Shanti Om...

I started off my Monday, trying to plan ahead, and pack for my trip to go kayaking, in the ApostleIslands (boundary waters) of Wisconsin, and I suppose most of us start off under best of intentions, as I did, but when my friend approached me about heading to Mt.philo, packing HAD to wait. Anytime I can get a friend to do something outdoors with me, I seize the opportunity! 'hiking' really gave me an opportunity to appreciate my 'new' eyes, which I've very quickly settled into already. It was so exciting to marvel at the patterns on the trees, up close, and then take the view from the top. My appreciation for the outside world is back in full force, as it's beauty is unrelenting.

After our expedition walking up and down the paved access road (which is about all my balance can handle) we headed on to monday night kirtan. I'm generally pretty close mouthed about my participation in an Indian chanting group. Mostly because whenever I attempt to explain it to someone, I often receive a less than understanding response. Or, an, oh that's nice, kind of remark. Bill however, seemed pretty interested in the idea of it. I brought my case manager once, as she seemed interested, and I was just pleased she had such an open mind. She hasn't ever considered coming back though. In my old life I can't say how open minded I might've been about this activity, but now I could not feel more fortunate that they have accepted me, and those who are brave enough to come with me, and learn about a more holistic lifestyle.

Work ethic?

I don't even know where to begin tonight. I'm pretty stressed about living alone. My previous desire to live alone has long since faded, about, so now that I'm on my own again, I'm feeling vulnerable to loneliness. Even weirder, is that I work pretty hard at keeping myself busy, which I'm doing a much better job of these days.. Yesterday, I let myself get absorbed in a book all day. I can only guess what Hillary thought, when I answered the door in my underwear, hiding behind the blinds. Probably the same thing you're thinking, that I'm lazy. Whatever, I have to embrace living alone in all of its shameless glory while I have the opportunity. But having to answer the door shamed me into putting on shorts. And, I was so glad I did, because about an hour later there was another knock on the door. This time it was Pat, from my previous home care provider situation. His mother recently passed away, and knowing they were getting rid of all the furniture, I'd appealed to their offer for furniture, with a request for an end table, to go by the futon. Low and behold one appeared. I am feeling quite fortunate, as I haven't had much luck replacing my old one. Of course, when you buy a table for $10, you know it is likely to have a short life.

My being glued to Eat, Pray, Love continued, and I'd planned to just keep reading through the evening. Around 9, my phone rang, and it was a Winnooski neighbor, asking me to watch his kids. This is definitely someone who's one of many people, I need to return a favor to, so I said I would. I have to admit that knowing Simone feels that I'm a competent enough human being to watch their kids, was a reassuring boost I needed.
They all picked me up, and as soon as we walked in the door, the boys got busy finishing their chores, mopping and dishes. I wondered if maybe they should come watch me, to make sure I do all of my chores ...
The younger boy was obsessively reading a comic book, which presented a challenge for me, in terms of figuring out how to keep a light on for me, without providing enough light for him. And it's so difficult to have to consciously tell a kid to put their book down. I know, because I was the same way about reading as a kid.

I'd planned to go home when they returned, but I was already passed out when they returned, and I awoke on the floor in a heap of blankets confused about my surroundings. Eventually, my brain kicked in to the extent it does. When I got back to my empty apartment, I opened windows ant the door for air flow. I put my running gear on, like I had a plan, and promptly read 4 more chapters, and then went to the farmers market. Mainly, I went because I wanted chocolate croissants from the artisan baker. However, he had the audacity to not show up. My sweet tooth was crushed. I stopped to say hi. To most of the vendors. A friend who helps me with a ride to Kirtan, has a tent, and when I stopped by, he invited me to a gathering of that crowd at the beach. I didn't hesitate because it wasa beautiful sunny day, and while I have very little in common, with much of the group, I feel as though this group is unquestionably present in their. Own lives, as well as in their companions. Even though I barely know the majority of the group, I never feel as though I'm bring judged or mocked. People are very accepting. I am more frank and open with them, because they are the same with me, which I really appreciate.

A man sitting nearby asked me if I had a spinal cord injury, no doubt because of my labored movement patterns. Strangely, that was the second inquiry of that kind that day, as I'd explained to a Greek cook, at the farmers maker earlier. It seemed, an intriguing occurrence, to have the same 'diagnosis, twice, in the same day. I understand why though, because it's visually apparent how much effort it takes for me to move. I don't really need to spend time deliberating over potential reasons why, I just decided to be pleased people occasionally illicit an interest or curiosity, and are brave enough to make conversation.

That conversation, made me inquire about his own struggles of a spinal cord injury, and it seemed pretty stating to finally share difficulties with someone who understands, the amount of labor and effort we put forth to accomplish our daily goals.
He professed repeatedly, how much water resistance had been key in his efforts, and suddenly, I found myself parading back and forth through the shallow water, with an arm for balance. He struck me as one of the most inspirational individuals, I've had the privilege of meeting, simply, because of how much he'd overcome, especially, as he was Natively, from India, where his injury occurred, and years later still accomplish his goal if immigrating here, and leading a productive life. I am often so blown away by the work ethic of immigrants I've met. We bitch and moan, about our positions, whatever they may be. While the immigrants I've met recently, often work 3 different manual labor positions, while, still taking pride in their work. That replanted a seed for me, as I'm attacking the workforce, and I want to make absolutely sure that I wind up fulfilled in my position(s) whatever we end up finding, or creating. Although I'm realizing, I do need to make those stepping stones, yet again, (CRAZY frustrating. Michelle helped find a secret shopper type of position, evaluating other employees. Great, until somebody figures me out. Heh.

