How to say goodbye?

Today was an average day, in my present life.  Honestly, I feel lost, and without a direction.  Last time I felt this way, I pulled up everything, and left.  It was the middle of my fall semester junior year.  My head wasn't in the game, so, I found something, I knew I loved, and left.  I went to UVM, because I had a dream of becoming an equine veterinarian.  By my junior year, my grades were not phenomenal, in the Math, and science department.  My appretation of supporting myself, and doing every activity I found remotely interesting, left me little time to study, practice, or really become excellent, at one thing.  I couldn't see that, then, and while I don't regret my life choices, I wish I had a clearer vision for what I hoped to do with a degree, in communications.  I studied biology, to get into vet school, and later switched to communications, as it came more naturally to me.  I.e, I didn't want to senselessly pound my head into a physics, or calculus text, I could wrap my head around.  I just forced myself to keep trying, because I wanted to he's. Wounded, or sick horses.  Finally, I reached a place where I realized I needed a change, and time, to decide if this was the right path.  So, I found a job, doing farm labor, exercising, and grooming horses for a British Olympic hopeful equestrian.  Those days were simpler, they hired me. Asked on the experience I told them I had.  3 weeks later, I found myself on a massive horse farm, riding 5 horses a day, observing lessons, cleaning up more horse poop, than I care to think about.  We worked from 7 am until 7pm, most days, but everyday passed entirely too quickly, whether it had been fun, or not so.  I changed a lot, in that year, as it was first time supporting myself, taking responsibility, for my choices about school, and the money I'd wasted, that fall semester.  Eventually, I had to return, and face my world.  That meant deciding how to finish school.  I ended up switching majors to communications.  I did quite well with it, provided I was interested in the course.  I worked the hardest at the subjects that interested me the most, and the others, I pulled through, begrudgingly.

I'm now realizing, I still live like that.  I focus on what I like, and try to begrudgingly get through the other stuff.  I spent the last 6 years arguing with doctors, therapists, amd case managers, to get what I thought was best, or what I needed.  Sometimes, I learned that I didn't know as much as I would've liked, and other times I learned that I needed to create ways to get around problems.

There was one person, that remained a constant, in my life of unknown people, and outcomes.  In 2008, I met a woman, Kim Patton, who was going to be the occupational therapist, I worked with, from then on.  However, she was field based.  In the early days she helped me secure community based volunteer positions, and was committed to ensuring that I stayed active in the community.  Naturally, my personality clashed with hers, on a regular basis.  She was an incredible mom figure, and if you know me, gracefully accepting assistance, is not something I excel at.  The majority of our working relationship, she'd toss out ideas, and I'd immediately disregard them, or just blindly shoot them down.  Looking back, she worked tremendously hard, to ensure her clients received the best care.

Last year, it became evident she was battling, a particularly harsh medical condition.  We suspected it was likely cancer, but it was like the dead horse in the room, I wasn't about to openly inquire, if she wasn't interested in sharing these details.  She was always so,open, with regards to her family life, and she was still working, so, I didn't put much thought into it.  She transitioned off my case pretty informally, last summer.  I can't even recpllect our last visit.

Today, I met up with a friend/ previous aide from the early days.  She called while I was out running, to push our meetup, a bit later.  I contined on, came back, changed, ate, and she arrived looking pretty upset.  When she asked me to sit, I felt my chest seize in fear.  I had no idea what news she had, but I knew it wasn't good.  She told me that she'd just heard from Kim's husband, and that she'd passed away, the day before.  I felt engulfed by a wave of sorrow, and regret.  I certainly wouldn't be where I am today, without her pushing me, and leading me towards a path of acceptance of my new path.  For that I will always be thankful.  Looking back, I wish I'd shown her more gratitude, when I had the opportunity.

She lived, a driven, caring, and compassionate life, my heart breaks for her family, but I'll remain forever grateful for the progress she helped me reallize.  May you rest in peace, Kim.

... (spooky-scary)

A great friend of mine got married Sunday.  Weddings are an annual, or biannual event, at this age.  I met Colleen in high school.  She was a tomboy at heart, and enjoyed running around in the Maine woods, despite being raised to be a lady.

I have always had this fleeting memory making a pact, or promising I wouldn't think of getting married, until ic was 30.  Funny thing was, I couldn't remember which one of my girlfriends I'd sworn. That pact with.  5 years ago, when I had someone to love, and the subject occasionally surfaced, my deeper subconscious paid me rare visits, but, I recall thinking, 'I didn't want yo get married until my 30's, and yet, I have no idea why.  If I've found love now, I want to hold on to it!'  Funny, how that didn't work out...

When Collen got married this past weekend, I saw her write something about having made a pact at 15. Not to marry until she was 30, and all of those memories, as well as many past struggles and tormenting emotions, surged in.  I realized I've never dealt with my emotions, since this happened to me.  I saw a therapist I didn't trust, on an emotional level, for almost 4 years, ack!  I never learned. To deal with my emotions properly, as a kid either.   I held everything in, until one, tiny thing, pushed me past my tipping point.  Sunday, I learned that I still do that.  I never actually dealt with my feelings, when Sean moved.  Instead, I threw myself back into school, and a class I didn't understand.  I was so far out of my league, at that point, I got lost in my phobias and misunderstanding of that class.  I remember that fall, because I dropped 10 pounds, that I did not  have to loose, and felt nauseous at every meal I ate, in my then living situation.  

When I moved, at the end of the year, it was the fresh start I needed, to get away from everything I associated with Sean.  That progression allowed me to cover up those feelings, without actually dealing with, or confronting them.  All of sudden I felt as if I'd been flattened by a Mac truck, of emotions, and feelings, I haven't dared , or even had the capacity, to approach, since the onset of my injury.  I went to meditation class that evening, to attempt to deal with myself.  I've been having difficulty adjusting to the visiting leader.  I loose focus constantly, and failed to consider that fact when I went.  Trust me, 90 minutes of guided meditation, often flies by, but I couldn't find home base, that night.  It was more like 90 minutes of my inner psyche, attacking itself.  Everything from interactions I could recall with Sean, to why I'm so unhappy with myself for not being gainfully employed, at this present moment.  It's rather unsettling to have your past, and present, attack at the same time.

I went to the track Monday afternoon, and pushed myself to faster, than I think I can.  For the very first time, since I started doing my escapes at the track, I got winded.  I've never, independently reached that point of physical stress, since incurring this injury.  So, that felt awesome.  While, I did, what I refer to as my run on the track, a frisbee team, came out, to use the field.  I must've listened to them chant something that sounded like, "ti-go-wanna-comfa-UVM" 10 times before I heard, "Here we go, UVM!"  So bizarre, how phonetics work...  It was a great distraction, though.  When I hit 3 miles, I stopped to stretch.  I'm touching my toes, when I hear, C-Blaaaaize!"  That was a nickname, I got in college, generally from my outing club friends. I knew who it was immediately, which I can rarely, to never, say when I'm out, and about.  My mindset falls back into college mode, relatively easily.  I think because, I really understood it, and where my life was headed.  When I acquired this injury, I lost everything that made me who I was, including my mind.  Stringing it all back together, hasn't been easy, or glamorous,but, in the end, you need all of those things, to know who you are- passions, furies, intolerances, glories, and so on...

I completely changed gears, from jogging at the track, to head over, and take part in a group called, Monday Night Kirtan.  It's basically a group of people coming together, to make music, and sing in chants.  All of the people are extraordinarily positive.  When I began going, I immediately appreciated the mindset of many of the folks I met, which enabled me to make more connections within the group, and continue or take part.

The progression of my recovery isn't normally, a vision, I can readily access.  However, when I realize. I have the opportunity to process the progression I've made, I feel I need to use that clarity, to help put things back together for myself.

All that said, congratulations to Colleen, and Adam, on your wedding!

Maine Marathon

The slogan this year was, "The way a marathon should be".  That's a clever play on, 'Maine, the way life should be".  Which is is the state slogan.  My favorite t-shirt, from years ago, said that.

My dad came up to Vermont, Friday  night.  We made some dinner, and planned out the weekend.  He ran some errands, while I continued gathering everything, I might possibly need.   Oddly, I forgot one crucial thing.  My toothbrush.  Yuck.  I did get one there, but I was so bummed when I couldn't find it.

