After the meeting, I headed to outdoor gear exchange to ask about fixing a tear in a down jacket. I got what I needed, but not before being swayed by a deal on pro meal bars. They taste amazing, and have saved me from 'hangry' siituations. I then trundled down Chrurch st. to grab the bus I needed to get to PT. As I was seething over my ATM card not working, for no apparent reason,a young man walked by turned around, and came back, said "I LOVE YOU, I have a mental disability, but you need to know I love you!' Normally this behavior frightens me, and get I feel angry because I can't flee quickly. But this was really sweet, and made me smile. I caught by bus, feeling great.
I made it to PT, and started with a great session. I was moving fluidly, even doing my push-ups felt good. I was having a hard time with my right shoulder though. Nearly every motion was more painful than norma. l My PT suggested we try electric stimulation to loosen up the joint. It's a bizarre tingling sensation, but as he increased the frequency I started to freak out. Tears began streaming down my face, and I felt frightened. The more intense the stimulation got, the more it reminded of these sensation in my heart, when I got shocked 107 consecutive times by an internal defribilatof, whose lead detached, ans shocked me consecutively, until I could be transported to another hospital, with a means of deactivating the device. I rarely think of it, these days, and had no idea, anything as as simple as pulsing therapeutic pad on my shoulder could ever give me a panic attack. I tried to tell myself I was safe, and it was impossible for me to have another shock from a defibrillator. as I no longer have one. I didn't have the mental ability to deal with that situation, and when I felt the stimulation on my shoulder, it all came back. I asked Ray, the PT, to tell me a story, but he couldn't start before I completely lost it. I'd hoped that distraction would get me through, but I lost my cool, I couldn't even hear him, and suddenly demanded he take it off my shoulder. I slowly calmed down, as he took it off my shoulder, but the trauma of that incident was still so fresh. They tried a heating pad, instead,and the pain lessened. As soon as I got to the locker room, my emotionalal dam burst, and I called a couple people for a ride, but couldn't get anyone. So I caught the bus. As I walked back to my apartment, from the bus stop, I realized that even though I didn't receive a blunt force traumatic brain injury, my injury, I still harbors plenty of trauma, that I've been unable to deal with. I hope that the fear attack, I had from the electronic stimululator was a one time resurgence of the greater difficulties surrounding my inpatient days. Those are not days I'd wish upon anyone. I was extremely fortunate to have the support of family, and friends, which is absolutely why I still look for the best outcome, and still push for it.