We also met with NortheastDisabled Athletics, a local organization which works to create a multitude of opportunities, for folks with physicaldisabilities. I'm pretty interested in assisting their mission, as I believe in equal opportunities for all abilities!

Home again, home again!

Spent the past week at home, where I grew up, in Midcoast Maine. Most people know Maine as vacationland, and deservingly so, though not exactly the conditions I might expect on vacation. Waldoboro, my hometown, is on an inlet of the ocean, but there are no real proper ocean views. Most people know Waldoboro as a strip of gas stations, and Moody's diner on Rt. 1. The downtown area is pretty quaint, and you go there knowing you'll see people you know. We live around 8 miles out of town on a cut through Rd. My mom has a horse on the property, and I used to, growing up. Definitely one of the things I miss the most in my life now. I was incredibly fortunate to have worked with Windswept Farm in Williston, doing adaptive horseback riding lessons. Although, they were unable to volunteer their time and horsepower after the gentle Morgan I'd had lessons on died. I was thankful to see my moms horse, and desperately hope I'll have the opportunity to horse back ride in CO in August.

Mainly, I'd. Planned to spend time last week at home, to attend my 10 year High school reunion.

I can see! I can see!

I'm pleased to report that LASIK went extremely well, and my vision is incredible now! I feel so fortunate and extremely relieved to know that I will no longer need glasses or contacts! There is nothing worse than having your glasses consistently slide down your face, when you're outside in the summer. My glasses never stayed on my face, if I sweat at all. But, no longer!

Had my post-op appointment today, and was told everything looks great! There is a lot of redness in both eyes from a suction device they use to keep your eyes in place, and in the correct position. Getting that in place for me, was the worst part of the whole ordeal. When they put it on my eye, something pinched, causing me to jump and dislocating this eye intruder. I, of course began to cry, and then the surgeon says, "maybe we won't get this done today", which of course made me more upset. I bit my tongue while they tried 3 more times to get the suction into place. Once it was finally on, I had to track the laser around, above me, in a cylinder. That went on for probably 2 minutes, the red disappeared, and they said it was done. The other eye went much more smoothly, that time, and I was given paint-ball type goggles to wear, so I wouldn't rub my eyes. Apparently, everyone's initial results vary, but I was incredibly lucky for once, and could immediately see 20/25. My girl, Hillary was helping me out post-op, to assist with eye drop timing, and support as there was little information about what to expect. I was tired and irritable when I got back to my apartment. Although, completely overwhelmed with joy that I could see so well, without glasses!

The genius(es) who invented this procedure are my present heroes, because I no longer have to deal with a frame vision! I keep thinking, "I need to take my contacts out.". But really, my vision has been corrected to 20/30. I can read those tiny letters at the very bottom of the testing scale. I used to be able to see the E on top, and the next 2 lines, if I was lucky.

Because I remember the tremendous fear I woke up with everyday, that my vision was permanently gone, I an thankful beyond words that I was able to receive this opportunity to see well, and then, I got through the procedure with fantastic results. I am so overjoyed presently!

While this procedure will not correct my neurological vision issues, I still find it difficult to fathom that this is my vision now. I just feel so fortunate that all of this transpired in less than a month, and now I'm sitting here with vision, I never thought I'd have, without the assistance of glasses or contacts. Not only, am I so thrilled about my vision, but also about how quickly my family stepped to the plate to help me pay for this procedure. I am so thankful they have my back through this eternal ordeal, as my advancements in my recovery simply wouldn't be possible without them.

I

Nerves of steel (I need)

Well, my hope has been restored thanks to my amazing family. I called the laser surgeons office yesterday to book an appointment. I guess electing to have a surgeon reshape the cornea in my eye, with a laser is what I want, actually, I just want to be able to see without wearing glasses on my face, or getting corneal ulcers from contacts. The idea behind this surgery seems so revolutionary. All of my neurological doctors have not had a reason why I shouldn't have this procedure, which is an incredible relief!
There's always a potential for harm in some fashion, with everything we do, so I'm trying my best to keep in mind that chances of this surgery going wrong are probably similar to that of a plane crashing into my apartment. Do I ever worry that might happen, nope. Therefore, I'm trying not to worry that I could have a complication, or go blind (again). They just have to tell you those things, in case, to save their own behinds. Although, I certainly do not recall being warned that cardiac arrest was a potential side effect of Yaz. I felt pushed into that decision, because, what I'd asked for had apparently been taken off the market. I feel like I need to be so much more vigilant now, in terms of every medical decision I make for myself. I tried to use good judgement, but, I think that I probably put too much trust in others judgement, and not enough in my own. Acquiring a brain injury is an extremely crappy way to have to learn that lesson, I must say.

Nearly every doctor I've regularly seen since my injury has received calls from me, my family, and the laser surgeon. All I can do now, is hope for the best!

The trouble with hope...