We enjoyed an amazing meal with my friends Val, and Abe.  Fresh veggies, sweet potato hash, and pasta with pesto.  There was a lot of antagonizing going on, while dinner was cooking.  Another friend, Hazel showed up, and we all ate this wonderful meal, and caught up.  We talked about a wedding, of a close friend of ours from high school.  I'd suddenly become, the only one, not attending.  Due to error, in not booking my tickets.  They decided to bring me in spirit, and in photographs,  it was one of those ideas that sounds great in the moment, but that you doubt will ever really occur.  Although, I was pretty sure, it would happen.  These ladies, are doers.  I wish I spent more time around them, for that reason.  I've spent 6 years living life where people talk about stuff they never actually get around to doing.  These gals are my best friends, and I know they do what they say, no matter how ridiculous.  And, I love them for it.

It was an early to bed, early to rise type of night.  We got up at 4:30 to start at 6:30.  It's a truly beautiful course, especially, at day break.  The first 2 miles are along a cove, and open water.  It's my favorite part, as it's just getting light, and you catch the first glimpse of the sun rising, over the water.  Everything is peaceful, and quiet, at that hour.  We continued on,and ran into a cyclist volunteering for the race, Roy.  He was the same man, who'd accompanied us last year too.  It was great to see a familiar face, on course.  We all continued on, me pushing the jogger, my dad running backwards, and Roy, going back, and forth, until we got into the pack, that is.  Around halfway, we started seeing a lot more runners, and had people consistently passing by, the rest of the way.    After I turned around, I heard  my name, and knew it must be someone I'd recognize.  I got mauled in a hit and run bear hug, by my childhood eye doctor.  I'd seen her at the gym in June, and we'd talked about this race, but I'd forgotten until that moment.  That was pretty unbelievable!  The top marathoners zoomed by, as we knew the end was fairly close.  The day before, the race director had mentioned the name of the guy projected to win, Robert Gomez.  I stood there thinking, I know that name, weird.  Eventually, I realized, it was because we were on the same cross country team, in high school.  So weird.  I never actuallysaw him, except as a blur passing by, but he did win the race.  Another member of the XC team from high school, was there too.  Medomak Valley represent.  I saw Darren passing too, but didn't really get to day hi.  This is a huge event, I never expect to see people I know.  I had my own surprise, of awesome friends waiting at the finish.  In the last mile, or two, my childhood best friend, Amy, and her boyfriend Jason, were walking out, and they brought us in.  I was so relieved to finish, as I was starving, and just wanted some pizza.  For whatever reason, pizza is the post race food, I've come to crave.  Crazy.  It's one of the few times I even eat pizza.  It normally doesn't call to me.  Hazel also came down to join us, and  had just found out she passed her nursing boards, that morning, so there was celebration all around.  

We hung around briefly, talking to local press,and food vendors,and made a plan to meet up in a couple hours for lunch, at a Portlannd hotspot, Gritty Mcduffs.  It's basically a pub that serves local Maine brews, and great fesh, grill style food.  Yum, after a great race, and visiting with great friends, we headed  back to Vermont, though not before stopping at a local donut shop, 'The Holey Donut'.  It came highly recommended by Val, and Abe.  When I heard about the chocolate, sea salt flavor,  I knew I had to stop.  Thankfully my dad was in a similar mindset.  He also got a gift certificate for Val and Abe, as they'd spoken so highly of it.  I knew that would be a fun thank you note to receive!  Yum, I could go for a donut right about now.

Looking back, the race went pretty smoothly.  Obviously, the only thing I'm actually racing are my uncoordinated limbs.  It's like a neverending  contest for my feet to get safely back on the ground.  The joy, and anticipation I have for this event, is boundless.  Though, of course I look forward to the day I can do the full marathon, sans jogger, though for now, accomplishing 13.1 still feels like a major feat.  I'm so thankful to everyone who helped make this happen for me!

 

All in a 'fall'day

Today began in normal fashion.  I got up, a bit after 7,  got my running gear on, and foraged in the kitchen.  I was excited to find a remaining chocolate croissant, in the fridge.in my mind, any day that begins with chocolate, is a good day.  Little did I know, that theory would be tested.  I got my things together, and Marc, my roommate/ live in aide appeared to a announce he was getting the car.  I was hastily throwing turkey on some bread, for my lunch.  To be thorough, it was an avocado hummus, turkey, lettuce, and smoked bacon sandwich.  Yum! It's such a lifesaver, to live with someone as helpful, as Marc.  I can take the bus, however, it takes 3x as long, to get to a destination 4 mile away.  When I first suffered this injury, I couldn't bear to entertain the idea that the next however many years of my life, I'd be faced with depending on others for everything.  Oddly, the more independence I regain, the more frustrated, and sometimes angry, I become when kindly, but unknowing souls, offer me help.

This morning, I enjoyed a more coordinated than usual session in PT.  my muscles complained a bit more than usual though, as I was just coming back, after 2 weeks, away.  Ray, the therapist, I work with, has developed a unique routine for me, that majorly focuses on strengthening muscles I need to maintain my balance.  I get to haul a sandbag around, twist every way possible, while bearing weight in my arms, do sit-ups, push-ups,among other exercises.  I'm slow, and my movements aren't coordinated, but, I always feel as if my physical abilities, are improving.  It's not something I really notice day to day, but usually, after PT, I head for a run on the bike path, as they're located on the path.

Moving along, I was appreciating the sunshine, and trying to remember to be thankful for the opportunities I do have in my life right now.  I planned to run 7 today, so, I hit the path, ran to what I thought was the end, though, today, I learned it is not, it actually turns left, and away from the lake.  Anyways, I ran to my goal point, and turned around for the jog back. In the last mile I put my foot in a divot, my brain wasn't prepared to handle, and I won't down, on my face.  It was so fast, I couldn't save my face, I quickly sat up, huddled in a ball, against the fence.  I knew I had to get it together, to get back, but I could feel that I'd chipped my teeth, and I don't deal with the cosmetic injuries well.  Generally because, I know it looks terrible, and I'll be forced to explain my face, everywhere I go.  I sat in my sobbing ball of self pity for a few minutes, until, I heard a cyclist stop to inquire if I was okay.  By then, I was horrendously embarrassed, and still mad at myself, for tripping.

I raised my bloody, tender face, and said that I was, but I was also quite angry.  The man, said that was understandable, but he needed to ask me some questions.  I didn't want to talk, as my lips were tender, and bloody, but I answered the 5 typical concussion questions: name, age, birthday, current location, where I'm from.  There was no one to confirm my answers, but I had no trouble, although, I had to explain that I have aphasia, and how I speak, IS my normal voice, he handed me a towel, to clean my face, and advised I stand, to reduce swelling.  I wasn't ready too, so I asked him questions, and I learned about what he does, graveyard caretaker, which I found surprising, as I'd assumed he was in the medical field.  He'd been a personal care taker, until his parents took ill, and I felt very grateful he was such a talker.  He wanted to walk me back to safety, so, we walked back to On Track, where I'd started.  I thanked him for his help, and concern, and prepared myself to show my face among people I did know.  I went to the locker room, and inspected my mouth.  I have fun  abrasion above my mouth, swollen lips, and dented teeth.  I immediately grabbed my phone, to call the dentist.  Last time I damaged teeth, I went through, a terrible process of finding a dentist, and paying for 'cosmetic work' as the state doesn't cover that type of stuff.  Little did I know, I had dental insurance.  Needless to say, it was a learning process.  Today, I called the dentist I see here, and they got me in for 9am tomorrow. Easy.  Guess I have learned something's along the way.

I've beed doing a lot of reflecting recently, on how much improvements, my brain, and body have made thought this process.  I am so rarely able to look at the big picture, and today, I could, even though, I massacred my face.  So, in that sense there's always something good to come out of any mistake.  Usually, it's an opportunity to learn something, so, at least there's that...

No Barriers- what's within you, is stronger than what's in your way!

So, how's life after rehab. you may ask.  To be blunt, everything feels the same.  There should be a more definitive transition program.  I Say no to a lot of things.  It's like  an instinctual program for my mind, and I wish there was social rehabilitation.  Meeting new people, or seeing acquaintances can feel pretty awkward, especially because I forget that it's harder for me to speak clearly now, and when there is so much to take in, I forget to watch listeners faces, to discern if they're having trouble understanding me.  I always question my undeniable enthusiasm for new people, and new situations, the second I arrive.  Though, I'm always immediately reminded how generous, and thoughtful people can be.  I got on the bus, ate whatever I could find in my day pack for an on-the-go breakfast, and took in the splendour of the scenery going by.  I talked to the young couple behind me, mostly about where each of us was from.

After 45 minutes or so, we pulled into a rec. area, at what appeared to be a very small glacial 'lake'.  In Maine, we say pond, if you can see each edge of he body of water.  I was not about to go there though, as I didn't want to seem ungrateful, and so on, but initially, I was a bit disturbed by the lack of space, our group of 20-30 had on the water,  as a lot of it was clearly divided off for a dam.  Dam it!

