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Sunday, December 4, 2011

So much to tell...

If only I could manage to blog everyday, I'd hoped to create a kind of journal from my posts, but I get so easily sidetracked, so here I am, after 3 weeks. My Thanksgiving was great, even though all of my preconceived 'plans' fell through, and when I realized how things would unfold, I shut down a little bit. I was really hoping to go home to Maine, with my stepdad, however, Id been warned ahead of time to not share the plans of possibly coming home, so it would be a surprise, and also so no one could be held accountable if plans were changed. I find these plans so frustrating, as Iv'e tried to make plans sand backup plans. I was very fortunate to receive another invite 2 days before and partook in a Flynn family Thanksgiving. My mom, her neighbors, who are like a second family, and my stepdad all showed up in a little camper van. I hadn't seen my mom since September, when she literally appeared to be on deaths doorstep, weighing under 100 lbs, every bone visible under her pale skin, as she had lost so much weight from how sick chemotherapy had made her. It was such a releif to her pushing her way back to her vibrant demeanor. I am unable to express how envious I am, of her rehab stint being as short as it was compared to mine, it's an utterly, disgruntling, frustrating experience, I sincerely wish that we could all be spared from rehab. Most days I am grateful to still be here, but I've spent the last 4/12 hrs picking myself up every time I fall, pretending that I'm not able to understand what's going on around me,, because no one actually understands what I verbally say. I feel like I live in a world where only the people who are actually willing to put the additional time and mental energy into what I say to them, are the people with whom I specifically make an effort to either maintain a relationship with, or in the case of my rehab. Professionals I put less effort into the asisstance they offer. However, I wasn't really aware that I had already been approaching certain team members this way, well at least to my own detriment. I feel like I'm constantly working myself, to get back to where I was 5 hrs ago. I think the biggest reason I prefer to hold everything in, is because I despise the reactions of shock, pity, and even sympathy. Although, in the cases where I do start to trust people enough to open up, it tends to be overwhelming for them, and me. It's easier for me to only look forward and not dwell on everything that I had and loved. My story has taken a different path than I'd ever imagined, but I need to embrace it and move on, because were only as good as what each of us does for ourselves and others.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

So well said! As for me I think our plans/paths can and do change unexpectedly. The trick is being able to see.... and adjust and carry on with the vision, hope, and desires that we have and need to be creative and productive, those traits that are within us as human beings.
Cheers Kid! Love, DAD

Marti said...

Thanks, again, Court for sharing your thoughts. It's important for all of us to read. You're the best!

Julie/Mom said...

It's so good to read your writing and have you share your thoughts and feelings with us.
I'm sorry Thanksgiving plans were altered but was so happy to see you last week! You are right, rehab is so frustrating but thank God for it.
We'll both keep plugging away and will be and get better for it.
I look foward to seeing you this Christmas. Keep on blogging!!
Love you the most, Mom

Chronicles of a Brain Injury said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Courtney said...

Thanks to my amazing family! You guys are the reason why I'm able to push myself thevway that I do! Love, love, love you!

December 9, 2011 12:53 AM