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Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Some days...

Writing so difficult lately.  Since acquiring this injury, my emotions have felt stunted, I recognized the basic things, such as love, and hate.  But, outside of the big stuff, I've had to slowly piece it all back together.  One the hardest parts of telling my stories, suddenly became even more confusing, as I began realize I could process more complex emotions.  I had lived in a judgement-free world, because I did not have the ability to look at others, and think about how I would act in that situation.  That's more-or-less how I perceive judgement, putting your own views on others.  Sometimes this is profoundly ugly on people, sometimes it's just annoying.  And rarely, it provides me with a teachable moment, for myself.

Yesterday, I was walking down church st in Burlington, to catch the bus down to the waterfront, nearby where I do physical therapy.  I was moving fast, and realized it, so while I'm complimenting myself in thought, on being able to move so quickly, my foot catches on an uneven brick, and I go gown.  Hard. Is that Murphys Law?  Anyways, it was really painful, and I immediately began to cry.  I then put my focus into getting up, before people approached, but it was too late.  When I fall, concern arises.  Unfortunately for me, I despise attention when I've fallen.  I feel like road-kill, where people see something, that has obviously caused pain, and injury, but are inwardly thankful, to not be in that compromised situation.  I often take a spill on a weekly basis, although recently, it's been more frequent. I'm used to falling, from lack of balance, or the unforseeable muscle tremors I occassionallyendure, that throw me down.  I understand those, and frequently move more slowly, when I feel less confident in my motor function.

Like I said, I was proud to finally feel more confident in my motor function, and was cruising along.  What got me, is a deficit I rarely take into consideration anymore, my visual field.  I tripped on something I hadn't seen.  I feel like I need some kind of training that helps remember to look more closely  where I'm walking.  Over the weekend I fell in a parking lot, because my foot hit a 2ft high cement pylon, that I hadn't seen.  More tears, though more from schock, and enbarrasent, than physical pain.  My balance has improved so much, that I seem to forget there are other reasons I need to slow down.  

Back to Curch Street, a knd young woman offered me a tissue, and a hand up, once I was able.  The resounding ache in my right hand, concerned me, but I had appointments to go to.  It looked like a sausage, and was immobile.  After physical therapy, I decided to go to urgent care, to be sure it wasn't broken.  I wound up being sent to the emergency room.  A decision I fully regret, because of its profound expense, and the minority of my injury.   I'm already fully pissed at the American healthcare system.  The expense is profound, yet urgent care I difficult to acess as a non-driver, especially when you're in pain.  I'd called my support person, but no answer.  Surprisingly, they called me after about10 minutes.  I was registered, and brought to private area to wait for x-Rays.  It wasn't broken, thankfully, so they taped my fingers together, to support the sprained one.  I left, feeling idiotic for visiting the ER with such a minor injury, but my right hand is the only one I can depend on, so, I wanted to be sure it was alright, but suddenly those hard won feeling accomplishment, are gone, as quickly as they had appeared.


Dad said...

I am sorry for your fall, but commend you for getting it checked out! For me piece of mind about things like that is worth the effort.
Your anger with the American medical model is completely justified. I feel the same. We pretentious to to thee
"Greatest nation in the world" , but when you analyze our behaviors, we are selfish, bullies, seeking to satisfy our own perceived needs without regard for others or our plant.
(Enough rant)
Court you are amazing! I can't wait to see you for the Vermont City Marathon relay. That will be so much fun!

Julie/Mom said...

Many parts to piece together when you are moving...or talking or cooking or doing anything. I was talking to my cousin tonight and he has to do the same thing. Every automatic skill or sense must be thought out in his head, step by step to produce the results we all take for granted.
So happy your hand isn't broken. I also am so proud of you and all you've accomplished in the past.
Take care and have a good week.
Love you the most!