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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Devil in the details...

Today will go on record for me, as the day I lost my marbles. Not really even positive, what that euphemism emulates, aside from craziness. It's not even that I had a crazy day, or even went crazy, but, I did lose my cool, and/or my ability to contain myself in any manner resembling dignification. And, not once, but twice. I've been able to realize where my tipping point is, in the past couple months or so. That is, realizing it nearby, and edging away from it. In my world, I honestly cannot conceive a more self-imposed vulnerability, then showing my emotions, or, more specifically, allowing my anger, torment and frustration to take hold of a situation. The idea of that, couldn't be more terrifying, and I've pretty effectively meandered through life, with out ever needing to face that fear. That is , until today.

It gets impossible to hold in, or try to ration my grief, heart-wrenching anger, and humiliation inside, after enough time passes. I don't really know that I've been able to process emotions like others seem to. Most of the time I think I recognize them, but they're not always strong enough for me to act on them. This year, I've realized, I may have earned myself a reputation as someone who rejects a lot of ideas, and has to map their own road.

Today, I felt provoked into unleashing my 'shit-show' of feelings on the team of people who came to be more or less responsible for my little space in the world. I surely understand why their
positions are so difficult to maintain, as state and federal funding is so limited, and the workload is easily double a manageable size. Not to mention, their clients are so annoyed and frustrated, their work is rarely appreciated.

I've become quite adept at not saying what I feel, though have always held back, but I also have specific reasons regarding my injury. I realize that no one understands me, when I speak, especially if I'm upset, so it comes across as more of an embarrassment to me, than a a hard-hitting delivery of my feelings toward a situation. I generally choose not to show my emotion, if I'm able, as it makes me all the more difficult to understand. Though, I get that I need to release it periodically, so I don't explode in a fury of emotion. Even though, that's exactly what I did. I unintelligibly yelled, cried, scoffed and screamed at the 5 people who hold all of my cards. In that moment I felt it was justified, but I forget that I am difficult to understand vocally. So, I was more or less, the ballistic young woman screaming noisily. Not exactly the gratifying release of thoughts. That is why I write, but, it will never replace the gratification of verbally communicating my thoughts in the correct setting, when they come to mind. Just saying...


Marti said...

Thank God you can write. Maybe this is a sign that your brain is making more connections to allow you to express your feelings. So from that standpoint, this release is a good thing. I wish more than anything else, that I could take away your misery. I'm glad you understand that releasing your feelings is a good thing. Keeping them inside isn't healthy. I hope you feel comfortable releasing your feelings with Dr. Davis.

You will always have a ton of support from your friends and family, no matter what happens.

I can't wait to see you in Maine!

Keep writing. It's so important for you as well as all of us.

Julie/Mom said...

So, for the things you mention about controlling your emotions and rejecting others ideas, remember you were that wey before your brain injury. Now the big task is to be able to control and release emotions at the proper time. I wish I could do, unfortunately runs in the family. I am aware you know all this but sometimes it helps to be reminded of it. Keep writing and keep venting when you need to. We are always here for you as I know you are for us!!!