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Sunday, January 29, 2012

Ready, set, go!

Onto another manic Monday, my goal this week, is try and post everyday. I don't always have a lot to say, but I need to break it up a bit, instead of doing a hodgepodge of assorted thoughts, and activities from the week. We shall see...
Mondays begin officially, in my TBI world, at 9;30, but I managed to kick some ass, and go for a run at 7. I needed to get outside for a bit, as I was a hermit over the weekend, and needed some fresh air, before gettin' stuff accomplished at CHIPS. Amazing how much difference, using physical energy makes, before being at a desk for several hours makes. Don't think I actually accomplished very much, except for promptly addressing the grant oriented questions I was apparently supposed to do last week, and didn't see in my inbox. I'm quickly learning that everything about grant writing is a hurry up, and wait type process. Theoretically, that shouldn't bother me, because it's very similar to my life presently. I just need to stop waiting, and start doing. Every time I declare a far-off goal, however, it is immediately shot down, this is easily my biggest complaint about our present society. Those who blame others for their own faults, and here I am doing it myself. Embarrassing...
Or not, I realize this is all a relearning process, but so fucking remedial. I hate. That word because it's so often peppered into everyday conversation, and is no longer the vehement, angry curse word, I grew up knowing it to be. It's in every other sentence on the street, and they bleep it out of movie and tv conversations, so now it's in my opinion, a disgustingly fashionable word. But, you still sound like a piece of trash saying it, no matter what the context. Hmm, maybe I need to take a break from YouTube.
Back to remedial, I'm so sick of being treated like the ignorant fool, pele initially perceive me to be. You have to slow down a bit, and focus, which, it seems the majority of people are incapable of. That's a skill you have to develop, by the way. It takes more than Ritalin, maybe learning how to deal with yourself, and taking responsibility for your actions. Not that I think people still do that anymore, as it's pretty obvious people. Well, here's a charmingly bitter blurb, I despise writing about what I don't like, because open that can of worms, I can't put it away.
I had this idea, I should only post positive accomplishments, however, accomplishments in the world of the Medicaid waiver TBI program are few and far between, so I'm just going to roll with writing about what I don't appreciate these days, simply because I ca. Lucky you..
I'm not pleased it's an election year,a ) on a selfish level, it's an obvious reminder of how long I've been treading water in this foolish program. I'm beginning to liken myself to a caged animal, because I've been mentally hung out to dry for so long. This feeling is so much worse in the winter, as I don't get out as much. Also, having people look at me sheepishly, and actually say, "oh wow, you're pretty smart, huh.". Makes me shiver thinking about it. Why do people voice thoughts like that? Awkward. My 1st thought to snark back is always, "yeah, not just a pretty face". Though I can never actually allow myself to respond that way. It's not rewarding to speak your mind, when it makes you berate others. God, who am I? People occasionally tell me I should be proud of myself, for how much I've accomplished, but when you're life is constantly being criticized, picked apart, down to every last reason for each decision you make, it becomes absurdly difficult to even pretend you appreciate anything. I'm not saying I'm not thankful to be here, but tonight, I feel like I'm cracking under the pressures of trying to maintain my housing situation, acclimate to a new, unique liviving situation, finish up class from last semester, make sure I'm not shaking or seizing, because I forgot to take my meds, and make sure I'm not actually spreading my negativity into the world. Ooh, wait a minute...

Good night!

4 comments:

DAD said...

1-I wish I could write like you, it is so fluid and right on.

2- I think this is a perfect place to share your feelings... and it is sometimes critically important to vent then. Sometimes it helps you move on, othertimes it lets others know things that are not spoke of in everyday conversation.

3- want to hear me bitch... Just Kidding.

4- Keep it up and ggod job on the running too!

Patricia said...

I love the angry and the hopeful, FYI.

Marti said...

You were born to survive, you were born to be brave! (Lady Gaga).

Julie/Mom said...

Ditto to all the above comments!!!!
I think venting negative thoughts on paper, or blog as it were, is ideal and healthy. This way you don't have to deal with peoples' expressions if they are offended....hee-hee.
Hope you can keep up the every day posts and running.
Love you