a once in a lifetime situation, but the attendants seated me in first class. I've never had the opportunity to sit in the front of the plane before, nor could I understand why anyone would pay so much more for a slightly larger seat, and hot coffee, or mixed drinks. I was slightly caught off guard, being offered a Bloody Mary at 6 am. To each their own I suppose, To each their own, but coffee suited my tastes, at that hour. Call me weird, but vodka before breakfast isn't a manageable task for my stomach. Plus, I was already appreciative enough to have a nice, comfortable seat.
Back in the day, I would've been psyched to have had the opportunity to be off the plane ASAP. However, I am so slow now, I can't, in good conscious, deplane before others, for fear of getting trampled. I waited, and got off last, where a staff person was kind enough to walk me towards the exit. I was so happy to not be forced into a wheel chair. Plus, it's a great way to meet people. It's funny to hear local stories, as you arrive in a new destination. As we walked, I heard my name, and started looking everywhere. The man who had my arm, asked me if I knew the guy waving his arms, over there. Over there is the least helpful direction, anyone can give me, since I don't know where to look. It only takes a few seconds to figure out where to look, though it always feels like minutes. I realize these are small amounts of time, but for the number of thoughts I have in a confusing situation, I perceive it differently. It's a very different reality for me now, as its always changing, and I so often need to rely on help from others. It is always a huge relief for me now, when I see someone I actually know. The US Airways staff person handed my bag to Kyle, the program director for Push America, and we made our way out of the airport. Challenge 1, complete!

I didn't get much done Saturday. Other members of the Push America team trickled in, as the day passed. I napped, watched tv, and assured my family I'd survived the flight. That afternoon I got up, and tried to find the others. Alas, no one was around, so, I sat down in the hotel restaurant, and ate a burger. Just sayin' there are far better burgers to be had, than those at a Holiday Inn. Some kind of unidentifiable meat product in a patty. I've lived in Vermont so long, I've become more of a localvore. More, just food conscious. Though, yikes I've never had a burger from a non fast food joint I wouldn't finish. Thankfully, dinner was in the near future. I tried to help get ready for the dinner, by arranging shirts, and various items bearing 'Push America' on them, on a table. I doubt I was actually as helpful, as they made me feel I was. I was just happy to have something to do. Then, I went back upstairs to my room to get something, and fell asleep(again). I missed half of dinner, which I wasn't happy about, but, at least I didn't miss the promotional video, that had some scenes from our summer trip. After, Lonnie, one of the blind fellows from the kayak trip, last July, stood up to tell his story, and speak about some of the amazing work that Push does.

One of my favorite things about participating in these events, or trips, is learning how others deal with, and overcome barriers, life puts forth for them. I definitely geared up, listening to Lonnie's story, about his 5 year old daughter, encouraging him to get back into his life on his farm, and being his vision, while he mowed the fields. It was really is amazing what people can accomplish,, when they work together.

After dinner, I retired, again, to be up at 430,again. We all met in the lobby, the next morning, to get transportation to the start points. The 10k began outside the Pentagon. It was a definite experience, seeing daybreak over the Pentagon, a pretty unique start to my day. I ran with 2 of the guys I'd met over the summer on the kayaking trip. Jake and Eli. They were fantastic running companions! Very high spirits the entire 6.2 miles. We were very fortunate to not run into any problems during our 6 mile jog. Eli helped keep me in the know, by answering my idiotic questions about words I don't know from today's pop culture. Also had some pretty entertaining stories to boot.. Jake has a thick English accent, which I loved listening to. Always reminds me of the good, old days! It's so wonderful for me, participating in these events, because I forget to feel like a weirdo, pushing an empty baby jogger, for, seemingly no reason. I'm not usually self conscious about my differing abilities in races, it's the training that gets me. That's when I seem to have the more perplexing experiences. Eli, Jake, and I trundled along in high spirits, occasionally playing tag with Lonnie, and his guide. Each time we neared him, he'd shout about how gorgeous I looked. The man definitely knows how to make a gal feel good. I admit, I laugh, each time he praises my looks. To me, anyways, running has never been an interetest of mine because I look good doing it. I am a ridiculous runner. In high school, I'd be ducking Into the woods, to puke, and then get back on track. That was a fun reputation to have. Everyone wants to cheer for the girl who puked all over herself. Alas, times have changed, and I've had to adapt myself to my ever changing difficulties, but as I've grown, and so have others. So here I am today, running in my biggest race to date, with 2 amazing fellows by my side!

