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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The winds of change

I read the entire blog start go finish, last night.  There's a first time for everything right?  I never felt strong enough to, because I knew it meant un-burying my feelings about Sean.  I met someone last week, who'd read the blog beforehand, and said, "I have one question, I hope it's ok to ask?"  I nievely replied, "yeah, go for it!  The question detonated an emotional bomb, I had deeply buried.  It was, "what happened to Sean?" It caught me off gauard, and I kind of blankly stared off, before mumbling that he'd left in '09 to return to school.  The year after he left, I shut down, emotionally, and really couldn't afford to, as my own family was also going through drastic change.  Both of my parents, ended their long-term relationships, in a similar time frame, so, I needed to deal with amended families, and find a way to forge relationships with the step parents I'd loved for the last decade, or more.  That was '09 and '10.  I threw myself I to my therapies, to attempt to focus on something else, than that that the world, I knew and loved, had truly disappeared,all in the same time frame.  As I was learning to come to terms with the new family situations, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  At first it seemed like, no big deal, she'd had it before, and no deeply serious repercussions.  This time, it hit her hard, she had a mastectomy, and underwent chemo.  I now feel like I understand what it was like for her to see me, helpless, with a squad of doctors, nurses,and therapists around all the time.  She had to give up a lot of things up, but she did manage to re-claim her lifestyle, and go back to work.  We all face setbacks, but these 2, back to back, were ruthless.  First me, then my mom.  When Sean was leaving, his dad had been diagnosed with cancer, also.  He ended up losing his dad, who was an amazing man, and I hope is remembered as such.  That occured after he'd left, but I rember getting an emaill from him, that struck me as though they were parting words.  I responded, but never heard back, and later heard of his passing.  We all had some extraordinarily difficult years in that time frame, and I never had to face my questions of what happened to us, because everything else became so blurry.  Now it's so hard to go back, and look at it, I can't bring myself to.

Sadly, today, Sean and I have little to no contact.  He responds to my requests for all the legal business my lawyer needs to cross off, with regard to the Yaz lawsuit, but I hadn't opened that door, until last weekend, and now, I can't close it,again.  Life is funny that way.  When things are calm, I find myself wondering if I'm standing in the eye of the storm, or if the winds of change, are actually coming to rest.  My dad was the rock, in the storm, after he split from Martha, he moved into the town they'd lived in.   He has 3 other young adult kids, and still managed to visit me regularly, and deal with much of my  state officiated rehab. Program.  Marty also remains a constant support, which has been enormously helpful.  Growing up, I was used to change, but losing all of my basic family entities in one foul swoop, looking back, seems just as bad, as losing my physical, and emotional  abilities.  Now, I've learned that I can't trust things will be the same, for any period of time, and that while family, and friends make the world a beautiful place, it can all I'll disappear, just like *THAT.*

My injury has taught me to look for the good in people immediately, because you can't take your time with them for granted.  If you love someone, say it loud, and proud!  If you appreciate something others have done for you, show your appreciation.  Life is subject to change, live in the moment, and be happy!

Guess I should get out there, and take my own advice! 
A huge thank you yo everyone of those  amazing souls who have  helped me along this path!   No matter how big, or small, your actions are greatly appreciated!  Love to all!


Julie/Mom said...

OH MY GOD, I had no idea the happenings of our respective families would affect you like that. You rarely show that side of your emotions or when you do, you don't say what is bothering you. I am so glad to read this entry. It's very helpful for me to understand how you see things. Thank you, love you the most,

Marti said...

Your writings, even when difficult, are very healing. We all believe in you. Your recovery is absolutely remarkable.

After hearing Erik's talk today, it reminded me of his book called The Adversity Advantage. You might want to take another look at it. I know I will.

Keep writing!

Love you!

Dad said...

What you write has wisdom that is timeless...

I am moved and inspired by your life! Those of us who know you are so happy to be a part of your life.

And yes we all have dreams, some realistic, some perhaps not quite... Never discount them, never... They are always a moving target.

As you have written, take the moment and live it, all of it.

As you know, the present is all we really have!



Patricia Mcdonald said...

I'm sure it wasn't easy to post this blog entry. I'm glad that you have found a way to stay connected to the step-families..
Hey, I'm going to send you a cd. It's a talk by Pema Chodron on Tonglen Meditation. I've been listening to it on and off for a few years. It's always great to hear and since you are now meditating, I want to share it with you!

Courtney Blasius said...

Thank you Patricia! That sounds really interesting, I'm curious about different styles, and practices. The group I take part in, really keeps it interesting, but the variation in styles and forms, can be tough for me to adjust to. Although it's always nice to practice at home too, so I look forward to hearing this approach!