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Sunday, June 10, 2012

I don't know where to begin...

Most if the time I feel like my family are the only folks reading mg ramblings, though the numbers suggest otherwise, so here I am. I think this is my last week at CHIPS, whereI I interned, trying to make their space more accessible for kids with physical impairments. Last week I was feeling like a bit of a failure as both of my grant applications were rejected. The whole organization is going to be strapped for funding in the upcoming year, as there isn't much money going around this year, but it was still a bit of a smack in kthe face, to not get either one of the grants id written. Additionally, I was reeling from learning that they'd 'forgotten ' to follow through with me, in regards yo serving as a board member. Not the end of the world, but, it stung a a bit, for sure. I also was under the impression, I'd be looking for a new position, in which I wouldn't be a volunteer, but an employee. I don't really feel as though I have delusions of grandeur, in the realm of employment, but this program certainly makes me feel like I do, or it has in the past. CHIPs felt like an incredible opportunity because the organization puts in more than 100% everyday, as they believe in their purpose and mission. I really needed the active reminder that passion for a cause does still exist, even in the face of difficulty.. I think if I could create a position for myself right now, I'd want a position where I could somehow infuse passion and belief into the army of folks who collect government funds, and somehow get people to realize that if you fall, you get up, and carry on, and not by depend on booze or drugs to take you away from your pain. Only you have the power to change your life.

Not long after I obtained this charming injury, I realized the more I pushed myself, the easier things became. I've been told at some point, by most of my doctors that this is my life now, and I need to accept it. If I had done that, I'd probably be overweight in my bed all day long. I've learned I have to trust my gut, and fight for what I think I need, until I get it, someone makes me realize I'm being unreasonable. Before my injury I never had to really fight to get things I needed or wanted . But government funding is an entirely different ball game, and if I don't believe in myself, no one else will either. At this point , I've realized the more I do, the more I'm able to do/get done. Also, create awareness, I'm still nervous/anxious around new groups of people, but I'm slowly learning to use my injury as an ice breaker. Depending on my dose of audacity, and who I think I'm talking I'm talking to, depends on how much detail I give them. I wish I could say the same thing every time, but, I tried that, and peoples reactions, varied so greatly, I couldn't deal with it. So, I tried gauging the situation first, and then creating my response.

Last Friday, I was at the track, running away from myself, basically, as it calms my nerves, makes me more patient with other, and footed anxiety, well I think it does. I know when I've been running consistently, because I handle on favorable situations much more calmly, and think through a situation, as opposed to being reactionary. Yup, I need to run!
While I'm ambling along, I try to smile, or say hi to others who are there. That day a group of 4 college kids came , and ran around me on the track. I'd seen them before, but was focused on getting my work out done. My childhood nickname of Sloth, now could not be more appropriate, as they did 2 laps, for my one. On my last lap, I saw them crossing the field towards me, which surprised me. The guy, who seemed to be the group leader, said hello to me and then says, "I just want to tell you, that you're amazing. My dads a neurologist, so I know hard is, for you to come out here and do what you do. You're here whenever I am, and I think that is so amazing. And, what did I do, I cried. That's definitely not the first time someone's told me that, but he did it such, a genuine, heartfelt way, it made me cry like a baby. I hate it when people cry when they get a compliment. It's such a confusing response. All I could say, was, "thank you, and I'm sorry, but I can't help it.". I just got so overwhelmed by this kid, and his friends approaching me to basically pay me respect. It made me realize that, when I go out, I usually have my guard up. But, for whatever reason, I feel safe at the track, and just comfortable. So, he definitely caught me off guard, and I started crying, because I couldn't find the words to express my appreciation for his respect. It. Was such a beautiful moment for me, probably because I felt like he might have an inkling about my daily struggles, and how hard I work to try not to focus on life's trivialities. I'm the first to admit I still do, though, I seriously hope thats the first step in getting rid of such useless thoughts.

I was lost for a brief moment, in euphoria, until I realized what time it was. I had a .w1230 ride scheduled with SSTA, and they have new policy where they can come 20 minutes before or after the scheduled time. They usually come early, like before I'm ready, but it's a crappy policy either way. They weren't there at 1245, when CHIPS called to say they had yo go without me. I was pretty upset to have missed the final staff hurrah, but, such is life. I just went home, and got more amazing news. My new eye doctor is incredible! She thinks outside the box, and had asked me if I'd be open to LASIK. I'd said yes, but that I hadn't considered having it done because I can't afford it. Friday, I received an email saying that she'd found a doctor who was willing go do the surgery for me, as a charity case. When she suggested it, I never actually thought it might be a possibility for me. I don't want to get my hopes up, but wouldn't the gift of clear vision, be the most INCREDIBLE occurrence! I don't want to gather my hopes too high, as it seems like there could be a neurological reason, as to why I shouldn't do it, but let's hope not!


Ash Boyes said...

Proud!!! Yay!!!

Dad said...

I can't always find words to say after I read your blog!
I Love You! :)

Julie/Mom said...

As I read the part about your track experience I started to cry too. You come by it honestly,unfortunately but it shows you have true happy he said that to you!.
Re: the lasik your Mom I just have to say....please research this Dr. and his credentials and experience. If he botches the job, there's no going back. Best of luck to you certainly deserve it!