We trundled in, 5 minutes faster than I did the Beach to Beacon 10k last year. That felt awesome, to realize I am improving, even though I don't realize it. I am so thankful to have had Eli and Jake by my side. Running isn't easy for anyone, but their high spirits, and laughable demeanors , made the race a lot of fun. The crowds towards the finish line were enormous. Much like at the Maine Marathon, but we were still straggling in from the 10k, and the crowds were already thick! I thought I heard my name being yelled, as went by, but I couldn't imagine anyone I knew was there. I just found out today, a friend from my UVM rugby days , and outing club events every now and then, was there with the Walter Reid hospital crew supporting their team, and saw me. How awesome is that? I wish we'd gotten a chance to talk, but it was still an amazing moment, as we all finished! Eli completed his first ever running event , which was awesome! I never learned if Jakevran or not, but they were great to run with! I was psyched to not have taken a spill, nor get run-over by a herd of runners, at any point, always a plus! A huge thank you to everyone who helped make this race possible! I could go on, and on about what an amazing event this is!

After receiving our medals, we trudged back and forth, in search our tent. Finding anything amongst massive numbers of people milling about, is impossible. After almost an hour, we eventually found the Push tent. It was relatively empty, but the pizza was already there, so we all helped ourselves. It's funny, last spring, when I ran as a bandit in Vermont City Marathon, the idea of eating pizza, after running, was almost an undoable concept for me. After the Maine half, I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a pizza in my life. Same here. Having something warm and greasy to eat is the most satisfying thing ever! As it cools off, having warm food available after a run is beyond rewarding. A couple of hours passed, and one of the hand cyclists, Sherri, finished, though there was no sign of others. A couple of the able bodied runners trickled in as well, but, we all were concerned , as more than half the team was still out there, including one of the hand cyclists, Kristen. I was freezing, after multiple hour sitting in my sweaty running clothes, and it was clear I wasn't alone. Around 3, a group of us decided to make our way back to the hotel. It was more like another 10k. My plan was to just follow the group, to the buses. We never found the buses. Once it became clear no one knew where to go, a cab was called. Pretty ridiculous, I fit right in. On the ride back we got updates on the rest of the team. One of the hand cyclists, Kristin, my roommate at the hotel, had been involved in a nasty spill , due to an inattentive runner. Her hand cycle had been damaged, which posed a problem for her finishing. If I recall correctly, she rode to mile 23 or 24 before her bike made it unable for her to continue. She did make to the finish though, despite all the trouble! Way to persevere!
I returned, and immediately took a hot shower to warm up. When I left
the room again, I tracked down a couple other folks to find out the plan. Kristen had returned by then, so I got all the details of her race experience. What happened to her was outrageous, as it seemed a runner had been warned she was passing, and had crossed into her path anyways. They'd both gone down, but he got up , and carried on apparently. I apologize if I'm missing details, or have incorrect information, this what I heard. The worst of it, in my opinion, was that she'd broken her helmet, from landing on her head. That's what helmets are designed to do, but it means you took a high impact fall. Because, I now live in the brain injury world, and am constantly exposed to hyper activity, about bumping your head , I was a little keyed up, until I'd talked to her, and it was pretty clear she'd be okay. I hate it when people get hyper about falls I take, so, I didn't want up act the same way, but, in that moment, I realized how hard it can be to tone yourself down. She was fine, just a little banged up. As the night pressed on, Hurricane Sandy became the next issue of concern, as we began to receive notice of cancelled flights. I was among the last to receive notice, receiving an email after dinner. Knowing this meant I'd either get a couple more days in DC, or to return to Charlotte, NC with Kyle, and the other Push staff, I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

I ended up going down to Charlotte, with Kyle and Dave. Throwing random people in vehicle can be a great way to get to know new people. most of the drive, we played an intriguing road trip card game, "Would you rather?' It's a set of cards, each with a question that gives you 2 choices. It's a great way to learn about people you don't know all that well, because you all end up defending your answers, if they differ. The hours passed so quickly, and as we pulled in to get dinner, my phone rang. I tried to convince them not to wait for me to catch up with my friend, but nope, they patently sat, and waited for me. I felt badly, as we were all hungry, but that's where it stood. They were either profoundly patient, or, as it occurred to me later, because I'm a liability, as a participant. Excellent.

I can't for the life of me, recall, the name of the fast food Mexican inspired place we ate. Reminded me of Moe's, minus the whole 'WELCOME TO MOE'S part.

We got back around 10, it was a much longer drive than I'd realized. A a bit surreal driving through Virginia, and seeing all of the snow. It wasn't a light dusting either. And, back to rain, the further south we got.
Looking back, I feel ridiculous writing that I fled from the storm, by going further south. Not everything I do makes sense, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, and worked out well! I've never spent a profound amount of time in NC, so I looked at it as an unplanned adventure.

