I tried and tried to figure out gow to post these pictures without purchasing them, but to no avail. I'm too lazy to check my previus posts, to make sure I didn't post these a while back. When I talk about my ridiculous running exploitsnwith the baby less jogger, this is how foolish I look. These are from last summer, doing the Beach to Beacon with my dad, in Cape Elizabeth,ME .

http://www2.brightroom.com/email/87891/7175/107835321

Today I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for attempting to use my 'disability' as a leverage to get what I wanted. I had a meeting with my case manager, Deb, who was gracious enough to drop me off at the indoor track at UVMs field house. Upon walking in, I realized my ID was missing from my pocket. I headed over to the desk, to ask someone to buzz me in. My request was answered with a 10 + minute lecture, from a girl, on a little powe trip. She informed me, I needed to go to the cat card office (on the other side of campus to have them change my access privileges. In the middle of this, another student requested, a buzz in, and she said, oh, they're unlocked right now, you can just walk on in. And then, turns back to me and proceeds lecturing me. I was so angry, by that time, I was at a loss for how to proceed. It took all of my self restraint to refrain from walking away from her unenjoyable lecture and through the unlocked gates, but I put up with her, let her go on her little tirade, eventually she was gracious enough to let me in, "just this one time.". Once I was away from her, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I ran for an hour and a half. Granted I call it running because I'm doing everything within my brains power to lift my feet in a running stride. However, my brain is still learning how to safely keep me upright, while moving forward. I still move like a gangly, awkward 8 yr old, which I was, once upon a time. I've always been slower to pick up motions, or any type of coordinated movement. As frustrating as it is, I have to just tell myself to be thankful I can relearn these things, period. Many others, go through injuries where they're not able to regain these skill. I have to keep reminding myself, that even though I don't feel lucky right now, I am, because I can relearn these things. It dent always work, reasoning with myself, but it's a good stategy when it does.

Hillary picked me and we treated ourselves to breakfast for lunch at Sneakers, whereI costumed a trough of fruit and yogurt with granola. I've always wanted to try that dish, but can rarely stay away from the kahlua dipped French toast... AMAZING. After lunch, I wanted to stop in the gear exchange downtown, to inquire about snowshoe rentals, where I ended up purchasing a pair, because it want vey economical to rent them for $10 a day, when I can't hop in the car to return them.. It felt a bit impulsive to just buy some, but winter will be over before I think of it again. I'm hoping it will be less awkward then last years adventures in cross country skiing. We shall see...

Okay, sorry, I can't be bothered to edit this right now, as I need some dinner, so deal with it, annoying as it is.

Okay, I'm off to go rustle up some dinner, and can't actually be bother to edit this. My apologies for whatever mistakes I've made.

Another week has begun, and I'm just going through the motions, as usual.  I feel like I keep talking to people, well those who are willing to actually spend the time, and puto the effort into figuring out what I'm actually saying to them.  Today, the woman who helped me get my internship, Michelle, and I had a meeting to discuss the work I'm doing at CHIPS, the teen center, I, interning with.  If I have an actual title there it's something like accessibility development intern.  Or just intern.  Basically, I've been pushing for as long as I can remember to have a job, and one that's cognitively demanding.  I spent 2 yrs placating my voc. Rehab. Counselor, but, what I didn't realize was that she was also doing the same to me.  Looking back, there are hundreds of things I would've done differently, from standing up for my convictions, to having the self confidence to say NO, that won't work for me.  Thankfully, I've learned that now, and hopefully, in good, appropriate measure.
It's just interesting to me how much my perspective has changed because of certain decisions I've made for myself.  Like choosing to do my rehab. Here and not at home, where I'd have way more personal support.  I completely understand why people involved in government funded programs are generally poorly regarded by others in the community.  There is a tremendous rift in society, that the people implementing these programs have created.  I see it in myself from time to time, and despise it.  I also leave my apartment with my mental armor on, which I hate, but it's been a tool I've needed to develop, to help myself deal with situations I don't understand, or feel threatened by.  I despise situations that evoke that reaction, because I feel as though I'm feeding into the unbecoming perception of folks on these programs.    
     This morning I received a tremendous compliment from the woman whose helped me find my internship, and deal with various difficulties I have in the employment setting.  I've had that other counselor, 2008.  I don't doubt that she's a good person, trying to approach her job, the way she's been trained, but unfortunately, that training never required her to think o outside of the box, and because my injury is so unique, and my speech so atrocious, I think she regarded me as a law suit waiting to happen, in the employment setting.  Admittedly, I also went in therewith my perspective, as a recent college grad.  completely unaware that having a brain injury meant as much 'rehab' as I've been through. Granted, as the years pass, I'm increasingly more cognoscenti of how my own perspective has changed, while not really allowing myself appreciate how far I've come.  Michelle complimented me, by saying that I don't take no for an answer, which is generally true if I believe in something, and that I'll work as hard as I possibly can to follow through with my convictions.  It's funny, because I've always admired those types of people, but never actually thought I was one.  I also am somewhat intimidated by people with those qualities.  While, I'm psyched to get such an rightful compliment twice in the first 2 weeks of the year, it feels like things are going really well, this year, which lmakes me nervous, as were only in the 2nd week. Nope, I don't care for that perspective, I need to keep looking forward, and hopefully, I'll keep heading that way too.  Okay, I'm off to 'run' at UVMs indoor track, I hope.

