Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Writers block...
Serious writers block lately. Not entirely sure why, I've been writing, as I feel it really helps me to sort through my thoughts. Although, I really can't actually bring myself to post anything where I'm unequivocally infuriated with my decisions, and by those around me. Lets be real, injuries, in general, are horrible, because they completely rearrange your way of life, and because you need to readjust. On top of that, the difficulty with brain injuries, is that they can often strip you of your former identity. I can't pretend I'm an authority on this subject, though everyone's mind is affected under trauma, so, it only seems reasonable, right? I know I felt somewhat lost before my injury. By appearance, I really looked like I had myself together. I did well enough in my studies, worked, to support myself, while I put myself through school. What put this stress on overload, was the handful of leadership activities I also participated in. A typical weekday, my senior year began with watching 2 kids, and getting them to school,heading to the farm, where I fed horses, turned tem out, and helped muck out. Every other day, I'd have time to go for a ride. I'd get back to my apartment, with enough time to change, eat, and go to a couple classes. If it was a work day, I'd head tohe hospital by 3, and work until 11. If I wasn't working, I'd be be at he library, at a club meeting, at the gym, or all 3. I never really understood that everyone else wasn't as driven to accomplish so much each day. That is, until I acquired this injury. In college, I could easily surround myself with friends, and people I looked up to. It was a hugely nurturing, and supportive environment. When I sustained this injury, the fact that I thought ofBurlington as a hugely nurturing environment, and that I was in what I thought was in a supportive relationship. Looking back, I've been through so many stages of anger, disbelief, unrelenting fury, and denial, than my mind/soul could possibly realize. Saying it's been a long, difficult journey, doesn't even open the door. I'm quiet in social situations a lot, because I've really been unable to process my own deficits. As they say, "You don't know, what you don't know."
Functionally, and motivationally, this has been an incredible year for me. I discovered what is possible in team work, and as an individual. For those discoveries, I'm so thankful. However, emotionally, this has been the most difficult year I've ever faced. In the last 5 years I lost my identity, my independence, my emotions, countless relationships among friends and family, and one love. Although, I couldn't process much of the impacts these experiences directly had on me. I feel rather foolish or only being able to realize my physical disabilities, although, I believe everything will come in its own time. I've been told over, and over that I need o accept my limitations as they are, and move on. If I had done that 5 years ago, I'd still be under Lund the clock supervision, heel chair bound, and not able to feed myself. That sounds like a very fulfilling life, if nothing else (not).
Over the years, I've worked with some truly incredible therapists, doctors, and counselors. I wouldn't be where I am today, without heir support, and encouragement. Although, as with most situations, I've spent the majority of my injury turning my back to heir views, and ideas, simply because I don't understand them, or because I do not agree with them. In this environment, if you cannot immediately, as in, between breaths, qualify your dissatisfaction, you will be trampled. It happens to me before I'm able to catch myself nearing this type of situation. It's all a learning experience. As is my living situation. In college, this was easy, because we had lots in common, similar budgets, and extremely busy schedules. Now, I struggle to find commonalities with many people, my ideals are relatively intact, I love to be outdoors, and I've developed a strong interest in accessible adventure eduction. These experiences, combined with a new found interest in meditation, and middle eastern culture, primarily meditation, although healing arts in general have become more of a core focus, s time passes. Medicine, as well as government programs have become oo sterile, and I malleable to really benefit people anymore. Our world as become too overpopulated. The world is now so big, that we rely on machines, created to improve speed, and performance. Granted, they complete their tasks as designed, but continue to propagate the impersonal lack of compassion for one-another, that seems to growing more persistently, these days.
Today I attended a group meditation workshop, with my friend Anna, and her father, who is also a long distance runner. I only add that because we agreed there was an assimilation to the mental laxity, you find on long distance runs. Man, I feel like a nerd, writing that I love a port r the mental clarity I gain from it. Yes! Anna has an incredible gift for spreading her appreciation or life, and for getting others to join her in the activities she participates in. Prior o 2 months ago, I knew very little about practicing the art of meditation. She invited me to join a group she attends, in October and I couldn't be more hooked. It allows me to sort through my shredded mess of thoughts I carry around, everything from, 'who am I? To how do I show appreciation, or interest in someone ,I look up to? Or even what is the cat telling me, when he poops not in the box, but 2 feet from it, on the floor? These thing, combined with the stress of my jeopardized government programs, mull my thoughts into a heap of stress, I'd prefer to discard, as opposed to untangle, and properly deal with. Social values are so profoundly different amongst each person, and I've learned that through meditation, I can salvage many of my old defining principles, while also learning to appreciate the joy brought by others around me. I feel slightly corny writing this, but I was unwillingly forced to stop, and start over in life, and that has taught me more about life, in 5 years, than I I deviously ever imagined possible.
A
Functionally, and motivationally, this has been an incredible year for me. I discovered what is possible in team work, and as an individual. For those discoveries, I'm so thankful. However, emotionally, this has been the most difficult year I've ever faced. In the last 5 years I lost my identity, my independence, my emotions, countless relationships among friends and family, and one love. Although, I couldn't process much of the impacts these experiences directly had on me. I feel rather foolish or only being able to realize my physical disabilities, although, I believe everything will come in its own time. I've been told over, and over that I need o accept my limitations as they are, and move on. If I had done that 5 years ago, I'd still be under Lund the clock supervision, heel chair bound, and not able to feed myself. That sounds like a very fulfilling life, if nothing else (not).
