Crikey! I'm at a loss for how to spill my thoughts tonight. I'm at a desperate crux in my life in regards to my housing situation. Im supported by government funding (section 8) for my living accommodations, while I'm doing rehab. Thank you VT! While it's an incredibly helpful asset on the one hand, it's also a subject I rarely write about, as I'm unable to keep a positive outlook in this area of my life. Am I proud of the fact I need your tax dollars to support myself (hell no!). But do I need help getting back on my feet, yes, yes I do.
So, here I am, in my apartment, going through roommates/ live-in aids like toilet paper. I had to let my current one go, last night. I really did not want to have to broach the subject yesterday, out of respect for her birthday. Though, that's the way the cookie crumbed. ;)
We've had our ups and downs over the past month, but I've been so desperate to not be in trouble with the housing authority, I've blatantly overlooked many of the red flags in her personality. Neediness, consistent excuse maker in every situation, financially un-stable... We all have our own weird hang ups, but, literally, each day I've engaged in conversation, I've learned 3 or 4 new ones she has. I hired her to help me with basic house-keeping tasks that are very time consuming for me, as well, as to have someone I could depend on for transportation. I feel stupid for not making this definitive realization 3 weeks ago, when she was unable to help me get somewhere, because of lack of gas money. My brain injury team has to tell me, I'm being taken advantage of, or at least my resources are. It's like I need things to be spelled out for me, and to be pissed off in the moment to take action. I didn't want to have that conversation on her birthday, but sometimes you only have one opportunity with back-up, and you have to seize it. She was 45 minutes late to the meeting she set the time for, and spent half of the meeting whining because I have a support team to gang up on her. That's valid, but I have their help to support me in situations like this, because I have difficulty laying down the law. Yet, somehow it's just easier to do when you know someone is bull-shitting you. We listened to an hours worth of excuses, judgements, defensive reasoning for why she wasn't fulfilling her expectations in this position. It can't be easy, but I never said it would be. I try to keep an open mind with each new person I bring in, but she made it difficult from day one. It's as if she isn't able to make certain connections, that would enable her to sustain herself. I feel badly, but I can't be the person to enable her. She left left last night in a fit of hysterics, for dinner with friends. At least she had others to help her deal with her difficulties, and it was the worst timing possible, but it had too be done. I feel callous and cold looking at the situation that way, but I need to put myself first in these situations, so even though I'm dragging my feet, I'm finally starting to round that corner.
You thought tis ridiculous tale was over, but the saga continues.., Last night, around 1030, I got her text that she wasn't coming home. I thought that was probably a good thing for her to have a little space. I locked the doors, and went to sleep. Around 130 I awoke to the deadbolt on the door, being repeatedly hit. No calling, no voice at all. I wasn't getting up to find out who wanted in. I went back to sleep, and found 2 text messages from her. One, "Are you awake?, and 2. My plans changed when I got molested. Hopes you left the door unlocked." We had the door conversation last week, and I told her I dead bolt the door, if she says she's not coming back. As far as the molestation comment, it's unfortunate, if true, but I can't continue to feel responsible for her lack of judgement. I've learned that in this case I was too nieve, in my quest for a kind, helpful, and stable I've-in aide. Another one bites the dust, and I'm hunting again.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Trickle-down effect
Today was an incredibly positive day. I suggested I meet my case manager at a local coffee shop at 9, and was extremely pleased with myself for having successfully gotten out the door, under my own power, before 9. Hey, it's the small success that accumulate to create bigger ones so, I feel better about my day, if I'm out the door before 9. Or at least productive in some way. I feel as though I'm in a rock and a hard place with my current living situation. Needing to hire roommates, as caregivers, plainly, sucks. At times I've been fortunate to hire old friends or acquaintances, but in the last year it's been impossible to find available, dependable, trustworthy, and mentally stable help. I just hired a woman, whose a bit older than I am, but seemed quite genuine, though a tad over talkative for my Taste. I've realized there are are no boundaries in that sense.well, maybe finances, but that's all I've encountered so far. I'm really at a crux right now, as I'm not happy in my living environment, but (a don't want to be made to feel like I'm responsible for her current life difficulties,, and b) have no interest in learning to adapt to incessant chatter. We've already had multiple financial disagreements, as well as cleaning related ones. On one hand I'm pleased to see myself standing up for how I want things done, but, it almost pains me, especially with her. There are excuses in every conversation, regardless if they're confrontational or not. Never met anyone with such an innate ability to not take responsibility for themselves or their actions. Still, a very nice girl, but I'm finally in a place in my life where nice no longer makes the deal . I learn more about myself, and my abilities to look after myself, from every roommate, whether it be a positive or negative experience. Therefore, I suppose I could look at it as all positive, because I'm learning how to manage my time , and space, while attempting to be respectful of theirs. Though, I will say, it can be difficult to take some statements seriously. I just don't know where to draw the line.
I am also spending way too much time arguing with various agencies and doctors, in a apparently fruitless labors to obtain speech therapy. I even got turned away from a theatrical singing company, that was recommended, as a method to learn breath support. Although, they were receptive to my rebuttals for being turned away. Which is more than I can say for anyone else presently.
It was a great running day, fall is the best! The air is cool and crisp, and the fall colors, are unbelievable. I know that my visual processing is getting better, because this is the first fall I've really been able to spectate with such amazement, in oh, 5 years. Pretty incredible, if you ask me.
