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Sunday, March 16, 2014

Heavy things

(Heavy Things is the only Phish song I like, random, but true)

I just watched this awesome clip of an interview, with Lady Gaga.  Not even sure why, really.  I'm not a big fan of pop.  When I realized how long the interview was, I thought, 'I'll just check it out, and carry on.'  The title was about maintaining her independence, which was what grabbed my interest.  It just made me think about following your passions, and doing what makes you happy in life, over selling out, to do what the masses tell you to do.  These are all things I remember being hold, as a child, to follow my heart, and do what makes me happy.  I hear that a lot now too, and genuinely try to follow it. I'm much harder on myself, than most others are on me.  But, I also think that's true of many people.  Life with a disability is my life now.  It's been 6.5 years, I've learned a lot, about people, myself, and many other things.

Yesterday, I went snowboarding, at Smugglers Notch.  I've really enjoyed their adaptive program, over the years, but I was rather unsettled, walking in, in a rain storm.  I was psyched to be there, but not pleased about the conditions.  Rain, makes the snow sticky, and slushy.  You get wet, when you go down, so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for that.  I have to face the fact, I always have at least one fall.

I was working with a new instructor, to me, anyways.  Adaptive is a truly unique world, and I have so much respect, and admiration for most of the people I've worked with over the years.  It is a job, but they help me, and so many other people get out, and enjoy the activities I/we love.  Pretty damn noble, if I think about it like that. Yesterday was not a difficult, unresponsive day, but sometime I'll be stuck in my head, without the ability to talk, and ride, or run, walk whatever.  My mind is always running but the physical aspect of forming my words, and doing another task, is often beyond me.  I can only process the movements, I have to will my body into making, or try making.  I felt fortunate, as yesterday, I could talk, and ride, or ride, and translate my instructions into the mostly correct movements.  I was also working with an instructor who was really easy to talk to.  It's funny how were all different like that, obviously we all can't get along with everyone, but I I can't get over the fact that sometimes you instantly know you like, or really dont like another person you encounter.  I think it's part of our animal ancestry.  I've just lived in a world where I've had 1 mode, apathy.  I had memories of things I used to recognize on an entire range of levels, from good to bad, to indifferent, so that's what I used, to make comparisons, and decide how to judge a situation, or if I liked, or didn't like someone.  My experiences relearning life, are completely unique, I'm not always sure how to relate my experiences, with people I'm just meeting.  But, my day on the mountain helped me realize, I'm still Courney, Cblaze, sloth, Courtee, and the many other charming names you've all devised for me, in my earlier life.  I don't know how my neurons are re-awakening, I /we thought they were dead, but it is possible to create new synapses.  However, against all odds, I'm still the same, in many respects.  The best feeling in the world, is to be yourself, and be proud of it.  I might move, react, and speak differently, but I'm getting there.  I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, but as they say, 'you don't know how strong you are, until it's tested.'

So, here's to a miraculous ongoing recovery, and all of the unconditional, love, support, coaxing, and will, it has taken to get this far.  Thank you everyone, for helping me get from mute, blind, and 
Bedridden, to a place where I am back to pushing myself to doing bigger, and better things, around each new turn.  Your faith has helped me get here, and I am truly grateful.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yahoo kid you are my trainer! Love ya
Dad

Julie/Mom said...

Well written and very poignant.
Thanks for yet again sharing your feelings, healings and gratitude.
Love you the most,
Mom

Marti said...

Faith is the light that chases the darkness of doubt away.

Debra Martin and Sheri Getten

You are leading us!

Love,

Aunt Marti

Pamela Blades Eckelbarger said...

One word can get me out of a self-centered pity party... “Courtney”. You are my inspiration girl, Kick On!

Dave Thompson said...

Great post Courtney...one of these days I hope our paths will cross in Colorado!

Dave Thompson