I was pretty excited when I realized paddleboarding was a option.  It's really big in Burlington, and I've  never gotten around to checking it out.  Mostly because I know I could never paddle, while standing on a board on the open water.  My balance wasn't that good, before I had my injury. I tried surfing, fell off the board, got my feet, when the wave literally put the board in my mouth.  Funny, I never tried again.  I also had a I wind-surfing board, I liked to try to stand on, on the lake, I fell off that more often than I stood on it.  I will never know why people thought I was a cool college kid, I fell, and bruised myself so often, it's not so dis-similar from life now.  Guess I can't hide fom it, I'm a walking klutz, born, and bred.  

Needless to say, when I jumped at the chance to try paddleboarding.  These people who work in the adaptive field, realize how important it is to start off small, and work your way up.  My personality, is go big, or go home, in terms of outdoor activity.  It's not terribly unreasonable, but when, it just doesn't occur to me to work my way into things.  Which, I should realize, however, rarely do.  It was a genuine revelatation, when the guide suggested I try kneeling kneeling on the board.  Knew it may be able to Mage st anding for maybe 10 seconds, but if I tried to paddle, I'd  be in the drink.  When my balance is compromised, my body freezes, which actually causes me to fall, rather than not.  Therefore, I was all about kneeling on the board.  I loved every minute paddling around on hat pond-err, lake.  Although my Kees began to complain, and I needed to check out the kayaks.  We came in, and I immediately got into a kayak.  It was slightly frustrating that I had verbally state my prior paddling experience, mostly as it was windy, and I could tell they weren't hearing me.  I started to loose myself to my emotions, until, I just went and t in the boat, and paddled away from other people.  I went out to he do not cross line, paddled back a bit,took in the scenery, and began to reintegrate with the group.  I was so thankful for the space, as I'd really needed it.  Once I rejoined the group of paddlers, I was myself again, and met a few people, until we were all called in or lunch.  It was also pretty apparent a storm was rolling in.  It looked far off, but I was disappointed when it was decided we should call it a day.  We scarfed down brown bag lunces, and waited or the bus to return.  Eventually, we all ended up finding seats, in program vehicles.

That day, I'd dropped my phone in Kristen's car, and not realized.  I was upset, as I didn't know how to reach reach nyone I was staying with.  I tried to remind myself not to get upset, or panic, and amazingly enough, I didn't.  One of the staff at Telluride adaptive, kindly brought me to their office, and called the on site No Barriers 'office'.  We had to be creative in dealing with security measures in places.  I don't know what it is about smarty pants, on the other side of tht phone, but dealing ith her sent me right back into my angry place, and I shut down.  Somehow, contact was made, and I was able to meet up with Kristen and George, at the resort Starbucks. So grateful!

I went for decaf, as angry, nd hopped up on caffeine do not mix.  Met a few new people there, but I felt so relieved when Kristen, and George appeared.    I did find my phone, under the seat, later on.  Not my day, although dinner was fun, as I ran into so many people I'd met with different adaptive groups.  It took an hour to stand in line, and get food, but you hardly realized any time went by, as there was so much going on all around.  I was so excited to see Amy Purdy, as I'd met her, at my first trip to No Barriers, at Winter Park, 2 years before.  No Barriers is such a unique community, as once you start coming to these summits, the idea of not attending he next one, is not an option.  It was so incredible to see familiar faces everywhere.  That brightened up my evening.

As soon as we returned to the condo, I collapsed  onto my bed, and didn't rise again, until 6:30.  Before my alarm, it never happens.  I hit the shower,and was somehow ready to leave, an hour later.  We headed for the favoured breakfast spot, Maggies.  Amazing morning sunlight, delicious pastries, and great selection of fruit.  Yum!

That was Saturday, we headed to our meeting spots, although, I'd misplaced my schedule.  I felt like I'd lost my mind, on this trip.  For 6 years, I've learned to depend on others, to help me keep it together.  I felt as I'd been smacked in the face, and sent back to start.  Loosing my schedule meant that I confused when/where I was supposed to be.  I did rock climbing that morning.  When I'd signed up for ambulatory rock climbing, I missed just how ambulatory you needed to be.  I found myself looking up at a narrow switch back path, of what I'd describe as a mini rockslide.  It wasn't very far, but knew it'd be troublesome to walk up with help.   It ended up that 3 of us walked sideways up this path.  We all made it, by taking our time, and strategizing our complicated moves.  I was so thankful to them, for their assistance.

As I caught my breath from, the mini hike, I got my harness, and helmet on.  That was a slight production, because everyone wants to help.  I eventually, had my turn, on the wall, but as soon as I got on the wall, I snapped, and started refusing assistance.  It was really hard to get my giant sneakers on tiny holds, and look for new holds to move to, while climbing.  I felt as if I was taking hours to inch my way up the wall.  I loved climbing, before my injury, but the passion wasn't there for me that day.  It was my first time on actual rock, since college, and it felt great, but, I hadn't expected to have such a hard time strategizing my moves.  Then again, I forget, I have this injury, that makes everything physical, far more challenging than I think.  Especially now, that I've progressed in so many other areas.  

After the climbing expedition,  I remembered I'd signed up to go horseback riding, so I got on that bus. I was very excited to go for a ride.  By the time, I got on the horse, I ready to gallop off, over the hills.  Instead, I walked the horse in large rectangle, in a field, with the other riders. On every turn, someone made a comment, about how I must be a rider.  I was really surprised.  I am a rider, and I know what I'm doing, but I didn't expect my brain to be able to tell my muscles what to do, as it had been a year.

Riding is my biggest passion, I love horses.  Unfortunately, they're extremely expensive, and require many things I lost, such as transportation, and income, to keep around.  I wasn't able to get it together to ride in CB again, so I was happy to be on a horse at all.  I don't see them, in my day to day life now, so, I don't always think about what I miss about them.  I spent the first 17 years of my life, with them, and never reallize the hole they've left in my heart, until I'm around them again.

We plodded in a single file line, down the trail, and could hear thunder in the distance.  In that moment, I recollected my schedule.  I'd wanted to ride in the morning, because I learned last year that storms roll in, in the afternoon.  But, in that moment I was happy, it'd worked out that way, because Kristen wanted to skip Sundays activity, and I'd been signed up to ride Sunday morning.  We all began to turn around, to make way for the barn.  The forests were gorgeous, elegant, old trees, a winding path, crossing a stream, I wanted to last forever.  But alas, it ended, around the next turn, and we could see the barn.

When we returned to the ski resort, I got a message, I should take the gondola, down to town.  I had to ask several people to find it.  The view was amazing, but I felt weird, getting on alone, with 3 couple in the gondola.  They were tourists from all over, enjoying the scenery  Colorado has to offer.  It was a quick ride, they were all very nice.  But, now I had to find my way around a new town.  I'm not used to being alone, in new places anymore.  I kept asking people, as I walked.  It didn't take long to find people who knew where 'Old Gold', a bar, and expensive restaurant, was.  I eventually found them drinking, a tacky, red drink in martini glasses.  They insisted I try one, and in first said no, as I wanted to eat, before I drank.  They had appetizers, so I picked at then, while anxiously awaiting the food trucks, I had tickets for.  An hour passed, and I tried the devis kiss, drink.  It reminded me of sugar, and menthol.  Lovely, but, it filled my stomach, for a brief moment.  We made our way down the street, to the bar I'd originally gone to, to find them.  They have the same name.  Still, no food trucks.  I had some water to start, and soon moved on to another drink, as the intense hunger returned.  Why I never left, to go get food at a restaurant, I don't know.  I know that alcohol, and brain injuries don't mix.  That's why I don't exceed 1-2 drinks, and make sure I eat, and drink a lot of water.  It's not something I miss, so I don't usually fall off the wagon.  But, when that's all there is to fill my hungry stomach, that's how I filled my stomach.  I'm not ptoud of my choice, but it did help with gnawing hunger..

It, however, didn't help me be more sociable.  I just sat in the booth, and tried to respond, when spoken to.  I remember seeing this guy, I've had a riciculous crush on, since the mont I saw him, last year.  I didn't get up, and barely responded to his comments.  Not my finest moment.  When we finally headed back to the condo, I ate everything I could find, which wasn't much.  It was strange for me, I used to love to go out, meet people, party, and now I try to even like it, but, it's really scary to let go of mind, now, because I lost it, for so long.  I was so relieved, as I got to sleep, that night.