It's usually my standard MO to not really get too excited about the prospect of fancy medical techniques or procedures, as I know .from experience, I'll fall. Hard if I don't get what I wanted or expected. Although, today, I had met my guard down, as I was overjoyed about the possibility of getting LASIK, the laser eye surgery. Done, as I despise glasses, and I can't feel my fingertips anymore, which means I am basically unable to wear contacts, as I can't put them in my eyes. Recently, I found an optometrist I liked, who told me of a laser eye surgeon she knew of, who was local, and might possibly work with me ad a charity case. I was warned it probably wouldn't be free, as there are unavoidable costs involving the laser, which they do not foot. I had a consultation on Wednesday, to see if I could be considered a candidate. I found out I could be, which was a great relief! But , only if my visual field testing showed that I had enough peripheral vision. Today, they got my tests from 2010, and said they weren't comfortable performing the surgery on me, as I had such a limited field of vision. I wondered aloud what year the records they were looking at, we're from.2008. It is an inexplicable miracle, how much my eyesight has improved since then. I looked at my tests last night, and the improvent isn't to perfect , but I now process what I see in most area of the eye. Before, I only saw from the upper right quadrant in both eyes. Today, I see pretty well, in both of the right quadrants, as well as the lower left. My left upper quadrant still not so much, but I'll take what I can get. Seeing those results made me do pleased, as it's proof my eyes are still improving! They called me back, while we're at the grocery store, to inform me that I was once again a candidate. Bug , also to discuss the cost of the procedure. Apparently, their normal charge is $3000 per eye. They offered me a 50% discount, which is quite generous, though still not anywhere within my price range, or what I'd imagined a "small percentage" might be. There's no denying that this would be a long term investment, but living on government funds doesn't exactly make payments possible. It is my goal to change my situation this year, but even do, I haven't been gainfully employed for almost 5 years, and incurring debt, even if I do see better just isn't financially justifiable. Additionally, I've heard from multiple sources, that this procedure is $1000 per eye in Canada. No, I won't have the vision I was hoping for this summer, on my adventures, but at least I now know I have this option when I can afford to make payments on it. And I thought I was doing so well by not getting my hopes up. When I received the first phone call that my vision wasn't good enough, I was upset, but I'd prepared myself for that possibility. And when I learned I was again, an eligible candidate, but the cost was so much more than what I'd assumed charity LASIK night be, I was furious. I got to be the sobbing idiot wandering around the grocery store, which makes me even angrier, because I can't contro my emotions. I was proud of myself for getting my shopping done, even though I was whimpering , and clinging to a wad of t.p. As I am just that classy.

I'll probably never learn to stick with my gut feelings, but, at the end of the day, I'm still an eligible candidate for LASIK, even if it's not as soon as I'd hoped. An the BEST new that my visual field is still improving!!

I don't know where to begin...

Most if the time I feel like my family are the only folks reading mg ramblings, though the numbers suggest otherwise, so here I am. I think this is my last week at CHIPS, whereI I interned, trying to make their space more accessible for kids with physical impairments. Last week I was feeling like a bit of a failure as both of my grant applications were rejected. The whole organization is going to be strapped for funding in the upcoming year, as there isn't much money going around this year, but it was still a bit of a smack in kthe face, to not get either one of the grants id written. Additionally, I was reeling from learning that they'd 'forgotten ' to follow through with me, in regards yo serving as a board member. Not the end of the world, but, it stung a a bit, for sure. I also was under the impression, I'd be looking for a new position, in which I wouldn't be a volunteer, but an employee. I don't really feel as though I have delusions of grandeur, in the realm of employment, but this program certainly makes me feel like I do, or it has in the past. CHIPs felt like an incredible opportunity because the organization puts in more than 100% everyday, as they believe in their purpose and mission. I really needed the active reminder that passion for a cause does still exist, even in the face of difficulty.. I think if I could create a position for myself right now, I'd want a position where I could somehow infuse passion and belief into the army of folks who collect government funds, and somehow get people to realize that if you fall, you get up, and carry on, and not by depend on booze or drugs to take you away from your pain. Only you have the power to change your life.

Not long after I obtained this charming injury, I realized the more I pushed myself, the easier things became. I've been told at some point, by most of my doctors that this is my life now, and I need to accept it. If I had done that, I'd probably be overweight in my bed all day long. I've learned I have to trust my gut, and fight for what I think I need, until I get it, someone makes me realize I'm being unreasonable. Before my injury I never had to really fight to get things I needed or wanted . But government funding is an entirely different ball game, and if I don't believe in myself, no one else will either. At this point , I've realized the more I do, the more I'm able to do/get done. Also, create awareness, I'm still nervous/anxious around new groups of people, but I'm slowly learning to use my injury as an ice breaker. Depending on my dose of audacity, and who I think I'm talking I'm talking to, depends on how much detail I give them. I wish I could say the same thing every time, but, I tried that, and peoples reactions, varied so greatly, I couldn't deal with it. So, I tried gauging the situation first, and then creating my response.