Tonight, I had a meet-up with a couple, both old college friends. We've been trying to get together for the last month or so, and I was so happy we finally made it happen! I knew Nathaniel from the dorms and Amanda from Alternative Spring Break. It's just so amazing to see people who understand, and have an innate sense of how they want their lives to go, and are well on that path. So cool, at least thats how I see it, since I used be in that world. Ironically, as we're talking about how it seems there are so many fewer people we know, or recognize, since the end of college, who should walk by, but Megan, most recently, one of my past roommates , but in college Amanda and I both knew her as the director of ASB. We all had a fun mini reunion. One of the occasions I appreciate living in my old college town. It's just so beautiful to be reminded that I do still have friends who know , and understand the concept of a work ethic, as well as a view of who I once was. That statement isn't meant as a criticism of anyone, just more as a a statement about my day to day life, where nothing, period, is expected of me to accomplish anything. This is terrible, I had a great day, yet I'm still so cynical about my life on government funds. To be blunt, it often feels like a dead-end road to hell. Just when I think we're progressing in some regard, I run into another. 'magical' set-back. I'm so thankful for all of the amazing, positive people I have in my life. In life , other people can make, or break you. I feel so fortunate to have so many 'makers' on my side, as I've made so much progress, with the help, and assistance of so many amazing believers. Perfect is an ideal that can't exist, since we all have a different. Idea of what it entails. Maybe someday I'll get a better sense for who to allow to help me, more like, one day I hope to have a better choice. Can I run away screaming, yet? I'm learning that the ideas behind government assistance, is quite commendable, yet the implementation not so. These programs are designed like factories, with the idea to perpetuate or sustain life, by it's own standards. Yet, there is no accommodation for the fact that all people are different in many ways. Of course it's not economically viable to run a factory which accommodates for differences. Though, wouldn't you think it'd be easier to live in a society where people could have access to the same goods and services. Obviously utopia doesn't exist anywhere, and we're all trying to put our best foot forward. I think I'm just saying that we, as Americans, need to live up to our national creeds, of 'United for one, United for all. These programs are so complex now, with many caveats, and ways to work the system. The key, in my opinion is to simplify.
I am also spending way too much time arguing with various agencies and doctors, in a apparently fruitless labors to obtain speech therapy. I even got turned away from a theatrical singing company, that was recommended, as a method to learn breath support. Although, they were receptive to my rebuttals for being turned away. Which is more than I can say for anyone else presently.
It was a great running day, fall is the best! The air is cool and crisp, and the fall colors, are unbelievable. I know that my visual processing is getting better, because this is the first fall I've really been able to spectate with such amazement, in oh, 5 years. Pretty incredible, if you ask me.
Tonight, I had a meet-up with a couple, both old college friends. We've been trying to get together for the last month or so, and I was so happy we finally made it happen! I knew Nathaniel from the dorms and Amanda from Alternative Spring Break. It's just so amazing to see people who understand, and have an innate sense of how they want their lives to go, and are well on that path. So cool, at least thats how I see it, since I used be in that world. Ironically, as we're talking about how it seems there are so many fewer people we know, or recognize, since the end of college, who should walk by, but Megan, most recently, one of my past roommates , but in college Amanda and I both knew her as the director of ASB. We all had a fun mini reunion. One of the occasions I appreciate living in my old college town. It's just so beautiful to be reminded that I do still have friends who know , and understand the concept of a work ethic, as well as a view of who I once was. That statement isn't meant as a criticism of anyone, just more as a a statement about my day to day life, where nothing, period, is expected of me to accomplish anything. This is terrible, I had a great day, yet I'm still so cynical about my life on government funds. To be blunt, it often feels like a dead-end road to hell. Just when I think we're progressing in some regard, I run into another. 'magical' set-back. I'm so thankful for all of the amazing, positive people I have in my life. In life , other people can make, or break you. I feel so fortunate to have so many 'makers' on my side, as I've made so much progress, with the help, and assistance of so many amazing believers. Perfect is an ideal that can't exist, since we all have a different. Idea of what it entails. Maybe someday I'll get a better sense for who to allow to help me, more like, one day I hope to have a better choice. Can I run away screaming, yet? I'm learning that the ideas behind government assistance, is quite commendable, yet the implementation not so. These programs are designed like factories, with the idea to perpetuate or sustain life, by it's own standards. Yet, there is no accommodation for the fact that all people are different in many ways. Of course it's not economically viable to run a factory which accommodates for differences. Though, wouldn't you think it'd be easier to live in a society where people could have access to the same goods and services. Obviously utopia doesn't exist anywhere, and we're all trying to put our best foot forward. I think I'm just saying that we, as Americans, need to live up to our national creeds, of 'United for one, United for all. These programs are so complex now, with many caveats, and ways to work the system. The key, in my opinion is to simplify.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Freaky Friday
It's been an interesting week, trying to get acclimated to a new roommate/care provider. I hate writing that, but I have funding to provide rent in exchange for the help I need getting places, and general support. I've learned that I am terrible with laying down the law for these people, and often receive nothing, other than a bad taste for these people. In theory , this should be a real asset for an individual with a disability, though, in practice it's often a way to have my resources taken advantage of. Somewhere, there is a line between petty disagreement, and laying down the law. I have a really hard time laying down the law, as I don't like having it done to me, and prefer to naïvely assume that others are equipped with the necessary abilities, boundaries, and self-control to handle occasionally assisting me with transportation, and the occasional mobility deficit, or processing issue I may encounter. What is interesting to me about dealing with this situation, is that I realize this is the first time since my injury that I've had the foresight or introspection to realize I'm letting my assets be taken advantage of. It's also the first time I've been able to immediately explain my difficulties with someone. I'm re-learning who I am, and I need for whoever I bring in to be a good role model. However, I've yet to find one in the last year, apparently. I'm not happy in my living situation, but really, who wants to have to hire a roommate?
In other news, the woman who assists me with my vocational interests, has also decided to help me work with a barn to do some horse-back riding again. Hopefully, I'll be the subject of a 17 year old girls internship in hippo therapy. I met her last Tuesday, she seemed nice, though a little on edge. What really struck me though, was her appearance. I've become pretty accustomed to having to tell people I'm in my late 20's, and getting the response, "Gosh, I thought you were about 16. I cringe every time I hear that. It seems that's what I get for choosing to not wear make-up. I don't usually like the way I look with it on, plus I've always been a crier. That does not mix well with mascara. However, meeting this girl, I suddenly realized that is part of why I look so young to people. I realized. Oh well, at least now I realize why people think I look so young. That aside, I felt so at home in the barn, meeting mama and foal, as well as assorted boarders, and lesson horses. If her internship paperwork goes through, I can hopefully start next week. Keep my fingers crossed.
This morning, I had a meeting with my supervisor at the transportation agency where I have a part time job. It's been a rough start, as everyone had different ideas about how to accommodate my needs. I'm so impressed with this mans willingness to listen to my thoughts, regarding the position itself, what I observe, as well as the fact that I think I allowed my brain injury team to be to over zealous in regards to accommodations. We decided on a way for me to submit my paperwork more efficiently, rather than me struggling to do everything on the iPad. It's an awesome tool, but it's not a magical tool that makes everything effortless, which is how I feel my brain injury team approaches it. Actually, a lot of brain injury in general. Brain-injury is an umbrella term for any disorder in the brain these days, from concussions, strokes, or blunt force trauma to the head. It seems too complex for people with (me) and without brain injuries. Though, that's the way it is, so we pick out what we think is best, and move forward from there.
