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Sunday, March 3, 2013

Nuts and Bolts

One of the hardest parts of authoring a blog, is trying to maintain new ideas. I've been full of thoughts regarding the emotional tolls of learning to accept my disability. Although, unlike most other disabilities, I find the more work I put in physically, nd emotionally, the easier they become. In many ways I've had to start completely over, and re-train my brain (heh) to be human again. With my experiences, the old standby line "You don't know what you don't know" has occurred to me, a ridiculous number of times, throughout my recovery. Each and every brain injury is different, therefor it's impossible to create a systematic treatment for each.

As I've progressed, I attempt do my best to never act on those emotions, which is largely why I've withdrawn from any social life I had. Also because, it can be terrifying to be so open about all of the skills, and abilities I've lost.

Before I suffered this injury, I moved from work to school, to group meetings, and to another job, everyday. I may have also been known to frequent some of the bars. I felt this unfulfilled need to accomplish my dreams, and pursue my favorite hobbies, all at the same time. I was constantly moving from activity to activity. So much so, that I a broad variety of people. I honestly, loved that aspect of my life. But, here I am, 5 years later, pulling myself back together, and realizing how lonely I felt then, too. Everywhere I went, I knew someone, and that's great feeling, Neil you realize you Kay know their name, a few mundane details, but take away the pleasant exchanges, and you both know very little about one-another. No commonalities. I didn't have the time, to really allow people in, closely, into my life. I never really closely looked at the decisions I've mad for myself, until now, simply because I feel time knows no bounds. I'm lost, I don't hav direction, or goals, outside of attempting to regain my independence, and outdoor recreation.

Not entirely certain where my head is at today. Feel like I'm picking myself up, and attempting to find my routine, or a new one. I'm getting the one thing I've wanted, more certainly than anything else in the next few months. I'm getting out of the brain injury waiver program, because the state will have apparently deemed me no longer needing those specific services. I will always have a brain injury, but thankfully, the brain is somewhat elastic, and I've come back. I'll never be who I was 5 years ago, but honestly, who can say that they're the the same person they were 5 years ago?

I really have no desire to act 23 again, anyways. I loved life, and even what had brought me to where I was then. Looking back, I may regret my devotion to play, over academics. In some cases, also spreading myself so thin, by committing to every club I had a minor interest in. I love to be busy. Always have, and am realizing I always will. I'm realizing now, how I find myself myerered in this strange, new world, that does not show me, or anyone else, what to believe in, or how to empower themselves.

Thankfully, I still remember who I was, and how I thought, as well as my belief system. I believe those have all been key factors in ability to get through this. The public systems we offer, are often disgraceful, and exceptionally classist. I don't care who you are, or what your relationship is, it is simply so, because every situation is different.

It is purely unacceptable to put words in my mouth, or anyone else's. This is exceptionally difficult to to do. My friends and family do it "for" me, and it really upsets me, whenever it happens. Depending on the situations, depends on how gracefully side. Saying that I may, or may not react to it.

I suppose my convoluted message today, is about the hardships in starting over, but also the strength, and full net that lay on the on the other side. And now, I feel like a cat chasing its tail. Going around, and around, but never quite within grasp. Hopefully, one day, and soon! Never give up.


Julie/Mom said...

You summed it all up in your last line...."never give up....NEVER GIVE UP!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Courtney. I needed to be reminded of those three words. Facing my own challenges, days have seemed a little dark as of late. You speak with courage and honesty. May wounds turn into opportunity and brokenness into song.

Anonymous said...


Lots of food for thought here!