Today was an incredibly positive day. I suggested I meet my case manager at a local coffee shop at 9, and was extremely pleased with myself for having successfully gotten out the door, under my own power, before 9. Hey, it's the small success that accumulate to create bigger ones so, I feel better about my day, if I'm out the door before 9. Or at least productive in some way. I feel as though I'm in a rock and a hard place with my current living situation. Needing to hire roommates, as caregivers, plainly, sucks. At times I've been fortunate to hire old friends or acquaintances, but in the last year it's been impossible to find available, dependable, trustworthy, and mentally stable help. I just hired a woman, whose a bit older than I am, but seemed quite genuine, though a tad over talkative for my Taste. I've realized there are are no boundaries in that sense.well, maybe finances, but that's all I've encountered so far. I'm really at a crux right now, as I'm not happy in my living environment, but (a don't want to be made to feel like I'm responsible for her current life difficulties,, and b) have no interest in learning to adapt to incessant chatter. We've already had multiple financial disagreements, as well as cleaning related ones. On one hand I'm pleased to see myself standing up for how I want things done, but, it almost pains me, especially with her. There are excuses in every conversation, regardless if they're confrontational or not. Never met anyone with such an innate ability to not take responsibility for themselves or their actions. Still, a very nice girl, but I'm finally in a place in my life where nice no longer makes the deal . I learn more about myself, and my abilities to look after myself, from every roommate, whether it be a positive or negative experience. Therefore, I suppose I could look at it as all positive, because I'm learning how to manage my time , and space, while attempting to be respectful of theirs. Though, I will say, it can be difficult to take some statements seriously. I just don't know where to draw the line.
I am also spending way too much time arguing with various agencies and doctors, in a apparently fruitless labors to obtain speech therapy. I even got turned away from a theatrical singing company, that was recommended, as a method to learn breath support. Although, they were receptive to my rebuttals for being turned away. Which is more than I can say for anyone else presently.
It was a great running day, fall is the best! The air is cool and crisp, and the fall colors, are unbelievable. I know that my visual processing is getting better, because this is the first fall I've really been able to spectate with such amazement, in oh, 5 years. Pretty incredible, if you ask me.
Tonight, I had a meet-up with a couple, both old college friends. We've been trying to get together for the last month or so, and I was so happy we finally made it happen! I knew Nathaniel from the dorms and Amanda from Alternative Spring Break. It's just so amazing to see people who understand, and have an innate sense of how they want their lives to go, and are well on that path. So cool, at least thats how I see it, since I used be in that world. Ironically, as we're talking about how it seems there are so many fewer people we know, or recognize, since the end of college, who should walk by, but Megan, most recently, one of my past roommates , but in college Amanda and I both knew her as the director of ASB. We all had a fun mini reunion. One of the occasions I appreciate living in my old college town. It's just so beautiful to be reminded that I do still have friends who know , and understand the concept of a work ethic, as well as a view of who I once was. That statement isn't meant as a criticism of anyone, just more as a a statement about my day to day life, where nothing, period, is expected of me to accomplish anything. This is terrible, I had a great day, yet I'm still so cynical about my life on government funds. To be blunt, it often feels like a dead-end road to hell. Just when I think we're progressing in some regard, I run into another. 'magical' set-back. I'm so thankful for all of the amazing, positive people I have in my life. In life , other people can make, or break you. I feel so fortunate to have so many 'makers' on my side, as I've made so much progress, with the help, and assistance of so many amazing believers. Perfect is an ideal that can't exist, since we all have a different. Idea of what it entails. Maybe someday I'll get a better sense for who to allow to help me, more like, one day I hope to have a better choice. Can I run away screaming, yet? I'm learning that the ideas behind government assistance, is quite commendable, yet the implementation not so. These programs are designed like factories, with the idea to perpetuate or sustain life, by it's own standards. Yet, there is no accommodation for the fact that all people are different in many ways. Of course it's not economically viable to run a factory which accommodates for differences. Though, wouldn't you think it'd be easier to live in a society where people could have access to the same goods and services. Obviously utopia doesn't exist anywhere, and we're all trying to put our best foot forward. I think I'm just saying that we, as Americans, need to live up to our national creeds, of 'United for one, United for all. These programs are so complex now, with many caveats, and ways to work the system. The key, in my opinion is to simplify.
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