Gimpy...breaking the big toe

Looks like my unofficial rights to injuring myself in truly unimpressive ways, will forever be a lingering quality, I posess.  2010 was a banner year for me, and my face.  I made double digits with the number of black eyes I got that year.  My vision still wasn't as great,, as I liked to think it was, so most often, I'd end up hitting my face, on something, I hadn't seen.  Although, here were at least 2 falls where I did face plants.  I used a lot of concealer that year, and usually the only people who realized were my roommates, or who ever saw me hit my face.  It was a banner year, for me, and my lack of coordination.  This year isn't off to a promising start.  No black eyes (yet), though, last week, I managed to cause a 15lb ball of iron, to fall on my foot.  I was putting a different weight back, and managed to push the kettle-bell off the shelf, that I was standing under, in the process.  It fell on my left, big toe.  In that moment, I realized 1) how forgetful I am, and 2) that I don't react to pain the same way, I used to.  I've actually done the exact same thing before.  Although, the last time it didn't really hurt so much, and I easily completed my exercises.  This time, I wasn't so lucky.  It hit me, and I thought, "Really, again!?"  and then the pain hit me, and I couldn't communicate, the tears just welled up in my eyes, and I used one hand to stabilize my self, and the the other, just shook.  People kept asking me questions, but I was having a hard time finding my words, besides yes, and no.  I'm probably like that, whoever I cause myself a lot of pain, but this time, I felt acutely aware of it.  It quickly passed, but I had a hard time dealing with,the onslaught of questions, and pain discussions.  Obviously, we all do dumb, painful things from time to time, but this was a repeat of something I'd done 3 weeks earlier, and it was worse this time.

Upon returning home, I put my foot up, and canceled my evening plans to attend movement meditation.  By the time 5pm rolled around, and the fierce pain continued to persist, even despite aspirin, I decided to go to the walk in clinic.  It didn't look broken, but it felt, as if it was, so I decided to aire on the side of caution.  I learned about a new kind fracture.  Apparently, I received a fragment fracture,where a tiny piece of bone, flaked off my toe.  They can't do anything for it, other than tell me the importance of wearing hard soled shoes, and give me a hard soled sandal to support, and protect the toe.  Obviously sandals are not ideal, this time of year, so I wear it at home, and tape other weird, crooked, overlapping toes out of way.  The doctor explained the fracture, but told me, it was likely the pressure, from the amount of blood under my toenail, was likely causing a great amount of the pain.  He explained his plan, to drill a hole in my toenail, to release the pressure.  I greed to it, but I could not watch him place the drill, and make the hole.  It wasn't really painful, but the idea of a drill, anywhere on my body, while I'm awake, and mentally aware, seemed disgusting.  Thankfully, he was right, it didn't really hurt, and the force pressure dissipated quickly.  It had been really strange to feel my pulse in my big toe.  Forget weird, it seemed disgusting, actually.  By the time I got home, and had eaten,mi checked out my foot again, and the swelling had drastically gone down.  It made me so happy, I had decided to seek treatment.

I miss the activity of my normal days, but, on the bright side, it's forcing me to work on my writing, and research of a plan for where, and how to move on, after the end of my 6 year rehabilitation program.  I won't have that figured out for a while, but need to find a fulfilling way to support myself, and leave the weight of public funding behind me.  I've appreciated the security it's given me, through rehab, and also the cogniscence of my dad, with regard yo orchestrating the programs, with the help of all the medical professionals, and rehab. specialists.  I feel as if I've lost the prime of my life, to this injury, but, I also feel there's a lot of my life, to reclaim, and build upon.  I decided 3 weeks ago, to go for a marathon, this year.  I became sick, the week after that.  I'd actually forgotten how terrible it feels to lose all of your energy, and will.  Misery.  I finally, felt like myself again, last week, and was 3 days into a perfect running week, when an iron ball hit my foot.  So, that's a set-back, but hopefully the pain, in my left foot disappears soon.  It's already, no longer resembling a sausage, although, it's a terrific purple color. I'm going back to PT Monday, and can't wait to get back to being more active!