Follow by Email

Pageviews last month

Friday, August 17, 2012

Where the rubber meets the road...

Today, (or this evening rather) was a fantastic distraction from angst and confusion ridden caveats of my day to day life. This past Tuesday I had an infuriating 'therapy' session. This is a man whom I've never seen eye to eye with, but, in the interest of dodging proper topics, with actual substance, I've admittedly not been particularly open, preferring to placate my way through the conversation topics. Discussing personal issues face to face with most people has never been a skilled area of mine. It's not because I don't care, but more because my head thinks of multiple responses, which can be quite rude, depending on the situation. In the interest of not being a jerk, I'll keep my moth shut. Though, in the great ole US of A, if it's government funded systems have taught me anything in the last four years of robbing me of whatever self-respect I owned, it's that I don't fit in this idiotically designed system. I really do think our health care system is designed by well intentioned folks. The world is just so big, and variable now, that in trying to create system that fits EVERY-one, we've actually created a confusing black-hole. We live under a system that was designed for a uniform environment. The last time I checked, this country has never embodied uniformity. Certain groups try to, until other groups wear them down. Thesedays I'm pretty sure the message is to accept everyone for our differences. Doesn't always come across that way, but I'll just say its all part of our personal evolution.

In terms of my personal evolution, the more aware I become of my surroundings, the more difficult I find it to press on each day. What other people thought simply didn't affect me, which is probably why it's been so easy for me to march to my own drum this far. Why the change now? I know it's because my brain is reforming connections. However, this is a pretty frustrating time for me to be realizing the magnitude of my insecurities. Not cool. I can put them away, but now, they come back out and BITE. Extremely inconvenient timing as I'm just getting back into paid employment, and have to start at the bottom all over again.In theory, it's not a bad job, because I get paid to do something I have to do anyways, ride the bus. At first, I thought this would be a great little way to earn a few dollars. However, the moment I realized this meant I needed to be vigilant of my surroundings aboard the bus, I began to abhor the position, and the bus altogether. Apparently, I'm not the all-accepting type I thought I was, but to be stuck in an enclosed space with the conversations I listen to, hurts my soul. I just can't understand why there is such a cleft in our society, but it's also hard because I no longer belong to a side. And this environment really made me aware of that, therefore, I hate it. I literally get home, curl up, and sob, until I can collect myself and workout. Is this job worth the mental anguish it seems to illicit for me? Nope, but that's my opinion, which is, apparently disregarded. Yep, life is awesome right now, I can't wait to go home. At least I don't feel like scum of the Earth there.

This job probably wouldn't bother me half as much, if I had anything intellectual to hang on to, but, I don't, and according to my rehab. people it's my ticket to a job I want, because it forces me to work on my weak areas, like self-control, and time management. I know that's true, but it surely doesn't help me get through it anymore easily...

1 comment:

Dad said...

Ok last time site froze....
So, I support what ever you decide! And I think I hear what your saying... I agree that our society can be really depressing. And certainly the bus ridership isn't the upper crust! Is there any way to change your paradyme...
You are civic with good social ambitions. Does this make any sense? Is there a way to add value as you move forward?

If it feels wrong and just doesnt work, it's your choice. "where the rubber meets the road" your words, your choice.
And remember we do believe in you! And we love you.
Some days are harder than others... And some are great! YEY!