After my morning meeting, which I jogged to, I carried on, and ventured down toward the bike-path with a killer hill work-out. Was far too overdressed Fo this 70 degree day, but what are you supposed to do when it's. 50 degrees, as you head out the door?
It's been somewhat challenging to come back from an amazing adaptive adventure, to the day to day drudgery, but at least I'm getting to a point where I feel like everyday is a step in the right direction, even if, it's a difficult day!
In other news, the woman who assists me with my vocational interests, has also decided to help me work with a barn to do some horse-back riding again. Hopefully, I'll be the subject of a 17 year old girls internship in hippo therapy. I met her last Tuesday, she seemed nice, though a little on edge. What really struck me though, was her appearance. I've become pretty accustomed to having to tell people I'm in my late 20's, and getting the response, "Gosh, I thought you were about 16. I cringe every time I hear that. It seems that's what I get for choosing to not wear make-up. I don't usually like the way I look with it on, plus I've always been a crier. That does not mix well with mascara. However, meeting this girl, I suddenly realized that is part of why I look so young to people. I realized. Oh well, at least now I realize why people think I look so young. That aside, I felt so at home in the barn, meeting mama and foal, as well as assorted boarders, and lesson horses. If her internship paperwork goes through, I can hopefully start next week. Keep my fingers crossed.
This morning, I had a meeting with my supervisor at the transportation agency where I have a part time job. It's been a rough start, as everyone had different ideas about how to accommodate my needs. I'm so impressed with this mans willingness to listen to my thoughts, regarding the position itself, what I observe, as well as the fact that I think I allowed my brain injury team to be to over zealous in regards to accommodations. We decided on a way for me to submit my paperwork more efficiently, rather than me struggling to do everything on the iPad. It's an awesome tool, but it's not a magical tool that makes everything effortless, which is how I feel my brain injury team approaches it. Actually, a lot of brain injury in general. Brain-injury is an umbrella term for any disorder in the brain these days, from concussions, strokes, or blunt force trauma to the head. It seems too complex for people with (me) and without brain injuries. Though, that's the way it is, so we pick out what we think is best, and move forward from there.
After my morning meeting, which I jogged to, I carried on, and ventured down toward the bike-path with a killer hill work-out. Was far too overdressed Fo this 70 degree day, but what are you supposed to do when it's. 50 degrees, as you head out the door?
It's been somewhat challenging to come back from an amazing adaptive adventure, to the day to day drudgery, but at least I'm getting to a point where I feel like everyday is a step in the right direction, even if, it's a difficult day!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Colorado- the magic of the mountains (and horses!)
Return to Crested Butte
Words really do no justice for the genuine kindness, empathy, and understanding of the people I meet here. Everyone is so patient and practically hushes me each time I automatically apoligize for being such a sloth. The momentum, as well as the pace of life is so much more empathetic, and genuine. I was a slow mover before my injury, now I move lethargically, and have become accustomed to consistent guilt for slowing everything down. Guilt is relative though, as it obviously doesn't stop me from going after what I wish to do.
I arrived in Denver, politely refused a wheel chair, and was shocked I wasn't forced into one. Instead, staff patently walked me out of the gate, then and to baggage claim. Such a novel idea, not to force help I don't want or need onto me or anyone. I met my friend, Maggie, and another staff person from the ASC at baggage claim. The only down side of flying into Denver is its distance from Crested Butte, 4.5 hours. At least I had good company. We took some back roads, called Cottonwood pass on gravel roads through the mountains. We the van ride involved listened to an NPR game how, called, 'Wait, wait, don't tell me!'. Hilarious.
When we finally pulled into the Butte, it was around 730, and we threw my bags into Maggie's apartment, and walked to a local watering hole, The Brick. I'd been told one or two people might meet us for a mini birthday celebration. I walked in to find all of the adaptive staff members, as well as a handful of locals I'd met on my last trip. Unbelievable!
I sat down, slightly overwhelmed, but so touched, that all of these people had shown up. Before I could even order my pizza, I was presented withe most ornate, candy coated cake, which was pinterest inspired. The top was all Reese's pieces, and the edge of the cake was sided with kit-kat bars. Unreal! It was so touching to see nearly everyone who I'd met on the previous trip! I was, and still am so grateful to have had the opportunity to see so many of the amazing people I'd met last winter. The only downside was that I was so worn out from lack of sleep and travel, I had no energy to be a party animal. By the time got back to Maggie's, I instantly collapsed, and slept soundly for the next few hours, although, I was up again at 4:30, probably from he time change. I had plenty of time to putter round at my usual morning pace, of deathly slow. After breakfast 9am, rolled around, and we trucked out the door. I'm very unaccustomed to being in an environment where people don't automatically take over for me. I love this about the adaptive program here. I'm somewhat certain I developed a reputation as that sort of person, on my last trip. That is what I want, but I feel like an ass, because I suddenly realize how I expect anyone to be okay with giving me a hand over an obstacle, helping me zip my coat, or whatever. It's funny how you take certain things for granted in your home environment, but you need to walk those who are new to dealing with you through how you take on different tasks. It always seems awkward explaining myself to new people, but I'm slowly getting better at it. People are generally very helpful, everywhere, but sometimes I find myself in a situations, where I just asked a complete stranger for a hand. People rarely say no, but one person once said, yeah, why? At that point I sheepishly admitted they weren't the person I thought hey were, and that I had balance issues from a brain injury. Thinking about how my words may sound is often beyond me. Always something to work on, for me, and others too.