The next morning was Sunday, our last day.  We had closing ceremonies to attend, and a final activity to take part in.  However, it had been agreed, the final activity should be skipped, to allow us a more reasonable return time.  We enjoyed breakfast a bit too long, and then were in a mad tear to make closing ceremonies.  I got let out at the building, as I take more time to walk.  I found an open door, and fortunately walked tight into the full auditorium.  It took me a moment, but, I felt so relieved to see. A few open seats together.  As I turned in that direction, I saw Amy Purdy, a double amputee, from surviving Meningitis.  We met at the last summit, in 2011, and I'd really wanted an opportunity to catholic up, and hear more about her experiences.  She joined the US Paralympic snowboarding team, and is training for Socci next year.  She has come so far, and has this spectacular perspective, it felt likesuch an honor to get that time with her.

The speakers  were all enigmatic, and told inspiring tales, of courage, drive, and, of course enthusiasm.

Many people were recognized for their work within the organization, and others for truly impressive feats, of courage, and physical stamina.  For me the speaker I recall, most of the story about. ,and had  already been looking forward to seeing, was Kyle Maynard.  My aunt and I had met him, while grocery shopping, at the summit, in 2011.  He, and a friend, Billy, had a similar idea, and the conversation began.  I remember how impressed I was, that they'd approached us, as Kyle seemed to know everyone at the summit, that year.

Acquiring this disability, has really changed how I see myself, and the rest of the world.  From when I   realizedwhat I was facing, back in 2007, I knew it was now a solid, steady goal, to reform the connections I'd lost.  It has literally taken until now, to realize I will never be who I was, before this injury.  Though, I've learned, that this is who I am now, and there's nothing wrong with that.  Were all different' and unique, in our own ways.  Having the opportunity to participate in events like this, has shown me that the keys to happiness are in pursuing your passions, and maintaining a close group of family, and friend. it's such a beautiful perspective, one that I hope follows me thought life! 

No Barriers- what's within you, is stronger than what's in your way! (Getting there)

Where do I even begin?- The travel process

Flying out to Colorado has become a biannual event for me, in the past 2years anyways.  I love flying there as I pick up an extra  couple of hours.  It was a wicked early Wednesday morning flight to Chicago.  Actually the flight was at 740, but I woke up at 4, thinking I was beyond late, as my alarm hadn't gone off.  My roommate/ live in aide heard me crashing about, and just as I realized I was an hour ahead of schedule, Marc appears, keys in hand, and announces he's getting tithe car, and walks out the door.  I'm in the car before it occurs to me, I'll be sitting the tiny Burlington airport for 2.5 hrs, as I've been throgh it enough now, it takes less than an hour to go through security, and find the gate.  So, I sat in the terminal and watched the sunrise, and eagerly awaited the time the coffee cart opened.  An hour quickly passed on Facebook, and people watching, mostly Canadians, and trying to decipher their conversations from each rare word I could translate.

One of the 'perks' of a disability, is getting to board first, and not having to feel personally responsible for holding up other frustrated, intolerant passengers, and also the kind, forgiving ones too.  This trip I chose to travel with my hiking pack, from a different lifetime.  I can walk with it, although I can't recommend carrying a pack, and a cane.  People like airport personnel freaked out a bit.  I prefer to save a buck wherever I can, and really have little shame about what people will think, so, off I went, trekking about the airports.  My loss of peripheral vision is a real asset here, as I don't usually notice gawkers.  I have to say my mental vision of using my pack was stellar.  Though, I didn't account for the genuine concern, I'd bring upon myself.  I chose to use my pack for its vertsatility, comfort, and ease.  However, I did not consider that wearing my pack, and walking how I walk might set people off.  I didn't consider how offended people can become, when I decline their well intended, and generous offer for assistance.  I feel as if I'm rude for wanting to carry my own weight, and for wanting to challenge myself.  I checked my bag at the gate, and got it back, when we landed in Chicago.  My layover was extremely short, but they brought to a bus which dropped me off at my terminal.  This was a very strange experience, as being out of doors, and on he Tarmac just seemed unusual, though, it was very easy.  I must say, I was disappointed to have missed the opportunity for lunch.  We actually landed early, in Denver, however, only by minutes.  I had to set about finding assistance to get to the correct exit, to meet my friend, Kristen.  Someone from United, was kind enough escort me, and my pack over to baggage claim.  2 subway rides, and some trekking later, I finally met up with Kristen, a friend I'd made last year, doing an adaptive paddling trip.  Kristen was born with a condition called cerebral palsy, which I didn't know anything about.  I'd heard unimpressive stories about severe cases, but I lacked a general knowledge regarding cause and effect.  I learned that we are both survivors of oxygen deprivation.  The difference is how and when.  I learned that CP is created when the fetus loses Oxygen for a prolonged amount of time, during delivery.  Therefore causing brain injury.  Every case, as well as each injury, is different.  Kristen is an inspiration for me, in terms of having forged a path through the professional, and academic world.  I'm desperate to go back to school, but seem to lack the tenacity, and ability to formulate a roadmap for myself to do so, although, good new I just received medical documentation that I'm of sound mind, for academic purposes.  Next, is the GREs!  

Getting back on track, we grabbed a quick lunch at Arby's, a place I only know for its curly  fries, from the age of 7, or so.  Kristen dropped me off at her house, and returned to work for the afternoon.  I puttered around, ate my curly fries, and roast beast.  I quickly grew bored, sitting around, so I walked all around the neighbourhood.  Not much going on.  I knew I needed to be very careful, and vigilant of my surroundings, as there were no defining markers to be found.  I made 2 loops within the general complex, and decided not to push my luck.  I sat on the outside patio, stretching my travel weary muscles, until I heard the garage door open.  Kristen had returned, and we created a plan for the evening.  I was on kitchen duty, preparing road snacks, and baking treats.  After prep. For the trip, the plan was to catch 'Were the Millers' at a local cinema.  I haven't laughed so hard in the movies,, since 'the hangover'.  So funny!

The next morning we set off for the drive to Telluride. Picking up, another friend Kristen's, nearby.  George is a connection of Kristen's, through the paraolympic training facility, for cyclists.  He's blind, which meant I had to be extra contientous in my speaking abilities.  It's hard enough for sighted people who try to read my lips, to better understand my speech patterns.

It was a 6-8 hour drive to Telluride, where the summit was.  I was quite travel weary, when we arrived, around 5.  By the time we got there, I'd realized the quad cane I carry everywhere was missing.  Big oops! I had the great fortune of seeing Ellen Weinmeyer, whose a great family friend, as well as wife to one of the original founding members of No Barriers, Erik Wienmeyer.  Always kind, and thoughtful, she immediately noticed something was missing. She kindly offered to see what she could do to find me a stick to use for the duration of the summit.  As we parted ways, I sincerely hoped we'd find each other again.  I headed into 'innovation village', and immediately saw familiar faces, at the Push America tent.  It was great running into Kyle first off.  I figured I'd see him there, but I couldn't have had better luck running into him, as he volunteered to walk me over to registration.  Losing my cane wasn't much of a problem, when theres a handsome man offering you an arm to get around.  Yes, that was my plan all along...  Kyle helped find the dinner area, after I got my registration materials, and then headed back to his tent.  I found more exceeding helpful people, wanting to fix my dinner plate, and help me to a table.  As I looked for a place to sit, I heard a familiar voice call my name.  I looked to see who it was, and recognized Bob, a man who volunteered to asisst me while doing the summit hike 2 years ago.  It was great to reconnect with him, as I'd hoped to see him again.  If my memory serves me, Bob is a retired physical education teacher from California.  He's very sprye, and chipper, and was wonderful to sit, and catch up for some time.

After dinner, Ellie somehow found a trekking  stick I could use as a cane, for the duration of the summit.  I was so grateful, although, a bit concerned I may accidentally impale a stragner, weiding a sharp pointed stick around,  thankfully, that did not happen.   Opening ceremonies were held after dinner, and I was able to reconnect with Kristen and George there.  I've been so fortunate to get to know so many people from adaptive programs, it seemed a bit surreal, being recognized by so many different people.  I seem to recognize people auditorily, more than by sight.  Although I finally see well again, my memory doesn't hold onto visual images too well.  I literally need to meet most people 4 or 5 times, before I can easily recall  their names, and how I know them.  I've thought that was a detriment of my injury, as its been so difficult to remember so many new people, for so long.  Although, my mom wisely pointed out that I meet so many new people, everywhere I go, it'd be difficult for anyone to keep straight.  Whichever it is, I still feel exceptionally rude when I'm not able to recognize someone.