Little pieces of daily interactions...

I have a friend who boldly walks in, seemingly anywhere, and does exactly what he wants, says what he wants, and acts how he pleases. I I find his confidence in himself and his abilities reassuring, but also slightly annoying, because Ive never had that kind of self-reassurance. He walks in answers my pleasantries, turns to face me, and asks, "are you lonely?"That word literally makes me cringe. I tense up, and almost shout, NO! It's an automatic reaction for me to deny anything that I perceive as an allegation of weakness. As I said no, by mind was calling my mouth a liar. In a split decision of honesty, I then admitted, that I was, but only in certain perspectives. I divulged that I keep myself busy 95% of the time in order to save myself from actually having to consider how I lead my life now, and I how I feel about what having a brain injury means to me. There are so many aspects that I intently abhor. For example, people making incorrect assumptions about me, not being able to visually process the world going by me fast enough to allow me to drive, the way my voice betrays me, when I'm trying to make my point, or just in general. Oh yeah, the way my memory intermittently fails me, causing embarrassment for myself and others. As much as these aspects of my life frustrate, infuriate, or embarrass me, Im finally reaching a place in my life, where I no longer despise where I've been, the past few years. For some reason, being asked point-blank about my injury, and the feelings I have as a result of it, has more or less opened the Pandoras box of my mind. I have been so accustomed to Immediately disposing of any feeling that occurs to me, whether I recognize it or not.

Even with the immense difficulties I've been dealt in the past 5 yrs. at this point I'm not sure I would trade my new-found life perspective. I feel I've gained as a result of these struggles. This is something I don't or wouldn't want to loose now. I don't generally feel like a glass half full type of person, because most of the reason I push myself on, everyday, is because this injury has shown me, the harder I work, the more I improve, and the less difficulties Ihave. We live in a society, that is so focused on making our lives easier, which is wonderful at the moment, but is terrible for society in general, because it propagates such poor lifestyle habits. That is a super broad over-generalization.

When asked about loneliness, I immediately freaked out because I knew another door of crazy emotions had been opened. Back on that train of thought, I personally feel that admitting to loneliness is like admitting to a weakness, which I don't ever want to do. Although, if no one ever asks me questions like that, I would never contemplate these things on my own... That's what entertainment media is for, to distract you from your own scary mind...

WellI suppose here's as good a place as any to end my thought on this, I just needed to empty my mind of these thoughts.

Another year gone by.".

Happy 2012!!

  Well, another year down.  As with every year, you take the good, with the bad.  I felt like I learned more about myself, as in who I was, who I am, and who I want to be in this year alone.  I finally came off of my altzheimers, memory drug this summer, which felt like an amazing breakthrough, but, it's pretty frightening for my sub conscious when I realize the things I can lead myself to believe, and then engage others in conversation about situations my mind likes to fabricate.  CRAZY...  Thankfully, I've only done that. Twice that I recall.  Though, it's my assumption that those who suffer from a clinićally diagnosed form of dementia.  Sometimes I feel like I have the perspective of an elderly person growing young again, just because of where I've been, and what I've been through in the last 4 yrs.

My plans are generally rather loose in terms of making actual decisions about timing of events.  My friend and I had planned to arrive at 430, however, she was running late making quiche, and I was playing with my moms fancy new laundry facilities, to hopefully return with clean clothes.

