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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Walk for Thought?

So, today was the Brain Injury associations annual fundraising walk. I was extremely well intentioned with it, but am quite certain I dropped the ball in a few ways, and having this awareness of the things I should've prepared for my team, and having done no fundraising, was like icing on the failure cake for me. I was also well aware that most of my close friends from UVM were at a wedding, reliving our amazing, without a care in the world, years of college. I didn't expect to get an invite, but I have to say the ugly green jealousy monster-appeared in my head. I knew I should be focused on the walk, and it's festivities, but I just kept getting so nostalgic for old friends. I have more people in my life now, who genuinely care about my well-being, then I have in the past 3 yrs, and somehow, I'm feeling more alone, and more isolated than ever. I think the difference is, that I used to prefer my independence, whereas now. I've come to terms with who I am, but because I've hidden away, I no longer feel like I still have those old supports. My goal for this week, is to try to begin mending old friendships. On second thought that seems terrifying. I am such a baby, and need to get over myself, and find out whose still around.
When I got back, I decided it was too hot to garden, like I'd planned, so just as I started moping, my phone rang. I was genuinely, and pleasantly surprised to see it was my step-dad Marty calling. He's not a caller, as he usually has a wicked hard time understanding my voice. He asks what I'm up to. The wording of this statement leads me to believe he's nearby. Turns out, he's been gambling with Pat Flynn, and wants me to come to camp with the Flynns. We all go, and have a wonderful time, but it was a bit weird, as well for me, as my last memory from camp is from way back when, and Sean was around, helping me participate in the redneck activities of choice, like shooting a bb gun, and taking the 4 wheeler for a spin. And so there I was, surrounded by loving, bright people, and yet I just felt so alone. On the bright side, the company was enjoyable, and the bonfire, magical. Having a bit of my family nearby, was pleasantly grounding.

2 comments:

DAD said...

HI there, When things turn blue, running will do... ha

Glad you went to camp!

Julie/Mom said...

I understand that "alone" feeling...it hits us at the most inopportune times. Shake it off and as your Dad says "run"....it does a world of good.
Glad you got up to camp. What a great place that is. Onto a more productive Memorial weekend!
Love you the most!
Mom