I didn't really have much, in terms of pressing obligations this week, I cancelled the appointments in my calendar before Thursday. This was difficult, as originally, as I had no idea when I'd get home. My return flight, was booked for Wednesday afternoon, so I thought I'd be okay with canceling everything through Wednesday. Apparently, I failed to get ahold of my voice coach know. I called on Monday, but received a call on my trip home, from them, wondering where I was.

Tuesday morning, I awoke ridiculously early, alarmed at my surroundings. It was around 4 am, and I didn't know where I was. That was terrifying for a few seconds, until my mind kicked in, and I realized I was in North Carolina, staying with the program leader. Chivalry is something I always saw in movies, and, ever so rarely encountered first-hand. Giving your guest your room, and sleeping on the couch, was a concept I couldn't wrap my head around. Maybe that's just me, but I didn't go down there to feel like an inconvenience for them. That was really hard for me to accept. don't know that I've ever woken up, and not known where I was. It was also confusing, because I woke up in a guys room. This is the weirder part of my brain injury for me , my ability to recognize my surroundings doesn't come automatically like it used to. I sat straight up, and my first thoughts were, 'Oh my god, where am I, and what did I do? Wait that's not right, but I still don't know where I am. Where the hell am am I right now?' As soon as I chilled out, I realized where I was, and that I was fine, although, profoundly ridiculous, and went back to sleep. Chivalry is a COMPLETELY foreign concept to me, as its nor all that prevalent in the northeast, nor in my present economic tier. It's an adjustment, either way. Yikes, i scare myself sometimes. got up a couple hours later to swap smoothie making tricks. It seems pretty straight forward, but I think we each learned something new, and that was cool. Then he left for work, and I hung out with the wall size tv, on overload of storm coverage, and political dramatization. I don't have cable in my apartment anymore, which I actually appreciate. Now. It was an adjustment at first, but now it's an adjustment, whenever I'm around it. At first, I'm glued to it, wide eyed, and then an hour passes, and I remember why I don't want it. The drama. I can't realistically imagine what a better country we'd live in, if people weren't exposed to all of that hype everyday. But, that's just my opinion. Obviously, it's a fun, normal thing to have in your life, I just felt shell-shocked, as I'm not used to it anymore. Im actually psyched right now, that I don't have it, because I find the political villainy so disturbing. Seeing some of the ads, and the shameless backstabbing makes me ashamed to identify as an
American. When I was little, I thought I lived in the greatest country in the world. Now, seeing how we treat each-other, and the image pop culture creates, I'm not so proud. Yes, that's why I don't have cable, so I don't blog about my distaste for how my country is portrayed. When did I become such a stick in the mud?

Anyways, I was rescued from my tv treachery around noon, when Kyle, and Sam (if my memory serves me) showed up. We all went to lunch, at a place that is known for grilled cheese sandwiches. Naturally, I didn't realize there were also cold sandwiches on the menu, so mine wasn't what I'd imagined, but still good. I'm not a huge fan of eating out with people I'm not super close with, because I eat so slowly,and because I inevitably find myself wearing part of my meal later in the day. It's just weird to always be explaining to people that I'm a slob, and I eat very slowly. Oh well, a lot of me knows that these are my perceptions at this point, but I'm still finding myself conscious of it now. I don't even know where it comes from, as no ones ever said anything specifically.
After lunch, I got to check out the Charlotte YMCA, which was awesome. Always need to be moving, so, I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to get to the gym. I kept myself busy for a couple of hours, before Kyle appeared again. He had talked the day before about showing me National white water rapid training center. That's the gist of the name, but I didn't have a clue, that a place like this existed. Sadly, the water wasn't running, but the park, and all it's toys was a lot of fun to learn about. Without water, it appears as cement canals , with ledges, and boulders. Still, I was sure its pretty epic, when the water is running. A group came in to use the zip line, which was a bit distracting, seeing people fly by above my head. I forgot that I have a hard time maintaining my balance when I look straight up, and found myself in a heap on the ground. So smooth.
It was great to just have a chance to spend a little time outside, in the adventure park, and in good company. As much asI wished the water was running, it was phenomenal to check out the park, and learn about a new area.
From there, it was time for taco Tuesday. I found myself at this awesome little Mexican cantina, where each taco was a dollar. My kind of place! Also, an interesting slice of life, as I was the only gal, at a table with 4 dudes, which has always suited me. I seemed to develop an affinity for the sports and activities, that had a lot more guys. In the healthcare world, it's just the opposite. It's not like there are no men, but women are much more prevalent. That was something I never actually realized about myself. I was, and still am into outdoor recreation, but I never realized how much less pressure I feel, to adhere to social norms around dudes. Yep, I'm nuts , chock full. Its because I have a brain injury...Funny how how getting out of my usual surroundings always teaches me so much about myself, that I wouldn't otherwise realize. And now, y'all get to read my realizations, obvious, or not so.
There was so much packed into Tuesday, I was exhausted. Wednesday, I had a flight home in the afternoon, with a layover in DC. I asked Kyle to help me get through security . It's really time consuming, and confusing for me to deal with where to go, and keep track of all of the small items, I so easily misplace. I felt so fortunate to have the help, in that situation, which was funny to me, as I so often resent it. I definitely, would have more trouble than I would ever be willing to anticipate. Leaving, I was sad, my short, unplanned vacation from my Vermont life was over, or so I thought. I thanked Kyle for 543rd time, and left the friendly, and ever-so-chivalrous south. Such a different world!

