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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Technology/life and I are ina serious disagreement

Well here we are Friday already. I was so pleased to start integrating my use of the ipad into my internship, at Essex CHIPS a youth/ teen center. I'm attempting to find accessibility options for their historic building, on 5 corners. I brought it with me on Monday, and it worked well, though, I was curious about why the screen looked a bit wiggly at the bottom. Its only noticeably to me on some backgrounds, but after 4 or 5 others had commented on it, I sadly relented, and brought it back. Supposedly, I'll get another one in a couple days, but technology is so frustrating in this respect, as you rely on t to store your schedule, and whatever info you'll need from day to day, and, if it breaks, or you have to bring it back, you lose everything. Luckily, I can figure most of it out from email, but I guarantee, I will miss something, and get myself into trouble next week. I guess I have anxiety about anticipating my own mistakes. FUNN (not) but the amount of pressure I feel as though I'm under to perform at the standards of my brain injury program is ridiculous. These programs are so concrete, which is particularly unhelpful to people like me, who don't think "inside the box". I need to do/learn things in a way that's meaningful to me, as an individual, otherwise, I wind up not being able focus, and feeling like no matter what I do, I can't move forward in my rehab. program. It's no wonder people get stuck on these programs. The 'professionals' running the show are all involved at the same time, stepping into each others outlined bounds, and I suffer because I lack the ability and willingness to follow each of the 4-6 individuals who control how and why I ' make the decisions I do. I just do not seem to be able to verbalize how frustrating it is to not be able to verbalize my intense frustration over lack of cohesiveness among my team o professionals. Individually, each person, has their own distinct merits, although, as a team, were an abomination. These programs are very single-tracked, and if you aren't able to take your pride, dignity, and objections off the table, while participating, or receiving 'assistance' it is nearly impossible to successfully emancipate oneself from federal -aid programs. Its impossible to relate to people in these programs, because each has a different difficulty, yet we all have very similar 'fixes' administered, and then suffer the consequences, when we are not willing or able to voice the truth of our opinions, for fear that one fault or serious change, will upset the delicate balance of each individual program. I've never felt comfortable expressing any of my opinions, positive or negative, as I learned early on that if you mention one opinion to one person, by the next day, all 7, are considering that comment you made, not realizing, anything you say to anyone will probably have a direct impact on your life in regards to how each person approaches you. While the attentiveness is commendable, I purely despise the fact, that each person will alter their methods of communication with me, if I open my mouth to voice a complaint, whether it be a trivial detail or a life-altering mistake. Also, the amount of guilt I infer, because I spoke up is unprecedented. I know its no longer a matter of just one persons disagreement, but it seems to change the dynamics of how each person approaches me if I say, for example, that one is too motherly, or one is particularly dense when attempting to summarize the thoughts and feelings I felt I had relayed to them. I have asked multiple time for a definitive list of tasks they feel I need to accomplish, to successfully 'graduate' from the program. I've also repeatedly had it thrown back in my face, stating that they need to be my goals, for the program to be effective for me. And, I unfortunately, am unaware of a way to diplomatically tell them to drop me. I'll either sink or swim, and yes, sinking is terrifying, but it's also the best way to learn, as hard, as it is. Well, I'm losing my ability to focus on what I'm wring, but I'll be back ...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi,
Ive been home, but all over the map... just read this. I do think that retospect sometimes makes things harder too. and of course sometime not. You are strong and smart! :) ANd I love and miss you!

DAD

Marti said...

I'm always so impressed with your determination to keep pushing yourself no matter what anyone says. Keep up your great spirit!

Love you!

Aunt Marti

Anonymous said...

u and me both withechnology...

DAD

Julie/Mom said...

Court,
I think you communicate your frustraions quite well in your blog. It's too bad it is so difficult to get your point(s) across to everyone,esp. when they all have different persectives.
Keep up the good work on the blog and in your recovery....as we all know, it's a life long process. I can't wait to see you this weekend!
Love and miss you,
Mom