Last Friday, I was at the track, running away from myself, basically, as it calms my nerves, makes me more patient with other, and footed anxiety, well I think it does. I know when I've been running consistently, because I handle on favorable situations much more calmly, and think through a situation, as opposed to being reactionary. Yup, I need to run!
While I'm ambling along, I try to smile, or say hi to others who are there. That day a group of 4 college kids came , and ran around me on the track. I'd seen them before, but was focused on getting my work out done. My childhood nickname of Sloth, now could not be more appropriate, as they did 2 laps, for my one. On my last lap, I saw them crossing the field towards me, which surprised me. The guy, who seemed to be the group leader, said hello to me and then says, "I just want to tell you, that you're amazing. My dads a neurologist, so I know hard is, for you to come out here and do what you do. You're here whenever I am, and I think that is so amazing. And, what did I do, I cried. That's definitely not the first time someone's told me that, but he did it such, a genuine, heartfelt way, it made me cry like a baby. I hate it when people cry when they get a compliment. It's such a confusing response. All I could say, was, "thank you, and I'm sorry, but I can't help it.". I just got so overwhelmed by this kid, and his friends approaching me to basically pay me respect. It made me realize that, when I go out, I usually have my guard up. But, for whatever reason, I feel safe at the track, and just comfortable. So, he definitely caught me off guard, and I started crying, because I couldn't find the words to express my appreciation for his respect. It. Was such a beautiful moment for me, probably because I felt like he might have an inkling about my daily struggles, and how hard I work to try not to focus on life's trivialities. I'm the first to admit I still do, though, I seriously hope thats the first step in getting rid of such useless thoughts.

I was lost for a brief moment, in euphoria, until I realized what time it was. I had a .w1230 ride scheduled with SSTA, and they have new policy where they can come 20 minutes before or after the scheduled time. They usually come early, like before I'm ready, but it's a crappy policy either way. They weren't there at 1245, when CHIPS called to say they had yo go without me. I was pretty upset to have missed the final staff hurrah, but, such is life. I just went home, and got more amazing news. My new eye doctor is incredible! She thinks outside the box, and had asked me if I'd be open to LASIK. I'd said yes, but that I hadn't considered having it done because I can't afford it. Friday, I received an email saying that she'd found a doctor who was willing go do the surgery for me, as a charity case. When she suggested it, I never actually thought it might be a possibility for me. I don't want to get my hopes up, but wouldn't the gift of clear vision, be the most INCREDIBLE occurrence! I don't want to gather my hopes too high, as it seems like there could be a neurological reason, as to why I shouldn't do it, but let's hope not!

Burn-out

Well here I am, mid-may, with a nice list of accomplishments/ things to look forward to, though , also feeling like a big fat failure of life at the moment(if you read this and feel compelled to tell me I'm not a failure, please fight that urge, as I assimilate that kind of condolence with weakness, so it just makes me angry, thank you!). When it rains , it pours and I find it doubtful things will let up any time soon. Whether it be small things, like being verbally harassed by people, or having a day of uncontrollable twitchiness, society hasn't helped. Or having to repeat the headache of finding another roommate/ live-in aide., and dealing with the unnecessary stresses of government programs. I always feel like I'm walking on egg-shells, because just when you feel like you can take deep breathe, some kind of monster tears its ugly head. 2 weeks ago I received a letter stating that they didn't have the requested information on my current roommate. She submitted that in February, and I asked her to straighten things out with them. She did, and apparently was informed they had made a mistake. Shocking, but I was a little upset I'd received a letter suggesting I'd lose section 8 funding and promptly be evicted, if I failed to provide this information. So comforting. I really despise being treated as though I'm a parasite on society by these programs. They're in place to help people who are otherwise unable to provide for themselves. Because some people create a lifestyle from these programs, doesn't mean that everyone does. I am so disgusted by the fact that our society is so consumed by assumptions. We all do it, whether or not we realize it, it's part of being human, but now that I live on a different end of the spectrum, it's much more apparent to me now, as I encounter these situations on an almost daily basis. Take yesterday for example, I was at the Y, in the gym on the weight manes, when I noticed a man of curious appearance approaching women and professing his eternal love for them, while mentioning his love for his mother repeatedly. I was extremely thankful to not be approached, when I saw him leave. Or do I thought. I went to the lobby to leave, and there he was waiting by the door. He repeated the same school for me and I responded that's nice, but I need to go, and walked out the door. It didn't end there, as he jumped up and followed me declaring he lived on the street the y is on. He carried about the many blessed qualities of his mother, again. When I reached the bus stop, he pointed out his apartment. When I suggested he go there, I got the whole whhhhy don't you like me charade. This oddity continued for about 10 minutes, until he asked if I had a boyfriend. St that point, I'd had enough , told him he was making me uncomfortable and he needed to leave. To be honest I had no idea if he'd respond go my request, but he said he'd always love me, and left, and then the bus came. I got on, relieved to be out of that situation , but very much on edge. The bus I was on, brought me to the hospital, where I had to switch buses to get home. When I got there, I realized my bus had departed 2 minutes prior to our arrival, and wouldn't come again for an hour. I've had this happen before, and gone down to the library, or called a cab. But the idea of getting in a car with someone I didn't know, was terrifying, even if it was their occupation. I called some friends, and was so grateful when my friend Stacie said they could come get me. I really feel like I'm taking advantage of friends when I ask them for rides, which is why I don't like to do it. But I seriously could not have been more relieved to have them with me, as I went home to my empty apartment. I've been realizing a lot lately that I make friends easily, but unintentionally push them away, because I'm afraid to ask for help, or don't want to share my story, or what I perceive as my week messes. I've had to relearn that we all have weaknesses, as everyone has a different story, and circumstances. I'm always beating myself up because I feel like I've been slow with fully regaining my consciousness, but then someone else out in the world freaks me out, and I walk away shaken., but that's all, and always having learned something new about myself. Not to assume that I can rescue myself from every unfavorable situation I find myself in. As Jason and Stacie say, "that's what friends are for."
You always think other people have more favorable situations than you do, but the truth is, were all struggling with something. Just because I'm feeling like a failure of life in this moment, doesn't mean I am one. Every day is a new day, right!?