Opening ceremonies began, and I once again found Kristen, who'd gone back to the condo she'd rented in town, for a number of us to share.Kristen, George, myself, and a mother couple, of whom we saw very little.  Mark was retry sociable, although I only met his wife once in the 3 days we were there. I was tod we had great digs, and then eagerly focused on the introductions, and the incredible stories I heard from truly amazing, and thought provoking people.  I remember 3 speakers clearly, Dr. Hugh Herr, whose disability, I cannot recall, I want to say spinal cord,  from divi to shallow water, though I'm not certain.  I believe he's a very prominent physicist, from MIT.  There was a young woman, named Kate, who'd made a name for herself, as the first female collegiate football player.  She'd been raped by a teammate, her sophomore year at Colorado state, had a quite unsettling story of how her life had been derailed e from that horrific experience.  The speaker I was most stricken by, was Bob Woodruff, anews-reporter from ABC, who'd received a brain injury in the middle-east, while covering a war story. 

Every brain injury is different, as every brain is different, and so on.  Although, he was one of the only I've heard, with somewhat similar complications, from compromised vision, to limb spasticity.  I'd hoped for an opportunity to meet him, though he was only there that evening, and there was no real opportunity, sadly.

We headed into the Colorado night, bound for quiet, downtown Telluride.  Thankfully, it was a 10 minute trip.  The condo was modern, and quite spacious.  Quite a switch from the hotel room, at the resort, I'd planned to be in.  My bags were already in the room, when I walked in.  Amazing!  I was so thankful, as I was so tired.  I couldn't wait to get out for my paddling adventure, the next day.

The end is near...

(heh, of my rehab. program)

Real, personal details have always been difficult for me to express, even before my injury.  Throughout my life, I've been blessed with many great family members, and friends.  In a lot of ways I feel robbed of many of the former relationships I've had, with everyone, from family, to old friends.  Fortunately, many have patiently stood by, but, I always find that hard to remember, when I finally muster the courage to contact old friends, usually from college, and then, either don't get a response, or do, but then they cancel, before we meet, and disappear again.  Making friends was much easier before my injury.  I've changed in a lot ways, though, we all do, just in different ways.

Up until now, I've been so focused on getting myself to a place where I'm comfortable, out in the world.  There have been many amazing souls along the way, the 'grace' I'm told I show, in my situation, has been, in large part, due to the strength, and compassion shown to me, by others.  It's not like any of this has been easy, but, the people in my life have all given me different aspects to appreciate, and look forward to.  Those, all being positive things, are the things I most appreciate, and prefer to center my stories around.

Yesterday, was a purely beautiful day here in Burlington.  My day began with physical therapy.  I've always enjoyed, and looked forward to PT. I've worked with many, over the years, often switching between, to find ones with skills, that match my interests, in terms of rehabilitation.   It really comes down  to appreciating how I can measure the progress, definitively, and the more I do, the more I'm able to do.

I've been going for  a few months, and recently realized, I usually get cut off around this time frame, and this realization, was rather disturbing.  They couldn't give me any answers, but that's probably for the best anyways.

My roommate came to bring to my last team meeting, of which there's been 2 or 3.  Last year, around this time, I demanded both my parents come out, for the last team meeting, and there have been around 8 more, since.  But, unlike that one, and others since, this one, really did feel like the culmination.  I have spent every day of the last 6 years working towards this goal.  It has probably taken, up until this time, to realize that I will always have a brain injury, there's nothing I can do, to get the last 6 years back.  Truthfully, a lot of the experiences have been sullen, unfair, frightening, infuriating, and/ or purely disappointing.  Though, working through those hardships, has made me stronger, and enabled me to believe in myself, again realize anything is possible, depending, on your approach to the problems.   The world isn't black and white, and if you are creative enough to forge your own path, then your boundaries are limitless.    Yes, it might be frustrating, difficult, and even terrifying, but facing the harsh realities in life, but it does does pay off.  The key is to trust the right people, and to believe in yourself.  I'd be a crazy liar if I said I always remember to keep these things in mind.  However, the perspective I've gained from all of my experiences, as a whole, is pretty invaluable, in my opinion. My life hasn't turned out to be anything I thought I ever wanted, but that all depends on how I choose to view my circumstances.  Though, life isn't about getting everything you ever wanted, it's more about making the most of it.  So, the inevitable question, I face now, where to go, from here?

Hitting the big apple

This may have been my first venture alone, and by bus to head out into the world, to visit one of my my closest old time college friends.  She moved from Burlington to grad school in Syracuse NY 3 -4 years ago, and after school, moved to Buffalo.  I've been lucky to see her on annual trips back to Vermont, if I'm there, when she is.  Back in college, I took a year off to work abroad  for an an coming British Eventer,(professional horse back rider).  My friendship with Amber, was one of  the biggest reasons why I decided not to try to transfer. I loved UVM, and felt I got a great education there,  but it rarely felt like the right match for me.  I seemed to do, or run more activities, while trying to do recreational sports abound, and hold a job.  Oh, and attend classes, I went to those too.  Beyond those things,  Amber was also my partner in crime, in the nightlife scene of little Burlington.  I think independent of each other, each us may have lead led more wholesome college careers, but together, as we often were, things had a tendency to get somewhat rridiculous.  We bonded over sharing being only children, with unique family situations.  We were good in the best of times, and the worst of times.  When I suffered this injury, she helped begin the fundraising initiative, 'Support for Courtney' and brought people together, to start getting people into action, for a unique assortment of fundraisers, and social gatherings.  The idea took off, and other friends joined.  That money was extraordinarily helpful, and went towards hyperbaric therapies, and supplemental Physical therapy, majorly.  I will forever be indebted to her, and all the incredible friends that came together, to come to my assistance, when I needed them the most.  The idea took off incredibly well, given the time frame.  More, and more friends joined in, taking on more projects, of various sorts. I will be forever indebted to this group of amazingfriends.

Now that she's moved to NYC, I knew I could   get there pretty easily, as direct buses run everyday.  We planned a weekend, and her boyfriend, Kieth, met me at the bus stop, and took me on an underground tour, as he navigated us back to Sunnyside, the area they live in.  I love visiting the city, but I don't know if I could survive there, everything moves so fast, whereas, I do not.

We made it to their apartment, which was a great size, considering it was a one bedroom.  They had a lot more space than I'd expected.  Also, they have 3 kitties, 2 of which are constantly underfoot.  The main reason I'd gone down, was a) to reconnect with them, but also b) for a kind of housewarming party, on Saturday.

That evening when Amber returned, we jumped into devising plans for the evening, and ended up meeting another UVM friend, Chris, who just finished his law degree, and was leaving the city soon.  We all used to be very close, so it was really fun to all have an evening out, like old times!  Even if going out for drinks now means I can only tolerate a half pint glass of beer, and then water.  After 3 hours of yelling conversation, and catching up, we all went for diinner,  and the recollections from 'back in the day' continued.  Eventually we all had to part ways, but that night was amazing, as it felt like nothing had changed, and I was 22 again.  I know that many people are glad those days are behind then, as everything was so uncertain, but I got stuck on the edge of uncertainty, for all of eternity, at least that's how it feels.

The next morning we piled into the car, with a plan to go to Ambers bank, and then MOMA. (Museum ofetroplitan Art). We hit the bank, and then a convienience store, because I forgot my toothbrush, yuck!  It was a very unique experience, riding in a car, in the city.  In the 4-5 times I've been there, I've always used the subway, to go everywhere.  It was really amazing to see so much of the city.  Kieth dropped us off at the museum, and we waited for him to park.  Unfortunately there was no on street parking, due to a parade, so it took a long time.  In the time waited, Amber was sold on a membership, which seems like a great deal if you plan to visit often.  Art, and culture is  so foreign to my life these days, I could've spent 3 days in there.  It's so amazing to view hand made creations from so many  different eras.  