Val and I headed for the heaping plume of soot,  and burning embers, which was much more difficult to discern than I'd anticipated.  I immediately settled myself into. A plastic adirodak char to strangely leer at the smoldering fire.  My self appointed position was immediately deferred when my friend came up and demanded that I huck some damp sticks at the fire. It seemed like the number of sticksI was handed may be endless, and not one of them resulted in the miniature explosion of embers, I remember being dazzled by, when I was a kid.  After a while people began to disappear, and just as I was wondering when we might go in to hunt for food, many others reappeared with heaping plates of food,  The 5 of us. Were growing hungrier with each moment that passed, and as the flames died down a bit, we all re relinquished  our seats, and headed inside for a late dinner.  We also had a slightly belated birthday celebration, for, the only male among us, Erin's boyfriend Matt.  He gladly endured a Rhoda family rendition of happy birthday.  This rendition is so atrocious, it at times hurts your own ears.  I love it,for it's utter ridiculousness, and because I feel entirely comfortable releasing my horrendous hinging abilities in front of others, as rash person sounds intentionally worse than the other.  So ridiculous.  After birthday merriment subside, we all changed into bathing suits, and hit the sauna.  In years passed, we've gathered at their home to ring in the new year in the hot tub.    However, this year, it had suffered a power and was more likable to an ice tub.  Not as appeasing.  In all the years I've know them, I never knew one of their out buildings was actually a sauna.  It brought back childhood memories, as that was the last time I'd been in one.  It was such a refreshing start to the new  year.  

New Years Day, I awoke stairs at home around 10.  Have to admit I was slightly dismayed to have awoken so late on my last day at home.  For once, I wad all packed up and ready, when I awoke.  I went downstairs to find everybody in the kitchen.  It was a bit emotional for all of us.  We have some weird family dynamics presently, and it's hard to sort out and dal with openly, because there always seems to be a weird facade enveloping us.  When were all together, it's just how I remember everything being, when I was a teen.  Now, were all independents, who reconvene for holidays or big family events.    So strange... Wait, did you forget who you were reding about...

Later in the day, my dear friend zVal was coming to give me a lift back to Btown.  Our planned 130departure time turned into a 430 departure when my friend called to announce the fact that her car was seeding gasoline all over the place.  She arrived 3 hrs later in her parents car.  My mom and Marty helped cart the seemingly endless amount of crapI had with me.  I only came with 2 small bags.  I think I left with 6. SCARY.  I managed to find homes for all of it, but still' the longer I live here, the les space I have.  I'm beginning to feel a little enclosed in my own space.  Christmas often has that effect for me because there so much extra stuff that goes along with it.  Eek.

Well, now, I'm back to life as I know it presently.  Oh God...

Wat! The holidays are over, WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, we survived another Christmas! In the last 5 or 10 years, every Christmas has been so extraordinarily different from the one before it, I never know what to expect, or, who we!ll be with. This year was no different. My mom and I were together at her home, where I grew up in Midcoast Maine. When I arrived, I declared. That even though it was just the two of us, were still doing stockings. For some reason, the whole experience of having a ridiculous goody bag to open before you sit down to breakfast, is something that I genuine,y love. After breakfast of almond torte and other assorted goodies, we ambled over to the tree in the window, and open-end many assorted goodies, from friends and family. I knew I wouldn't have a lot to open, as I'd asked my family o help me purchase a plane ticket toColorado, so I could do some adaptive snow boarding with a friend, I met last year at Sugarbush in VT, and ran into this summer in Winter Park, CO at the No ?barriers Summit, my.Ant brought me to over the summer. She invited me to visit, so now, I'm trying to make it happen!

After our little family Christmas, my mom and I headed over to the neighbors family camp, for their family Christmas gathering. I wasn't prepared to attend another Christmas, and felt slightly guilty when I received gifts, but hadn't brought any. The company was gift enough for us, as it was so much fun reminiscing about old times, and getting the latest news on the family members who couldn't be there. We all enjoyed a fabulous Christmas dinner of ham, stuffing, green bean casserole, squash, and the BEST chocolate creme pie Ve ever tasted. I love chocolate, but normally, the Che chocolate creme pie is nothing to write home about. But, this one was exquisite, very rich, and somehow light. I admit, if it had been my families dinner table,I might have challenged them all for the entire confection.
After Christmas, there were still so many things to be done, people to seen, etc. I accompanied my mom to a couple doctors or medical appointments, and have been so proud of her for sticking with the people and programs she feels will help her, because having your life examined by multiple people, for several reasons is no easy task. And then, somehow processing that information to decide a plan of action you feel comfortable with, is no easy task. The new family joke, I've been informed, is that apparently, my mom, my aunt and I will all be able to have walker wars. My mom asked me to bring my wailer home for her to use, but it was deemed unsalvageable by her therapists. I assumed that might be the case, given, what I put it through every day, for over a year. I dare say, I could probably write a book about the adventure I somehow created for myself with that thing. Then, I could do a sequel about the baby less jogger. Wouldn't that be a fun read? Well, if nothing else, interesting...
I'm am so happy to see my mom putting in the necessary time and effort into her rehab. As mindless, depressing, and frustrating as it is, it makes all the difference in leading a happy fulfilling life down the road, because you know that you've given your best effort, and you are, where you are that day because you put the time in, and did the work. That aspect of being home was incredibly rewarding.

On the road...