After stocking up on food supplies, we arrived at the Ranch. Pulling up, it seemed, exactly what I'd pictured. Unbelievable homestead, built into the rocky mountainside, with post and beam construction. Gorgeous. The barn and round-pen were on the left, below the house. I was also struck by the green fields, which it took me a couple days to realize that, the grass, was basically an irrigated crop, so they could get hay from their own land. There isn't much greenery, so to see these expansive fields, along a rocky mountain-scape, was extremely striking. The horses were all in the field/ rocky area by the barn, and river. Looks quite idyllic, as they're so fortunate to have access to so many natural resources. Maggie, Will, the adaptive staff member on my trip, and I, stepped into the Ranch, and werre immediacy welcomed by a very excited black-lab, Cora. Apparently, if you enter through the front, you step into a small foyer, with space to take off your outerwear, but, the only way to the rest of the house is up a spiral stair-case. I used to love a good spiral stair-case, but now there's something about it being open on both sides, that really freaks me out, and I become shaky, and unsure of my mobility. After a precarious ascent, we leaned we could walk around, and into the house on the main level, which made things much easier. Mike and Jan, were the ranch owners. I was relatively surprised when Jan appeared to greet us, in a wheel-chair. Apparently, she'd torn ligaments in her knee. The living arrangements struck me, as relatively inaccessible, given the spiral stair case, but she had no problem. We all ate lunch, and waited for Mike to return. Once he did, we got the basic details of my deficits , and injury, as well as some goals I had, out of the way. We headed out to the barn, and Mike selected a horse he thought would be a good match. I was immediately unimpressed, as the horse appeared relatively old, and made a reference, declaring my lack of enthusiasm. As soon as I said that, I immediately regretted it, because a horse is a horse, and I hadn't intended to sound ungrateful for the opportunity to ride. As soon as I was in the saddle, that horse no longer was the lifeless Eore, I'd pre-judged it to be. She came alive, and safely tested me. I have the worst reaction to fear, I freeze, and stiffen up. When you're on a horse, the key to staying balanced is to move with them. Therefore, when a horse moves unexpectedly, I freeze, and end up on the horses neck until I can collect myself. That day, we spent the afternoon trying to get me to loosen up, and not cling on for dear life. As a former rider, I chide myself for reacting in this way, as it's poor riding etiquette, but, I know understand it's a fear reaction, that is pretty hard to overcome. Awesome. It's not a fun day, when you realize you're now afraid of favorite animal. Horses were my life growing up, now, obviously, I'm viewed as a liability around them, which makes it relatively difficult to be around them. As does the expense. Yet, where there's a will, there's a way. That is exactly why I feel so fortunate to have had this amazing opportunity to come out to Colorado, and not only experience the ranch, but also have assistance conquering my inhibitions.
The next morning I ambled down to the barn to find a horse tied up and waiting. I was pleased to see that he still needed grooming, and tack, as I'd stated I wanted to have a hand with that. I clumsily scraped most of the mud away from the saddle and cinch areas, and managed to get the saddle pad on, although, the saddle was a different story. If I recall correctly, that horses name was Franky, and he was a bit tall for me to feel stable lifting the saddle over my head, or maybe I did try, but fell backwards in the process, and then let someone else do it. That is one of the things I really respect about this crew of folks, they're willing to let me try, even if odds are clearly not in my favor. When you have a disability, its natural for others to feel over protective. I imagine its like how youd want to protect your kid from hurting themselves. But this is life, and sometimes the only way to learn or re-learn is to push the envelope and test your limits. I've learned over the years, that my limits are somewhat malleable, meaning they change. And knowing that, is exactly what motivates me to work hard to regain my previous skills. I always seem to find myself between a rock and a hard place, starting adaptive programs, because I'm not coming into them, as someone with zero experience in the sport, I just have limited adaptive experience, so I start to get edgy when I have basics explained to me, or I'm asked questions, like 'why is it important to make sure the area where the cinch goes, is free of mud?'. I could've answered that when I was 6, and it's hard for me to remember that I need to not feel patronized by basic questions, because I met these people yesterday, not when I was 6. I'm also in the back, because it's so difficult for people to understand me. Although, I'm starting to notice a correlation between age and intelligibility. People in my age group often have much less difficulty. Though, no matter how you look at it, my ability to make myself heard, stinks.
Back to the horses, day 2 began in the round pen again, but after lunch, I got to ride over to the big arena, across the way. I feel Ike my ambitions were bigger than my abilities, which is the crappy lesson I relearn, any time I decide to try one of my old passions. I wish it was easier for me to convey to adaptive programs, the depth of my experience as an able bodied person. Yes, I have a disability now, but I will freak out if I feel like I'm being patronized . Thankfully, this wasn't a huge issue on this trip, though there were moments I bit my tongue (literally).
In the arena I was introduced to pole bending, and the maneuvering behind barrel racing, which was pretty fun. Because I grew up eventing, I know that that style of horsemanship often harshly judges western style riding. The key is to keep an open mind, because it's just as challenging to maneuver a horse in between a line of poles, or round themselves around barrel patterns. It still requires the ability to steer the horse with leg movements. I also really liked using a bosal nose-band instead of a bit. The horse responds to cues by the pressure exerted on each side of its nose. I never knew how they worked, but the horse responds just as effectively. I also felt like it was a more humane choice for me, as I don't always realize how much pressure I'm exerting with my hands. I'm slowly getting better with that, but it will still likely take many more years.
That night I was pretty pleased with my day in the saddle, but relatively exhausted. I wasn't surprised when Mike announced he was off to do some roping, but I was curious where his energy came from. I was wiped from pushing myself to move in different ways, but also from the sun. I was pretty excited by plans of dinner and a shower. After dinner, I headed to the shower, and began to hear a lot of negative mumbles, but couldn't figure out what had happened until there was a knock announcing that there had been a fall, and Jan and Maggie were leaving for the hospital. When I went out into the living room, I learned that Mike had broken his collar-bone, and that was all they knew. Nothing to do but sit and wait, so we started a wester movie. Not long into it, everyone else returned, including a very sore Mike. It was good to see him, but I just felt so badly. It's hard to watch others in pain, but know its beyond your power to ease it. By the time I went to bed, I had an uneasy stomachs. Which seemed odd since we'd been eating so well. I laid in bed hoping it would go away, but all of a sudden was overwhelmed by a need to be sick. Maggie, an EMT, jumped into action questioning me about everything I'd eaten, gave me a bucket, and oddly disappeared. She returned a while later, and I realized I wasn't the only one to be ill. Pretty sure we were both up most of the night sick, with poor Will running back and forth checking on us. We still have no idea what caused it. By the time morning rolled around I felt like my normal cantankerous morning self, but had no interest in food. I thought for sure, I'd end up sleeping the morning away, after the rough night. Nope. I was even up early enough to wish Mike well, as he left to get put back together. Ella, Mikes daughter, and Maggie and Wills coworker at ASC came to help with me in the saddle, so I wouldn't miss a day in saddle, which I really appreciated. Although, my strength and energy were pretty low from the illness of the night. I was so happy to be back in the saddle, but pretty bummed I didn't have my normal enthusiasm.
