So much to tell...

If only I could manage to blog everyday, I'd hoped to create a kind of journal from my posts, but I get so easily sidetracked, so here I am, after 3 weeks. My Thanksgiving was great, even though all of my preconceived 'plans' fell through, and when I realized how things would unfold, I shut down a little bit. I was really hoping to go home to Maine, with my stepdad, however, Id been warned ahead of time to not share the plans of possibly coming home, so it would be a surprise, and also so no one could be held accountable if plans were changed. I find these plans so frustrating, as Iv'e tried to make plans sand backup plans. I was very fortunate to receive another invite 2 days before and partook in a Flynn family Thanksgiving. My mom, her neighbors, who are like a second family, and my stepdad all showed up in a little camper van. I hadn't seen my mom since September, when she literally appeared to be on deaths doorstep, weighing under 100 lbs, every bone visible under her pale skin, as she had lost so much weight from how sick chemotherapy had made her. It was such a releif to her pushing her way back to her vibrant demeanor. I am unable to express how envious I am, of her rehab stint being as short as it was compared to mine, it's an utterly, disgruntling, frustrating experience, I sincerely wish that we could all be spared from rehab. Most days I am grateful to still be here, but I've spent the last 4/12 hrs picking myself up every time I fall, pretending that I'm not able to understand what's going on around me,, because no one actually understands what I verbally say. I feel like I live in a world where only the people who are actually willing to put the additional time and mental energy into what I say to them, are the people with whom I specifically make an effort to either maintain a relationship with, or in the case of my rehab. Professionals I put less effort into the asisstance they offer. However, I wasn't really aware that I had already been approaching certain team members this way, well at least to my own detriment. I feel like I'm constantly working myself, to get back to where I was 5 hrs ago. I think the biggest reason I prefer to hold everything in, is because I despise the reactions of shock, pity, and even sympathy. Although, in the cases where I do start to trust people enough to open up, it tends to be overwhelming for them, and me. It's easier for me to only look forward and not dwell on everything that I had and loved. My story has taken a different path than I'd ever imagined, but I need to embrace it and move on, because were only as good as what each of us does for ourselves and others.