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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Another week has begun, and I'm just going through the motions, as usual.  I feel like I keep talking to people, well those who are willing to actually spend the time, and puto the effort into figuring out what I'm actually saying to them.  Today, the woman who helped me get my internship, Michelle, and I had a meeting to discuss the work I'm doing at CHIPS, the teen center, I, interning with.  If I have an actual title there it's something like accessibility development intern.  Or just intern.  Basically, I've been pushing for as long as I can remember to have a job, and one that's cognitively demanding.  I spent 2 yrs placating my voc. Rehab. Counselor, but, what I didn't realize was that she was also doing the same to me.  Looking back, there are hundreds of things I would've done differently, from standing up for my convictions, to having the self confidence to say NO, that won't work for me.  Thankfully, I've learned that now, and hopefully, in good, appropriate measure.
It's just interesting to me how much my perspective has changed because of certain decisions I've made for myself.  Like choosing to do my rehab. Here and not at home, where I'd have way more personal support.  I completely understand why people involved in government funded programs are generally poorly regarded by others in the community.  There is a tremendous rift in society, that the people implementing these programs have created.  I see it in myself from time to time, and despise it.  I also leave my apartment with my mental armor on, which I hate, but it's been a tool I've needed to develop, to help myself deal with situations I don't understand, or feel threatened by.  I despise situations that evoke that reaction, because I feel as though I'm feeding into the unbecoming perception of folks on these programs.    
     This morning I received a tremendous compliment from the woman whose helped me find my internship, and deal with various difficulties I have in the employment setting.  I've had that other counselor, 2008.  I don't doubt that she's a good person, trying to approach her job, the way she's been trained, but unfortunately, that training never required her to think o outside of the box, and because my injury is so unique, and my speech so atrocious, I think she regarded me as a law suit waiting to happen, in the employment setting.  Admittedly, I also went in therewith my perspective, as a recent college grad.  completely unaware that having a brain injury meant as much 'rehab' as I've been through. Granted, as the years pass, I'm increasingly more cognoscenti of how my own perspective has changed, while not really allowing myself appreciate how far I've come.  Michelle complimented me, by saying that I don't take no for an answer, which is generally true if I believe in something, and that I'll work as hard as I possibly can to follow through with my convictions.  It's funny, because I've always admired those types of people, but never actually thought I was one.  I also am somewhat intimidated by people with those qualities.  While, I'm psyched to get such an rightful compliment twice in the first 2 weeks of the year, it feels like things are going really well, this year, which lmakes me nervous, as were only in the 2nd week. Nope, I don't care for that perspective, I need to keep looking forward, and hopefully, I'll keep heading that way too.  Okay, I'm off to 'run' at UVMs indoor track, I hope.

1 comment:

Julie/Mom said...

I have always regarded you as a person who follows through with conviction. You can be very stubborn, sometimes it can work against you but mostly you do stand behind your postition.
Congrats on your two very nice compliments! You certainly deserve them....you work very hard and I'm sure this year will bring more of them. Stay determined and strong girl!! I love you!
Mom