Over the years, I've worked with some truly incredible therapists, doctors, and counselors. I wouldn't be where I am today, without heir support, and encouragement. Although, as with most situations, I've spent the majority of my injury turning my back to heir views, and ideas, simply because I don't understand them, or because I do not agree with them. In this environment, if you cannot immediately, as in, between breaths, qualify your dissatisfaction, you will be trampled. It happens to me before I'm able to catch myself nearing this type of situation. It's all a learning experience. As is my living situation. In college, this was easy, because we had lots in common, similar budgets, and extremely busy schedules. Now, I struggle to find commonalities with many people, my ideals are relatively intact, I love to be outdoors, and I've developed a strong interest in accessible adventure eduction. These experiences, combined with a new found interest in meditation, and middle eastern culture, primarily meditation, although healing arts in general have become more of a core focus, s time passes. Medicine, as well as government programs have become oo sterile, and I malleable to really benefit people anymore. Our world as become too overpopulated. The world is now so big, that we rely on machines, created to improve speed, and performance. Granted, they complete their tasks as designed, but continue to propagate the impersonal lack of compassion for one-another, that seems to growing more persistently, these days.
Today I attended a group meditation workshop, with my friend Anna, and her father, who is also a long distance runner. I only add that because we agreed there was an assimilation to the mental laxity, you find on long distance runs. Man, I feel like a nerd, writing that I love a port r the mental clarity I gain from it. Yes! Anna has an incredible gift for spreading her appreciation or life, and for getting others to join her in the activities she participates in. Prior o 2 months ago, I knew very little about practicing the art of meditation. She invited me to join a group she attends, in October and I couldn't be more hooked. It allows me to sort through my shredded mess of thoughts I carry around, everything from, 'who am I? To how do I show appreciation, or interest in someone ,I look up to? Or even what is the cat telling me, when he poops not in the box, but 2 feet from it, on the floor? These thing, combined with the stress of my jeopardized government programs, mull my thoughts into a heap of stress, I'd prefer to discard, as opposed to untangle, and properly deal with. Social values are so profoundly different amongst each person, and I've learned that through meditation, I can salvage many of my old defining principles, while also learning to appreciate the joy brought by others around me. I feel slightly corny writing this, but I was unwillingly forced to stop, and start over in life, and that has taught me more about life, in 5 years, than I I deviously ever imagined possible.
A
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Stellar Sunday. Superblaa
Where to start, at the beginning I suppose... For those of you that have pent a decent amount of time with me in the last few years, you're probably aware that my ability to or create plans has been relatively nonexistent. If I have something that motivates me to accomplish a task, I can do it, take the adaptive adventures I've had this year!they've each been brilliant learning experiences for me. I've gained the confidence, and social skills that are SO necessary in day to day life, and developed confidence in myself, and my abilities. These have been key instruments in my fundamental survival. I can, and will, sit here, and write how oppressive my lifestyle, and living environment, here in Vermont s. generally, I'm not willing to share my thought, and perspective regarding my over meant funded lifestyle, dimply because it is not a positive reflection of myself, or who I care to be. We all make decisions with old, and bad aspects. In the beginning, I knew I'd made the or react decision, because I was unable to up port myself, and my family wasn't really in a position to drop everything to assist me live my life, and receive the funds ands, services, and therapies I've needed to relearn life, how I see fit. The difficulty with rehabilitation, and doing it in a country that celebrates independence, and choice is that there can never be one definitive way to accomplish a task. Also that the social values are relatively, to very unlike anything I wold consider appropriate for myself. This is a side note, but there is NO guidance in this area, or if there is, it's from someone lacking ore values themselves. I'm surely not qualified to make allegations of his regard, though, it seems to me, this is a situation where were 'cutting our noses, to spite ourselves.' I grew up in public schools, went to a public university, and never once did I think, or believe I'd missed opportunities, I could've had, had I elected, and pushed for a privately funded, elite education. Never once, have I regretted those decisions. I honestly do believe I, and anyone else can achieve whatever goals we may set for ourselves, in a certain frame of reference, of course. When I graduated from college, I planned to gain experience, and perspective, while deciding upon my professional path, and which graduate studies to go into. One doesn't exactly sign up for the debilitating, life-style changing experience of a brain injury, or any disability, for that matter. But, your success, upon meeting hardship, truly depends on your outlook, and how you choose to perceive it. Yes, I can consider myself a victim of a pharmaceutical companies mistake, but I'll be damned should I ever portray myself in that light.
My perspective has vastly changed, over the course of my experiences, in the shoes I walk in now. I remember the medical community, retry definitively having the opinion, that my situation was relatively hopeless, given then the extent of the damage my brain had sustained.
If I could say anything abut who I am, as an individual, I will say, that I, lie many others, am goal oriented/driven. Over he 10 years I've lived here in Vermont, I've slyly watched the majority of my fundamental goals, and dreams be extinguished. I went to UVM to complete my prerequisites for veterinary school. Turns out, I loved the cal atmosphere, and partied, and payed outdoors, slightly more than I hit the books. That's an expensive lesson to learn about yourself, when you find yourself partway through your Junior ear, without the motivation, or draw to study physics, and microbiology. My mind will always seize, if ever I hear a conversation regarding the calculation of moles, an elemental compound may posses. To this day, that holds true. I decided to explore my favorite childhood passion, of horses. Within a month, I'd left school, packed my bags, and, and moved to Chipping Sodbury, England to live/work/play on a competitive equestrian farm. I earned early in life, that if you take financial responsibility for yourself, then, no one can influence you into, r oh of your choices. I will always stand by my decision to leave school, and take the time to figure myself, and my goals out. The reason I'm detailing these lessons, from my re-injury life, is because I need to look ack, to what I earned then, to find my way now. I feel like I had a massive oversight, n regard o how if cult it actually is to emancipate youse from the intellectual slavery, that binds one into these programs perpetually. I've been told countless times how mart I am, since sustaining this injury.
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