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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Writers block...

Serious writers block lately. Not entirely sure why, I've been writing, as I feel it really helps me to sort through my thoughts. Although, I really can't actually bring myself to post anything where I'm unequivocally infuriated with my decisions, and by those around me. Lets be real, injuries, in general, are horrible, because they completely rearrange your way of life, and because you need to readjust. On top of that, the difficulty with brain injuries, is that they can often strip you of your former identity. I can't pretend I'm an authority on this subject, though everyone's mind is affected under trauma, so, it only seems reasonable, right? I know I felt somewhat lost before my injury. By appearance, I really looked like I had myself together. I did well enough in my studies, worked, to support myself, while I put myself through school. What put this stress on overload, was the handful of leadership activities I also participated in. A typical weekday, my senior year began with watching 2 kids, and getting them to school,heading to the farm, where I fed horses, turned tem out, and helped muck out. Every other day, I'd have time to go for a ride. I'd get back to my apartment, with enough time to change, eat, and go to a couple classes. If it was a work day, I'd head tohe hospital by 3, and work until 11. If I wasn't working, I'd be be at he library, at a club meeting, at the gym, or all 3. I never really understood that everyone else wasn't as driven to accomplish so much each day. That is, until I acquired this injury. In college, I could easily surround myself with friends, and people I looked up to. It was a hugely nurturing, and supportive environment. When I sustained this injury, the fact that I thought ofBurlington as a hugely nurturing environment, and that I was in what I thought was in a supportive relationship. Looking back, I've been through so many stages of anger, disbelief, unrelenting fury, and denial, than my mind/soul could possibly realize. Saying it's been a long, difficult journey, doesn't even open the door. I'm quiet in social situations a lot, because I've really been unable to process my own deficits. As they say, "You don't know, what you don't know."

Functionally, and motivationally, this has been an incredible year for me. I discovered what is possible in team work, and as an individual. For those discoveries, I'm so thankful. However, emotionally, this has been the most difficult year I've ever faced. In the last 5 years I lost my identity, my independence, my emotions, countless relationships among friends and family, and one love. Although, I couldn't process much of the impacts these experiences directly had on me. I feel rather foolish or only being able to realize my physical disabilities, although, I believe everything will come in its own time. I've been told over, and over that I need o accept my limitations as they are, and move on. If I had done that 5 years ago, I'd still be under Lund the clock supervision, heel chair bound, and not able to feed myself. That sounds like a very fulfilling life, if nothing else (not).

Over the years, I've worked with some truly incredible therapists, doctors, and counselors. I wouldn't be where I am today, without heir support, and encouragement. Although, as with most situations, I've spent the majority of my injury turning my back to heir views, and ideas, simply because I don't understand them, or because I do not agree with them. In this environment, if you cannot immediately, as in, between breaths, qualify your dissatisfaction, you will be trampled. It happens to me before I'm able to catch myself nearing this type of situation. It's all a learning experience. As is my living situation. In college, this was easy, because we had lots in common, similar budgets, and extremely busy schedules. Now, I struggle to find commonalities with many people, my ideals are relatively intact, I love to be outdoors, and I've developed a strong interest in accessible adventure eduction. These experiences, combined with a new found interest in meditation, and middle eastern culture, primarily meditation, although healing arts in general have become more of a core focus, s time passes. Medicine, as well as government programs have become oo sterile, and I malleable to really benefit people anymore. Our world as become too overpopulated. The world is now so big, that we rely on machines, created to improve speed, and performance. Granted, they complete their tasks as designed, but continue to propagate the impersonal lack of compassion for one-another, that seems to growing more persistently, these days.
Today I attended a group meditation workshop, with my friend Anna, and her father, who is also a long distance runner. I only add that because we agreed there was an assimilation to the mental laxity, you find on long distance runs. Man, I feel like a nerd, writing that I love a port r the mental clarity I gain from it. Yes! Anna has an incredible gift for spreading her appreciation or life, and for getting others to join her in the activities she participates in. Prior o 2 months ago, I knew very little about practicing the art of meditation. She invited me to join a group she attends, in October and I couldn't be more hooked. It allows me to sort through my shredded mess of thoughts I carry around, everything from, 'who am I? To how do I show appreciation, or interest in someone ,I look up to? Or even what is the cat telling me, when he poops not in the box, but 2 feet from it, on the floor? These thing, combined with the stress of my jeopardized government programs, mull my thoughts into a heap of stress, I'd prefer to discard, as opposed to untangle, and properly deal with. Social values are so profoundly different amongst each person, and I've learned that through meditation, I can salvage many of my old defining principles, while also learning to appreciate the joy brought by others around me. I feel slightly corny writing this, but I was unwillingly forced to stop, and start over in life, and that has taught me more about life, in 5 years, than I I deviously ever imagined possible.



Julie/Mom said...

good to know your fantastically maliable brain is so accomodationg. You always have perceived things in a "different light", now it's just official.
Your doing a fine job rej-adjusting to the world and a new life. Keep up the good work!
Love you the most!

Dad said...

A lot said here. I'll comment on the meditation as I have started doing it this fall too.

So, regarding corny, I don't think so! When you open your mind to new ideas, in this case old cultures and their ways of thinking, I would say you are being progressive forward thinking.

If one of the benefits is learning how to manage your minds thoughts better, Wow, you are way ahead of the game!

I hope to join you and and Anna and her Dad on one of my visits.