VCMarathon?

On Saturday, I was texting a friend I knew was running in the marathon, despite not having time to train, and wishing her luck, when she asked if I wanted to run with her. I replied only if she could get me a bib, thinking she. Probably just wanted company, but Not wanting to stick out for not having a race bib. I already knew 'strollers ' weren't allowed, and didn't want to be part of the mess as a crazy tagging along with no baby in her jogger. Turns Luther friend wasn't participating, and she had a bib I could wear. I took a cab to the start line, and I almost always ride with green cab, so, by now they know my deal, and treat me well. My driver was so excited for me, when I told her I was going to try to run it. I think I got my first ever, and probably only free cab ride because she was so excited for me. That was an amazing start to my day, and some of my fears washed away. And then, I stood at the top of Depot St. Where the race begins, and waited. And called my friend, and waited. Then began freaking out, I'd be running alone, or have wasted time and money if she didn't show. Then, she appeared, at the top of Depot St. Because I'm always the one whose late for everything, I'm not used to being early, and waiting for people. I was soo relieved when I saw her coming up the hill.
She put my bib on me, which said, "BRING THE HEAT" which made me so happy, as I'd figured it would say the gals name whose bib it was. It was absolutely amazing the supporters were. One of the most ridiculous moments was right of the bat, when one of the radio djs spotted my jogger, and says'oh my god, there's no baby, Ma'am you've lost your baby. After ayesr using this thing, I'm kind of used to that kind of camaraderie. I did my typical cake look of shock, towards the stand, mouthing 'oh no' and then turned around, somewhat embarrassed. That made it extremely real. For me.

Getting underway takes somewhat of an eternity in large races, at least when you're in the back, which I always am. It was a great tour of Burlington, marathons must be a great way to learn a new city! We went up in the more east part of the city first, doing our first shortcut, thanks to Burlington PD, who tools us where to meet up with the pack. We then ran up Church St, and headed to the Old North End, to run up and down the belt-line, which was the part of the race I was looking forward to, as it's smooth, and there are no potential jogger hazards. However, I'd previously thought the belt line was flat. It's not, so Ran down, about 2 miles, and stem stealthily turned around, well before the actual turn around. I was reluctant to do that, but the idea of 127 being opened to traffic was relatively terrifying. After 127, we ran back down curch st. Where I shocked myself, and I'm sure countless others, by the number of people who yelled my name as I ran by. The support was incredible, and the spectators made my day. One of my favorite parts was reading the signs, people made. We agreed, "Run like you stole something" was our favorite, but,it made the marathon far more entertaining. The houses with folks spraying with a hose, was pretty spectacular too. Running down Pine St. Was fantastic too. The marathon also takes you down the bike path along the lake. It was hard talking myself out of taking a siesta on the beach, as we went by. I felt guilty taking up so much space on the bike path, as runners weaves around me. People were largely accommodating, but it didn't quell my annoyance with it. Toward the beginning, we'd been going down Main St. were an older woman, straight up called me out about the fact that strollers are illegal in the marathon. Here demeanor was such that I wasn't willing to contain my sharpness, "Notice there's no baby, this is an adaptive device because I have a brain injury". Not sure if she understood everything I said, but she took off, and I was happy not to run by her again. I didn't go expecting people to accommodate me, as I'm obviously not competitive, but I wasn't about to let people step on me either. Aside from that one interaction, I still can't get over how accommodating other runners were, cheering me on as they passed. This mentality is one of the biggest reasons I work so hard to run. I'm obviously not a neurologist, but I'd place money on running triggering something in the brain, that takes people down a notch, in terms of being so strung out. Suppose that would be the runners high.
We ran up to the high school, immediately turning in, and not heading up on course. I really wanted to, as I was really enjoying running in the middle of the road, though, my energy level was clearly dwindling. Minor victory in that I recognized that, as I'm not always aware I'm crashing, until it's too late. We hit the bike path in the thick of the masses, again. Getting back on the path wasn't too difficult though, as there was a water station right there, and people were slowed, or standing. If I'd been your average runner, I would've loved the bike path, for the amazing view, well as the occasional breeze. As we scrambled to cross the finish line, people were so enthusiastic. I, of course, tripped on one of the sensor blocks, falling in front of throngs of people. Miraculously, it may have been the only fall I took, though, not only was it horrendously embarrassing to fall at the finish, bût, I also cut myself, so I had a very dramatic finish. That is, apparently, my lot in life. Pretty sure I had a similar fall at Beach to Beacon last year, so smooth.
Après 'marathon' activities included a trip to the medic tent, pizza, and ice cream, which, for me are beyond unappealing, after pushing my body so hard. There was also a beer tent, but I couldn't go near it. I was lucky to hold the pizza down. I don't know how people hold these foods down, after depleting themselves so fully. When I started running, at age 12, I quickly made a name for myself as the girl who puked mid run. Extremely attractive race behavior. Thank god, I haven't done that in years, but, it's still a vivid memory for me.
After food, came massages for the runners. This is, without a doubt, the most ingenious plan race planners have ever come up with. Helps loosen up the muscles, and feels wonderful. I wish my muscles felt that relaxed today, but what can you do?
A huge thank you to the runners, Ann in particular, who suffered through feeding me, while moving, and discarding objects in my path I couldn't get around, crowd control. and morale. It couldn't have been a better race day if we'd planned it.