After MOMA, we relaxed by an urban waterfall, in the shade.  It was a unique concept, and a nice spot to duck into, away from the noisy street.  From there, we piled back in the car, for our next stop, the 9/11 memorial.  Amber is a landscape architect, by trade, so this exhit has been on her must see list, as well.  Again, parking, and finding the site, was more difficult than anticipated.  It was strange how the actual site was so unclear.  Kieth dropped us off where the GPS said it was, and then we relied on the kindness of the people we asked for the nex 3 blocks, to get there. And then, it was a 45 minute wait.  You have to wait or everything there, I felt I'vebecome very impatient, because, with the amount of waiting you  do,  sorting your pans around  the amount of  time you have to wait,  foreign.  Thankfully, it wasn't too long, and we had to wait anyways, for Keith to join us.  Once we we were all together, it took maybe 10 minutes.  And then we had to wind our way through  long and narrow walkways, through security, like at the airport.  I take a long time to get through those machines, but it went more quickly with their help.  Finally we were able to walk into the memorial area.  The property is sparse, and  open, but enclosed by building on every side side. The foundations of each building were transformed into  4 walls of water, collecting, and recirculating at the bottom in a pool.  The outside edges of each memorial, has names of the lives taken in the attacks. It was a very sombre and morose experience.  It brought me back to my 17th birthday. Being ushered back to home room, from a science class, and neing informed our country was under attack.  We were released early from school, but none of us felt like celebrating, so we just hung out, and talked  about loved ones, or people we knew in the city.  I realized I had blocked a lot of the day out, because there was so much distress.  It took me along time to dig up memories from that day.  There was surpringly little landscaping, other than rock gardens, and shrubbery.  Though, the memorial was a beautiful symbol, and testament to the impact of those events.  

Afterwards, we bee lined back to their apartment, as the housewarming party was that evening.  2 of Ambers close high school friends, Marcy, and Rachel came over also.  It was great to reconnect with them as well.  I got to hear all about what they're doing these days, and a out the men in their lives.  I love to reconnect with old friends, but it can be hard sometimes, as they've all gone back to school, or found  real jobs, or just had tons of life experience by this point in their lives.  I mean, we're all different, but I literally don't know a soul with experiences like mine.  That's a great thing, but often it makes it harder to relate to one another.  And, clearly, it makes me envious, becaus with, or without a brain injury, I am so not where I thought I'd be by now.  I never had exact predictions, but living off state funds, fighting my way through a seemingly endless rehab program, is something you never see,  in your minds eye.  But, at least I can still be happy  for my friends accomplishments, as I know they are for mine.

The next morning was my last, but Amber and Kieths work plans had changed, so they left at 4 am, and we tiredly mumbled our goodbyes, and I fell back asleep.  I awoke again around 8, and foraged for breakfast foods, and coffee.  I ate my leftovers from a diiner, found a banana, and waited for the caffeine to take effect.  Then I got ready for the day, packed my things, and excitedly wailed  for my friend Megan to arrive.  She just finished grad school, at NYU, and I hadn't seen her in 2 years, but was so thankful her Monday was free, so that we could catch up.  In college, she dated a friend of mine from the outing club.  I also lived in her house, the semester she studied abroad.  She was kind enough to offer me shelter for graduation too, as I'd just returned from studying abroad.  I have the most amazing friends, and this trip made see that again, which I desperately needed!  It's been pretty difficult to keep up with so many people, unless they contact me.  6 years is a long time to pass before I realize how many friendships I haven't been able to eep up with.

Megan and  I decided to check out high line park, which is elevated, and built on an old, no longer used, elevated rail line, that features views of the Harbor, and far off islands.  The landscaping is gorgeous, and it was mild 75 degree day, at least that morning.  We then headed off to lunch, and our last stop, The Museum of Natural History.  

This was my 3rd trip to NYC.  The first trip, was a high school trip, and  we saw three broadway shows, AMF a holiday themed show with the Rockettes.  Amazing trip, but we pretty much only saw broadway.  The second trip, I came down with Sean to visit my stepsister Marcia, and her husband Derek, before they moved back to Maine.  I remember how badly I wanted to vist them, but I only rember going to Cony Island for hot dogs, and seeing Rock of Ages, off Broadway.  We had a lot of fun, but it was so early in my injury, that my memory of that trip is a bit fuzzy.  I've never had the opportunity to do a lot of sight seeing, like on this trip, but what an amazing city, even if I wouldn't last a day there, on my own.   This trip helped appreciate, and realize again how fortunate I am to have my life be touched by so many amazing friends.

Way up there in "The Forks" of northern Maine, Yessa!

Returning home is a trip we make frequently enough, although this trip began pretty differently.  I'd gone down to Concord, NH to visit a friend, Emily, with another friend, Anna.  Anna had returned to Vermont, while my mom drove down to Concord, to bring me up to Solon, Maine.  I grew up in Maine, and am always surprised to learn of anew town, I haven't heard of, in our great state.  The region is in the deep orth of Maine.  Up Im 'the forks'where 2 great rivers meet.  We did our float on he ighty Kennebec.  My mom and I drove up in the rain, expecting similar conditions throughout the day.  We left around 5:30 am, to be there around 9.  We pulled into the campground, and a woman came out of the main house, after we'd been idling in the same place few moments, as we didn't know where to go,or which cabin we were looking for.  This is something I will always love about rural communities: she fetched an extra set of keys, and brought us to Ross's cabin.  Ross is a old friend of my moms, from when they worked together at !oss tent company, 30 years ago.  All I knew about him, was that he makes the best jam I've ever had, and he's lives in southern Vermont.  It didn't seem like Ross was anywhere to be found, so we decided to drive around, and look for him.  We headed into town, which consisted of a gas pump, and a store called Boats, Bait,  and Guns.  Solid.  Being that we had no luck in 'town' we abandoned the search, and headed back to the campsite.  Oddly, we were behind another car on the way back.  It was the first other driver we'd encountered.  Eventually, I looked at the plates on the car, and realized the car was from Vermont.  Unimaginably we'd found Ross on the road.  We brought our things in, had some coffee, and heard some stories about the man whose memorial we were crashing.  

Then it was time to drive over to The Forks. It's named for where the Kennebec, and the Allagash rivers meet. We were coming down a straight road, and from far off, I could see a large A-frame building, with the words, The Forks, painted on the front.  I sat with my mom in the car, though I abandoned my post when I realized she was sleeping.  I ventured forth into the sea of mourning strangers, celebrating love, and life lost.  I knew I appeared suspect, given my cane, my lack of extra weight, and my age.  I stopped to talk to Ross, who let me know where the nearest bathroom was.  As I made my way into the building, I met Steve's sister, Sue. She directly asked me how I knew Steve, and I had no choice but to look her in the eye, and admit I didn't, but who I did know there, and thank her for her hospitality, and grace.  She seemed to appreciate my honesty, so I offered my condolences, and finally found the bathroom.  Soon after, I attained my life vest, and pre boarded a school bus, so I wouldn't be making others wait for me.  Little did I know, that I'd be waiting there for over an hour.  My mom came, and kept me company, while people ever so slowly made their way to the bus.  By the time around half the people had boarded, some guy gets on announces the decision has been made, to wait for so and so, who are still enroute.  Eventually people arrive, and get their act together, and we depart.  On the bright side, the sun seemed to winning its battle with the rain clouds.

We finally arrived, and made our way to the rafts another company had donated, for the occasion,  family and friends had gathered to commemorate Stephen Longley's life in this way, because he had began the first white water rafting company on the Kennebec.  Appropriately, it was called 'Rolling Thunder'.  When he passed Steve had been longtime known as the ferryman for AT thruhikers, in the last stretch of their hike.  The AT crosses the Kennebec, near the base camp, we began the morning at.  The plan was to float down to where we'd begun.  About 10 minutes into the trip,  we pass, your classic drunk Mainer.  Ross has pulled out cheese, crackers, and of course his jam, when we pass by a fellow standing in his canoe, a cigarette in his mouth, a bottle of Yeagermeister in one hand, and smart talking another nearby raft.  This kd yells to I'm, "hey man, don't fall out"   He whips his head around, yells, and teeters over into the river.  I tarted sighing, to find myself choking on the cracker I'd been eating.  He immediately surfaced, screaming about the 2 pack of cigarettes in his pockets.  Some of the folks in our raft, pulled him aboard, and he introduced himself, as Rosco from Moscow, (a town in Maine.  It only got more entertainining for me, as he sat next to my mom, and hollered endlessly about his Yeager, and destroyed cigarettes.  Thankfully, she also found comedy in the situation, although, when she'd had enough,  she swtched seats to sit next to me.  There were 2 small rapids on the ride, so I was pleased about that.  Eventually, Roscoe from Moscow abandoned ship again, climbing into a nearby passing raft.  I was pretty thankful he'd been along for the ride, as he, without fail, brought humor, and memories on this rating trip.

Later, we returned to the campsite where we were staying.  Ross unloaded plentiful amounts of his Jamtastic jam for us, which is always a welcome treat.  We had grilled Alaskan Salmon for dinner, and heard many, back ithe day type stories.  Ross is a very vivid storyteller, so it was pretty enertaing.  Later, we all retired, well fed, and contended by a busy day.

The next morning we packed up, ate some local fare at a nearby diner, and headed home.