After a short day in the saddle, it was time to pack up, and head back to CB. Mike and Jan. returned as we were gathering up our stuff. Good as new, well in a few months, but it can always be worse. I feel pretty qualified to make that statement.
I felt like I'd just gotten there, and it was already time to go. That night, it was awesome to have time to walk around town, do some shopping, and have dinner. Crested Butte is such an overwhelming place, in terms of the generosity and kindness you interact with everyday. It's a really interesting mix of townies, and absurdly rich people who intermittently travel there for solace. While perusing the shops we ran into an acquaintance of Maggie's, who remembered me visiting for ladies camp. I immediately realized why we were suddenly a part of 3 when he bought our dinner, and offered to sponsor my next flight out there. Incredible! I felt like I'd just won the lottery. That kind of generosity is unprecedented in my book, but I'm so grateful, due to my lack of funding for these amazing adaptive adventures. I'm just so grateful there are people who think nothing of sharing their resources. Another reason why it's so beautiful there. Its not easy to get there, but that means that the people who are there, come because they also see it's beauty.
Many thanks to everyone who helped make this trip possible for me, it really helped me begin to realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure why exactly, but I no longer feel feel like I'm on a dead end road of rehab. Guess that means I now have to figure out what's next!
Words really do no justice for the genuine kindness, empathy, and understanding of the people I meet here. Everyone is so patient and practically hushes me each time I automatically apoligize for being such a sloth. The momentum, as well as the pace of life is so much more empathetic, and genuine. I was a slow mover before my injury, now I move lethargically, and have become accustomed to consistent guilt for slowing everything down. Guilt is relative though, as it obviously doesn't stop me from going after what I wish to do.
I arrived in Denver, politely refused a wheel chair, and was shocked I wasn't forced into one. Instead, staff patently walked me out of the gate, then and to baggage claim. Such a novel idea, not to force help I don't want or need onto me or anyone. I met my friend, Maggie, and another staff person from the ASC at baggage claim. The only down side of flying into Denver is its distance from Crested Butte, 4.5 hours. At least I had good company. We took some back roads, called Cottonwood pass on gravel roads through the mountains. We the van ride involved listened to an NPR game how, called, 'Wait, wait, don't tell me!'. Hilarious.
When we finally pulled into the Butte, it was around 730, and we threw my bags into Maggie's apartment, and walked to a local watering hole, The Brick. I'd been told one or two people might meet us for a mini birthday celebration. I walked in to find all of the adaptive staff members, as well as a handful of locals I'd met on my last trip. Unbelievable!
I sat down, slightly overwhelmed, but so touched, that all of these people had shown up. Before I could even order my pizza, I was presented withe most ornate, candy coated cake, which was pinterest inspired. The top was all Reese's pieces, and the edge of the cake was sided with kit-kat bars. Unreal! It was so touching to see nearly everyone who I'd met on the previous trip! I was, and still am so grateful to have had the opportunity to see so many of the amazing people I'd met last winter. The only downside was that I was so worn out from lack of sleep and travel, I had no energy to be a party animal. By the time got back to Maggie's, I instantly collapsed, and slept soundly for the next few hours, although, I was up again at 4:30, probably from he time change. I had plenty of time to putter round at my usual morning pace, of deathly slow. After breakfast 9am, rolled around, and we trucked out the door. I'm very unaccustomed to being in an environment where people don't automatically take over for me. I love this about the adaptive program here. I'm somewhat certain I developed a reputation as that sort of person, on my last trip. That is what I want, but I feel like an ass, because I suddenly realize how I expect anyone to be okay with giving me a hand over an obstacle, helping me zip my coat, or whatever. It's funny how you take certain things for granted in your home environment, but you need to walk those who are new to dealing with you through how you take on different tasks. It always seems awkward explaining myself to new people, but I'm slowly getting better at it. People are generally very helpful, everywhere, but sometimes I find myself in a situations, where I just asked a complete stranger for a hand. People rarely say no, but one person once said, yeah, why? At that point I sheepishly admitted they weren't the person I thought hey were, and that I had balance issues from a brain injury. Thinking about how my words may sound is often beyond me. Always something to work on, for me, and others too.
After stocking up on food supplies, we arrived at the Ranch. Pulling up, it seemed, exactly what I'd pictured. Unbelievable homestead, built into the rocky mountainside, with post and beam construction. Gorgeous. The barn and round-pen were on the left, below the house. I was also struck by the green fields, which it took me a couple days to realize that, the grass, was basically an irrigated crop, so they could get hay from their own land. There isn't much greenery, so to see these expansive fields, along a rocky mountain-scape, was extremely striking. The horses were all in the field/ rocky area by the barn, and river. Looks quite idyllic, as they're so fortunate to have access to so many natural resources. Maggie, Will, the adaptive staff member on my trip, and I, stepped into the Ranch, and werre immediacy welcomed by a very excited black-lab, Cora. Apparently, if you enter through the front, you step into a small foyer, with space to take off your outerwear, but, the only way to the rest of the house is up a spiral stair-case. I used to love a good spiral stair-case, but now there's something about it being open on both sides, that really freaks me out, and I become shaky, and unsure of my mobility. After a precarious ascent, we leaned we could walk around, and into the house on the main level, which made things much easier. Mike and Jan, were the ranch owners. I was relatively surprised when Jan appeared to greet us, in a wheel-chair. Apparently, she'd torn ligaments in her knee. The living arrangements struck me, as relatively inaccessible, given the spiral stair case, but she had no problem. We all ate lunch, and waited for Mike to return. Once he did, we got the basic details of my deficits , and injury, as well as some goals I had, out of the way. We headed out to the barn, and Mike selected a horse he thought would be a good match. I was immediately unimpressed, as the horse appeared relatively old, and made a reference, declaring my lack of enthusiasm. As soon as I said that, I immediately regretted it, because a horse is a horse, and I hadn't intended to sound ungrateful for the opportunity to ride. As soon as I was in the saddle, that horse no longer was the lifeless Eore, I'd pre-judged it to be. She came alive, and safely tested me. I have the worst reaction to fear, I freeze, and stiffen up. When you're on a horse, the key to staying balanced is to move with them. Therefore, when a horse moves unexpectedly, I freeze, and end up on the horses neck until I can collect myself. That day, we spent the afternoon trying to get me to loosen up, and not cling on for dear life. As a former rider, I chide myself for reacting in this way, as it's poor riding etiquette, but, I know understand it's a fear reaction, that is pretty hard to overcome. Awesome. It's not a fun day, when you realize you're now afraid of favorite animal. Horses were my life growing up, now, obviously, I'm viewed as a liability around them, which makes it relatively difficult to be around them. As does the expense. Yet, where there's a will, there's a way. That is exactly why I feel so fortunate to have had this amazing opportunity to come out to Colorado, and not only experience the ranch, but also have assistance conquering my inhibitions.