Walk for Thought?

So, today was the Brain Injury associations annual fundraising walk. I was extremely well intentioned with it, but am quite certain I dropped the ball in a few ways, and having this awareness of the things I should've prepared for my team, and having done no fundraising, was like icing on the failure cake for me. I was also well aware that most of my close friends from UVM were at a wedding, reliving our amazing, without a care in the world, years of college. I didn't expect to get an invite, but I have to say the ugly green jealousy monster-appeared in my head. I knew I should be focused on the walk, and it's festivities, but I just kept getting so nostalgic for old friends. I have more people in my life now, who genuinely care about my well-being, then I have in the past 3 yrs, and somehow, I'm feeling more alone, and more isolated than ever. I think the difference is, that I used to prefer my independence, whereas now. I've come to terms with who I am, but because I've hidden away, I no longer feel like I still have those old supports. My goal for this week, is to try to begin mending old friendships. On second thought that seems terrifying. I am such a baby, and need to get over myself, and find out whose still around.
When I got back, I decided it was too hot to garden, like I'd planned, so just as I started moping, my phone rang. I was genuinely, and pleasantly surprised to see it was my step-dad Marty calling. He's not a caller, as he usually has a wicked hard time understanding my voice. He asks what I'm up to. The wording of this statement leads me to believe he's nearby. Turns out, he's been gambling with Pat Flynn, and wants me to come to camp with the Flynns. We all go, and have a wonderful time, but it was a bit weird, as well for me, as my last memory from camp is from way back when, and Sean was around, helping me participate in the redneck activities of choice, like shooting a bb gun, and taking the 4 wheeler for a spin. And so there I was, surrounded by loving, bright people, and yet I just felt so alone. On the bright side, the company was enjoyable, and the bonfire, magical. Having a bit of my family nearby, was pleasantly grounding.

Working with youth conference

I started my Thursday, at the unappealing hour of 6. I knew I had to be out the door, and dressed like a real person, at 745. I move so profoundly slowly in the morning, I knew I would need a lot of time. I got dressed, and went to the kitchen for a pre-breakfast. My roommate was up too, and says, "good morning, and just so you know, your shirt is on backwards, and your fly is unzipped." I fixed my clothes, and by then my ride was there. But, I was extremely thankful, she'd been there in that moment.
I was definitely nervous arriving, as this was not my usual circle of people, and I had no idea what to expect, nor, who would be there. It turned out that CHIPS entire staff was there, and I met so many wonderful people there. It felt like such a relief to be a part of something vocationally related, that was not about my brain injury. I was impressed by the keynote speaker Bobby ------- , the author of "Its not just who you know.". He spoke about his childhood, and never being made to feel like he could succeed in a intellectual career. He was willing to step outside of his comfort zone, and has achieved the most incredible successes. Definitely one of the most engaging speakers, I've ever seen. I know that I was hanging on every word, which is pretty rare for me. I often find it difficult to focus and pay attention after a certain point, always have. After , we adjoined, I went to what I thought was my first workshop, although, as soon as it started, I realized it was not, but felt rude leaving, as I had already introduced myself. It was a Q&A with the keynote speaker. I was pleased to hear more of his story, but that work shop adjourned early, so he could make his flight home. Not really having anywhere to be for an hour, I walked around for a bit, before settling down for lunch, where some of CHIPS staff doing a presentation on the recent unwashed weekend, they'd worked with MTV to put on. I wasn't part of that, at all, but was really proud to be a part of the organization. They did a great job with the presentation. Although, people kept asking me about it for the rest of the day, as my name tag, clearly stated what organization I was with.

After lunch, I had chosen a double session workshop, about group facilitation. This group was so light-hearted, and open, despite the fact that I move like a troll, and have dysarthria in my voice. It was so refreshing! I rarely feel at ease in professional settings, so this was really wonderful. By the time I got home, I was so drained. Really made me realize I don't socially interact enough. I've gotten so much better, but it shouldn't be so tiring for me. Yuck, soo much to work on. Though, such an amazing feeling to feel like I'm helping make a positive contribution, I just need my grants come through!

Full speed ahead!