Rocky Mountain High

I've been working on a post about my snow adventures in Crested Butte, CO, with the fab folks at the Adaptive Sports Center. I have so much to say about my incredible experiences with them, I've decided the best way to portray this trip in written form, is in a day-by-day scenario. So here's CB:day one, the travel experience:


Where to even begin? The grandeur of the mountains to the close-knit communities. On my last trip, this past September, I was unbelievably fortunate to receive my airfare from a local supporter of the adaptive sports center. And the remainder of my adventure costs, were covered by family, and friends, through fundraising. Another huge thank you to all, who helped me to participate in this amazing program! Trips like these make me so grateful for the incredible support, I have. Over the years, Ive often begun to feel like I'm losing faith in the human spirit.Leading a government subsided life, is one of the more frustrating, thoughtless, and misguided decisions I've ever made. The more opportunities I have, to step away, the more I realize, it's as if I'm stuck in a trap. But today's entry isn't about that, it's about the incredible spirit, and generosity of others.

Last Thursday, I caught a cab to the airport at 3:30 am. Miserable, right? Well, I thought so. I'm no longer a creature of little, or no sleep. I didn't want to sleep though, for fear of missing my flight. My roommate/Live in aide works nights, so I had to depend on myself to get there. I'm pretty certain of my abilities to plan out a strategy, when normal means of help, aren't available. I called ahead for a cab, and was ready to walk out the door, when they arrived. Victory # 1. I was a bit of a mess at the airport, constantly thinking I'd misplaced my identification, or phone. Awesome. I travel with my own gear, which can get ridiculously heavy. My bag weighed in at 41 pounds, despite being almost my height, and twice as wide, as I am. I regard that as some kind of miracle. I got a nap from Burlington to Chicago. When I deplaned, I realized my connecting flight to Denver was in the same terminal, so I declined assistance, and apparently walked down a half mile hallway. That felt really good, to successfully navigate myself to my connecting flight. I only got knocked over once, that is pretty excellent in my book, when I'm navigating crowded places. Alone, or not. I think a lot of this has to do with my visual processing. I can't get the message to my body, fast enough, that I need to step left or right, to avoid others hurrying by. I even got to grab some frozen yogurt, and a bagel along the way. Fro-yo is probably one of my oldest food cravings. It's always something I associate with travel too. When I got to the gate, they were just getting ready to pre-board. I was pretty pleased with myself. I imagine many of you may regard this as somewhat simple, and not too thrilling, but for me, living in a world where people constantly stepping in to do stuff for me, it was a huge victory for me to be able to navigate O'Hare, on my own resources.

It was a long day of changing planes. In Denver, I had to get help again, like a tour guide for the airport.Denver is very laid back about assistance, which I find so helpful. Denver connected to Montrose, which is very close to Crested Butte. Montrose is a tiny airport. Easier for me. I walked out of 1 of 3 gates, and saw my friend , Maggie, who works with the adaptive Sports Center, in Crested Butte. I met Maggie, about 3 or 4 years back, at Vermont Adaptive. She recognized me, out at an adaptive exposition. No Barriers, in Winter Park, CO. That was a definite small-world moment. Not being one to turn down an amazing connection like that, I find myself in love with the small mountain community. I've live in Burlington for so long, it now seems huge, by comparison. By the time we go back to Crested Butte, I was exhausted. Maggie had to run out, but had asked her friend Tommy to come keep me company, which was very thoughtful. I knew him from past trips, so, it was great to catch up, and watch ridiculous ski movies from the 80's. feel like I was only half-conscious for the second half. I crashed that night, only to wake up confused, about where I was, and to some.beeping. I only remember thinking, "hope that's not a carbon monoxide detector" before falling back asleep. Good thing, it was only a beeper. Maggie's an EMT, and her pager is always active. strangely, I didn't sleep to well, that first night. I thought I'd crash hard from not having slept the night before. I woke up, crazy early the first couple days, which is not, what my body generally does, willingly. My genuine excitement, for the next 4 days, was off the charts, so sleep was last on my list of concerns, at that point.

Crested Butte- You can dance if you want to

Day 1: Life in an ideal setting.
I woke up several times in the night, to a far off beeping. The only thing I remember thinking before falling back asleep: "hope that's not a carbon monoxide detector." Clearly, I'd be helpful to have around in an emergent situation. Apparently, my ability to sleep through a persistent beeping noise, also, still persists. Later, I was getting up, when Maggie's came in, very apologetically, and declared apologies for her beeper. As an EMT, it's always on, and she's learned to sleep through it, if she's not needed. Apparently, so have I. It's more likely that my extreme lack of sleep, made me comatose.
I was psyched for my 1st day on the mountain, and to meet my instructors, as well as, reconvening with he the ladies. Unbeknownst to me, Ladies camp, didn't officially begin until Saturday. I saw Elaine, and Julie, both of whom I knew from the year previous. They are both long-time veterans of ladies camp. This camp feels like a close-knit family, it's members change, each year, but everyone is welcomed. After saying so many hello's, I made it to the area, where all the snow gear is kept. Maggie helped me find all the gear I'd brought. Just as I sat down, I heard a familiar voice, say my name. I looked up, to see Alex, whom I'd met last summer, on Lake superior, in Wisconsin, with Push America. Alex and I had been partners during the tip-test (when you intentionally tip your boat, to ensure you can free yourself from its confines, should your boat ever flip). We both escaped the flipped boat, if you're wondering. He also was kind enough to he me find my gate, at the airport, when the time came to head home. Needless to say, I was pretty psyched to have another connection, right then. Alex was interning with the ASC, and assisting Marc, the instructor I rode with. Marc was a very easy-going, calm, but excitable, type of guy to work with. Right away, I felt at ease talking about my difficulties, where I've been, and previous experiences. We discussed the snow wing, as I'd only used that piece of equipment, last year, with the ASC. I was really surprised, when he told me, he'd prefer to try hand-held assist, at least for he first day, because he suspected my comfort level was the highest, with that type of assistance. That was correct, but, I'd genuinely expected to be asked to try new things. I was relieved, and pleasantly surprised. Last year, I never had the chance to see, or interact with the other ladies, as I never went on the the trails they did, once. I was really surprised, when they brought me up Indian Brook, and Houston, that first morning. Those are 2 of the runs, that I repeatedly heard about, from the other ladies, last year. It was breathtaking to catch glimpses of som of the surrounding peaks, after we'd gotten off the chairlift. For all of the times I must've asked about the elevation, I still cannot recall. I feel like whatever number I drag out my cluttered mind, it would be a great injustice. Being in terrain like this, is breathtaking. Figuratively, and literally. It's a bit like the 'on top of the world feeling' that comes about, when you climb a huge mountain, and are able to see for vast expanses. Not really though, as there were so many surrounding peaks, in eyesight. Still breathtaking though!
  
Right from the beginning, Marc was very adept with providing direction, helping me to prepare my mind, and body, or he adjustments I needed to make, with each turn. Every year I ride, I've worked on linking turns, with hand held assist. This year, more than ever, I've really felt like I'm using the assist, as a security blanket, for my slowed visual processing, and my balance. I need to relearn trust in my own abilities, but that is, really, he hardest part. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I catch edges with Marc, or whomever has my hands, or no matter how many epic crashes I endure (there have been a lot this year), I still have a very hard time trusting my own abilities, or whatever they are, at this point. Nonetheless, when they found a suitably safe place, to Give me my freedom, lost my cool, and my posture disintegrated, and I went down. Repeated that move several times, until I began to get really exhausted. Marc, again helped me get myself down the rest f the slope, while Alex kindly got photos, and videos, on my phone camera. At this point, I'm fairly certain, my phone has a better camera, built into it, then my 5 year old digital camera.

We headed in for lunch, and I bumped into Elaine, and Julie, 2 of the women I knew from last years trip. They're both longtime veterans of the camp. I was really excited to have the opportunity to catch up with them. We each enjoyed plump, juicy hamburgers, before returning downstairs to Adaptive. And, my day wasn't even over yet. Marc and Alex helped me conquer more of the slopes that afternoon. There was plenty more breathtaking scenery, comical falls, and fantastic camaraderie. We headed in, around 4. I couldn't I tell, then, but, as soon as my muscles began o cool off, I knew id worked hard. Maggie concocted a delicious stir-fry dinner, that night, before we rushed across town, to catch a comedy show with a disabled headliner. If I recall correctly, he was living with cerebral palsy, And, had  an unbelievably hilarious method, of making fun of himself. Occasionally, it would get pretty crude, and I found myself wanting to laugh, but feeling like I was crossing a line, if I did. He jokingly described is parenting abilities, responsibilities as man of the house, and even heckled audience members.  All in a good night, if you ask me(maybe, because I was spared from being put on the spot!)                