When I was a kid, I grew very a cccustomed to making road trips with my family members, and/or neighbors, and friends. I really miss traveling, seeing the world from other perspectives, and also the many sights, pleasant and not so pleasant. Having spent over a year without the ability to visually process the world around me, has really given me a tremendous appreciation for the ability to see, period. Yes, I'm still insanely frustrated. That I can't drive, but am still holding out hope, that won't always be the case. Only time will tell.

After a ridiculously busy week, my Dad arrived around 730 Friday eve. We zipped over to Boves, for tasy plate of pasta. It has a very Dinerish ambiance, but they specialize in pasta dishes. I was so pleased, to go there because when're he visits, we always hit the same 5 or so restaurants, and there are so many fantastic places, that are generally pretty reasonable to check out. Trying to break the grain here.

Saturday morning, we intended to hit the road for NYC, but I had dropped the ball in terms of planning anything, so, we headed straight to New Jersey, had dinner at an old family haunt of my dad and his brothers. The next day, we reconvened at my Uncle Stu's 50th birthday party. I never really got to closely know my dads side of the family, and while they've all been really supportive of my injury and progress, it's really difficult to envision, going to a large gathering, family, or not, where you don't personally know people, it can be somewhat intimidating. I had intended to wear my christmas atrocity outfit, but chickened out, a) because it wasn't a holiday party, it was a surprise 50th bday party for my uncle Stu, and, because I didn't reallly have a feel for the crowd, and felt nervous about standing out more than I already do. Admittedly, I tend to not give people the benefit of the doubt, and it kind of, well, bit me in the ass, because, people were very open, and welcoming. Several people approached me, and told me that they had read the blog, back in the days when Sean was telling

my story to all of you. And speaking of, I've thought of him a few times on this trip, mainly because the last time I was down this way, I was with him, and we passed his hometown on the highway. Weird, when things you work so hard to not think about, or personally address, come up and 'bite you' when you least expect it. Totally unpleasant, as I also met my cousin, who is about my age, for the first time too. Growing up, I never really had any opportunity to connect, or meet that side of my family, because my parents didn't really want anything to do with one another. Thankfully, they've resolved some of their issues,
and somehow managed to work together, in my best interest, when I ended up fighting for my life, Ive always felt that everyone did an amazing, and tremendous effort into coming together to support me, which I am unbelievably grateful for. It's like you don't realize hoy fortunate you are, until something profanely horrendous happens to you. As, I look back, and read my words, I feel they can be taken multiple ways, but my intent behind those words is only that I can't believe how supportive people were then, and often still are today.
Well, that's my weekend in NJ, now I'm back in my hometown, hanging out with my mom.
She's had unrelenting misfortune, or difficult sequence of events in the past few years, in dealing with her only daughters brain injury, losing her dad, having a seriously long-term relationship end, enduring chemotherapy and a mastectomy from breast cancer. She's getting back on her feet, so I'm super proud of her, but crazy jealous that her rehab. Is so much quicker than mine. I love being home to support her, but it hurts so much to watch her struggle, and get frustrated with the amount of time it takes to do things. I totally understand that, because I take a eternity to anything physical. Even writing, I think a million times faster than I can write it down, so even blogging takes multiple hours, which sucks, but I. Just have to tell myself the more I do, the more I do.
Yesterday I went with my mom to go check out her options for going to a gym, to do some PT, and help her rebuild some muscle. Of course the PT office at the gym was closed, so she headed to Xmas party with her co workers, while I stayed at the gym. After. 2hrs had passed I was so incredibly hungry, I couldn't function. My mom picked me up, and announced that. I had a teeth cleaning appointment. It took me couple moments to realize I had just changed dentists, and had this done recently, but I still had to go. Back to the office, so my mom could get hers done. I, unfortunately get somewhat irritable when I'm hungry, and demanded food, as compensation for waiting. Looking o home. It's still very comforting, and I appreciate my roots so much more now".
Today, I was soo excited to see my closest friend of all time. I feel so lucky to have the friends. And family that I do. I forget that occasionally when I'm back in Vermont, because I have support there, but it's not nearly as extensive as it is when I'm home. It's like a constant. Joyful stream of visitors this morning. My mom and I made pancakes and bacon, then her neighbors stopped by, then he home health muse, then my friend, who just came home from fantastic French horse and farming adventures. I was so envious, listening to her tales of life abroad with horses, but very happy they had such wonderful adventures, and even happier to see her again. While walking down the road, we got close to the river I heard someone call my name. I peered into an old lot with a camper, and recognized an old friend from childhood, who'd, apparently decided to. Return to the homeland to settle down. It was really fun to catch up, and see an old face from childhood. We both used to get dragged to her stepfathers auctions, and. Do our best to cause random annoyances, like switching tags, and misplacing things. Looking back, I'm sure that was insanely annoying for. The adults running things. I don't prefer to remember. Myself as the little devil, I apparently was. It's funny how you can always count on family. And friends to remember your finest and not so finest moments. Happy Holidays to whomever reads this! Wishing you a very joyous and happy. Holiday season! Thank you for your support!