My day began far too early for my normal standards. I got up at 630, out on real clothes, abridged my hair! Hillary was at the door,promptly at 730, and for once in my life, iras ready and waiting. Breakfast is somewhat of a motivator for me, I will admit. Somehow, I'd gotten Hillary to agree to accompany me to an awards breakfast for Burlington Partnership for a drug free community. When I lived with the Flynns, Kathy would drag me out of bed at 530 and drag me along. Funny how things change.
Unfortunately for me, I had another appointment at 830, so I missed the actual awards, but heard Mariah's opening remarks, as well as Burlington's new mayors, endorsement of this program, and all the steps their taking to have advertising of substance abusing products be removed from stores. Not being a user of either, I don't end to see advertising that I don't feel pertains to me. Though, I'm sure this has an enormous effect on young, impressionable students. I thought it was a very positive step in the right direction, and hope that one day, all convenience stores will follow suit, despite the fact, it will likely cause decreased profits.
Next, Burlington's new mayor addressed the group, endorsing the groups work towards positive change. The new mayor is young, attractive, and appears to be forward thinking and confident about bringing positive change to Burlington. It's a refreshing change, I'm happy to see Burlington become more progressive.
Sadly, as awards began, I had to leave for a standing appointment at 830. Often, being up for that is a challenge, on it's own. I think because I was excited to have breakfast plans, it was no problem. I said my goodbyes, running into the Flynn, extended family on the way out. I then saw the rehab. Psychologist, I'm supposed to see weekly, to help me cope with life now, or something. I would much rather have a standing PT appointment each week, but the state feels people in rehab. should share their feelings, which I just don't seem to able to do well. After, I had a booked a ride to the track at UVM. By this point it was cold, rainy, and one to ing outside. I used to love to run in the rain. The jogger, makes it too unsafe, so I haven't been in years. I went, and ran 6 miles, and was so happy, every step I took!
I took the bus home, and ate anything I had, and took a nap, before going back downtown to a walk for thought planning meeting. The fundraiser event, for the brain injury association VT, is this week. I feel like a bit of a failure, as I formed a team, but did no fundraising, because the website never let's me login, and I give up. Yay technology. Oh well, should be a good event, and hopefully promote awareness.

Change?

I spent a good portion of my day today, revamping this blog. Something I've wanted to do for a while, though, not having a computer with a visible screen made it somewhat difficult in recent months. Also, not being willing to put aside enough time to stare at the computer screen all day long. It's not very difficult for the average viewer, but it takes my brain longer to realize exactly what it's looking at. So much for a decent reaction time. At lest I can see at all. It seems so strange to look back over the last 5! years, well almost. But it sure feels like more of an eternity, at this point. I suppose today's post is more of a pondering, than me writing about of the ridiculous situations life seems to present me with.
One of my co-workers at CHIPS recently sent out a link to a website losing 15 things we should ALL work on giving up. I love the staff at CHIPS for do many reasons, but having the reassurance to share a piece like this in your community of coworkers is well The bomb. The link is:
http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/
I hope you guys check out this link. It's a quick list, but profoundly lists my least favorite tendencies of people, in general, ad (I hope) helps us to consider ways to work on our major negative tendencies.
I know for myself personally, giving up resistance to change really hit home for me. Obviously perfection is a scale many of us prefer to hold ourselves too, but at some point, hopefully, it becomes relatively clear, it's an IMPOSSIBLE standard, as we all have a different definition. If I lived in a perfect world, then my heart wouldn't have stopped, and I would have spent the last 41/2 years chomping at the bit, in brain injury rehab, refusing to recognize my cognitive disabilities. Though I also wouldn't have had the opportunity to show myself, and others, you can do anything (within reason) you set your mind to. Its like it says in that link. "The mind is a powerful tool, when used properly."

Sneaky shenanigans...

I was ready to try and find my turn for what I consider to be a fairly standard week, for myself anyways. I worked, or went to my internship on Monday, came home and met up with some girlfriends I knew from the dorms at UVM. Back in the day... It was so wonderful to reconnect with that group. group of ladies! We all hung out for a bit, deliberating over how to make blue soup, to commemorate that evenings movie, Bridget Jones Diary. A blueberry sauce was created, in lieu of soup, as there was flan. Not quite a blue string soup, though much more appetizing. It was a fun, comfortable way for me to socialize with old friends. I was so happy to just hang out and not feel like I was on the spot to talk about my strange and unusual tales of my life presently. Tuesday, I met with sisstive technology, an appointment Michelle, my job coordinator has been trying for 6 months to get for me, to make the most of the iPad. Although late, she had an evident passion for working in that capacity. Her enthusiasm and vigor about each tool of toy in the office was contagious. We were there for 3 hours, asking, 'what's this?' about nearly every gadget. Did you know that there a tool to help someone without the use of their hands, write with their toes? So cool what people figure out, out of necessity. That night, my cold was disgusting, but I attended the walk forethought planning meeting, guiltily trying not spread my germs. Were meeting every week now, as the walk is in 2 weeks. Yikes. Wednesday, I convinced Deb, my case manager, to drop me off at the track, after our morning meeting. Hillary collected me, and we zipped over to small dog, the apple store, to thoroughly confuse them with a ridiculous list of what each of us wanted done to 3 computers. I sadly parted ways with my black MacBook, which got in 2007 as a graduation present. It needed to be replaced last year, but I've been getting by on the iPad. Because Hillary had to replace her computer from a recent car accident, we had the old one checked out, and it was still getting by. I was the fortunate recipient of the old machine. I'm feeling technologically savvy now that all of my I devices talk to my computer. It's a whole new world. She just updated my life by 3 years. So amazing!! Technology moves so fast these days. That evening, CHIPS, where I'm interning, held a small awards banquet. I didn't really want to go alone, but the people I'd asked, had other obligations. I got out of the car, and there's my dad. Such a fun surprise! I never know what to expect anymore. We hung oût and mingled briefly before everything began. I sat down choking away on cheese and suddenly to realize I was being introduced first, even though my name was last on the list. I stood up in front of the crowd still chewing. So impressionable. I was so excited to be recognized as a staff member! Even though my position is basically volunteer. All of the programs CHIPS dabbles in were individually recognized for their work. It was so inspirational to watch short feature movies touting CHIpS programs, all made by high-school students. We then launched into awards. Staff aren't eligible, and even though, I receive $4.50/hr. from the state, I consider myself an employee. Though, because the state pays me, I think of myself as an employee, as I'm being reimbursed, even if slightly, fir my time. Anyways, I received 'giraffe' award for sticking my neck out for the organization. Such a fun, inspirational group if people there, I certainly didn't feel like I was all that deserving, but am obviously pleased to take what I can get, or earn. We all, literally had our cake. I am not one to turn down double chocolate fudge cake. I literally inhaled it, as I hadn't had a chance to eat dinner. The cake did an excellent job with subsiding those pesky hunger pangs. To remedy my not having eaten dinner, Dad and I went to Al's for quick burgers. Soon as I walked into my apartment, I fell into bed. A looong, though excellent day!< Thursdays, Hillary and I work out seriously. She picks me up at 8, and all 3 of us went to start the day with yoga. Dad then treated us to breakfast at a Greek diner. I gobbled up my French Toast, as if I hadn't eaten in days. I had planned to check out a job fair, a mental health and human services non profit called the Howard Center. The agency itself us an amazing enterprise, and I have connections, through friends there. Although, I found zero positions I was either interested or qualified for. Disappointing, though I was glad I went for the experience and exposure. As we were leaving, Small Dog, the Mac store called to tell me my computer was ready. Dad met us there. He's slowly coming to the light side. Hillary registered for user courses, which made me think that would be good idea, as I've live in my private black hole for almost 5 years now, it's not an option presently. Nor, am I struggling with my computer, my new computer (not yet anyways). Someday, I'll figure it all out...
After, we hit the track so I could run. We did 3, and zipped over to power yoga. I was pretty well spent by then, electing not to participate in many of the standing poses. As soon as the class ended, we parted ways, and I tried to take my dad to the tacoria, as I went to last week, but the wait was absurd. We had burritos instead. After dinner, we returned, and spent half the night playing with our new toys. I received an unexpected present of an iHome to play music from the iPad or phone. Oh the wonder of technology. I'm so pleased everything syncs now! Big deal for me! I will at last, no longer have to endure the endless tirade my psychologist likes to put on. I've easily spent about 35% of my appointments listening to the paramount reasons apple technology can 'save' my life, and how I need to update my technology. I finally have been able to, so a huge thank you to Hillary, for her charitable donation!

