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Monday, March 18, 2013

Getting back in the game

I have to make fun of myself, at his moment. Only because I'm certain I look absolutely ridiculous right now, wearing my gym clothes, snow boots, and my down puff jacket, chilling in a corner of a large open space, in a downtown building.. I do have a lovely view of Lake Champlain,however. I also have 2 bags, at my feet. Mondays, are busy days. I begin with voice lessons, not speech therapy, but voice lessons. I'm paying someone privately, to re-teach me how to articulate, and breathe at the right time, in conversation. Apparently, I have a bad habit, of cramming my entire sentence into one breath, and as a result, the ends of my sentences are unclear. In all of the hours I've logged with speech pathologists, none have described my speech difficulties, in a manner that allowed me to believe that there is a possibility, I may be able to speak clearly. I'm learning how to use my lips when forming sounds. Pretty basic, but its stuff I can control, if I put the effort into it. Think about what I'm trying to say in conversation, as well as, how to move my lips, and tongue, when speaking. That's a tall order, for me, also because I need to slow my speech down, to be more clear. As the years drag by, the more I recognize, my old, ridiculous self. The good, and the bad. I'm still the same procrastinating, active, joyful, sarcastic fool, I always knew. I came off a memory drug last spring, Nememda. It's traditionally given to people suffering from Altzheimers, and me, because I had a very difficult time recalling anything, for a long time. I was excited to come off the drug, but also frightened, as I'd heard they have the ability to not allow you feel, or process emotion. There have been a lot of feelings to be had, and the idea of being attacked by everything from grief, loss, anger, frustration, and betrayal, to love, joy, curiosity, fulfilment, and strength, all at once, terrified me. That's the tip of he iceberg, for me. And, I got exceptionally lucky last year, in finding new friends, skills, and adventures to be had, to distract me from learning to realize, and deal with the fact I have a disability, and this is who I am now. It's not like I've done 5 years of rehab. In the sate system, and can pretend I'm ready to go, and hit full speed. As much as I love that idea, I can finally see where I am now. I've come a long way, but unfortunately, I know that I will never think I've come far enough. That's who I am. I go full speed ahead most of the time. I like to be on the move, all the time. I've been very sedentary, the last couple of months. It's also been strange to have tv again, because, for the first time, I found myself able to empathize with certain stories. I cancelled my cable in the fall of 2011, because I int care bout it. I didn't watch it, and I wasn't all that interested. I now have Internet tv, which I a problem at times, because you NEED self control, for it. It's way too easy to sit, and watch a season, all day, especially when you don't have a lot going on. It's agin oh, but I've had to relearn to ration myself with it.

I don't suppose I have, one Clear topic for today, other than needing o clarify who I am now, and where I want o go. YIKES!


Anonymous said...

Hi kid,
You are the best! Yes, I agree, you always have hit hie road running! Birds of a feather I think...
I'm excited you are of to Crested Butte on Thursday. Hope you have an awesome trip.
Back to your post, yes I agree, Bill Reed was was a great idea, also, regarding " the game" I think the trick is deciding When and what you want to play... Passion is a great motivator!

Julie/Mom said...

Well, yikes is right! You are heading out to Co. this week...YAY... I hope you have a wonderful time with Maggie and everyone else. I can't wait to hear all about it!
I am so happy voice lessons are going are getting easier to understand....slowly but surely.
It was so much fun to see you last weekend....glad you hung out with us all....
BON VOYAGE....and safe travels!
Love you the most.

Patricia said...

Courtney, I had to laugh at how the "human condition" came through in your post today!
Great that you are getting voice lessons, too, and from what you describe, it surely seems to be something that can be changed.
Have a great time in Colorado & hope to see you soon...
Love you, Patricia