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Friday, January 6, 2012

Little pieces of daily interactions...

I have a friend who boldly walks in, seemingly anywhere, and does exactly what he wants, says what he wants, and acts how he pleases. I I find his confidence in himself and his abilities reassuring, but also slightly annoying, because Ive never had that kind of self-reassurance. He walks in answers my pleasantries, turns to face me, and asks, "are you lonely?"That word literally makes me cringe. I tense up, and almost shout, NO! It's an automatic reaction for me to deny anything that I perceive as an allegation of weakness. As I said no, by mind was calling my mouth a liar. In a split decision of honesty, I then admitted, that I was, but only in certain perspectives. I divulged that I keep myself busy 95% of the time in order to save myself from actually having to consider how I lead my life now, and I how I feel about what having a brain injury means to me. There are so many aspects that I intently abhor. For example, people making incorrect assumptions about me, not being able to visually process the world going by me fast enough to allow me to drive, the way my voice betrays me, when I'm trying to make my point, or just in general. Oh yeah, the way my memory intermittently fails me, causing embarrassment for myself and others. As much as these aspects of my life frustrate, infuriate, or embarrass me, Im finally reaching a place in my life, where I no longer despise where I've been, the past few years. For some reason, being asked point-blank about my injury, and the feelings I have as a result of it, has more or less opened the Pandoras box of my mind. I have been so accustomed to Immediately disposing of any feeling that occurs to me, whether I recognize it or not.

Even with the immense difficulties I've been dealt in the past 5 yrs. at this point I'm not sure I would trade my new-found life perspective. I feel I've gained as a result of these struggles. This is something I don't or wouldn't want to loose now. I don't generally feel like a glass half full type of person, because most of the reason I push myself on, everyday, is because this injury has shown me, the harder I work, the more I improve, and the less difficulties Ihave. We live in a society, that is so focused on making our lives easier, which is wonderful at the moment, but is terrible for society in general, because it propagates such poor lifestyle habits. That is a super broad over-generalization.

When asked about loneliness, I immediately freaked out because I knew another door of crazy emotions had been opened. Back on that train of thought, I personally feel that admitting to loneliness is like admitting to a weakness, which I don't ever want to do. Although, if no one ever asks me questions like that, I would never contemplate these things on my own... That's what entertainment media is for, to distract you from your own scary mind...

WellI suppose here's as good a place as any to end my thought on this, I just needed to empty my mind of these thoughts.


Dad said...

Your insight is uplifiting and powerful! Thank you for being so nackedly open and I must say, giving me the chance to learn and grow from your thoughts!



Marti said...

I agree with your Dad. Plus, your new perspective on your life is extremely healing for you. Actually, it's extremely healing for all who are close to you.

I love you, Court!

Julie/Mom said...

Your perspectives on your life ,as it was and is now also comes with age, although your insight into your brain injury is a powerful tool for you (and all of us) to contemplate.
I hope you are not too hard on yourself regarding loneliness as a weakness. Everyone goes through it at some time in their lives, some more than others. Considering all you've been through, it's remarkable how far you have come and how you see the world and yourself. It can be a lonely place , I am finding that out right now too but with your tenacity, you will make many friends in this world!
Love you the most! Mom

Val said...

Court, this is an AWESOME post. I just had to read it to my mom because it is so, so good. You're so articulate! I'm really glad that you're letting yourself think these things through, while keeping your focus on always moving forward. You're getting there, my lovely friend! xoxo Val