                                             ,  

Super-duper day of riding freshies

I just wrote that title, and then thought to myself, I don't even know if people still use that term. Gah, it's weird that I've lived here o long, and m so out of touch with local lingo now. Oh well, I still live in this 'city' and live for days like today.
I got an afternoon lesson today. My roommate (properly, live in aid) was kind enough to take me up to Smuggs, in not so great driving conditions. Things were good, until we got close, and the roads weren't well cleared. It got a little tense, but we arrived, all in one, sturdy piece.

I was already to get out there, so we all hopped on the mountain shuttle. The more I get out to snowboard, the more I've begun to pick up on the limits of my abilities, physically, and mentally. The same with running, but snowboarding is vastly more social, because of all the support I need. Right now, my biggest goal is mastering the strength, and coordination to ride without assist. The scariest part of riding alone, is my vision. I see 20/20 now, but my brain cannot process movement, with any speed. I have a terrible habit of looking straight down, when I'm riding without help. I know some of that is from blind spots in my eyes, and it may also be easier for me to focus on an object not in my periphery. My vision difficulties, are an endless subject, even though I know see 20/20, my brain is slower at recognizing the images it takes in. That combines with my innate lack of tut in my physical condition, makes relearning my favorite outdoor activities, relatively frightening. Although, I figure, if I'm not pushing myself to create new y apes in my brain, it's a day wasted. This injury is single-handedly an unfathomable curse, while also, a unforeseen blessing. I realize this, more, and more through every adaptive opportunity, which comes my way.

The 2 you g men helping me at Smugglers Notch, outside jeffersonville, VT, were extremely open to my requests, of attempting to ride unassisted, and also get off the bunny hill. The bus dropped us off at the intersection of a couple trails, nearby an outbuilding. Did I mention Tuesday, was an epic powder day, because, it was! Snow came down for the majority of the afternoon. I'm not used to the powder, but my confidence is unrivalled. In soft snow, to inevitably tumble into. I'm far more comfortable turning from my toes, to my heels. Also, having a rather narrow trail, is pretty nerve-wracking visually. I fell a bunch, but could feel my confidence in my abilities, steadily growing. We also used a snow wing, which is an adaptive device, that wraps around you, in I wing shape. I was surprised to see it, as they hadn't had one, on my last trip there. Also, my only experience with it, was in Crested Butte, CO, the year before, and I wasn't aware of any eastern mountains,that were familiar with the device.

To be honest, I have a hard time with these devices, the stronger I get. I also catch myself putti g up a fight, a d then blanking on it, after I get my way, and it doesn't go as I'd hoped. Not cool, Courtney, not cool. Although, I usually realize this, well after the fact.
We made 2 runs down a lo g, narrow, winding path. Once with the snow wing, once with my go to, offhand held assist. All in all, it was a great morning to be up there!

Getting back in the game

I have to make fun of myself, at his moment. Only because I'm certain I look absolutely ridiculous right now, wearing my gym clothes, snow boots, and my down puff jacket, chilling in a corner of a large open space, in a downtown building.. I do have a lovely view of Lake Champlain,however. I also have 2 bags, at my feet. Mondays, are busy days. I begin with voice lessons, not speech therapy, but voice lessons. I'm paying someone privately, to re-teach me how to articulate, and breathe at the right time, in conversation. Apparently, I have a bad habit, of cramming my entire sentence into one breath, and as a result, the ends of my sentences are unclear. In all of the hours I've logged with speech pathologists, none have described my speech difficulties, in a manner that allowed me to believe that there is a possibility, I may be able to speak clearly. I'm learning how to use my lips when forming sounds. Pretty basic, but its stuff I can control, if I put the effort into it. Think about what I'm trying to say in conversation, as well as, how to move my lips, and tongue, when speaking. That's a tall order, for me, also because I need to slow my speech down, to be more clear. As the years drag by, the more I recognize, my old, ridiculous self. The good, and the bad. I'm still the same procrastinating, active, joyful, sarcastic fool, I always knew. I came off a memory drug last spring, Nememda. It's traditionally given to people suffering from Altzheimers, and me, because I had a very difficult time recalling anything, for a long time. I was excited to come off the drug, but also frightened, as I'd heard they have the ability to not allow you feel, or process emotion. There have been a lot of feelings to be had, and the idea of being attacked by everything from grief, loss, anger, frustration, and betrayal, to love, joy, curiosity, fulfilment, and strength, all at once, terrified me. That's the tip of he iceberg, for me. And, I got exceptionally lucky last year, in finding new friends, skills, and adventures to be had, to distract me from learning to realize, and deal with the fact I have a disability, and this is who I am now. It's not like I've done 5 years of rehab. In the sate system, and can pretend I'm ready to go, and hit full speed. As much as I love that idea, I can finally see where I am now. I've come a long way, but unfortunately, I know that I will never think I've come far enough. That's who I am. I go full speed ahead most of the time. I like to be on the move, all the time. I've been very sedentary, the last couple of months. It's also been strange to have tv again, because, for the first time, I found myself able to empathize with certain stories. I cancelled my cable in the fall of 2011, because I int care bout it. I didn't watch it, and I wasn't all that interested. I now have Internet tv, which I a problem at times, because you NEED self control, for it. It's way too easy to sit, and watch a season, all day, especially when you don't have a lot going on. It's agin oh, but I've had to relearn to ration myself with it.

I don't suppose I have, one Clear topic for today, other than needing o clarify who I am now, and where I want o go. YIKES!

Nuts and Bolts

One of the hardest parts of authoring a blog, is trying to maintain new ideas. I've been full of thoughts regarding the emotional tolls of learning to accept my disability. Although, unlike most other disabilities, I find the more work I put in physically, nd emotionally, the easier they become. In many ways I've had to start completely over, and re-train my brain (heh) to be human again. With my experiences, the old standby line "You don't know what you don't know" has occurred to me, a ridiculous number of times, throughout my recovery. Each and every brain injury is different, therefor it's impossible to create a systematic treatment for each.

As I've progressed, I attempt do my best to never act on those emotions, which is largely why I've withdrawn from any social life I had. Also because, it can be terrifying to be so open about all of the skills, and abilities I've lost.

Before I suffered this injury, I moved from work to school, to group meetings, and to another job, everyday. I may have also been known to frequent some of the bars. I felt this unfulfilled need to accomplish my dreams, and pursue my favorite hobbies, all at the same time. I was constantly moving from activity to activity. So much so, that I a broad variety of people. I honestly, loved that aspect of my life. But, here I am, 5 years later, pulling myself back together, and realizing how lonely I felt then, too. Everywhere I went, I knew someone, and that's great feeling, Neil you realize you Kay know their name, a few mundane details, but take away the pleasant exchanges, and you both know very little about one-another. No commonalities. I didn't have the time, to really allow people in, closely, into my life. I never really closely looked at the decisions I've mad for myself, until now, simply because I feel time knows no bounds. I'm lost, I don't hav direction, or goals, outside of attempting to regain my independence, and outdoor recreation.

Not entirely certain where my head is at today. Feel like I'm picking myself up, and attempting to find my routine, or a new one. I'm getting the one thing I've wanted, more certainly than anything else in the next few months. I'm getting out of the brain injury waiver program, because the state will have apparently deemed me no longer needing those specific services. I will always have a brain injury, but thankfully, the brain is somewhat elastic, and I've come back. I'll never be who I was 5 years ago, but honestly, who can say that they're the the same person they were 5 years ago?

I really have no desire to act 23 again, anyways. I loved life, and even what had brought me to where I was then. Looking back, I may regret my devotion to play, over academics. In some cases, also spreading myself so thin, by committing to every club I had a minor interest in. I love to be busy. Always have, and am realizing I always will. I'm realizing now, how I find myself myerered in this strange, new world, that does not show me, or anyone else, what to believe in, or how to empower themselves.

Thankfully, I still remember who I was, and how I thought, as well as my belief system. I believe those have all been key factors in ability to get through this. The public systems we offer, are often disgraceful, and exceptionally classist. I don't care who you are, or what your relationship is, it is simply so, because every situation is different.

It is purely unacceptable to put words in my mouth, or anyone else's. This is exceptionally difficult to to do. My friends and family do it "for" me, and it really upsets me, whenever it happens. Depending on the situations, depends on how gracefully side. Saying that I may, or may not react to it.

I suppose my convoluted message today, is about the hardships in starting over, but also the strength, and full net that lay on the on the other side. And now, I feel like a cat chasing its tail. Going around, and around, but never quite within grasp. Hopefully, one day, and soon! Never give up.