Lazy Saturday

Yesterday, I spent the morning lazily being absorbed by social media, and reading previous entries I'd posted, cringing at the editorial mistakes. It's funny how 6 months ago, I didn't notice them, even if I put the effort into looking for them, and now even a misplaced comma pops out at me, loudly declaring, "you're an idiot!" at least to me. You all seem to be pretty understanding, even when auto correct sticks a random word in that makes zero sense. So, I appreciate it , thanks for reading the details of my life run amuck. Why you find it so interesting, I will never know, but then again this isn't your everyday world now, and the reason I write about it, is because i need other people to understand how hard it is, to pick up everyday and put myself forth for others to watch/critique silently. I am so thankful for the friends that I do have, as they help me stay grounded and keep things in perspective for me. I feel like the more time I spend on my own, perhaps the scarier I become for others to connect with. Which might be why I hate living alone. Definitely thought I'd love it, yet it's so lonely. There's no one to laugh at me, or even pressure me to clean the kitchen. Now, I have to rely on the appearance of fruit flys and, oh yes, my own unreliable self-control. Funny how I go through phases of appreciating being on my own, and then realize, after I've chased everyone away that I don't actually want to live like this.

Well, no one puts living on government funds as a top priority in how they want their lives to turn out, I know that what drives me nuts, is how difficult and time consuming they make it, to actually emancipate yourself. It is so blindingly obvious to me now, why people who end up forced into these programs, wind up making a lifestyle of it. It's just easier. I mean, they take all of your self worth and lump it into a minuscule dollar amount. It would be so much easier for me to shut up and "trust" the professionals, whose role is to help me get back on my feet, but, in a way that suits their ideas, and the states.

Figuring out how to stand up for my beliefs, goals, and hopes has without a doubt been my most trying effort in recent months. I just feel so frustrated a) that this has been such a long process, and even now, I still don't know where I'm headed.