The next morning I ambled down to the barn to find a horse tied up and waiting. I was pleased to see that he still needed grooming, and tack, as I'd stated I wanted to have a hand with that. I clumsily scraped most of the mud away from the saddle and cinch areas, and managed to get the saddle pad on, although, the saddle was a different story. If I recall correctly, that horses name was Franky, and he was a bit tall for me to feel stable lifting the saddle over my head, or maybe I did try, but fell backwards in the process, and then let someone else do it. That is one of the things I really respect about this crew of folks, they're willing to let me try, even if odds are clearly not in my favor. When you have a disability, its natural for others to feel over protective. I imagine its like how youd want to protect your kid from hurting themselves. But this is life, and sometimes the only way to learn or re-learn is to push the envelope and test your limits. I've learned over the years, that my limits are somewhat malleable, meaning they change. And knowing that, is exactly what motivates me to work hard to regain my previous skills. I always seem to find myself between a rock and a hard place, starting adaptive programs, because I'm not coming into them, as someone with zero experience in the sport, I just have limited adaptive experience, so I start to get edgy when I have basics explained to me, or I'm asked questions, like 'why is it important to make sure the area where the cinch goes, is free of mud?'. I could've answered that when I was 6, and it's hard for me to remember that I need to not feel patronized by basic questions, because I met these people yesterday, not when I was 6. I'm also in the back, because it's so difficult for people to understand me. Although, I'm starting to notice a correlation between age and intelligibility. People in my age group often have much less difficulty. Though, no matter how you look at it, my ability to make myself heard, stinks.
Back to the horses, day 2 began in the round pen again, but after lunch, I got to ride over to the big arena, across the way. I feel Ike my ambitions were bigger than my abilities, which is the crappy lesson I relearn, any time I decide to try one of my old passions. I wish it was easier for me to convey to adaptive programs, the depth of my experience as an able bodied person. Yes, I have a disability now, but I will freak out if I feel like I'm being patronized . Thankfully, this wasn't a huge issue on this trip, though there were moments I bit my tongue (literally).
In the arena I was introduced to pole bending, and the maneuvering behind barrel racing, which was pretty fun. Because I grew up eventing, I know that that style of horsemanship often harshly judges western style riding. The key is to keep an open mind, because it's just as challenging to maneuver a horse in between a line of poles, or round themselves around barrel patterns. It still requires the ability to steer the horse with leg movements. I also really liked using a bosal nose-band instead of a bit. The horse responds to cues by the pressure exerted on each side of its nose. I never knew how they worked, but the horse responds just as effectively. I also felt like it was a more humane choice for me, as I don't always realize how much pressure I'm exerting with my hands. I'm slowly getting better with that, but it will still likely take many more years.
That night I was pretty pleased with my day in the saddle, but relatively exhausted. I wasn't surprised when Mike announced he was off to do some roping, but I was curious where his energy came from. I was wiped from pushing myself to move in different ways, but also from the sun. I was pretty excited by plans of dinner and a shower. After dinner, I headed to the shower, and began to hear a lot of negative mumbles, but couldn't figure out what had happened until there was a knock announcing that there had been a fall, and Jan and Maggie were leaving for the hospital. When I went out into the living room, I learned that Mike had broken his collar-bone, and that was all they knew. Nothing to do but sit and wait, so we started a wester movie. Not long into it, everyone else returned, including a very sore Mike. It was good to see him, but I just felt so badly. It's hard to watch others in pain, but know its beyond your power to ease it. By the time I went to bed, I had an uneasy stomachs. Which seemed odd since we'd been eating so well. I laid in bed hoping it would go away, but all of a sudden was overwhelmed by a need to be sick. Maggie, an EMT, jumped into action questioning me about everything I'd eaten, gave me a bucket, and oddly disappeared. She returned a while later, and I realized I wasn't the only one to be ill. Pretty sure we were both up most of the night sick, with poor Will running back and forth checking on us. We still have no idea what caused it. By the time morning rolled around I felt like my normal cantankerous morning self, but had no interest in food. I thought for sure, I'd end up sleeping the morning away, after the rough night. Nope. I was even up early enough to wish Mike well, as he left to get put back together. Ella, Mikes daughter, and Maggie and Wills coworker at ASC came to help with me in the saddle, so I wouldn't miss a day in saddle, which I really appreciated. Although, my strength and energy were pretty low from the illness of the night. I was so happy to be back in the saddle, but pretty bummed I didn't have my normal enthusiasm.
After a short day in the saddle, it was time to pack up, and head back to CB. Mike and Jan. returned as we were gathering up our stuff. Good as new, well in a few months, but it can always be worse. I feel pretty qualified to make that statement.
I felt like I'd just gotten there, and it was already time to go. That night, it was awesome to have time to walk around town, do some shopping, and have dinner. Crested Butte is such an overwhelming place, in terms of the generosity and kindness you interact with everyday. It's a really interesting mix of townies, and absurdly rich people who intermittently travel there for solace. While perusing the shops we ran into an acquaintance of Maggie's, who remembered me visiting for ladies camp. I immediately realized why we were suddenly a part of 3 when he bought our dinner, and offered to sponsor my next flight out there. Incredible! I felt like I'd just won the lottery. That kind of generosity is unprecedented in my book, but I'm so grateful, due to my lack of funding for these amazing adaptive adventures. I'm just so grateful there are people who think nothing of sharing their resources. Another reason why it's so beautiful there. Its not easy to get there, but that means that the people who are there, come because they also see it's beauty.
