Twister!

Crikey! I'm at a loss for how to spill my thoughts tonight. I'm at a desperate crux in my life in regards to my housing situation. Im supported by government funding (section 8) for my living accommodations, while I'm doing rehab. Thank you VT! While it's an incredibly helpful asset on the one hand, it's also a subject I rarely write about, as I'm unable to keep a positive outlook in this area of my life. Am I proud of the fact I need your tax dollars to support myself (hell no!). But do I need help getting back on my feet, yes, yes I do.

So, here I am, in my apartment, going through roommates/ live-in aids like toilet paper. I had to let my current one go, last night. I really did not want to have to broach the subject yesterday, out of respect for her birthday. Though, that's the way the cookie crumbed. ;)

We've had our ups and downs over the past month, but I've been so desperate to not be in trouble with the housing authority, I've blatantly overlooked many of the red flags in her personality. Neediness, consistent excuse maker in every situation, financially un-stable... We all have our own weird hang ups, but, literally, each day I've engaged in conversation, I've learned 3 or 4 new ones she has. I hired her to help me with basic house-keeping tasks that are very time consuming for me, as well, as to have someone I could depend on for transportation. I feel stupid for not making this definitive realization 3 weeks ago, when she was unable to help me get somewhere, because of lack of gas money. My brain injury team has to tell me, I'm being taken advantage of, or at least my resources are. It's like I need things to be spelled out for me, and to be pissed off in the moment to take action. I didn't want to have that conversation on her birthday, but sometimes you only have one opportunity with back-up, and you have to seize it. She was 45 minutes late to the meeting she set the time for, and spent half of the meeting whining because I have a support team to gang up on her. That's valid, but I have their help to support me in situations like this, because I have difficulty laying down the law. Yet, somehow it's just easier to do when you know someone is bull-shitting you. We listened to an hours worth of excuses, judgements, defensive reasoning for why she wasn't fulfilling her expectations in this position. It can't be easy, but I never said it would be. I try to keep an open mind with each new person I bring in, but she made it difficult from day one. It's as if she isn't able to make certain connections, that would enable her to sustain herself. I feel badly, but I can't be the person to enable her. She left left last night in a fit of hysterics, for dinner with friends. At least she had others to help her deal with her difficulties, and it was the worst timing possible, but it had too be done. I feel callous and cold looking at the situation that way, but I need to put myself first in these situations, so even though I'm dragging my feet, I'm finally starting to round that corner.

You thought tis ridiculous tale was over, but the saga continues.., Last night, around 1030, I got her text that she wasn't coming home. I thought that was probably a good thing for her to have a little space. I locked the doors, and went to sleep. Around 130 I awoke to the deadbolt on the door, being repeatedly hit. No calling, no voice at all. I wasn't getting up to find out who wanted in. I went back to sleep, and found 2 text messages from her. One, "Are you awake?, and 2. My plans changed when I got molested. Hopes you left the door unlocked." We had the door conversation last week, and I told her I dead bolt the door, if she says she's not coming back. As far as the molestation comment, it's unfortunate, if true, but I can't continue to feel responsible for her lack of judgement. I've learned that in this case I was too nieve, in my quest for a kind, helpful, and stable I've-in aide. Another one bites the dust, and I'm hunting again.