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Sunday, February 28, 2016

Head-Space

Today was my average ho-hum day.  I made veggie soup in the crock pot.  It turned out well, though I can't ever seem to get the cous-cous I add to soften, and take on liquid.  I thought if I put it in first, it would have no choice but to soak up the broth.  Sadly, no, and there are now weird couscous flecks in every other bite.  This is clearly why I am not a chef.  I like to cook, but I often just throw random stuff in a pot because it seems like it would be good.  Over the years, I have learned that recipes are important, because different floods mix, and cook differently. In any case my bean, beet, carrot, couscous soup did eventually become edible.

Yesterday I downloaded the NPR One app, mainly because I'd heard good things, but also because the name of it reminded me of Britains radio one, whose music I generally appreciated when I lived in Sothwest England, working for a professional equestrian.  Music becomes so close to you, when you spend all day interacting with, and caring for horses. At least, speaking for myself, I looked forward go the music, the news segments, and all the other rubbish.  It paced the whole day.

Honestly, there's not a ton of music, unless you configure it to play music based podcasts, but, so far I am appreciating listening to it, more so than the actual radio, even.  Although my lock radio from the90s,mrecently quit, so I no longer poses a functional radio.  I used to only listen to the radio in the car, but losing the ability to drive, from this brain injuries impairment of my visual processing, also curtailed my radio exposure.  

Moving on, I acquired a ride to the Sunday evening meditation group I take part in.  My friend Anna brought me to it three years ago, and the organization that puts it on, Center for Mindful Learning has expanded greatly in that time, however the community sits are still brilliantly informative.  There is no choice but to focus on myself, thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  As someone who intentionally ignored my emotions, in my pre-injury life, learning how to deal with everything I'm now afflicted with in a more positiive, nurturing format has been very helpful.  So has keeping regular appointments with a psychologist, though, in any case, it does take a lot if work to maintain and redevelop a positive headspace. Running, and playing outside is also crucial, but that's more because it was engrained in my being, already.

I rarely reach a moment,me here I experience an epiphany, or any type of lesson, thataligns   directly to my self, in present state of being.  Tonight Soryu, our meditation guide, was talking about a mythological tale from mans very early days.  He repeated the phrase 'hear, see, feel' several times in context.  Some cave woman piece of my brain grabbed that, and began finding the words to a song I'd listened to so often, in college.  I immediately had this hilarious image of my closest friend from college, and her boyfriend rocking out to one his favorite heavy metal band.  He would so often raise his pointer, and pinky fingers, thrust his hand above his head, and shout, 'Heavy Fucking Metal!' as if his gods were speaking through him.  And the lyrics to the song I was thinking of, came to me.  'Hear no, speak no, feel no evil.'  Tonight's meditation was so helpful for me, in that I found another missing fragment of my former self, in the rubble.  My brain is always developing, and creating new connections.  In the first few years, I found random pieces of my former identity, quite often, though clearly there are still outstanding holes, whereas these memories are usually triggered by the people in them, or when someone is taking about it.  These days,I look back on college, as a different lifetime.  I may still live in the same city, and have retained many friends from those days, but life has changed so much.  Clearly, acquiring a brain injury  was not in my life plan, but learning to live with a disability is something we never plan to have to do.  Life happens, and you either learn to pick up, and take it on, or you get crushed in any number of ways.

And this is my headspace, after tonight's practice.  It's not always productive, or direct for me, but who knew my former heavy metal rock appreciation, would still serve me, and in my meditation practice?

2 comments:

Marti said...

Good read, Court! You will never be crushed. You have an immensely strong spirit. I'm always impressed with your ability to reflect on your past life while completely ( or almost completely) accepting your new one. I'm so glad you have this great gift of written language. Keep posting!

Love,

Aunt Marti

Julie/Mom said...

I should have read your blog before talking with you last night! Sorry you had to recount it again but I'm always so pleased to see your latest installments on your blog. a good read...THANKS!!
Love you the most,
Mom