Finally Friday...

. I woke up crazy late, just missing my friend who I'd made plans with to pick me up for brain injury support group, bonus, I'd also forgotten to charge my phone. As soon as I was awake enough to realize the absurdly late time that it was. I left my apartment to walk across town, to the meeting. I. Was 3/4 of the way there, when I heard from behind me, "Courtney! I am so mad at you! I just went to your house, bla, bla, bla. It was the gal whose Iucky enough to get paid to put up with my crap, and make sure I'm carrying out my random tasks that I'm supposed to carry out each week to get off the waiver program. Naturaly, I don't always respond kindly to being prompted to carry out tasks that I rarely have a vested interest in, in the first place. I didn't. This is a grat thing, but I've always had trouble appreciating it. I didnt loose the ability to look after myself, it's more to me like I forgot how, and now that I have a team of people, with whom I largely disagree,yo help me get there, wherever there is. it's becoming ever so infuriating. I'm being encouraged to just get over the hump, by basically placating the program, until, I'm 'released'. In theory, this sounds plausible, and more time effective, although, now that I'm exercising my right to express my thoughts, I seem to be having a hard time not expressing anger, disappointment, vulnerability, resentments, etc. I'm trying not to step my own toes, and still express my criticism in a constructive manner. Not really a talent I posess. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
Moving on, I finally made it to support group, which was awesome today, because the facilitator, Anna, had lined up a somatic specialist to give us a more clear ,perspective on how the brain communicates with the body to carry out movement processes. I was very interested in listening to this speaker, and was pretty upset with myself for having missed half of the presentation. I more or less got contact information, and came away with an trest in pursuing this type of therapy. There is such a resource of more holistic forms of medicine in this area, I just wish it was recognized by state and federal funding sources.

After support group I wanted a mocha, so I got my little caffeine fix, and then we headed back to my apartment to take care of some of the tasks I have profound difficulty getting myself to do. Today, this meant finding an application for my iPad thatbwill ding, and remind me do whatever I'm supposed to get done. Honestly, I don't see myself using this tool. I'm sure it's very helpful and convenient for certain people, but in my little world, I'm not interested in carrying around a prosthetic piece of equipment to reminding me to do random things. In the world I want to live in, and used to live in, you gained from the things you did well, and in a timely fashion, and you suffered from the mistakes you made, but you also learned from those mistakes, by having to figure out how to pick yourself up after you crashed and burned. These programs don't have that capacity. Someone always intercepts whatever I'm doing to 'save' me from whatever disasterbIm about to cause for myself. This is helpful in the moment, but is actually harmful in the long term, because I wasn't able to realize it for myself, and then Ill always need to depend on someone else to bail me out of my problems. Awesome.

Oh, look, I'm still ranting...
After support group, we had a fantastic outing to goodwill, to hunt for tragically atrocious holiday outfits, for respective holiday parties. Some of my friends from college throw an ugly holiday sweater part every year. I must admit, I'm pretty pleased with my find of a red sweater with what is more or less discernible as santas face, holding up a mug of a frothy beverage. This is quite appropriate for this crowd, although, I returned to my apartment with my find, pretty pleased, and my roommate offered me a sweater, that was exactly what I had been looking for, with an embroider christmas scene on it. So ugly, it hurts to look at it for too long, because there is so much detail. I have a difficult choice to make now...

Getting through the week...

