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Thursday, June 7, 2012

Burn-out

Well here I am, mid-may, with a nice list of accomplishments/ things to look forward to, though , also feeling like a big fat failure of life at the moment(if you read this and feel compelled to tell me I'm not a failure, please fight that urge, as I assimilate that kind of condolence with weakness, so it just makes me angry, thank you!). When it rains , it pours and I find it doubtful things will let up any time soon. Whether it be small things, like being verbally harassed by people, or having a day of uncontrollable twitchiness, society hasn't helped. Or having to repeat the headache of finding another roommate/ live-in aide., and dealing with the unnecessary stresses of government programs. I always feel like I'm walking on egg-shells, because just when you feel like you can take deep breathe, some kind of monster tears its ugly head. 2 weeks ago I received a letter stating that they didn't have the requested information on my current roommate. She submitted that in February, and I asked her to straighten things out with them. She did, and apparently was informed they had made a mistake. Shocking, but I was a little upset I'd received a letter suggesting I'd lose section 8 funding and promptly be evicted, if I failed to provide this information. So comforting. I really despise being treated as though I'm a parasite on society by these programs. They're in place to help people who are otherwise unable to provide for themselves. Because some people create a lifestyle from these programs, doesn't mean that everyone does. I am so disgusted by the fact that our society is so consumed by assumptions. We all do it, whether or not we realize it, it's part of being human, but now that I live on a different end of the spectrum, it's much more apparent to me now, as I encounter these situations on an almost daily basis. Take yesterday for example, I was at the Y, in the gym on the weight manes, when I noticed a man of curious appearance approaching women and professing his eternal love for them, while mentioning his love for his mother repeatedly. I was extremely thankful to not be approached, when I saw him leave. Or do I thought. I went to the lobby to leave, and there he was waiting by the door. He repeated the same school for me and I responded that's nice, but I need to go, and walked out the door. It didn't end there, as he jumped up and followed me declaring he lived on the street the y is on. He carried about the many blessed qualities of his mother, again. When I reached the bus stop, he pointed out his apartment. When I suggested he go there, I got the whole whhhhy don't you like me charade. This oddity continued for about 10 minutes, until he asked if I had a boyfriend. St that point, I'd had enough , told him he was making me uncomfortable and he needed to leave. To be honest I had no idea if he'd respond go my request, but he said he'd always love me, and left, and then the bus came. I got on, relieved to be out of that situation , but very much on edge. The bus I was on, brought me to the hospital, where I had to switch buses to get home. When I got there, I realized my bus had departed 2 minutes prior to our arrival, and wouldn't come again for an hour. I've had this happen before, and gone down to the library, or called a cab. But the idea of getting in a car with someone I didn't know, was terrifying, even if it was their occupation. I called some friends, and was so grateful when my friend Stacie said they could come get me. I really feel like I'm taking advantage of friends when I ask them for rides, which is why I don't like to do it. But I seriously could not have been more relieved to have them with me, as I went home to my empty apartment. I've been realizing a lot lately that I make friends easily, but unintentionally push them away, because I'm afraid to ask for help, or don't want to share my story, or what I perceive as my week messes. I've had to relearn that we all have weaknesses, as everyone has a different story, and circumstances. I'm always beating myself up because I feel like I've been slow with fully regaining my consciousness, but then someone else out in the world freaks me out, and I walk away shaken., but that's all, and always having learned something new about myself. Not to assume that I can rescue myself from every unfavorable situation I find myself in. As Jason and Stacie say, "that's what friends are for."
You always think other people have more favorable situations than you do, but the truth is, were all struggling with something. Just because I'm feeling like a failure of life in this moment, doesn't mean I am one. Every day is a new day, right!?

3 comments:

Dad said...

Well said! "Everyday is a new day!" that is how it works for me...:) I'd tell the Y staff about your encounter.

Julie/Mom said...

I know that feeling of being afraid to ask too. It's a tough one. I agree with your Dad about speakinng to the Y. And here's to a new day!! Love you..

Marti said...

Your honesty is refreshing - even when life sucks.