Weekend Strangeness...

I must say there are certain details bout living in a monstrous apartment complex, that are not enviable. Actually, I have a plethora of them, though, today I'm only focusing on one. Which is what I refer to as the curiosity factor, among other things. This is my 3rd year living in this apartment complex apartment. In that time, I've realized that the majority of my 'neighbors' know exactly which apartment is mine. It's a little weird , but I'm not exactly concerned.
A little over a year ago, I was awkwardly shlepping some groceries back to my building, when someone Offered to carry My groceries for me. I begtudginly let him take them, although I was in my typical independent mode, where I wanted to do things for myself, and, therefore, was less than pleased some man had literally taken my groceries out of my hands. I shiftily answered his questions, as we walked, and, was less than pleased to make him aware of which apartment was mine. Didn't think there was any reason to worry, but. Still. Over the next several month he would occasionally drop by to say hello, invite me to eat with him and His friend. He took care of. I was never able to join him, nor did I particularly want to. Eventually he dropped by to say that he was moving, and I assumed that would be the end of our interaction.

Nope. 2 weeks ago, while my mom and dad were visiting, he drops by to say hello. I was rather surprised to see him in the first place, and in my effort to get him to leave, I caved, and accepted a lunch invitation. Let's just say, it's pretty awkward when you agree To meet someone, and have forgotten when they come to meet you. I'm at home parading about in my running spandex, scavenging for food when I hear a Knock at the door. When I opened the door, I was relatively surprised to see him there. I felt very rude admitting I'd forgotten I'd agreed to lunch. I quickly put on real pants. We went to this bar/restaurant in Mallets Bay. The conversation was your classic getting to know you type. About 2 sentences, after I heard about his grandchildren, he mentioned dating. I literally started choking, and pounding on my chest to reopen the airway. At that moment I profusely wished I wasn't so nieve. Not once, had it occurred to me, a Sunday lunch invitation could be a date. I immediately explained that I currently had no interest in dating him or anyone really, as I needed to focus on my rehab, hoping I'd dodged the bullet. Nope. He replies, "well as soon as you're ready, I hope you'll let me know." I immediately changed the conversation. Without a doubt, one of the most awkward situations I've ever found myself in. And I've already had more than my share, I say. He was very polite, and annoyingly chivalrous the entire time. I'm always fighting this crazy urge I have to kick people who demand to do everything for me. So there I am, on what I didn't intended to be a date, and I've basically just shot this guy down, though he's responded understandingly. He asks to take my arm as I take a step down, out of the building, and I begrudgingly allow it. No sooner have we stepped outside, the 2 men by the door, seize the opportunity to proclaim how sweet it is to see us together. I was overwhelmed by a need to vomit, and respond rudely, so I shot him a nasty look and bit my tongue. We got into the car and even though I wanted to go home, I found myself agreeing to walk down to North Beach. So awkward, and ridiculous, I was curious as to why you'd suggest another activity, after being shot down, but this was on me, since I'd agreed to go there. I'm sure any woman reading this, thinks I'm a moron for going to another place, buy I never felt vulnerable, just apprehensive and slightly angry about being so unassuming. I got home, and immediately ran away from my thoughts and confusion at the track.