Many thanks to everyone who helped make this trip possible for me, it really helped me begin to realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure why exactly, but I no longer feel feel like I'm on a dead end road of rehab. Guess that means I now have to figure out what's next!
5 year Anniversary!
5 years ago today, my heart stopped. The chances of any 23 year olds heart stopping, are slim to none, which is one of the main reasons I feel so fortunate to be here. Another being that, the chances of actually surviving an anoxic brain injury is unheard of. That's right, you've never heard of an anoxic brain injury for a reason. Because there are very few survivors of them. Period. I wasn't really aware of this for a long time, but here I am 5 years later, still refusing to accept the perceptions that are put on me simply because I have a brain injury. I like going to support groups and conferences,having to do with brain injury, but I rarely, to never feel like I'm able to benefit, in regards to being comforted that I'm not alone in my struggles. I mean, in specific regard to the assortment of disabilities, I know struggle with. I often wonder how anyone does. We all have such widely varying, and complex issues. One thing I do appreciate is hearing other people's stories about what happened to another, and the struggles and complications they've been through. Brain injury is pretty interesting because it's an umbrella term. For so many incidents, from strokes to concussions, as well as blunt force trauma, and having brain cells die because of lack of Oxygen. Pretty amazing, what the medical community, in general is capable of.
I have my brain injury, because a doctor gave me no other options for a contraceptive pill. I was taking Yaz, a pill that was commonly marketed, and well known in my gender, and age group. I say that because I commonly find myself explaining what it is to anyone not my age group, or whose male. Always makes for weird conversations with strangers. Awesome!
That said, I definitely have my amazing family, and friends, as well as my exboyfriend, Sean to thank for my survival.l. There is some saying about how it takes a big group of people, to accomplish things, and my group has surely changed over the years, but we're still just as strong! A gigantic thank you to everyone whose helped out in any way, in the last 5 years, it's because of you, I'm able to get up in the morning, and take on whatever the world has in store for me each day!
I have my brain injury, because a doctor gave me no other options for a contraceptive pill. I was taking Yaz, a pill that was commonly marketed, and well known in my gender, and age group. I say that because I commonly find myself explaining what it is to anyone not my age group, or whose male. Always makes for weird conversations with strangers. Awesome!
That said, I definitely have my amazing family, and friends, as well as my exboyfriend, Sean to thank for my survival.l. There is some saying about how it takes a big group of people, to accomplish things, and my group has surely changed over the years, but we're still just as strong! A gigantic thank you to everyone whose helped out in any way, in the last 5 years, it's because of you, I'm able to get up in the morning, and take on whatever the world has in store for me each day!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The big 2-8!
We've officially survived 5 years of my brain injury experience, as of today. That said, I'd like to thank each one of you, for your support. I wouldn't be where I am today without the support I receive. On this night in September, 5 years ago, my heart ceased, for seemingly no reason. Truth is, the contraceptive, Yaz is what caused my heart to stop. Have to say I feel pretty stupid now for not having had more concerns about the plethora of contraindications on the box. Let me tell you, a 7 month hospital stay and 5+ years if brain injury rehab. is not a favorable way to learn this lesson. My birthday is something I look forward to each year, yet, because I know share that day , with the event that stopped me dead in my tracks, it can be bittersweet. Though, all that said,that event has really shown me why you should take the time in life to enjoy every moment. The more connections my brain reforms, the more I feel like, who I remember myself as, although much less nieve. That said, I would, however like to focus on my birthday celebrations today. My first Vermont friend from way back in the day of college orientation, Ann, picked me up at 8 for a celebratory breakfast. Ann has been the most loyal, and consistent person in my life, here in Vermont.Ann even worked as one of my life skill aides, back in the early days. And, somehow, she is still here, and still keeping in touch. I must say, I had my ideal birthday breakfast of crepes, oozing with nutella, bananas and strawberries. Ironically, this feasts rant is called the Skinny Pancake... I am so thankful to the friends who are willing to eat out with me, because, it's fun, and much tastier than anything I ever cook. This was such a treat, because I so rarely see her, between her 60 hr work week, and assorted extracurricular activities. I pent a good portion of my time at the table wiping nutella of my face. So classy. No sooner did I get home , to receive a call for lunch. My choice again, I chose American flatbread, and enjoyed my favorite flat bread, with Kathy, who took me into her home, and helped me round the clock, back when I needed help, or a vigilant eye with everything from dressing to eating. Another person I'm shocked has kept in touch so closely. I've known her for 4 years now. Today, felt like the first time I'd ever spent time having a meal, with just her, and her relatively undivided attention. Seems crazy, but true. Lunch was short, but sweet , before I got whisked off into her next obligation. I got back around 4, overwhelmed by a need to finish packing, and go for a run. While I was packing, I heard a knock on the door, and was psyched to see another old college friend, as well as previous roommate. She is always on the move, so I felt honored she fit in time to pop by. She bright me card and gift, but I was just happy to have a moment to catch up slightly. After I finished packing, I went for a jog in the evening light, or lack of. It was such a beautiful day, talked to, and saw most of my favorite people. Thank you to everyone who showed, their love, friendship and support!
September Sunday
The crisp fall air is just arriving, and I love it. I love curling up in my down comforter at night, and needing to peel it back immediately, because it's about 65 degrees, and I overheat. And waking up curled into a down mass, feeling suffocated, as even my face is covered, because it's a crisp 55 degrees in my room, as I left my window open.
I immediately pulled my jeans on, and hunted for a long sleeved shirt. However, hunger pangs settled in, and I became distracted. Sunday is my towns day for the local farmers market. I love this event, because of all the people I meet who seem do honest , and content with who they are, and where they are in their lives. It's a very wholesome environment, which I always appreciate. I also like that it's so easy to meet new people, or run into people you haven't seen in years. You just never know.
I have a new roommate now, who seemed genuinely excited to partake in the market with me. It was fun/entertaining for me to see someone else get so excited over handicraft trinkets. The new artisan bread-baker knocks me off my feet every time I see him, and I always manage to do something foolish, like lose my balance, or unknowingly, have food on my face(which, sadly isn't all that uncommon for me). We also stopped by the Chaga tent. A friend of mine markets Chaga mushrooms at many local markets, as well as in natural food stores. It's great to see familiar faces when I go now. It helps me to not be so cynical about the things and people I don't like in this town. That is always a good thing!