Never a dull moment these days... My week started off, with me arriving at my internship 3 hrs late because of miscommunication (what else is new). And some intriguing conversation following a spiritual chanting group Ive been attending. Tuesday was my psychologists app, which I've already gone into enough detail, with my frustrations regarding that part of my week. Tuesday eve. Is photoshop class. Wednesday was meeting with my case manager at 9, followed by a meeting with the woman who oversees my work exploits, to discuss how I want to proceed, and to finally orchestrate the correct paperwork, in the correct sequence, so that I might finally see theb$5/hr paycheck from voc rehab, I'm apparently supposed to be getting. Oh wouldn't it be nicer. I hope were finally on the right track, but I'm not holding my breath after 3 months. The experience in itself is priceless. To have endured 3 painstaking years in a physical state where professionals just weren't able to accertain the fact that mind was actually viable, just the operating mechanisms to express it were out of order. It was by no means in great shape, yet still vastly more intelligent than It was ever given credit for. And then there's the fact I most often give other people the benefit of the doubt. If there's a problem with something, I would venally accept the blame, as I didn't realize everyone makes mistakes. After so many days of your disconnects, failures, and weaknesses being pointed out to you repeatedly, I can't not assume it's an unusual pattern. Everyday, something is a struggle, but I'm finally putting prices of my old self back together, and had my ah-ha moment, when I realized that no one has perfect days, where all cylinders are firing in the correct sequence. In hear day in and day out, that these programs are onl here to help me ge back to being a self sufficient person. Instead of a clear path from A to B, it's quite possibly the most mind-glowingly, I'll-conceived, haphazard path ever conceived. Why because the w
Apparent way to fix a problem, is just to cover it up, and possibly pretend it's no longer there. And people wonder why were facing such economic devastation right now? Curious? Not really. I'm probably repeating myself, but I can use my 'get out of jail free card' because I have a brain injury. Oookay, I'm clearly still up in arms, look out world...
Well, today is Thursday, I got up and spoke to my dad on the phone. When zI ended the call, I was suddenly struck by a compulsive need to clean my apartment, anyone whose ever stepped foot in my little world, is well aware that I am not a neat freak, of any sort. My standards of cleanliness, equate to being able to see the floor, and trying not to have mold growing, at least visibly. Am I proud of this fact, no. Am I aware that everyone has different standards, yes. Do I try to maintain a passable standard of cleanliness to keep myself out of harms way (literally and figuratively) oh yeah.still crazy frustrated about being emotionally willed to live by someone else's standards. What's even worse is when the people who are paid to mind wash you into believing these guidelines (regulations). I say it that way a because they're presented as guidelines, but if you have any reason to counter these guidelines, you need to to prepare yourself with at least 3 definiveve reasons, as to why, specially you object, and alternative methods you propose to to provide yourself, and hopefully others with a more amenable solution. The real key trick, however, is to figure out how to present yourself, without coming off as egotistical, self-obsessed, or threateningly, in any way, shape, or form. When you challenge someone whose life's work is based on helping others, the last thing you want to do is make them feel like they're not appreciated. I wish that I had been able to put that together so, so long ago. Weirdly, it seems to be that simple. Why it isn't more clear in our society, is a quandary I may always have.
After my OT session, I needed to go grocery shopping. A typical week, I spend about $40 at hannafords. Which is not very much con siding I do my best to eat more natural or morganic simply because I'm not interested in finding out how some molecule that has been subatomically rearranged 9 zillion time is going to affect my body negatively. Based on my family history, I'm pretty certain I'll wind up with cancer at some point. I'm choosingvto put my efforts into taking care of myself now, to better my chances down the line. I hope it's that simple, even though odds are, it's not. We have created acworld that is too complex for our own good. Yard, Inkeep going off on these tangents, and forgetting about the actal story I was telling.
I do my best to attend a aqua fitness class at the YMCA every thurday. This is one of the best things I've done for myself, physically, it basically require my brai to coordinate my appendages when I tell it to. Which is not something I'm good at. The left side of my body responds way slower, and much more spastically, than my right. Being in the water, wearing a floatie, offers me resistance, and a much safer medium for me to try and move around in ways that I used to. One of the women, who often teaches the class, has taken a shine to me, and will directly ask me questions, offer suggesttions, and now everyone is really accepting of how I maneuver in their world, at least in that setting. Which is so cool, because sometimes all it takes, is one open mind. Who says were not herd animals? Ugh, case in point. That's all for now folks.

So much to tell...

If only I could manage to blog everyday, I'd hoped to create a kind of journal from my posts, but I get so easily sidetracked, so here I am, after 3 weeks. My Thanksgiving was great, even though all of my preconceived 'plans' fell through, and when I realized how things would unfold, I shut down a little bit. I was really hoping to go home to Maine, with my stepdad, however, Id been warned ahead of time to not share the plans of possibly coming home, so it would be a surprise, and also so no one could be held accountable if plans were changed. I find these plans so frustrating, as Iv'e tried to make plans sand backup plans. I was very fortunate to receive another invite 2 days before and partook in a Flynn family Thanksgiving. My mom, her neighbors, who are like a second family, and my stepdad all showed up in a little camper van. I hadn't seen my mom since September, when she literally appeared to be on deaths doorstep, weighing under 100 lbs, every bone visible under her pale skin, as she had lost so much weight from how sick chemotherapy had made her. It was such a releif to her pushing her way back to her vibrant demeanor. I am unable to express how envious I am, of her rehab stint being as short as it was compared to mine, it's an utterly, disgruntling, frustrating experience, I sincerely wish that we could all be spared from rehab. Most days I am grateful to still be here, but I've spent the last 4/12 hrs picking myself up every time I fall, pretending that I'm not able to understand what's going on around me,, because no one actually understands what I verbally say. I feel like I live in a world where only the people who are actually willing to put the additional time and mental energy into what I say to them, are the people with whom I specifically make an effort to either maintain a relationship with, or in the case of my rehab. Professionals I put less effort into the asisstance they offer. However, I wasn't really aware that I had already been approaching certain team members this way, well at least to my own detriment. I feel like I'm constantly working myself, to get back to where I was 5 hrs ago. I think the biggest reason I prefer to hold everything in, is because I despise the reactions of shock, pity, and even sympathy. Although, in the cases where I do start to trust people enough to open up, it tends to be overwhelming for them, and me. It's easier for me to only look forward and not dwell on everything that I had and loved. My story has taken a different path than I'd ever imagined, but I need to embrace it and move on, because were only as good as what each of us does for ourselves and others.

