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Friday, December 9, 2011

Finally Friday...

. I woke up crazy late, just missing my friend who I'd made plans with to pick me up for brain injury support group, bonus, I'd also forgotten to charge my phone. As soon as I was awake enough to realize the absurdly late time that it was. I left my apartment to walk across town, to the meeting. I. Was 3/4 of the way there, when I heard from behind me, "Courtney! I am so mad at you! I just went to your house, bla, bla, bla. It was the gal whose Iucky enough to get paid to put up with my crap, and make sure I'm carrying out my random tasks that I'm supposed to carry out each week to get off the waiver program. Naturaly, I don't always respond kindly to being prompted to carry out tasks that I rarely have a vested interest in, in the first place. I didn't. This is a grat thing, but I've always had trouble appreciating it. I didnt loose the ability to look after myself, it's more to me like I forgot how, and now that I have a team of people, with whom I largely disagree,yo help me get there, wherever there is. it's becoming ever so infuriating. I'm being encouraged to just get over the hump, by basically placating the program, until, I'm 'released'. In theory, this sounds plausible, and more time effective, although, now that I'm exercising my right to express my thoughts, I seem to be having a hard time not expressing anger, disappointment, vulnerability, resentments, etc. I'm trying not to step my own toes, and still express my criticism in a constructive manner. Not really a talent I posess. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
Moving on, I finally made it to support group, which was awesome today, because the facilitator, Anna, had lined up a somatic specialist to give us a more clear ,perspective on how the brain communicates with the body to carry out movement processes. I was very interested in listening to this speaker, and was pretty upset with myself for having missed half of the presentation. I more or less got contact information, and came away with an trest in pursuing this type of therapy. There is such a resource of more holistic forms of medicine in this area, I just wish it was recognized by state and federal funding sources.

After support group I wanted a mocha, so I got my little caffeine fix, and then we headed back to my apartment to take care of some of the tasks I have profound difficulty getting myself to do. Today, this meant finding an application for my iPad thatbwill ding, and remind me do whatever I'm supposed to get done. Honestly, I don't see myself using this tool. I'm sure it's very helpful and convenient for certain people, but in my little world, I'm not interested in carrying around a prosthetic piece of equipment to reminding me to do random things. In the world I want to live in, and used to live in, you gained from the things you did well, and in a timely fashion, and you suffered from the mistakes you made, but you also learned from those mistakes, by having to figure out how to pick yourself up after you crashed and burned. These programs don't have that capacity. Someone always intercepts whatever I'm doing to 'save' me from whatever disasterbIm about to cause for myself. This is helpful in the moment, but is actually harmful in the long term, because I wasn't able to realize it for myself, and then Ill always need to depend on someone else to bail me out of my problems. Awesome.

Oh, look, I'm still ranting...
After support group, we had a fantastic outing to goodwill, to hunt for tragically atrocious holiday outfits, for respective holiday parties. Some of my friends from college throw an ugly holiday sweater part every year. I must admit, I'm pretty pleased with my find of a red sweater with what is more or less discernible as santas face, holding up a mug of a frothy beverage. This is quite appropriate for this crowd, although, I returned to my apartment with my find, pretty pleased, and my roommate offered me a sweater, that was exactly what I had been looking for, with an embroider christmas scene on it. So ugly, it hurts to look at it for too long, because there is so much detail. I have a difficult choice to make now...

2 comments:

DAD said...

save a sweater for our road trip...

Julie/Mom said...

I say, wear them both and do a quick change mid-party.
As for the gentle reminders from your aids, remember that we ALL need help remembering things now and then. When your brain has been injured it needs a little more help for now until it rewires a new way to remember. Maybe just getting mad at your aids help will be the push your memory needs to move on. You almost always think outside the box...this is no exception.
I love hearing your thoughts and feelingss on the blog. You are a fantastic writer....it's definitely your strong point...so talented!!
See you at Christmas~!~
Love, Mom