As input away my purchases back in my kitchen, the phone rang. I was surprised and pleased to hear from a friend I never see outside of her family gatherings. She was looking for a pal to for a walk, on this beautiful, early fall day. I'm almost always up for a stroll, but often go alone, because I don't deal with anxiety or impatience ally that gracefully, which is often that i feel i illicit these emotions for others. I walk slowly, and I have record of falling. People seem to take it upon themselves to feel guilty if I fall. I hate this. If I fall, it's usually my own fault, and if you knock me over, it won't break me. Those are some of the reasons why I don't choose to invite guests on my walks
I immediately pulled my jeans on, and hunted for a long sleeved shirt. However, hunger pangs settled in, and I became distracted. Sunday is my towns day for the local farmers market. I love this event, because of all the people I meet who seem do honest , and content with who they are, and where they are in their lives. It's a very wholesome environment, which I always appreciate. I also like that it's so easy to meet new people, or run into people you haven't seen in years. You just never know.
I have a new roommate now, who seemed genuinely excited to partake in the market with me. It was fun/entertaining for me to see someone else get so excited over handicraft trinkets. The new artisan bread-baker knocks me off my feet every time I see him, and I always manage to do something foolish, like lose my balance, or unknowingly, have food on my face(which, sadly isn't all that uncommon for me). We also stopped by the Chaga tent. A friend of mine markets Chaga mushrooms at many local markets, as well as in natural food stores. It's great to see familiar faces when I go now. It helps me to not be so cynical about the things and people I don't like in this town. That is always a good thing!
As input away my purchases back in my kitchen, the phone rang. I was surprised and pleased to hear from a friend I never see outside of her family gatherings. She was looking for a pal to for a walk, on this beautiful, early fall day. I'm almost always up for a stroll, but often go alone, because I don't deal with anxiety or impatience ally that gracefully, which is often that i feel i illicit these emotions for others. I walk slowly, and I have record of falling. People seem to take it upon themselves to feel guilty if I fall. I hate this. If I fall, it's usually my own fault, and if you knock me over, it won't break me. Those are some of the reasons why I don't choose to invite guests on my walks
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Denied
Last month I was thrilled to have an opportunity to be interviewed for the possibility of an internship under the revered name of Bernie Sanders. Going in to the interview, I felt off-base, and extremely nervous. I couldn't find the correct unmarked door, making me late, which is a terrible first impression. I finally had to call and ask, which is beyond embarrassing in my book. It was also about 80 degrees that morning, which I had not anticipated, and arrived soaked in my own sweat. Obviously, first-impressions ate my forte. Although, I really did not feel confident in my appearance.
I have to admit, I now feel like a fool waiting for someone to hand me a bone. That is certainly not the impression I wish to give off, but for where I am in my life today, it's incomparable to my pre- injury life. I literally had zero idea about the complexities in American government, and how many people work under the auspice of one great name, and leader. I assumed I'd be an unlikely candidate, given my lack of professional, and academic qualifications, although, I left my interview feeling collected and confident I'd attempted to answer my interview questions , as honestly, and explanatory as possible. I'm very nervous in these situations, because I don't want to seem unappreciative, yet, also, I feel it's important to be honest about what has failed, and what has worked. My unwillingness to work with my team, in certain regards, has been my biggest downfall, but that's who I am. I never learned to appreciate teamwork on a concrete level, and always have felt teamwork represent weakness for me, as an individual. At least working together on projects. Its the 'only-child' in me. A political venue probably would bring light to this weakness, yet also allow me to strengthen that skill set, which was one of the reasons I was very excited about the possibility.
I returned home from the Y and dinner, opened my email, saw the letter from the state office, and instantly had a bad feeling about it, which confirmed my fears that I wasn't chosen. I have to admit, I was instantly devastated, even though I was well aware my chances were slim. I really feel I need an opportunity to work in a office that is consistent about supporting constituents, and what an incredible way to give back to a community that helped me in so many ways. Would've been nice, but, I'll just have to work harder at making my accomplishments more well know. Definitely not a pleasant moment, when you receive a letter confirming that you were not offered a position you really wanted. It's all part of the game though, you win some, you lose some. Not receiving this internship was a loss for me, but going to the interview I learned a lot about myself, and how to handle myself in situations where i need to highlight my strengths and abilities. My favorite, telling you how awesome I am, and why you should like/hire me. Agh, it just seems like such a fallacy, and I can't get over it right now. Job hunting is so much fun...
I have to admit, I now feel like a fool waiting for someone to hand me a bone. That is certainly not the impression I wish to give off, but for where I am in my life today, it's incomparable to my pre- injury life. I literally had zero idea about the complexities in American government, and how many people work under the auspice of one great name, and leader. I assumed I'd be an unlikely candidate, given my lack of professional, and academic qualifications, although, I left my interview feeling collected and confident I'd attempted to answer my interview questions , as honestly, and explanatory as possible. I'm very nervous in these situations, because I don't want to seem unappreciative, yet, also, I feel it's important to be honest about what has failed, and what has worked. My unwillingness to work with my team, in certain regards, has been my biggest downfall, but that's who I am. I never learned to appreciate teamwork on a concrete level, and always have felt teamwork represent weakness for me, as an individual. At least working together on projects. Its the 'only-child' in me. A political venue probably would bring light to this weakness, yet also allow me to strengthen that skill set, which was one of the reasons I was very excited about the possibility.
I returned home from the Y and dinner, opened my email, saw the letter from the state office, and instantly had a bad feeling about it, which confirmed my fears that I wasn't chosen. I have to admit, I was instantly devastated, even though I was well aware my chances were slim. I really feel I need an opportunity to work in a office that is consistent about supporting constituents, and what an incredible way to give back to a community that helped me in so many ways. Would've been nice, but, I'll just have to work harder at making my accomplishments more well know. Definitely not a pleasant moment, when you receive a letter confirming that you were not offered a position you really wanted. It's all part of the game though, you win some, you lose some. Not receiving this internship was a loss for me, but going to the interview I learned a lot about myself, and how to handle myself in situations where i need to highlight my strengths and abilities. My favorite, telling you how awesome I am, and why you should like/hire me. Agh, it just seems like such a fallacy, and I can't get over it right now. Job hunting is so much fun...
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