Technology/life and I are ina serious disagreement

Well here we are Friday already. I was so pleased to start integrating my use of the ipad into my internship, at Essex CHIPS a youth/ teen center. I'm attempting to find accessibility options for their historic building, on 5 corners. I brought it with me on Monday, and it worked well, though, I was curious about why the screen looked a bit wiggly at the bottom. Its only noticeably to me on some backgrounds, but after 4 or 5 others had commented on it, I sadly relented, and brought it back. Supposedly, I'll get another one in a couple days, but technology is so frustrating in this respect, as you rely on t to store your schedule, and whatever info you'll need from day to day, and, if it breaks, or you have to bring it back, you lose everything. Luckily, I can figure most of it out from email, but I guarantee, I will miss something, and get myself into trouble next week. I guess I have anxiety about anticipating my own mistakes. FUNN (not) but the amount of pressure I feel as though I'm under to perform at the standards of my brain injury program is ridiculous. These programs are so concrete, which is particularly unhelpful to people like me, who don't think "inside the box". I need to do/learn things in a way that's meaningful to me, as an individual, otherwise, I wind up not being able focus, and feeling like no matter what I do, I can't move forward in my rehab. program. It's no wonder people get stuck on these programs. The 'professionals' running the show are all involved at the same time, stepping into each others outlined bounds, and I suffer because I lack the ability and willingness to follow each of the 4-6 individuals who control how and why I ' make the decisions I do. I just do not seem to be able to verbalize how frustrating it is to not be able to verbalize my intense frustration over lack of cohesiveness among my team o professionals. Individually, each person, has their own distinct merits, although, as a team, were an abomination. These programs are very single-tracked, and if you aren't able to take your pride, dignity, and objections off the table, while participating, or receiving 'assistance' it is nearly impossible to successfully emancipate oneself from federal -aid programs. Its impossible to relate to people in these programs, because each has a different difficulty, yet we all have very similar 'fixes' administered, and then suffer the consequences, when we are not willing or able to voice the truth of our opinions, for fear that one fault or serious change, will upset the delicate balance of each individual program. I've never felt comfortable expressing any of my opinions, positive or negative, as I learned early on that if you mention one opinion to one person, by the next day, all 7, are considering that comment you made, not realizing, anything you say to anyone will probably have a direct impact on your life in regards to how each person approaches you. While the attentiveness is commendable, I purely despise the fact, that each person will alter their methods of communication with me, if I open my mouth to voice a complaint, whether it be a trivial detail or a life-altering mistake. Also, the amount of guilt I infer, because I spoke up is unprecedented. I know its no longer a matter of just one persons disagreement, but it seems to change the dynamics of how each person approaches me if I say, for example, that one is too motherly, or one is particularly dense when attempting to summarize the thoughts and feelings I felt I had relayed to them. I have asked multiple time for a definitive list of tasks they feel I need to accomplish, to successfully 'graduate' from the program. I've also repeatedly had it thrown back in my face, stating that they need to be my goals, for the program to be effective for me. And, I unfortunately, am unaware of a way to diplomatically tell them to drop me. I'll either sink or swim, and yes, sinking is terrifying, but it's also the best way to learn, as hard, as it is. Well, I'm losing my ability to focus on what I'm wring, but I'll be back ...

Here we are, halfway through November...

Whoa, June already...