It was bittersweet leaving, as I'd just gotten there, and met so many amazing people. It was great learning about a new area, and going on new adventures. i so easily forget theres a whole world, waiting to be explored! i said thank you for the 473rd time, and headed off to the plane. A fellow passenger helped me find my way to next gate. so Kind. figuring out shuttle buse scedules and maps is somewhat beyond me, so that was wicked helpful. Iwent to board my Burlington flight, and it gets to boarding time, and they delay it. When it came time to board again, they announce it's cancellation. At first it's like, freak out, what are we supposed to do? But, I didn't really want to put all that energy into it, so I got out of the endless line I was in, and got involved in a texting frenzy. What I don't remember about group messaging, is that everyone receives every message sent, which in my opinion is unforgivably annoying, because you find 15 messages that don't pertain to you. I was extremely happy when I got a message that my aunt had rebooked me, for the next morning. Now I had to set about finding a place to stay. I reached out to a couple of friends from UVM, that I knew lived in the area. This would never have worked out, if we'd planned it, but luckily my friend Tim was available to come pick me up, after work. We were in many of the same sciences courses, back in the day. He however, prevailed in that course of study, whereas I abandoned it, halfway through, in favor of writing, and communications... And horses. I don't really realize how much time has passed until I have the opportunity to catch up with old college friends. Tim moved to DC to complete his medical residency. That means he's completed med school, in the time I've relearned to live an adult life. Maybe? I'm so happy for him, and his accomplishments, but I can't say it's not sobering for me to realize this. I'm genuinely thrilled we had the opportunity to catch up, as every experience I have with friends from my old life, also helps me realize more about who I am, and that I do actually have something to offer the world. What a concept! I so easily to forget that, when my TBI program consistently focuses on my weaknesses, and failures. I've been fortunate to work with some positively minded souls, over the years, but, it's the set up of the program itself, more so, than the individuals running the programs. I'm a number, out an output. This world is black or white, pass or fail, there is no room for grey area. I imagine that is why it seems so callous. Needless to say, its not the greatest design, but the more people become aware of the burdens, and hardships caused, the more likely they are to change!
I'm still in shock over how desensitized I've become, in my own little world. I felt like I must've said 'thank you' every other sentence, to everyone. I love going new places, where its not super awkward trying to start a conversation with people I'm less, or unfamiliar with.. Flying back to VT seemed surreal, since The time flew by. My TBI program is always telling me to let go of what I used to be. At this stage in my little world of redevelopment, I couldn't be happier, I've been able to hold onto my values, and beliefs, because they, along with a ridiculously amazing friends, family, and acquaintances have led me to the progress I've made since incurring this injury! These trips take me out of my little box, and are slowly helping me piece my world back together. For that, I'm so thankful, good thing it's November!

I hope you all learned som things from this post, I know I did!

Love,
Courtney

Deep, dark depths...

Sometimes I wonder if my focus on running is a metaphor for my life. I tremendously unhappy with certain aspects of my life presently, but, through all the bad turns, the moment I step outside, and start pushing that ridiculous jogger, I feel better. I know it helps me mentally work through the days missteps, and also helps me to reconnect neuronal pathways for balance, and, hopefully, agility. I dream that one day I won't need to use a jogger for balance, and that ill be able to elongate my stride, and pick up my pace. Yep, that will be the day.

The consensus seems to be presently, that I move from event, as a method of fleeing from government funded disaster of a rehab program. I really didn't agree with that allegation, but now, as I face my last event of the year, I wonder if I somehow, have misguided myself, into a frenzied, action oriented life style, once again, .. because that's my true nature, or because it takes me out of the demeaning, negative lifestyle, I'm currently up to my eyeballs in. I live between a rock, and a hard place currently. Mentally, I just want to leap off, and hit the ground running! Physically, we all know I'm not there yet, but, I can say, I get closer everyday, even if it doesn't feel that way.