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Monday, August 13, 2012

Land of the?

In this life, right now, I understand that I need to work with what I'm given, as they're the only cards I have left to play, where I'm able to foresee any kind of outcome. Although, at this point, I feel as though I'm losing hope. I no longer feel like I can get back on my feet, with the tools I'm given. In this environment, the system doesn't really allow for that, nor doesn't sustain any sense of personal accomplishment. All I need to do, is correspond and manage the thoughts of 5 people to make one decision. Once in a great while, we pull off something, that really improves my life. Then, we get touted as a shining example. But really, most of the time I feel like I have 5 people helping me tread water. At some point everyday, I just want to tell them to pull the rug out from under my feet, and be gone. Then, on the other hand, I've developed connections with some of these individuals, and I have to realize that my success is in their hands right now. Quite frankly, I sucks at letting other people hold the reins.
I am interested in making use of the government programs which behoove my interests. But, when someone tosses 16 different options into a basket, and expects me (or anyone) to make a decision, I can really only hold on to 2 different options at a time. So I'm likely to choose the option with the most detailed discussion, or the last one. If these programs want you to be independent, then they need to do a more comprehensive job giving people the tools to get there. Every time I turn around, there's a different shiny and new option. At this point, as appealing as the advertisement may be, it's really just enabling me to sign on for more time living off of government funds. Can you blame me, if one of these days I immigrate to a new country ? I have to say, we have great intentions, but we've diversified our options so greatly were no longer capable of making decisions. We are so well intentioned here, but, each group has different interests to pursue. I now fully understand why' The Great American Melting Pot' will always be an idealistic dream, we can always go after, but never actually encapsulate. Helping everyone is a beautiful goal, but, it's just not that simple, as we all have different interests and ideals. I love living in a diverse country, but I do not love living in an economically diverse country. It means that 95 percent of the US population feels as though life is unfair, because the other 5 percent is so ridiculously wealthy they can control whatever strikes their fancy. So much for living in the land of the free.
Part of acceptance in this country is that we need to realize we all, can never fit in the same neat, little box. I appreciate speaking up for myself, just like the next person, but chances are we'll each have enormously differing views regarding the state of the economy, social issues, as well as political leaders. Does this mean either one of us should be more correct than the other? Nope. Of course, human nature prefers that you fight about it, and the victor prevails. It's like, why do people listen to Mitt Romney, oh maybe, because he's an active media figure who made a lot of money in big business, and people think, 'well, if we have leader like him, maybe we'll come into good fortune to help fix problems, or just enjoy the finer bushings in life, like I know? I wish life was that simple. I'm not even going to pretend I know what other party thinks in any situation, because, if I've learned anything in the past 5 years. It's to have no expectations. I, of course have expectations of myself, but I was trained a few years back, that no one (in the state program) actually expects anything of me. Its not designed for People to succeed with, but, for them to survive with. I know better, because I lived in the real world, and it's not as scary as I'm made to believe it is. Life is full of hard knocks for everyone. It doesn't matter who you you get painted as, we're all going to fall at some point, and then, hopefully, get back up, and try a new way. At least that's what I need to do...


Dad said...

Hey kid,
Sounds like " tightening the wagons" some... As far as politics, you hit the nail on the head in my opinion!

What helps me, is a good sunny day and being outside enjoying the fresh air! I think part of the beauty is that we can keep trying at our endeavors.... We will prevail! Sometimes though the design is different than what it was when we started.

BBC is very soon! :)

Julie/Mom said...

It must be so frustratiing having to deal with this branch of the government. You do it well, esp. considering your are so insightful with these situations. Moviing to another country is always an option however it's doubtful things are any better re. funding for programs you are partaking off. Perhaps the plannning and options are better but one never knows until you are immersed in them.
Great you.

Patricia said...

Mostly, people in the state-funded organizations that you are dealing with, cannot do what they would like to do or need to do, mostly because of funding. You are right about them doing the minimum and not helping people to become more independent, to work, etc. It's a maintenance program! But, Courtney, your determination and drive will pay off in the end. I encourage you to keep writing & keep going, even if it doesn't feel like you're going forward. Sometimes, treading water is all we can do. We all feel this way at times...Love you! Patricia