Can't say I had a very exciting Memorial Day Though, the past week has been amazing!! I had some family visiting last weekend, and then, was able to go back to my homeland of Mid-coast Maine. While Martha and James were here, our major event was Shelburne Museum. We enjoyed splendid bagel sandwiches for breakfast, and then meandered into Shelburne Mseum. Each time I go, the ticket purchasing area is in the gift shop. This drives me nuts, because it's such a distraction. You buy the tickets and then pick out stuff to bring home, before even making your way out onto the grounds. I was always the kid who had to see everything in the gift shop, and now, it's like it'll be there in a few hours. We meandered around seeing the old ship Ticonderoga', the carousel, the blacksmith shop, some incredible art displays, and even, baby fox kits, peeking out from underneath a barn. It was ab eautiful, old fashioned Vermont day. The next day, we embarked our journey back to the Maine-land, full of many detours from the massive flooding, the Northeast has sustained this spring. What should be a 5 hr ride took about 6 1/2. Not too bad give the ridiculous detours.
The past week was all about me trying to figure out what do with myself this summer. I've been indescribably bored, before my injury, I simply could not understand why people did many of the ridiculous things they do. Now that class is over, and I don't have anything meaningful to do, I'm going a little crazy trying to find something meaningful to do with myself. Yesterday, I ran for 4 hour, because I needed to get my ass off the couch, and well, once I went out and ran with my baby-less jogger. I did a foolishly large run. About 7 miles give or take. I saw a whole lot of town, and I shockingly recalled my way around the north end of town.
I'm often thinking of myself as someone who must seem desperate for a child, because I push the jogger around, and I do et the occasional raised eyebrow or questionable remark. Although, interestingly enough, some of my concerns about others perceptions of me were somewhat lessened as I caught glimpse of a middle-aged man with a 5 o' clock shadow pushing an odd looking doll around in a typical stroller. I remember glimpsing this fellow before, and wondering what kind of a story I might hear, if I could ever muster up the audacity to ask. Never have. As terrible as it appears to my conscience, I felt somewhat relieved.I eventually made it to North ave. and felt relieved as I took a break in Battery Park.Once refreshed, and much happier, from a bit of food and water. Ended up making a strange loop, as I went down to the water front, andon the bike path to where North Beach was. The beaches we were all accustomed to have disappeared since the water level is so high this year.
I was probably gone for 5-6 hours and slightly tender in my calves, but no worse for wear, and a huge sense of accomplishment
In other exciting updates, I'm now working with a 'job developer' to help me find my way back into the workforce. Last week, we met with Greater Champlain Head Start, and Today, with an after school teen center program in Essex. Tomorrow, it's the ECHO center, where I worked in undergrad for a semester. I literally could not be more excited about this prospect. Thursday, were also meeting with The Lund Center, which has a similar mission to the Essex CHIPS program, however, is within walking distance of my apartment. Ideal, in terms of transportation.
Well, that's all for now folks, I'll try to keep better track of this life I'm leading, especially, asI begin to do more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKQHjbbnMP8

If this actually posts, here is my video testiony, I recently did hor the class I took this spring. While I was making it, and editing out the bloopers, I was so embarrassed listening to myself. And then, I went back and watched all of Sean's videos from inpatient, and realized how much more intelligible I am. So here I am, in all my dorkiness.

oh, the life I lead...

I think I last wrote just after Easter, and now,I've just finished the course I took this Spring, iin health-care policy and administration. I've really been appreciating these courses, as its been forcing me to re-integrate myself in a setting where I actually feel 'normal'. It's such a relief to be in a setting where I understand (for the most part) what is expected of me, and am not so insanely self-conscious. I do lack a certain self-confidence in regard to the lack of control I may have over my balance. in my body anymore, In addition,I can no longer trust actions or movement it may decide to enact, and catch me off guard. Yep, good times.
Well, now that I've finished whining about that, onto more exciting things that still frustrate. Sorry, it's just kind of day, it's raining, and school is done, so, I don't have anything to be doing.
It's funny before this happened to me I always wondered how and why people would get into drugs. I totally get it now, you ca only get turned down, or lose benefits so many times, before 'taking a mental vacation, from the idiot-holes who hold onto the puppet strings of your supposed well-being. I et that I should be appreciative of their help, and the assistance they are trying to provide. However, it's been 3 1/2 years of the same old story. Oddly enough, I keep making progress physically, all by myself, mostly because I've realized how snappy, and edgy I get if I'm not able to release any of my pent up anger and frustrations. Which leads me to my next story I have. Once again, about my jogger. I ran my first 5k with my dad on Mother's Day weekend. I used the jogger and it took 57 minutes. To be honest, I saw that time, and was pissed. In high school, a slow 5k was anything above 30 min. I'm often forgetting I need to have different standards for myself, and what I can get done. So, this week, I finished 20 minutes faster than last. However, I realized that I had taken a wrong turn when the lead runner passed me a second time, which meant had done a super short 2nd lap because I'm so sow he shoudve finished while I woul'dve been just starting my 2nd lap.
In school, I used to sit down, and write a 5-10 pg paper the night before it was due. I can't do that anymore, mostly because I type so so slowly. Which also makes life very difficult in terms of finding a job. I can use the speech to text software, however, my editing skills, aren't A+ because of my visual processing. Well, these are only some of my stories, but I'm done staring at this screen, so, that's all for now folks...


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