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Monday, January 30, 2012

Tyrannic Tuesday

Sometimes, ZI worry that people I believe I can trust, are back-handedly taking advantage of me. It's as though there's no actual evidence, it's just an alarming tone of voice, a sideways glance, at the wrong time. Right now, I feel as though, I live with my old mind, and a slightly warped one that deals with the plethora of ridiculous issues that arise in my life currently. Somewhat scary if you ask me. The 'me' I'm used to is very laid back, goes along with most anything, and avoids confrontation. I've always preferred to steer clear of confrontation, yet, more, and more these days I find myself face to face with someone, and digging my. Proverbial claws in. It's not a pleasant feeling by any means, and, yet here I am, standing up for what I think is right. Maybe it took a brain injury, of course I'd prefer to think not, but this is life now, and, as us usual, it's been a slow road to acceptance of that. Am I angry this happened to me? Duh, how could I not be? Though, have I not gained insight to the beauty of the human spirit? Am I not beyond grateful to have another chance? I have to tell myself, and believe in my ability to accomplish whatever I may set as my goal, because if you don't believe in yourself, who else will?
Today was a fantastic day for me. I grumpily raised myself from the dead to attend my 8:30 psychologist appointment, since I've met him, nothing has actually provoked me to want to share anything with him. I always have had this steadfast feeling that my life is like ant farm, where everything I do, how I act or respond or don't respond to things is being closely observed, and/or graded, on some level. Though, I could never maintain the mental wherewithal to speak up about injustice, ignorance, or even sloppiness that I observed. It's almost amusing, but, so. Very disheartening and infuriating, to observe, and even experience these woes, but also lack the understanding and ability to navigate social hierarchies as they apply here. Maybe that is why I'm writing more now, to flush or expunge my mind of the enormous load of rubbish it now carries around, or always has. and these are thoughts. That lay around unanswered in my head. Just had to toss a few out, in hopes that I won't always feel as if I'm drowning in my own sea of unanswered contemplations.

Forward march... I dragged my half asleep mind out the door at 745, which is an ungodly early hour for me. The transportation service I use, had to come early, apparently to pick. up, and drop off another client, in a similar geographic location. At this. Hour, in my day, tolerance doesn't exist. I usually just keep my mouth shut, to avoid being rude. I was fortunate this morning, that I'd been able to grab food, before leaving my apartment. My desperate need to fill my stomach, was my only saving grace this morning, while enduring seemingly endless tales about her cat urinating in the bathtub on several occasions, and many other charming details. Normally, this kind of crap, goes in one ear, and out the other. In the morning I'll stew over the first things I hear. I eventually made it. To my appointment, though, somewhat infuriated that I'd had to start my day. Earlier than I chose, and then had to deal with this lady talking to hear her own voice. Obviously, I'm not a morning person...
Fortunately, even though, I started on the wrong foot, I was able to change my train of thought, and gain some new perspectives in my psychology appointment. Today, I felt like. I actually. Was progressing, and maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. For the 1st time in 4 yrs, I actually felt like someone realized that I may be able to function outside of the government aid bubble I live in. I've always believed that I could take care of myself without assistance. I was like that as a kid too. However, iIm an ass, because I couldn't realize that the object isn't to be able to be supremely independent, for me it's to learn social graces, to pleasantly co-exist with others. Reading that sentence makes me think of that tv show, with the ridiculous dorks, The Big Bang Theory.

AfterI returned home, I discovered that my pc, which I needed to finish some of my work from last semesters class, was on the fritz... again. This only seems to happen when I have. Help lined up to actually complete a task. We went to lunch and discussed the agenda for my team meeting on Thursday. Not a total waste of time, but, am quickly loosing faith in my ability to complete this class. At least, how I'd envisioned it. However, I will say that breakfast for lunch at Sneakers disguised my frustration and anger. After lunch, I met up with my first Vermont friend,Ann,for some retail therapy at EMS. I can't ever turn down a trip there, especially when the place is filled with red clearance signs. Although, the one thing I really wanted, mad me appear as if I was wearing a cranberry paper bag. It was fun to catch up with Ann, as we rarely see each other. She's been an amazing friend through all of this, as have so many, but I'm always reminded of how amazing, and seemingly invincible I once found life. I still appreciate it, but , 5 yrs ago, it never occurred to me my life could or would take such a difficult course.

After Galla Antony with Nn, she dropped me off at the Y, so I could do my aqua aerobics class, and hit the gym. When I got to the locker room, I got somewhat disgruntled when I realized, it contained, only my running gear. Another woman in the locker room, seemed convinced I could handle a Zumba class, and offered to coach me through it. Given that she was the 2nd person of my day, to endorse the class, I joined in, standing in the very back, to not bring attention to my ridiculous coordination. After maybe 10 minutes, Jaime, who I'd met earlier spied me, awkwardly trundling around in the back, and started voicing the moves, as we did them, which helped me so much. My brain is still pretty slow with translating what I see, into a physical reaction, so up until then, I'd been slightly behind everyone else. I don't think I've broken that much of a sweat since October. I was so glad that I was able to move as well as I did in that class. Definitely made me realize how far I've come physically, in a year. Pretty cool what your brain can figure out, if you use it, everyday.


DAD said...

well as you know, I am a morning person, ha, but I do understand that "not a morning person" thing. Of course though you know I am merciless early in the am! ha
Zumaba, congradulations! i tried it a month or two ago. Ill go with you in Burlington, that should be a laugh or two!
Love your input, keeps us more in touch even though we are miles apart. TTYL

Julie/Mom said...

Glad you were able to join in zumba....everybody who takes it,loves it! Will you continue with it?
Looking forward to your next post!!
Love, Mom