With the onset of a new year, I am looking forward to getting my life back on track. Adaptive recreation has clearly become a passion, but I'm finding it difficult to forge a bridge back to meaningful employment, and getting away from public funding. Of course they've been immensely helpful, and have allowed me to sustain myself throughout my rehabilitation process, and for that I'm extremely thankful. However, being appreciative for the asisstance I've received through this enduring journey, does not mean it has been easy. As a country, we should not be proud, nor impressed by the sullen, cross, power tripped out people, that are some of the faces of government asisstance. I've become cross myself, with talking, and intereacting with certain groups, in this regard. It would be great if I was a better person, but if somebody intentionally tries to put me in a box, or has a complete disregard for the situation, I get upset, and once I get control over that, I've had to learn to put away my feelings, in this situation, because they're unwanted, and make the situation more difficult. I suppose much of life can be like that, but the lessons I have to repeat, I always think, 'well, duh, I used to know that, why is this so hard now.' I guess it's a similar feeling of being a timid kid, left to your own devices, at your parents work. I was happy doing my own thing, drawing, reading, whatever, until, someone approached me. Of course they were kind, but I'd be totally intimidated. I was the little kid that hid behind my mom, when she took me to cocial events. Eventually, I grew out that, as I learned that people weren't so scary, as they sometimes seemed. Now, I'm 29, 6 years after losing all those early social lessons, and it's been a very trying go of it, in that perspective, mostly because I don't have family to lean on, here. I definitely have people I'm close with, but it's helpful to be around the people your brain is wired like.
Social situations are still the hardest, and they may always be. Though, the more I put myself out there, the more comfortable others become, with regard to being comfortable around someone with unique challenges. This is something I feel is somewhat common for people of different abilities, of course I know I'm very different from others now, my visual abilities, aren't what they were, I can't impulsively move, and not fall, I have a really hard time recognizing people, and I have to use all of my focus, and concentration to be understood, the first time I try to speak to someone. There are fun medical terms for many of my difficulties, and while I know what they are, writing them out like that, seems like an unforgiving laundry list, of all the things i still have difficulty with. However, in a choice between not living, and the hardships I've faced, it's life, and relearning everything, all the way.
I will never be the girl I was, at the onset of my injury, again. I came to terms with that, a ways back,and, have to focus on moving forward. Whether my high point of the day is the fact that I got my cookie sheet of the oven, and did not burn myself, or that I ran 13.1 miles, and then went in the ocean. On order to ditsy afloat, I can no longer pick myself apart over the things I can't do. Instead, it's about taking a moment to realize how far my brain has brought me, especially, from where it was, 6 years back.